A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I turn 16 tomorrow, and for the past year I’ve been romantically involved with a guy from my year at school. Since I liked him for so long, when he asked me out it was amazing! However he did inform me that he did have a "thing" with another girl from a posh private school, but insisted he preferred me and I was more suitable for a long term relationship. For the first month, things between us were great and we met up often. I felt he was really into me and that we would last at least until the end of school. However when his best mate from London came up north, things began to change. He got in touch with his "grammar school girl" again and although he still contacted me, he seemed more cocky and passive than usual. It bothered me that he was liking and commenting on this other girl’s Facebook pictures, not to mention meeting up with her and other “girl mates". I suspect he noticed I wasn’t happy with this as my friends hinted things to him and I was a bit passive with him myself for the remaining week.Yet, as we returned back to school, things in my eyes were fine, but when he didn’t arrange to meet up that weekend I could tell something was up. The following Wednesday I was dumped (due to his indecisiveness- he didn’t feel as strongly as before and couldn’t decide if we were meant to be). I was heartbroken and cried my eyes out for days as this guy was the only proper relationship I’d had and I’d never felt strongly about anyone until him. I told him I didn’t wish to speak to him until I was fully over him because I thought there was no going back and I wanted to move on before considering becoming friends again. I was certain this was the right decision, but later he began texting me again with the sweet talk and I gave in, I tried twice but couldn’t help but talk to him. Now you’re probably thinking this boy clearly doesn’t want you, yet doesn’t want anyone else to have you, and I can see why, he constantly kept telling me how he’s a dick and feels like jumping off a cliff because he thinks I’m amazing and the perfect girlfriend yet doesn’t quite "feel the same". As much as this confused me, I accepted we wouldn’t have a future and tried my best to move on.I have mutual friends with this lad, and I attended a big party weeks later, which involved me getting very dressed up. This boy was there and I could see he was looking at me all night and occasionally came over to talk. The following week he began to get flirty again and he promised he wouldn’t flirt unless he was planning on asking me out, so I knew what he had in mind, yet I remained strong and told him I don’t think it’s healthy for us to get back together, but made the mistake of saying once I meet a new guy I have my eyes on I will be 100% over him. Funny enough, after that he began telling my friends that he wanted to ask me out again, but was worried I’d say no. He even told me he wished he could turn back time and regretted dumping me and "loved me tons" and didn’t realize what we had until he’d lost me. So as you can expect we met up that weekend and decided to give things another go as I figured everyone deserves another chance and he’s hormonal and a typical lad and I did still want him a lot, so it was a perfectly normal choice.A month later I’m as confused and depressed as ever because here I am with this boy I "love" yet I’m still not happy. The second time around, things felt boring and in my opinion, the relationship was "lacking". We did meet up a couple of times during the Christmas holidays and had a lovely time and it was romantic. But at New Year’s, his mate came down again and like before, I noticed he was in touch with this "grammar school girl". In fact, through Facebook, I ascertained that even after New Year’s, when his mate went home, he visited this girl at her house, and all over his wall there were flirty comments from her. At this point, I never actually brought up the subject of this girl because I was worried I’d seem paranoid and clingy like before, so I tried to stay cool. Eventually my friends could see I was unhappy with the relationship. Compared to most teenage lads he’s quite respectable and the flirting wasn’t that bad, but it was definitely there and I couldn’t stand being with someone who didn’t quite "love" me as much as I loved them anymore; so I dumped him.This time I made a promise to myself that it really was over, and time for me to grow up and move on. My schoolwork, family, and to an extent friendships, had suffered as a result of me spending too much time texting, talking, thinking and meeting up with this lad. Deep down I knew I couldn’t just ignore and pretend this lad didn’t exist when I saw him every day at school, we were in lessons together had mutual friends, hung out in the same place and he still text me all the time and reminded me of how he loved how close we’d gotten since the break up and told me how he never wanted to lose touch.It’s been a month since I last broke up with him, but if anything we are closer than we were when we were together. For a few weeks, I enjoyed this because to me it meant I could flirt with other guys but still had the satisfaction of knowing he still had feelings for me. A week after we finished, my ex became extremely drunk at a party to the point where he was sent home in an ambulance! As he was getting sick and shaking over the toilet, I looked after him and realized I still cared about him so much. That night because he was so drunk, he revealed to everyone how he still "loves" me and even when he was vomiting, he still managed to tell me how sorry he was for everything, and that he really did "love" me. On a few occasions over text he’s mentioned how sorry he is for us not working out, and how after speaking to his mum, he realized how much of a dick he was when we were together, but that I deserve better than him etc, but he always gets in that he still loves me.I love the satisfaction of knowing he still likes me but I’m scared of suggesting getting back together because I know he likes things the way they are between us because we are so "close" and also I realize how I need to respect myself and getting back with him is not healthy for me. Last week we ended up making out at a party. I think it was partly because we were both slightly tipsy, bored and got the urge. I was fine with this and knew nothing would come of it, and it was just a bit of fun, but this week I’ve been thinking how I’m playing with fire and at some point I’m going to get burnt.The reason I’m writing to you is because I’m finding it incredibly hard to get myself out of this yo-yo relationship with this boy because I can’t decide if he’s right for me or not. He’s the most respected, good looking, intelligent, well-liked male in my year and he isn’t the typical "arsehole " that most teenage lads are. He is kind and considerate and I know for a fact he is a great mate, but between us, we are more than friends, but we both know being together is not the right decision right now. However I know we can’t be in this "friends with benefits"- "open relationship" situation forever because like I said, it will just end in disaster. The best way to move on from someone is to cut all contact, but when I see him every day at school, text all the time, and there’s a possibility we will be attending the same sixth form... how can I do this? And it doesn’t help that I’m still emotionally attached. Please cupid, I really need your help because it’s not doing my schoolwork, family relationships and mental state any good. Thank you and hope you can help me xxx
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (12 February 2011):
"However I know we can’t be in this "friends with benefits"- "open relationship" situation forever because like I said, it will just end in disaster. The best way to move on from someone is to cut all contact, but when I see him every day at school, text all the time, and there’s a possibility we will be attending the same sixth form... how can I do this?"
By doing it. You already know what you have to do. Cut all contact, no matter how bad you feel. In the end you will get over him.
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