A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I really done know where to start... my partner and I had a really nasty argument,to the extent he physically hurt me. He is being very secretive with his phone and says its about his divorce, but normally he would show me. I did discovered a few months ago that he was on a dating website but said he was sorry and begged me back, so i gave him a second chance and he moved in with me. all was good but i did notice sperm in his pants but i think he rings sex lines. All my friends seem to have dissappeared and I dont really see my family. I feel lost... I really dont know what to do. please help
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divorce, moved in, sperm, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 December 2010):
 Like Dear Jilly, I saw your follow up and I am amazed.
Look, I don't take it personally if the posters ignore my advice. Heck,generally I can't even convince my own son, or my own cleaning lady as for that- to do what I want. Imagine if I want to convince a poster. It's their life... they do what they want with it.
Until they HAVE a life. Meaning , until they are alive.
That can be much shorter than originally intended when they live with a physically abusive man.
It's a split second. A "normal " push may make you slip and crack your skull open, a "tap" meant for your shoulder can miss its target and break your windpipe. And so on and so forth.
If you want a new life...make sure you protect your current one.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): To the original poster,
I have come back to your posting, as I wanted to see if you may have left a follow-up, and because I wanted to be sure you were getting lots of 'good advice ' as in MOVE HIM OUT, no question he's out of your life. And YES, that seems to be the consensus of opinion.
I THEN READ THE FOLLOWING- A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): Thankyou all for your replys. I know your right. but what a time a year for it to come about. With all the plans we made. Hopefully new year new start "
Well, this is EXACTLY WHY YOU are in such a situation, where a man abuses you, as you seem more pre-occupied with the fact of the time of year..and I really can't quite believe my eyes "With all the plans we made. Hopefully new year new start" You have asked for advice, and you have received sound advice, yet you choose to ignore it, which makes me wonder just how concerned or worried you are about how he behaves..the sex lines etc. It takes two to tango, it takes ONE woman to permit such behaviour and IF she does, if she puts a few drinks or a Christmas party BEFORE her own safety and a life of living with a man who is obviously NOT relationship material, by her own statements, then she is ACCEPTING it all, and has to take 50% of the blame and responsibility for being in such a position.
SIX replies concerned about your safety, and it's as though you are now almost supporting him..We sometimes attract into our life what we deserve. Sorry, but I am quite surprised at the way it has now all just been brushed aside.
Amazing!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 December 2010):
 It really doesn't matter what time of year it happened. He hurt you, it ought to be over.
Next time you may not be so lucky.
I absolutely agree with CindyCares and her statement:" To me, physical aggression is the ultimate, instant deal breaker".
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A
female
reader, comeonjesusthishurtstoomuch +, writes (17 December 2010):
 get him out get him out get him out this is serious he could kill you get him out now your life is precious there is a reason he's getting a divorce and he's now showing them to you furthermore why would you want someone who's not satisfied with one woman who needs perverted sex lines and chat sites ugh throw him out and call him a pig oh and go to your local feed store and pick you up a shocker i prefer cattle if if tries to hit you again drop him to his knees
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): Thankyou all for your replys. I know your right. but what a time a year for it to come about. With all the plans we made. Hopefully new year new start
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (17 December 2010):
 I agree with CindyCares. Violence, no matter what type or the severity is an instantaneous deal breaker for me. No if's, ands or buts about it, there is no reason and no excuse for a man to ever hit a woman. Ever.
He was on a dating website while he is going through a divorce (currently married) and dating you, that would have been a red flag for me.
And you said you found sperm in his pants? Sounds like he is either currently cheating on you or he is fully intending to, I would pack my bags, hit the road and never look back in his direction.
You deserve better than that. You deserve better then him and you don't deserve to be hurt physically, mentally or emotionally. So get out of this relationship (I know easier said than done) and find someone who is going to treat you 100 times better and show you the love and respect you deserve.
Good luck!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): I agree totally - Violence is a 'Deal-breaker' DON'T under any circumstances accept violence in a relationship, no sorry's, no second chances, as he will see this as NOT being a deal-breaker, that you are willing to take the chance and let him do it again. If once a man is violent towards a woman, he has already stepped beyond any boundaries, and in most situations, at your age, he will probably have been violent or abusive in other relationships, it does not just kick in, in your 40's or 50's.
He must MOVE OUT just on the grounds of this, let alone ALL the pother factors you describe. If he physically hurt you before he moved in with you - then YOU need to LOOK at issues within yourself, as why would any woman, who had already been abused physically entertain 'that man' living with her. This often the case, that females do this, have been in physically abusive relationships before, or come from a childhood where some abuse was apparent, which has stripped them of self-worth. Few very confident, assertive women would tolerate such a man. NO question, he would be gone and if the physical abuse was serious, he would be reported to the authorities, and perhaps have a restraining order put on him to ensure he didn't come within a certain distance of you or your home. You must take control of this.
You have listed so many REASONS NOT to even date this man, let alone live with him. You know, if you have already discovered he was n a dating site, then worse still he rings sex lines..Please...You don't even need to ask advice, you should know this is NOT healthy, and NOT put up with it, if you do, he will see you as a doormat, pliable, can abuse, and seek other women, then beg and plead, and you'll carry one being mat for him to walk on as and when he pleases!
This is not meant to hurt you, you are already hurt enough, I just so want you to see, you must look after yourself first, and not live with this man. Not sure why anyone just opts for living together, as a lot of relationships, unless a firm commitment is being made with a view to a future, is nothing more than sharing the bills, with an easy ( easier) option to move on to other relationships. Independence and choice is always good to keep until you know the type of person you are dealing with, and whether you should let them into your home 24/7. Unfortunately, you made the decision to let him move in, when the SIGNS were RINGING very, very loudly NEVER to let this man.
Please ask him to move out and protect yourself from both physical and emotional abuse.
Jilly
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (17 December 2010):
The post below said it all. Violence is a deal breaker, and that's it. On top of that, you already know he was on a dating site and it seems like he's cheating to be honest.
There's a time to run, and this is the time.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (17 December 2010):
If you ask me, that's a no brainer, but I admit I am totally biased. To me, physical aggression is the ultimate, instant deal breaker, I don't care if it's the first time or whose fault it was. If he physically hurt you- you should not see him or talk to him anymore, it's as simple as that. You owe yourself at least this little bit of respect.
Anyway, it seems there are also other issues. And not small ones, for instance I assume he is married right ? ( If he is "talking about his divorce "...)Then, you caught him on a dating website ( intention to cheat ) and now there are trust issues and he may be up to no good again.
To me that all says it's high time to abandon the sinking ship. Frankly, I don't even understand what else are you waiting for....
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