A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone!!I hate it when people take the Mickey! I am a student in my 3rd year at uni. I live with my boyfriend and another couple who we were friends with last year. We all live in a flat that my parents bought and we rent from them. Ever since the other couple moved in, I've started hating Ella (the girl who I live with), mainly because she does nothing around the flat, talks about herself all the time, and she just takes the piss! Because it’s basically my family’s flat, my boyfriend and I have introduced some ground rules. For example, we only have people we know over! This was broken by the Ella a few months in, when she had her friend over without telling us. We don’t know the girl, but she made herself at home. Ella cooked her dinner out of her food budget, so my boyfriend and I went to watch TV in our room. Then, we went into the living room to find out the sofa bed was out and Ella's friend was staying which Ella then said, “Oh, so and so is staying the night!” I was fuming!! Anyway, we talked about this the next morning and Ella said she was sorry and she wouldn’t do it again.However, last week, my boyfriend and I were out and Ella was being picked up by a friend we don’t know. I got home and Ella had gone out with her friend. I went into the kitchen to find a picture on our blackboard drawn by Ella’s friend....I logged onto Facebook to find a picture from our balcony on Ella's friend’s profile (the one who was picking her up). Again I’m pissed off because someone I don’t know has been in my home. I'm only wary because I don’t know them and they could easily steal something. If she’s had enough time to take a picture, what else could she have done?Do you think I'm being unreasonable? How can I approach the subject with Ella?xxxxx
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female
reader, Battista +, writes (13 February 2011):
Sorry OP you are definitely being unreasonable. Your friend is a paying tenant, and as such has as many rights in the flat as you do. The fact that you have 100s of dvds in the lounge or expensive furniture is neither here nor there, nor the fact that you pay more rent than her, or moved in earlier. You cannot put a bar on your flatmate having friends over (who you don't know) because of how you have chosen to furnish the place. Presumably you have the appropriate insurance for all your goods anyway bearing in mind that you have tenants in the property.
You say you don't want to put locks on the doors because the flat is like your home, but then at the same time you want to benefit from having her money as a paying tenant. You can't have it both ways I'm afraid; you need to decide whether you want to have the flat exactly as you want it, in which case you and your bf will have to pay the full rental, or benefit from having your flatmate pay you each month, in which case it is a shared property, thus shared rights. As such, you cannot dictate what she can and cannot do.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 February 2011):
 I did not see the update , sorry, but it does not change much.
Years ago I lived 4 years in a beautiful, fully furnished
house in L.A. It was equipped with everything, including expensive appliances, kitchenware and silverware. Even some antiques. I was paying a hefty rent, and I had left a substantial deposit just in case something might go missing or broken. But of course I had no limitations whatsoever to the number ,type and length of stay of my guests!
Also, no matter what your parents say, THEY are the landlord,not you. And unless they made Ella sign a lease that specifically contains a no-guests clause, I don't see how they can prevent her from receiving visitors until they take rent money from her.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (12 February 2011):
Yes, quite unreasonable. Ella is not just a house guest, she is paying rent, giving you money for living there, and this should entitle her not only to a roof over her head but to the normal privileges she would have if she were sharing the house with a normal housemate, and not with a housemate who happens to be the landlord's daughter. Like, having a reasonable number of friends over at reasonable times for reasonable activities ( not starting the Carnival of Rio de Janeiro, of course ). Either that- or you reduce her rent to compensate for the limitations you are imposing on her .
The only thing, I'd say that if she wants to use COMMON spaces to let people sleep there , she should ask you in advance if that's OK with you.
But, preventing her to have a friend over and take a pic from the balcony,- come on, Ella is not in jail !, and as a matter of fact, I am surprised she complies so meekly with your unilateral " house rules ".
If you are so worried about the possibility of people stealing from you - just don't rent out and enjoy your apartment by yourself. Or hide all the valuables and keep
them under lock and key.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 February 2011):
 You should have bumped up the cost of their rent then. Its quite common when you rent our furniture, as you are, to put an extra charge. Just because furniture might (or most likely will) get broken or damaged. A tenant, to my awareness, is not responsible for the accidental damage of things. If it was deliberatively she'd be hold economically responsible. But not otherwise. However these rules change. Check with the laws in your country, there should typically be an online place to find the laws for tenants and landlords. If your parents hold you responsible as a landlord (they actually can't, the flat is still in their name so in case of a legal issue THEY are the landlord, NOT you) you should get educated on the laws and what rights you have and what rights the landlord has. Typically the tenant has a lot more rights than the landlord.
Unless she signed a contract saying she wont bring over people that you don't know... you don't have a say in it from a legal point of view. You can try to make life hell for her in there until she moves out, but you are not even allowed to kick her out if your laws are similar to ours. In Norway a landlord is by law not allowed to kick out a tenant, not even if they don't pay rent! It's because it's not legal to make someone "homeless". So, get informed on what your actual rights are.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI see your point, however it's a hard situation. My boyfriend and I moved in 6 months before they moved in, so we bought all the furniture including sofas, tv for the living room, table and chairs even all the cutlery and pots and pans. Ella bought all of the things in her room. We have quite a few expensive things in the flat, hundreds of dvds in the living room. My parents have said to me when the two moved in 'you are the landlord, it's your responsibility to look after the flat and keep it clean and tidy'. Therefore, I feel very responsible for the flat, I see it very much as a home and not student halls, which is why we won't put locks on the bedroom doors. My boyfriend and I even pay more rent than Ella and her boyfriend, so it's hard.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2011): If she's paying rent then she can have whomever she likes over. Sorry but just because it's owned by your family doesn't mean that you can decide whom she can and cannot have over. Legally speaking you're in the wrong. By paying rent she's entitled to reasonable enjoyment of the flat (including the facilities).
Agree with other poster that you should get a lock on your bedroom if you're worried about her friends stealing things.. to be honest it sounds a bit paranoid to me but your call...
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (12 February 2011):
You're unreasonable about the friend thing. Ella lives there, she gets to invite whomever she wants over. Really. If that makes you nervous why can't you install a lock on your bedroom door? It's common-place that when you pay your rent you also get the right to live in the space you rent, thus having the privileges of inviting over whomever you please. If she was staying there for free it'd be another case, but she pays rent. She does what she wants to do.
That's the tricky part about renting out... it's a risk and you really need to be careful about who you rent out to. But try and remember, its not your flat. It's your parents. If your parents find it unpleasant that Ella invites people over that YOU don't know (which is essentially the case, right?) then THEY are the ones who need to talk to her. Not you.
Let Ella be, and buy a lock for your bedroom door. Encouraging Ella to not bring over a ton of strangers, or to ask her to at least check with you before she invites sleep-over etc, thats all fine. And be as upset as you want when she does something you don't like. But as far as I can see it you are not her landlord, and it's not your flat, you don't get to make the rules, and she has a right to bring over whomever she please. It's a right she gets as she's paying rent. And she gets to take part in deciding on house rules as well since she lives there too, and pays for living there.
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A
female
reader, Lisa206  +, writes (12 February 2011):
 Can you add a house rule to have a weekly "friend night" so new friends can be introduced and then after they pass the "trust test" they can come over?
As you get older, friendships are hard to come by and definitely this friendship is on its way out the door if she can't have her friends over and you don't trust her.
Roomates are always hard even for best friends.
Try a calendar where everyone has a night to have the flat to themselves. Rotate the weekends if some nights are more popular than others.
Yes is YOUR FAMILY'S FLAT and is mostly YOURS but if its a financial help to everyone, then perhaps making the best of the situation and being the adult in the situation is the best answer.
By the way you are talking, I'm sure she thinks you are being a b-tch by throwing it around about YOUR FAMILY, etc blah blah.
Always, talking in a non-combative way is best.
You use the word HATE and its such a strong word.
Maybe resentful and cranky, but no hate please.
If she makes a mess, put it in her room. Dishes laundry whatever. BUT FIRST have a talk about it so it doesn't start a war.
and I would bet that most people talk only about themselves. if it bothers you, bring up interesting news articles that you've read or something about something else
good luck to you
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A
male
reader, ivanichiaynus +, writes (12 February 2011):
 Your place (or your parents'), your rules.
She knew up front what was required of her and already apologised for breaking the rules. Now she has done it again - that IS taking the piss!
I would suggest to her that if she cannot respect your rules she seeks alternative accommodation; there must be loads of people ready to take her place.......
Ivan.
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A
female
reader, LittleMissy +, writes (12 February 2011):
Your being unreasonable. If she pays rent then it's her home as much as yours whether you rent from your parents or a stranger. She's got a right to bring friends into what she should be able to consider her home.
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