A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:About a year ago I fell in love. We talked, mulled over it, if we really wanted to start a relationship, but eventually decided that our feelings were too strong to deny. It was a LDR, mostly online, but we met, and it was awesome. We were amazingly sexually compatible, called each other best friends, siblings, husband and wife, perfect partners, and "my beloved". It was kind of understood that would not be able to be together very soon, since I had some studies to finish, but we cared about each others development, and felt strong trust in each other. Our trust in each other was based on the fact that we valued and wanted the same things from each other and a relationship, had the same values- for example one of the things that were very important for him, was honesty. Because of the distance, we kind of agreed to keep a certain level of openness to others, but it was agreed that we would not keep secrets about this. At the very start, when our commitment and feelings for each other were not that pronounced yet, I have made out with somebody, and then also had a short (2 weeks?) fling with a friend. But gradually it started to feel wrong, and I really wanted to just be with my bf, and to only feel him touch me/ be sexual with me. I have shared every intimate thought with him, he was always in my fantasies. I told him this. And when I asked him about others, he always said that I was the only one he wanted, that he loved me and that he did not need anyone else, although we talked about finding some people cute and so on, and certainly did not require that he did not have other interests.In a way,since I started to feel so emotionally monogamous with him, I felt, or hoped that maybe he was the same, and when I asked him about it gently, he seem ed to have confirmed this.And then I have found out that he actually contacted ppl online for cyber sex, that he had multiple "friends" with whom he exchanged fantasies/affections, and that basically he lied to me a lot, throughout our conversations, although I think that his feelings towards me were real. But what we had somehow has been exposed as based on lies, when it appeared that we both valued truth so much.The most idiotic thing of all is, that I would have been ok, had he told me about it in the first place. But now, the trust that we had, the precious trust is gone. He cannot explain why he acted this way, other that saying that there was some compulsive behaviour on his side, and that he felt to weak to stop it. We spoke a few days ago.. and he nearly cried, I know he is confused by his own actions, and feels stupid for having broken what we had. I want to forget, and try to maybe somehow still rescue what we had, but I feel so broken, and sad. I don't know how to deal with it. Had he come to me and said "hey, I have slept with this and this girl and it was nice", I would have probably been a bit annoyed, but would have accepted it, but to actually realise that I was lied to about simple things all along, that feels like utter madness. I am really having trouble digesting it.For now I have split from him, to clear my head, and hoping that time will sort it.. but I feel so lame, empty, right now. Life sucks :/
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011): BOTH made a commitment. I did not assume you were the instigator.
There is nothing to stop you from being together in the future, but it's pointless to make those kinds of promises so far in advance.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,
Thanks for your comment.
I think the assumption is that it as me who pressed for commitment, it was not.
It was him who started the whole talk about it, and in a way it is clear that once I finish my studies we will relocate.
He considered moving to my place, but works in a pretty niche field, so we both think it would be best to wait for him to be a bit more established, before moving.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2011): Making such a commitment to a long distance and open ended relationship is nothing more than placing dibbs on someone. As if they were a commodity instead of a living person with wants and needs of their own. By open ended I don't mean sexually open. I mean that there is no date set (within six months or so) for either of you to relocate. You care about each other but not enough to change your plans.
Allowing each other to dabble outside this relationship defeates the whole point of having a relationship and is akin to giving someone a magazine to read while they sit indefinitely in a waiting room. Expecting full disclosure of those explorations gives you a false sense of control that they won't develope feelings for someone else the same way they developed feelings for you. That's the risk of dabbling.
Don't be under any illusions that your boyfriend is confused. He isn't. He knew what he wanted and went after it. He just doesn't want you to be angry with him. It is very difficult to deprive oneself for some vague possibility down the road. Which is why you don't make commitments until you have a date set and plane ticket in hand.
By all means, continue your studies and pursue your life's ambitions. Just don't expect someone to sit and wait for you while you do it. If you can't give them what they want and need from a relationship, then let them be free to find it with someone else.
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