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*rovidence
writes:I've posted here before about the agony of my wife running away at the age of 14 and having sex with strangers on the way or while she was there, she was somewhat shortcoming of the details.After a certain coincidental set of circumstances, I've come to learn that she was actually a prostitute while she was out there. For 2 months,Now, due to my discovery and my erroneous confrontation with her about it, she has holed up at her Mother's house while her mom is in the Hospital.She initially refused to talk to me, see me, answer my voice messages and text messages until I gave up 2 days ago. She still talks to my 21 yr old daughter who still lives with us but makes no mention of coming home.I'm not certain I want her to return,I asked her if she was a prostitute when she originally told me about this 23 yrs ago and she said she wasn't.I now know, within about a 3% certainty range that she was.We have a lot of other issues but I essentially love her and I'm going through an absolute hell wondering what's going to happen next and whether I should try to work it out with her.So, what would you do??
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male
reader, Providence +, writes (27 July 2010):
Providence is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'd like to say 2 things that have benefited me from all of this. First, this has presented me with the biggest challenge of my life and I already feel, ( despite some so-so days), that I'll come out on the winning side of this.
Secondly, since I've turned most of the corner on this, my relationship with my wife has never been better. I pay more attention to her, we're at each other all the time with hugs and kisses and low-voiced promises, we laugh more, we do more, I look at her in a completely new light, and best of all, since I've given up porn, I'm making love to my wife every other day, 2x in one day, every day, and the sex is mind blowingly good and filled with mutual love and satisfaction. I literally cannot get enough of her.
Hope things go as well for y'all.HEH!
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reader, Providence +, writes (27 July 2010):
Providence is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks DP, for everything. I hope you and your wife find peace and happiness in your life. I'm getting better...about how I can not just get through this but how I can prevail and come out better at the end of it.
I'll check back on this thread from time to time and give updates or maybe post a new thread down the pike as a follow-up.
Love and peace to all of you. M-
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reader, Providence +, writes (26 July 2010):
Providence is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy wife was 14 at the time...this is a major sticking point with me.
A saving grace is that it didn't happen around here and I don't know the individuals involved other wise there would be prison in my future.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 July 2010):
 Counseling to me has been the equivalent to talking to a mirror. "So why do you think you feel that way??
"Why would you want to imagine all these horrible thoughts?"
And you don't want to answer those questions? Mirrors make it possible for you to examine yourself.....
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reader, Providence +, writes (26 July 2010):
Providence is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha-1, I've gone through counseling. I could continue with my current counselor but I see no point.
All the progress I've made has been because I don't want to feel like this.
That, and this site has really helped me. adifferentperspective, (damn I hate Mac for no Bold) gave me new ways to keep it bottled. Which when it all comes down to it, is all I can do.
I can't make her divulge her experience so I have to expunge all of it.
Would I like for her to talk to me about it? Yes.
It aint gonna happen.
Counseling to me has been the equivalent to talking to a mirror. "So why do you think you feel that way??
"Why would you want to imagine all these horrible thoughts?"
I even had my wife with me on 2 occasions and the counselor told her to never talk to me about it.
I'm stymied and so I'l continue to live that I'm going to suffer but I won't make her suffer and I'll love the absolute fuck out of her and give her the attention that she loves and make love with her at least once every 3 days and continue to work and try to get better with this and take my Wellbutrin and see if I can't promote myself through this.
Until I have something better to go with this is all I've got.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 July 2010):
Is there some reason you haven't sought professional counseling? Because this is beyond us ordinary little amateur aunts. You're going to have good days and bad days. The facts of her life remain. The fact that you are having trouble coping remains. What do you expect to happen without counseling?
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reader, Providence +, writes (26 July 2010):
Providence is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just wish I could put this in some kind of mindset. Like she was sold as a sex slave at the age of 12 or something. I think it would be easier to deal with that than what this is.I'd love to have a definition or analyzation for it. I have good days and bad ones, today following somewhat in the latter category.I'm really not an emotional wilting flower, its just that I know something like this has no closure. Whenever I hear mention of a young girls age, 12,13,14,15...my mind immediately jumps and I don't know if I can ever be able to look and think of these girls in the proper child that they are way. The way i did before this onset.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2010): I didn't quite make it through all the replies but I would add this: it was her past, either learn to accept it or move on with your life. Nobody likes to be confronted for something they did years ago, you made a mistake doing that. All you can do now is either be patient and see if she'll come around or learn to move on.
best
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reader, Providence +, writes (24 July 2010):
Providence is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'd like to recount a moment, if you'll allow..
After so many years of being together, through countless emotions and exchanges, and sleeping together and loving each other and knowing so thoroughly one another...on occasion a moment will stir it all together to make a magic moment. This has just occurred and I've been laughing so hard that I had to remove myself from my bed.
The whole entirety of this event has led to an unbelievable tension on my part to make love to my wife. These thoughts started about 6 days ago so naturally my anticipation for tonite was fierce. She helped to stoke the fires but ended up falling asleep on the couch.
When I approached her I could tell that she was more sleepy than lovey. She said that because I had drank some wine and she hadn't that we'd be better off to wait until the morn. and I told her that was fine, whatever she wanted was fine. And believe me, it was. I'm more than happy to just curl up next to her.
My wife I find to be very sexy, mostly because she is very sexily built and very sexily with me. So crawling into bed with her caused a hailstorm of sexual tension for me. I went from every other day to 8 days of /nuttin. I got out of bed and did push-ups and that quelled the problem, momentarily.
So I climbed back into bed but she pushed back against me in her softer than soft t-shirt and long velvety legs and I started up again. But I know myself and I know her and so I did a loong sigh and I did a sleepy warm "Mmmmm" and did the slightest of shifts that I knew would have an effect on her and it did. Effin instantly her breathing went to complete sleep mode and she was totally asleep.
I laid there and admired my complete and utter control over this beautiful creature and prided myself at my ability to administer her with my will.
I started thinking that I may be able to fall asleep and my reason for not being able to started to soften so I turned over, ever so gently.
She followed me and in the process, reached her hand into my crotch area and with the deftest of movements, she twicked my dick with a finger and coiled back up as fast and as natural as any cobra you'd willingly want to encounter.
I became instantly re-engorged.
Goddammit if she hadn't gotten the best of me it at the exact moment I thought I had her in my control.
So I started to laugh. I tried not to but it came out to the point that she awoke and told me she thought I was I having a seizure. God's honest. I had myself a very nice, enjoyable, tear filled laugh and it felt mighty fine.
Even getting back up she had her orders for me. I'm totally cool with being controlled by this chick.
G'nite.
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reader, Providence +, writes (24 July 2010):
Providence is verified as being by the original poster of the question adifferentperspective, You and I are in a common place. I've thought about the exes, the best friend, the guys when she 14, the potential johns...who I now think are non-existent. This is going to be a tough journey for me, still...but I'm going to be able to look back on this thread, hopefully, and have it give me resurgence and faith. Good luck with all that is you and your life.
You've done wonders for how I'm feeling right now and I wanted to make sure you knew. Thanks. And thanks again.
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reader, Providence +, writes (24 July 2010):
Providence is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBTW, can anyone tell me anything they know about Wellbutrin? I start it tomorrow because the Celexa has a side effect that makes sex, for me anyway, like eating your favorite meal without the taste.
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reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (24 July 2010):
Your on the right road! and to recovery. you will see but know you have got to be sure you can forgive her from your heart! and when she knows that. she will one day tell you everything that i promise you. because she will know you truly love her for who she is, not who she was!!
Best Wishes!
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reader, Providence +, writes (24 July 2010):
Providence is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just went back and re-read all the posts and they have made me very misty to say the least.
My wife is in the living room watching her shows and I'm happily typing away knowing that in a little bit, we're going to make up for being apart for 8 days in the best way possible.
What a hell I made for myself, not in just the last 8 days but for the months since I started down this road. I'm really not completely out of it, I know, but as long as I can stave off horrible thoughts, I can deal with just about anything else.
Thank you all and God bless you too!
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reader, Providence +, writes (24 July 2010):
Providence is verified as being by the original poster of the questionadifferentperspective, continued comments like this keep me coming back.
We both have been there. I've been there with thoughts of her at 14. I've been there with thoughts of her and my best friend.
I can't revisit these thoughts.
For 4 months now, I've been trapped in a living purgatory because I put myself in the a terrible place. I believed if there was ever a time to start anew and break up with my wife, this was it. So even though I didn't invite all the terrible thoughts that intruded into my soul, I didn't turn them away when they came knocking at my door.
The reasons why I considered leaving her are pointless now. Something about my turning a half-century old, my daughter moving out, how I could find a woman who was financially better off, find a better, more intimate more intellectually stimulating soulmate...etc. blah, blah,blah.
I'm addicted to my wife. When she left me I became instantly more depressed, more remorse and more convinced that i don't want to live without her.
So now, I'll take my Wellbutrin, keep on with the counseling, and keep on with my wife and my life.
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reader, Providence +, writes (23 July 2010):
Providence is verified as being by the original poster of the question adifferentperspective, you're absolutely correct, it would be an endless cycle of hopelessness and heartache to pursue this. There's no future in pursuing answers to terrible questions of the past that have no relevance to the present.
As it stands now, we're back together. She has denied that she was a prostitute and thats good enough for me.
One other note. I realize now that I was addicted to on-line porn spending anywhere from 15 to 20 hrs a week on many many porn sites for the last 3 plus years.
I think this had an ill effect on my overall psyche thinking that casual sex was the norm not the exception.
I quit nearly cold turkey and don't miss it a bit.
Don't underestimate the insidious impact of what watching porn on-line, that much, can do to you.
Thanks again.
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reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (23 July 2010):
Honey pie i agree w/ you! it sounds like something he is not able to get past? i think he needs to move on.....
if he can't deal w/ the fact that she had men in her past and yes she was paid for her services? and after 20 some yrs the questions he needs to ask his self is 20 yrs of marriage worth saving!
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 July 2010):
 Of course there is a difference. But it's still something absolutely pointless. You can not go back in time and give her a good childhood or take her off the streets.
It's obviously something that nags you a lot. I'm just saying YOU need to find out WHY. And WHY NOW? Or you will never be able to let it go, whether you two stay together or not.
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reader, Providence +, writes (23 July 2010):
Providence is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie, I'd hazard to say there's a marked difference between a woman not being a virgin when her husband married her and a guy finding out 33 yrs later that his wife was a 14 old prostitute. I admit that its on me to live in the present and not let the past interfere with the life we have now but show me any guy thats going to say that this kind of news isn't going to have an effect on him.
I'm no innocent one myself, I've had 30 or so partners since the age of 17 and have been in 4 long term relationships but there's still a side of me that bristles at this and wants to know if it's true and what all the details were.
This is what I have to ignore and control.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 July 2010):
You don't sound snarky.. But the fact that you MARRIED her knowing she had a rough childhood and you HAVE BEEN married to her for 20+ years and NOW POP out of the blue (well maybe not totally out of the blue) pops all these thought of her past from her teen years, and it drives YOU so far up the wall that you seek counseling and alienate your wife...
The problem is with YOU. IT is YOURS. It's also YOURS to fix. Hence the keep working at it. Figure out why all this is surfacing now. It's like some of the post I have read on this site with men (especially) who 20-30 year after they marry their SO are upset that their wife wasn't a virgin when they married (even though they KNEW it at the time of the nuptials). It's THEM not the wife.
You can not redo the past. You can not make it all pretty. But you can... leave it in the past.
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reader, Providence +, writes (22 July 2010):
Providence is verified as being by the original poster of the questionq1605, a myriad of reasons. Did you read all my posts? But I think at the bottom of it is questioning whether I could live the rest of my days with this woman.
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reader, Providence +, writes (22 July 2010):
Providence is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie, at the risk of sounding snarky, what would you consider my issues to be? I think most people would have an issue of finding out their betrothed was once a prostitute and had a ruined childhood.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 July 2010):
Good luck. I hope you still see the counselor and deal with some of your issues, regardless.
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reader, Providence +, writes (22 July 2010):
Providence is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe spent a great day together yesterday and I realize that the only thing that matters is our making each other happy now and there is absolutely no gain in rehashing up the past.
The comments here have really helped and really made a difference as to how I handled things and my whole perspective. Thanks all!
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reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (21 July 2010):
Maybe? she denighs because she doesn't want to lose you and relive her past and if she could change it. im sure she would! and i know it's something that you are just now learning about. but at least find out why she wont tell you she at least owes you that. it's not a proud thing to blab about? but you are her husband and i do hope you two can work through this and you know things like this can make your love for one another stronger because the appreciation, communication and honesty that goes into it. i wish you both happiness and understanding!!Best of Happiness!
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reader, Providence +, writes (21 July 2010):
Providence is verified as being by the original poster of the question"Did all these feelings build up over time or appear suddenly. Like over a couple of months?"
It never sat well with me knowing my wife, back then-girl friend-, had run away and had experience at such an early age but it only became overwhelming these last few months.
She denies that she was a prostitute and now I'm unsure of my accusation.
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reader, Providence +, writes (20 July 2010):
Providence is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie, "But this is mainly about YOU, not her." Yes, this my Pandora's box and the theories I have for why I opened it are many or perhaps accumulative.1) Mid life crisis2) Unresolved resentment for shacking up with my best friend and denying my visitations with my daughter.3) Empty nest syndrome.4) Knowing that this is/was the person I'd most likely spend the rest of my days with and did I really want that? (that may fall under mid life crisis I'm not sure)Anyway, I want to thank you and everyone else here who have contributed in my dealing with this. Perhaps at the conclusion of this, one way or the other, I'll post a recap of how things played out. Til then feel free to continue to comment and I'll try to answer as best I can.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 July 2010):
OP, I know you didn't want it to happen, I'm not suggesting you just pulled it out of a hat for the fun of it.
But this is mainly about YOU, not her. There is a reason why all this is resurfacing so many years after the fact. Think about it. Either it's the fact that the two of you never dealt with certain issues ( You can only sweep so much under the rug before it gets real lumpy). Or something else triggered your distrust and feelings.
You may not be aware of it, but that is how it looks to me.
I could be wrong ;) That has happened before.
Think about what happened those 3 months prior to the time your sought help. Something triggered it.
I also think that you believe it's easier to deal with if it is about her.
Keep at it.
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reader, Providence +, writes (20 July 2010):
Providence is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat is an "RA guy"?
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reader, Providence +, writes (20 July 2010):
Providence is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo I don't talk to my former best friend. I'd certainly punch him 5 or 6 times in the teeth if ever came into my sight.
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reader, Providence +, writes (20 July 2010):
Providence is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie. I didn't want any of this to happen. We were cruising along mostly just fine when this thing sinisterly appeared and took control of my life. I hid it away for the better part of 3 months, not letting my wife know what was wrong. And then it got to be too much and I sought out counseling through my EAP at work. I started to let it seep out to her what was bothering me until it erupted one drunken night.
I'm still going to counseling and I'm on Celexa which has turned my interest in an active sex life into something the equivalent of tax preparation.
I went to her job today in the hopes of catching leaving for coffee on her break. She was just walking to her car as I pulled in. It brought tears out just to see her. I ended up taking her for her break and we made small talk as if everything was the same as before.
I touched her shoulder as she was about to leave and told her it was good to see her. She closed the door and started to walk away and I called out after her " I love you". She walked back to my truck and said "me too".
This made me very happy.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 July 2010):
You really need to quit dragging up more dirt to trow at your wife. To me it seems like you are not happy with yourself, your life and your marriage, but you put the blame on your wife and her past..
Let me quote you:
*I was buying a home at the time and, once again, fell into her seductive trap and the next thing i know, we're getting married.*
That is passive aggressively blaming HER for getting back together, like you really didn't, but she made you.
These are issues you need to deal with. I think it comes more from yourself then her, why else are they surfacing now?
Focus on the now, on how YOU can improve your relationship with your family, especially your wife.
It's OK to not be happy with your marriage, but to solely blame it on your wife and her past is just wrong. You knew all along who she was. What she had done to survive as a teen on the streets is not all there is to her, never was.
I'm not saying that there isn't any blame on her, but YOU need to focus on YOU.
You can not have a marriage/relationship where there is such an imbalance, such little trust, such limited communications and open-mindedness. Well, you can, but it's not a happy place to be in.
Most people have a past. When I met my husband he liked to travel light, why? So he could get out of Dodge in a second. However, when we met, the guy had more "baggage" then most people our age. I have accepted that. I don't like some of his "baggage", but I don't really have to. I just have to realise it is there. It is part of him.
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reader, Providence +, writes (20 July 2010):
Providence is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have to be able to understand why she ended up with my best friend. I know she seduced him but she never wanted the break up between she and I. She was in desperate straits and at the bottom of it all, she deserved the right to the pursuit of happiness. I guess its true that all is fair in love and war.
Now she is miserable and totally unsure of whether she wants to be with me, whether I'll drop another bombshell on her somewhere down the line.
I told her there's nothing left for me to hit her with but she remains doubtful.
She says she sees how I look at her and what I must be thinking of when I do and this is the part I can't explain off. I do look at her when the bad thoughts intrude but I'm working at it and I believe I have the ability to grow and accept her for who she is and what she means to me right now.
God wish this was easier.
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reader, Providence +, writes (20 July 2010):
Providence is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHere's maybe the biggest question of my situation. Do I even have a right to know about this even though she lied to me about it 24 years ago?I'd say, given her cumulative history and propensity to sleep with best friends than yeah, I have a right to know,Who's to say their not all part and parcel with her being a sexy liar who uses sex as a tool.
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reader, Providence +, writes (20 July 2010):
Providence is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe talked today and things are...better. She still thinks I was hurtful and is very worried about what I must think of her,I told her I was wrong for putting her through this and that I'm so, so sorry,Despite her taking in my best fried at the worst possible moment of m life, I know she's a good lady, lover, mother , fiend, confidant, caring, very seually appealing woman and, in the end, my wife.I asked her today if she loves me and her answer was a quick yes.I have a counselor's apt tomorrow, we'll see how it goes.So am I the omly one that conjures up images of their mate being with another person?
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reader, Providence +, writes (20 July 2010):
Providence is verified as being by the original poster of the question"And you married her for what reason???? This should have been the end of it with her."
They'd go to court together when I dragged them in for visitation violations and it drove me nearly insane. When I came back from CA after I split during the height of the war, I got back limited visitation and I'd go their apartment and hear him call her "Honey" and act like they were married.
I had changed though after the year away so what they did wasn't nearly as important as seeing my daughter. 8 months later she broke up with him and ended up in a slum-lords special.
I was buying a home at the time and, once again, fell into her seductive trap and the next thing i know, we're getting married.
I couldn't stand to see my daughter live that way and I had always loved my wife.
Now I think some of this current shit stems from my trust issues with her.
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reader, Providence +, writes (19 July 2010):
Providence is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRoshii, I appreciate your straight forwardness and God knows I needed a wake up call after how I handled the situation.
The good news (or bad depending on how it's going to play out ) is that she spoke to my daughter last night and agreed to take my call later this morning.
I'll update the results later tonite when I get home from work as to how it went.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010): When you lie to your partner, you forfeit certain rights. You give up the right to have your past fully accepted when you lie or mislead them about it.
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reader, Providence +, writes (19 July 2010):
Providence is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha-1, I'm an advocate for us pulling together to get through this. I'm an adversary of continued shunning with only one party trying to work through this.
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reader, Roshii  +, writes (19 July 2010):
 i post not out of anger, nore am i following some rightous path that im trying to force upon you.
Look at the facts, you love your wife.
Your hurting by her past too.
Your torn by this whole thing as much as she is, im sorry if my directness seemed arragant at all. But its the only way i know. (ill make better effort at being more understanding)
i was just trying to point out like you were to us, that there is indeed another side to this, Your wifes. Just like we cant fully understand how you feel with this, Can you fully understand how she feels with it all being brought back up?
my current Girlfriend was raped when she was 15, i was fortunate enough for her to feel comfortable enough to tell me, (so i can completely respect how much of a shock it must have been for you to find out about prostitution rather than her telling you)
And i also understand the process we go through at finding out things like that about the people we love and hold dear to our hearts.
There has to be mutual respect here, each respecting the others wish, if she doesnt want to talk about it then shes not ready to yet. You however really need to deal with how her past is effecting you. Its not unusual for partners to feel like you do when they find something like this out, And like yos said a therapist will help you. there could be an underlying problem here who knows.
Look at what you and your wife have already overcome, is it really such a big deal to just give up now?
If it was me, id tell her i was going to get help. Also that i wanted to work through this. Then the balls in her court. patience comes next as well as however many hours talking to a therapist. and hopefully either she contacts you, or when your better you can show her.
(i apologise for my last comments i have my own issues (bipolar) sometimes i get alittle to passionate about advice. )
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 July 2010):
Either we work it out or we split up. I can't continue to go through the days to come with this consuming my life.
--
Are you her advocate or her adversary?
Quick answer, don't think too much. Advocate for her? On her side? Yes? No?
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 July 2010):
What would I do? I'd freak out, probably, and then try to find some compassion for a raped, abused, sad and unhappy 14 year old.
You're going to have to find your own closure. She's had enough. She's the primary victim. You're the secondary victim. (Please notice that I applied the label 'victim' to both of you.)
Find a really well-qualified counselor to help you now. If you are sincere about saving the marriage.
And I think the person who has to work it out is you. She's been through a lot. She may not really want to go through a dissection process again, on chance that you'll be able to forget.
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reader, Providence +, writes (19 July 2010):
Providence is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd I don't see how I patronized you, I stated what I believe is a fact. Either you're extremely understanding and forgiving or you're here to cast stones.
And don't even tell me that you understand what I'm going through, you don't have an inkling of a notion of what I'm going through.
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reader, Providence +, writes (19 July 2010):
Providence is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRoshii, I didn't invite these feelings into my life. I didn't wake up one day and say, hmmm...How can I make both my wife's life and mine completely miserable at the same time.
I already professed to seeing a counselor, I've seen several in fact, and I'm an anti-depressant that makes sex about as appealing as 2 month old heated Limburger.
When you say my wife's afraid I may see her as a prostitute, she was one, it's hard not to envision her as one. Perhaps not now but then.
I also stated that I can't put blame on the actions of a 14 yr old, particularly given her abysmal childhood.
What I'm dealing with is. indeed, my coping with it. It saddens me to no end to know what she endured and yes I confronted her about it but it was at a time of crisis for me and I'm entitled to have emotions about this.
I'd like to know how you'd fare given the same set of circumstances, if you'd be as iron clad understanding and forgiving and forgetting.
Maybe you would. I only wish I was as strong as that.
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reader, Roshii +, writes (19 July 2010):
Which is exactly what your problem is, this isnt about the fact you found this out after 26 years. Its about your inability to deal with your wifes past. Dont patronise me saying i dont understand what your going through because i do. What i was commenting on was how her past is none of your business, and should she have wanted you to know she would of told you. You have to let go of the fact you couldnt help her, and that she went through that, and let it begone in her mind. How help ful is bringing it up now hay? You said your not sure if you want her to come back. its not ABOUT YOU. its not about INVISIONING YOUR WIFE GOING THROUGH THAT AT 14. its about one thing only, HER, its her past, its her decision to tell you or not, And now you know look whats happened your mulling over it endlessly. LET IT GO. or leave your wife, and give her another reason to be ashamed of her past. I MEAN FOR GOD SAKE. you might not like this, But try to invision this, Your husband wont leave your past which your ashamed of alone, He corners you, bringing up all these forgotten shameful actions, that youd rather forget. HOW WOULD YOU FEEL? roshiii
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reader, Providence +, writes (19 July 2010):
Providence is verified as being by the original poster of the question Roshii, you are ether an incredibly thick skinned understanding individual or you posted for no other reason to go holier than thou.
Like I said, I love my wife but we have had issues. We split up 17 yrs ago, before we were married and she invited my best friend to move in with her and it wasn't long before they were shacking up together and working in tandem to effectively keep me from seeing my then, 2 yr old daughter. So yeah, without wanting to completely bash her because I was certainly complicit with the harsh feelings between uss, but I do have a certain amt of trust issues with my wife.
She's had a love affair w/ scrip drugs to the point of a rehab stint and Suboxone treatment, but at the base of everything, I love her and think she's the most beautiful woman I've ever been with.Another reason why it bothers me to consider whe a 14 yr old prostitute.
She ran away from home 2 yrs after her Dad died and 3 yrs after she was raped at the of age 11 on the same day they discovered her 12 yr old brother drowned in a lake in Kansas. They move to RI shortly after but she never took to it and started hangin with the "wrong crowd".
I can't really blame the actions of a 14 yr old girl but I can and do find lotsa and lotsa misery in the whole sordid affair.
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reader, Providence +, writes (19 July 2010):
Providence is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNot to be critical of the folk, particularly the guys, but it's one thing to be the guy on the sidelines making calls, and quite another to be the guy who's going through this.
Try to envision your wife/girlfriend at the tender age of 14 spread eagle naked on some cheap dirty motel bed while some 48 year old drunk scumbag is banging away at her.
It's a lot easier to be the armchair quarterback than the guy who's actually taking the hits.
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reader, Providence +, writes (19 July 2010):
Providence is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm at a loss at what to do at this point. She has completely shunned me and I gave up trying to communicate with her after Saturday when I showed up at the hospital with candy and cards, one for her, and she hid her face and refused to take the card meant for her.
I want to call her and leave a message saying "I'm so sorry for my reaction and there's no excuse for my actions. I never intended to bring it up again but near irrefutable proof exists that points toward this being the case. ( not the word I'll use, I'll cite the specifics). But we have to do something about it because I can't live like this. Either we work it out or we split up. I can't continue to go through the days to come with this consuming my life."
I'm afraid though that I'll come off as pushing her into a corner.
Any suggestions would be appreciated.
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reader, RAVEMORE  +, writes (18 July 2010):
Having to sell your body at 14 to survive is a horrible predicament to be in.
Your poor wife must have been devastatingly alone. I don't hear any compassion on your part for that terrible time in her life.
It seems like this woman needs all the love you can give her. She needs your compassion, not your judgement.
Do not let toxic shame destroy your wife and the life you share.
You love her, so go show her how much. She must be feeling ashamed.
I don't see anything shameful about prostitution. I see a society where an adolescent has to sell her/his body in order to survive as shameful.
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reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (18 July 2010):
It just seems that you are having a harder time w/ it then she is? sometimes the best thing to do is to let go and move on w/ your life! before it gets the best of you.
Good Luck!
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reader, Providence +, writes (18 July 2010):
Providence is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI posted this right before bed so I'll need some time to visit all the posts yet but I want to thank everyone for their thoughtful responses.
It seems the general consensus is to let the past be the past and I'm more than willing to go that route if she'll ever talk to me. This whole thing just reared it's ugly head recently and I became fixated on it to the point where I was going to counseling and taking an anti-depressant because I guess I always knew that this was the case and needed some closure on it once and for all for some reason.
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reader, Yos  +, writes (18 July 2010):
 97% range?
You realize it's absurd to apply mathematical probability to this, right?
You're 100% entitled to be upset about your wife having been a prostitute. But don't start applying math to this. Apply your heart.
I have one suggestion: you should see a professional therapist / councillor to talk about how you feel and how you can cope with this new information. Especially seeing that the normal person for you to talk to: your wife, is not an option. Find a male therapist, a female one will have a very different approach to this.
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reader, Roshii +, writes (18 July 2010):
ok this is a short one,
1 this happened before she knew you
Making it none of your business. the fact she told you parts of it is good enough.
2-
That was probably something she wanted to forget, she did it for two months, suggesting it wasnt a life style choice at the time.
What i would of done, I wouldnt have asked her id have forgotten about it, because its her past, she would of told if she wanted you to know. Surely you can understand why she wouldnt want you to know? if not your an idiot.
She'd probably have been worried that youd judge her for it, Or see her as a prostitue or bring it up in arguements (considering your having issues)
23 years ago she told you alittle about it, then you bring it up after my life time, It looks like you werent able to deal with the fact she said she was sleeping with strangers. And tbh i dont think you have, If you had youd have told your sources of the information where to go.
Who knows. If you want confirmation that you did the right thing then you didnt. 3% either way isnt 100% sure anyways.
You should be finding out what you should do next. Now you need to tell her that her past doesnt matter to you, and that you dont care about it, you only care about your future together. And that you asked only because you wondered why she didnt think she could tell you, Not because your disgusted by it or anything.
You did a stupid stupid thing in confronting someone about there past. very stupid indeed.
But i wish you luck.
Let me know how it goes please thankyou
Roshiii
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reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (18 July 2010):
Well it was something she wasn't very proud of! and maybe telling you would run you off? and the only thing i would be concerned about is your furture now, not the past! we all make mistakes in are lives and surely are not perfect as long as you learn from your mistakes and trying to make better choices thats all that truly matters. don't make her relive something that is a horrible memorie there is proably plenty reasons why she had to do it. now that the truth is out the worst thing you can do is walk away from her without not knowing and maybe something later you will regret! at least let her explain and give her your fullest attention! and listen with your heart. and then if you want to leave then you can live with yourself.
Best Wishes!
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reader, Miamine +, writes (18 July 2010):
 A girl alone and on the streets at 14... it's hard out there, if you were in the same situation you would probably turn to prositution too... runaway boys will sell themselves for warmth and food...
Kids that would rather have sex with strangers than go home are kids that are in a lot of pain and don't feel safe...
And you ask if you should forgive her.. why? She's done nothing wrong. Your lucky that you've never been desperate enough to live on the streets....
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 July 2010):
If she WAS a prostitute at 14 I can understand why she is hiding it. I'm pretty sure is was a rough horrible time in er life that she doesn't want to re-visit.
Yes, it would be nice if she could own up to it and be honest, maybe it's just too much for her to deal with still, hence her lying about it.
This was 23 years ago. Is there a reason you are bringing up the past?
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reader, Providence +, writes (18 July 2010):
Providence is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry, I meant to say within a 97% certainty range.
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reader, Tarly  +, writes (18 July 2010):
 Man you have a daughter and a lifetime of memories dont screw it all up because of something she did way back when. Tell me this, is she still sleeping with other men for money. We ala make mistakes when we are young (just look at my problems) but we can change our lives for the better. Are you going to throw away everything you have over this. Think how hard it is for her having the man she loves dredge up old problems and open up old would over something that Im sure she's not proud of. Ask yourself do you love her. If you do then got to her mothers house and tell her you love her. If she doesnt let you in stage a scene from a chick flick and yell from outside that you dont care about her past and that you love her no matter what. Is that what really counts.
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