A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months. For the first 6 months, it was great, hardly ever fought, we had so much fun together, we went out places, he bought me things and vice versa. We just loved doing things for eachother.But for the past month, all it's been is arguing and bickering, arguing and bickering, and I feel like I'm constantly forgiving him for things that I shouldn't, and I'm sure he feels the same way about me. I don't know how much is to much. I don't want to be that type of girl that's weakened by her boyfriends love. When we argue, one thing just leads to another, we end up saying things we don't mean and losing our temper with eachother like lastnight, before bed we were bickering, (I don't remember about what.. that's how pointless it was) and he yelled "K, Just stop!!" in the loudest voice possible.I remember feeling scared, and then shocked. I then started slapping him about 50 times, I barely remember it though because my adrenline was pumping so bad, and then I pushed him off the bed and started hitting him with pillows, and I threw the ring he bought me at him, and said I hated him and the relationship was over, I got up and he grabbed me and said "Babe, just calm down it's okay" and I threw him into the door. I was shaking and crying so badly.After we both calmed down, we both started crying. Like, how did things end up like this? I'm afraid that one little fight is going to end this all.. and I don't want it too. I just don't know how to get the situation under control when we're both short-tempered.Has anybody been in a similar situation? and How did you deal with it? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010): I totally understand.My boyfriend and I have had this exact problem.What we did was just eventually compromise and apologize to eachother and we got over it.of course 1 person just isnt gonna forget but that takes time.You hit him because u felt attacked and with the way he was acting hitting him was ur impulse.if an argument gets to that point,RUN! b4 it gets worse and u say something u cant take back.give eachother time to calm down : )
A
male
reader, Roshii  +, writes (18 July 2010):
 im sorry but that is a violent relationship. You have issues you both need working through.
you need to spend less time together, and do more things on your own with seperate friends.
And even though the Violence might not be "that" bad to you, It will get worse if you both dont go to anger management, and take positive steps in bettering your relationship.
The fact you fail to see the relationship for what it is is an insult to every person thats been effected by violence from a partner.
Grow up. and accept that this is whats happening to you both. And GET HELP.
Roshiii
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A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (18 July 2010):
 Yes I wasn't saying you are consistently abusive or that you should break up. Regardless of whether you remember it (not remembering it is worse since it means you were completely out of control), slapping is physically abusive and not OK. I'm not saying you should be arrested and he should go to a shelter for domestic violence. Just try not to ever hit him again. But sometimes when things get this bad a break is a good idea. By that I mean just take some time to get out of each other's space. Maybe stop sleeping in the same room (you say this last fight was at night, I know a lot of couples who only fight at night since they're a little crankier than normal). Only see each other for dates. Re get to know each other in a nice way. Make an effort to sweep each other off your feet. I'm a big fan of trying to fix before giving up. Assess when and what you usually fight about and try really hard to avoid the subjects and the times of day.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your input. But, I'd like to point out that we're not 'physically abusive' to eachother. I barely even remember slapping him, because I was so scared & shocked. It was like the feeling of someone jumping out from under the curtains unexpectingly & you basically have a heart attack.
He's never hit me, and I know he never would & I've never hit him (except for yesterday) Most of the time we get into a heated argument which results in both of us being silent & then we make up. I guess that's part of the reason why our issues never get resolved because we brush them under the rug. We're trying to work on things.
I don't want to break up, and I know he doesn't want to either. We'd both be completely devastated & heart broken. We are eachothers life. & To Roshii, we've been been 100% faithful, so that's not the issue. & We tried spending time apart, but we found we just missed eachother so much. I barely live at home, I'm always at his house because he lives alone. (He's a couple years older then me)
My parents love him, and vice versa. Everyone just thinks were a match-made in heaven, we have the same birthmark, same birthday, everything just seems so perfect. I don't want things to end up badly and result in a break-up.
My real question was really just to know how to stay calm when we fight and how to work through our issues & how to communicate better.
Thanks again.
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A
male
reader, Roshii +, writes (18 July 2010):
Ima point something out here, One Your age, Your full of emotion now anyway, Hormones still ect.
2. You have an anger issue. you made that apparent , but lets be honest who doesnt.
You relationships passed whats known as the honeymoon period. But ill get to that in a minute.
First the anger, Its ok to express your self and have your opinions, whats not ok is hitting to express it, its pointless childlike and violent relationships are unhealthy.
You both need to sort that out first, Get incontant with your GP, tell them your struggling with anger issues they'll put you into contact with help available in your area, There youll learn how to express your differences with out getting violent , and also how to take yourself away from the argument before it escalates.
(be warned they may ask you to break up while your getting help, depending on how violent you have been, how many times ect, How much control has been implimented so far)
I take it you still want to stay together, so im not going to suggest to split up because if you wanted that what would be the point in posting this?.
Theres a reason your arguing all the time, and how ever brilliant i may or may not be. i cant tell what that is for sure, so ill cover a few.
1- something happened , cheating or something, and you decided to stay together. Considering your the one hitting him id say he cheated if it was that. all guess work of course. then to deal with the problems in your relationship and ease the arguments you have to move past what ever it is that started this.
the second ones more probably.
Your both spending tomuch time together. youve had 6months of probably complete love and affection, and now all those little annoying habbits you both have are coming through.
the remedy for this, spend more time with seperate friends, itll make you enjoy the time you spend together more.
if you do that and the anger management thing, your relationship might just survive, its going to take you both working at it though. your both going to have to take yourselves out of the arguments before they get worse.
i wish you look
and feel free to message me if you want someone to talk to.
roshii
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2010): if you really want to give your relationship a try you have to try to avoid fights like this. I tell you from experience. If I could go back to seven years ago when we got married one thing I would have avoid was getting into uncontrollable fights. Things you say and you do when you are so hysteric are not easy to take back and over time it scars the relationship and it gets to a point that you are both hurt so much and you have disrespected each other so much that you even when things are calm that love is not there anymore.
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A
female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (18 July 2010):
Yes i knew someone that after 6 months he threw a tv right on top my leggs! and i forgave him, then the next thing was we couldn't find his way home. then the next he called me a whore then ugly and believe me i was very far from being unattractive! and i knew it was because he was guilty. and then realized he was on drugs it got worse and worse through out our 13 yr relationship! he was very abusive and continued drinking and the drugs i never seen him do drugs but i knew he was. well i left him 9 yrs ago and he died last yr from liver. well when is enough enough only you can answer that question. but when you get red flags don't ignore them like i did and waste your life on something so bad when life can be so good!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2010): im sorry sweetie but it is never okay for you to be physically violent. I dont know how much is too much but i know this is! This is domestic abuse and someone ~maybe you~ will end up in jail. At least thats what would happen in th USA. Either get help, (counseling), or break up. You know you cant go on like this. mal
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (18 July 2010):
I think maybe a break before things REALLY get out of hand might be a good idea? Physical violence is NEVER OK. You need to sit down and rationally talk out your problems. When you feel like you're about to blow up take a deep breath, put things on hold and walk away to cool down. Then decide if it's really worth fighting over. You'll probably decide it's not really worth it. And do. not. slap. him. That's very not OK and he could press charges! You might want to reassess your relationship if it's become so violent and angry.
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