A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Recently I discovered that my wife of nearly ten years had an affair with a co-worker. As if this wasn't painful enough for me to deal with, I also learn't that this happened only two months into or marriage!Now I find myself constantly questioning my own self worth, how could she have done that if she felt about me the way I feel about her? Why did she break our marriage vows so readily and so quickly?She tells me she was in a really bad place after losing a grandparent and was having a bad time at work, but we all lose those we love eventually and we don't all decide to have affairs as a result.All I know is that I would never be capable of this because my feelings are so strong for her, so she cant feel the same way about me surely otherwise she would never have done this?It hurts me so much that our marriage meant / means so little to her. We now have two beautiful children who are my world, and she tells me I am everything to her but am I fooling myself to think that we may ever be as happy again?I just simply do not know where to turn and what to believe anymore.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2011): OP you are a good man, a very good man indeed. I hope your wife also realises this.
LoveGirl
A
male
reader, DoubleM  +, writes (10 July 2011):
 For one, I admire that decision. While I realize it will be all but impossible to "forget" that long-ago betrayal, please tell her that you forgive and see if she responds with relief and appreciation. If so, then mean it. Best wishes to you and your family from Texas.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all, just an update really. I have done a lot of soul searching and after much thought have decided to give things another go. I feel I am now as certain as I can be that I know all the facts and now feel that I can finally draw a line under all this. It's going to be the hardest thing to deal with but do feel if anything this can now only serve to make us stronger. Thank-you for all the help and kind words, they have been invaluable in helping me reach this decision.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2011): OP I respectfully suggest you post an update. In this way we can guauge whether we have been any help/ whther you have made any progress/ whether things are still the same.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2011): " It would be hard to walk away because when a man divorces his wife, he divorces his kids. "
This is utter bull: a man only divorces his kids when he is not man enough to do the right thing by them. Meaning he kops out and doesn't want to take responsibility for them.
OP I don't see u in this light. I don't think u will ever give up on your kids. U may give up on your wife and that's understandable because she is a cheat.
Your kids will ALWAYS be a part of you, whether you divorce or not.
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, Will 77 +, writes (8 July 2011):
How did you discover this? Was she honest when confronted? You seem like a good man and I feel bad for you. I honestly don't know what I would do in your situation. It would be hard to walk away because when a man divorces his wife, he divorces his kids. This sucks. You have to talk. A lot. She has to be completely forthcoming and patient. She has to withstand your anger.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011): I'll give you a similar, but totally unrelated analogy. I've known several men who killed another man in combat. Even though they were trained to do the right thing, they had a hard time knowing they took another life. But it filled them with such resolve, that they became model citizens, husbands, fathers and friends. The resolve was to be the best person they could...probably, in some ways, to make good for the wrong they had done.
Breaking vows is similar. You want to do the right thing, but something happens, we do something terrible, and there is a reaction. However, something that often gets overlooked, is the right that comes from it. If a relationship is strong, loving and full, it often survives infidelity. If it is not, it often doesnt. I have, more often than not, seen infidelity (as long as it is not prolonged and deceitful) strengthen a marriage, and I have seen many people who have strayed NEVER stray again as a result. the saying "once a cheater always a cheater" is simply NOT true all the time or even most of the time. Anyone who thinks so is out of touch with the human condition and overly subjective.
Now, that said, it HURTS. It hurts so bad. But if everything has been good in your marriage since, you have to really think about that. You also have to consider your children.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2011): Get some distance from this. Don't do anything impulsive. Make her understand that although this was 10 years ago for her, you are emotionally experiencing it like it happened yesterday.
And then make plans, calmly and rationally, to divorce the cheating bitch.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2011): "we all lose those we love eventually and we don't all decide to have affairs as a result"
True, but some people do, and there are reasons this happen that we don't fully understand yet. It is to simple to say "she was just a selfish bitch and the next time she loses someone she loves she will do it again". Actually, the reverse may be true, that having done it once she will never do it again because of what happened to her neuropsychologically when she did it the first time.
Get professional counseling help, and be prepared to learn more about her than you know, and not about sex or the affair, but about her and her issues.
Again, if as others have said, if she has been faithful since, then try to forgive, and try to move onward and upward in the marriage. You are still young, and the beginning of marriages is just that, and it sounds like yours just about ended.
You will have so many questions, she may have few answers, and you may have to accept that she was just royally fucked up around that time.
I've been there.
I found out, 9 years after it happened and nearly 20 years into our marriage, that my wife had had an affair when we had 4 small children at home, and even had sex with the man at the house when the children were in the next room watching TV. I also found out that she and he and the kids were meeting up and going places and it was like a "husband replacement" sort of thing, I was at work but was home every night. My wife confessed to all that she can remember, but she still requires counseling and can't remember a lot of the affair, about 2 months of her memory is just sketchy and "blank" in many ways, she doesn't even remember meeting him and getting to know him. She remembers that she was drinking a lot, was using marijuana, and taking antidepressants that hadn't been working (she didn't want me to know about the doctors visits, the drinking, or the drug use), and then in her own words "I just went crazy, I think I hated you" then, 4 to 6 weeks later she was sitting in our house alone one morning "and I couldn't understand what I was doing and why and felt like I'd been holding your head under water and drowning you". She broke off the affair, tried her best, and has worked for years, and years, and years to be the best wife she could. She finally broke down and told me because she was being eaten alive because of internalized guilt and fear and we went to counseling. I learned a lot about my wife. She was sexually abused as a child, neglected, had been raped multiple times, had terrible sexual experiences and had been with over 200, at least, maybe more than 300, other men before me. She was horrified that I'd find any of this out. She'd never had an orgasm with anyone before me, never.
"It hurts me so much that our marriage meant / means so little to her. We now have two beautiful children who are my world, and she tells me I am everything to her but am I fooling myself to think that we may ever be as happy again?"
Your marriage may be the only thing that means anything to her besides the kids.
She probably means it.
You can be happy, but you will need help.
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A
female
reader, a_maldita  +, writes (5 July 2011):
 Yes I definitely agree with LoveGirl...
There is no excuse for cheating,,,
Ask yourself if you can ever trust her again bcoz I know that there will always be doubts in you mind that she maybe doing something wrong..
If that happens to me would not have second thoughts of leaving my husband/ bf.
I can't imagine myself cheating and then tell you, your are everything to me...
It's a big lie on your face..
I feel sorry that you had to bring up the kids to these world that your not even sure you will give them the family they need..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2011): 2 months into marriage and she betrays you. Shocking!
How did u find out?
Is this her only affair?
How do even trust her again?
Can u trust her?
So many questions. So many unanswered ones.
I also question about the kids. Are you 100% certain they are yours? Yes it is a horrible question but u won't be the first man hoodwinked into thinking they are yours.
What to do? I don't know exactly. I know this is a nightmare but one day at a time.
Perhaps call for a separation. Get her to move out of the house while u process all of this. You heard right (she must move, not u bec she betrayed you and u have done nothing wrong).
I suggest counselling for you. You need to work on healing and repairing yourself. As for your wife what she did was just plain cruel. People lose loved ones and go through difficulties at work, they do not overcome this by opening their very married legs at work! Sorry but this does cut it with me. Your wife is making excuses for her cheating. Understand this: she cheated bec she wanted to.
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (5 July 2011):
 I think it is important to give yourself some time to get over this shocking news. You are still adjusting to it and I would hate to see you do something rash and short-sighted.
The question you need to be asking yourself, though, is whether or not your wife has cheated since then. If she has, I think it is time to consider cutting your losses.
If not, I think you give yourself plenty of time to get over the hurt and pain of what she did. People make mistakes and do the wrong thing and while your wife's transgressions are grievous, they aren't insurmountable.
I agree with CaringGuy and recommend you consider seeing a therapist to help sort out what is going on and how to proceed from here. You may also want to consider perusing a book store to see if there are any books that can help you. Hopefully your wife is sympathetic to your feelings and will stand by your side as you deal with the hurt and pain.
Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (5 July 2011):
Indeed, that was a nasty "sting" and undoubtedly a devastating realization, but you say that it was about ten years ago. While I agree that devotion to marriage is of ultimate value, I think you should realize it is somewhat "shaky" during the first few months following the vows - at least for some of us.
Difficult to admit, but shortly following my 1978 marriage, a former female acquaintance enticed me and we nearly did it, although the near miss taught me to be faithful for 20 years afterward. My point is that, if your wife and mother of your "two beautiful children" has been faithful since, then forgive and forget!
You have only one life on Earth, and your wife and children (and all the years) deserve some sensible consideration. Don't screw it all up now!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (4 July 2011):
This is why I hate cheating, and I why so many people are quick to judge. Even after 10 years, finding out that someone has cheated can sting beyond belief. This is a good reason for people to think before they cheat - because now there are children involved too, and your wife has really caused a mess.
Normally, I am quick to tell people to get rid cheats. I work on the basis that if there is real respect and love, cheating simply won't occur. I'm not often wrong.
That said, your own situation isn't normal, and in all honesty you're still coming to terms with what has happened. Ten years has passed since she cheated, and you now have children together. She hasn't cheated since, and she seems to have offered an explanation that is actually believable,r rather than "I don't know", or "I was drunk". Sadly, the loss of a loved one, coupled with a bad time at work can cause the mind to make stupid decisions, as she did. Also, you do say in your post that you love her.
I think, from reading your post, that there is enough here for you to step back and at least try to fix the hurt that has been caused here. You have a marriage that has lasted, even if she did entirely screw up at the beginning. She has stayed, and I don't think she would have if she didn't love you. So for what it's worth, I think she does mean that you're everything to her. And I also think that your two children should have a shot at a family that is together, rather than one that's broken. And you do say you love her. So it's worth fighting for.
Where you go from here is counselling. The only person who can answer all those questions you have is your wife, and she owes you some serious talking time. A counsellor can help because they can help you communicate effectively. Your wife has no say in this - she really has to come and be honest, and if she does love you and all that, as she claims, then she will want this to be fixed.
I say this time it's worth going to counselling and just exploring the chance of fixing this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2011): I am so sorry this has happened. I don't think any excuse is justifiable - if she was having a bad time she should have turned to you, not had an affair. You now probably think your whole marriage is a sham and based on a lie. To cheat at all is bad enough but just two months into the marriage? How did you discover this? Did she finally come clean to you?Personally, I find it very hard to give advice on this. If it were me, I'm afraid the marriage would be over, no matter how much she regretted it. I could never trust her again. Even if loved her and tried, I could never forgive her and it would gnaw away at me and I'd probably become very bitter and that would not be a good atmosphere in which to raise children. Only you can truly know whether you can forgive her. I would certainly move out and get your head together. Have some time to yourself - although do see the kids, it's not their fault (but neither should you have to play happy families) - and weigh everything up. If you do want to continue with the marriage, some serious counselling is probably warranted.Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2011): i have one suggestion watch along came Polly it's something similar to what your dealing with, now i know movies aren't exactly life lessons at times but. if you have a chance watch it. and a little bit of my opinion, if you have too many doubts usually it's not right.
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A
female
reader, cmarieky +, writes (4 July 2011):
I wouldn't worry about this if she confessed it to you. It shows she does love you bc she would have immediately divorced. She may have realized her great mistake and vowed not to do it again. Unfortunately loads of ppl cheat in their mid area 20s. That doesn't justify it at all. I believe she forgave herself and wanted to share this secret with u if in fact she did confess. I would be devastated, pissed, confused, lonely, stupid, etc. She owes you now and if you two are to remain together she must spend every day showing you she is worthy to be your wife. Otherwise if she fault again in infidelity, she can take the high road. And you two just raise the children without the burden of marriage secrets and infidelity. Im really sorry for you bc u seem like the ideal man in retrospect. Just discuss this issue with her, n ask her how she was feeling at the time. Try to remember back about her behavior and body language. This will help u notice changes in her in the future. I wish u the very best.
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