A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my partner for 15 years and have lived with him for all this time.My partner has had several affairs over the last 12 years, these have always happened at time when we have been under severe pressure from other areas whether it be business, family or financial. Throughout this time, there has always been one particular woman who has two children whom he keeps going back too. Every time it happens, the situation destroys me as he changes into a arrogant, bigoted man. He has never been physically abusive towards me but the emotional abuse is tremendous.Every time, the affair continues for some and then it stops and he comes back to me (he has never left the home on all the time). Throughout I continue to love, care and help him. He has never apologised but says that she just screws him up.After the last time, 18 months ago, he walked away from his business overnight. He said everything was getting too much for him and we went away on holiday. He never toldme he chose me just that he had to get away. Since then, I have helped him rebuild our lives on all levels. Throughout the time, he has never suggested that there were any problems with our relationship, infact we made long term future plans. I was gobsmacked when he told me recently that he made contact again with this woman and that he cannot put his feelings away for her and loves her. He's told me he cares and loves me but not in the way I want. He has asked me to leave but I wont (its his house) but its my home and I have lived here for 15 years and have done nothing but support and love him through this. As the days have gone on, I have pushed due to my distress and feel at my lowest ever. He speaks to her continously, textig her and going to see her yet he maintains that they are only talking.He rants that he wants his space to be able to do want he wants when he wants. I am sure he still loves me and I love him to the end. Is he just running away because some pressure in our life again became too much or does he really want her. Surely, if he wanted her, he would have gone to her by now?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSome people have asked me to update my situation. We have no children and when ever it has been mentioned, he has always avoided it. We are driving each other mad! I cannot believe that he doesn't love and that this is not just another mid-life crisis. The feelings and actions are just the same as before. Over the last 12 years he has stripped so I have become nothing and know nothing about myself or how to go forward. By leaving, I leave everything. I have nowhere to go and do not want to end up on the street. I am making myself ill becuase I am not eating. I just love him soooo much!! I wish someone could make it right or pick me up and put me down with someone to love me. I am just so messed up!!
A
female
reader, carebear +, writes (5 December 2007):
 Dear poster
Sorry you are going through this, there are some really great previous post on here giving fantastiv advise to poeple in your situation. Plus most of the replys you have had so far have been good. i suppose the 1 question you want answered (does he truly love this other woman) prob not same as he don't truly love you either sorry but this guy is selfish and cruel does not deserve you love and support as he has hurt you and prob the other woman beyond repair.
Get to a lawyer as suggested talk to a trusted family member or friend and keep us updated in your progress as you will make it just like the rest of us had (painfully) Get as much advice as you can and move away from this guy as a i said it better to be alone than with someone that hurts betrays you like he has and he's not even sorry! too bust thinking of himself as these kind of folk are please believe in the end "what goes around comes around" and this guy sure deserves it.
Last point and its a hard leasson you have let this go on too long should have made a stance 12 yrs ago but you live and learn good and luck thinking of you.
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A
male
reader, rhino +, writes (5 December 2007):
 what you haven't said do you have children together,then we can answer your question in more detail,but as you have been with him,acting as man and wife you DO NOT HAVE TO LEAVE YOUR HOME,DO NOT LEAVE ON ANY ACCOUNT AND GET YOURSELF A GOOD LAWYER
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A
male
reader, Samutsen  +, writes (4 December 2007):
 I think the real question you are asking is whether it is a good idea to leave the house. The question you are asking is whether it is time to leave the HOME. As you said it is your home...In the sense that you and him in that house are a FAMILY and the home and HE is yours.
Well lady,,, believe it or not we the men can be outrageously selfish and he has been depending on your infinite love and care for the last 15 years, while shamlessly fucking, flirting and messing around. I can tell you with full confidence that he knows very well that against this bloody, pitiless world he can lean on you and keeps going back to you. But at the same time he tries and tries to get to the woman of excitement, passion and 'good' sex.
You are his safe haven, others, exciting and fun voyages.
I do not believe he can ever leave this safe haven of yours, but he will keep trying. But are you ready to tolerate all his adventures and ventures like this...I don't think he is worth it. You love him too much. He is not worth it. Dump him. I do not. Leave him give him the complete emptiness (in his words space). and if he reforms himself and begins appreciating your love and care he may come back to you. And it will be your only chance to have a genuine relationship with him, which you more then deserve...
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A
male
reader, jm81690  +, writes (4 December 2007):
 Leave that guy, then nominate him for worst boyfriend of the decade.
Any guy who cheats, hits you, or emotionally abuses you isn't worth keeping around, any guy who does all three isn't worth contacting let alone loving.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (4 December 2007):
 Yeah, Thanks Phil - I always wanted to ask pgissyd about her name too! Good answers! I'm just going to repeat myself again here, DO NOT MOVE OUT. Posession is usually considered 9/10ths of the law, so if you no longer live there, you might not have a case.
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A
female
reader, pgissyd +, writes (4 December 2007):
 Thanks Phill! What so funny about pg = pregnant issyd = issy d?? lol.
Im sorry, I for some reason assumed you were married, but it clearly says in your letter that you are partners, even so you are common law man and wife, so you still need a good lawyer, who will handle this the same way he would a divorce xxx
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (4 December 2007):
Hi,
You need legal help right now. Whether it's his house or not, and whether you are married or not, you have been his partner for 15 years, so you have earned some equity in the family home . DON'T MOVE OUT before you talk to a good lawyer, it may ruin the chance of getting any settlement. It sounds like you have put up with a lot and been a loyal and supportive partner. The law is going to be on your side and he should be forced to give you some kind of compensation, based on what you have said. Get some support from friends and family too, it's probably not going to be much fun until you leave him. Good Luck Honey.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2007): I would guess that you're not married, but even so, you do have rights.
Get a lawyer and get shot of him. He's not going to change, even less so if he can continually bank on you for support and all he's doing is shi**ing on you left and right.
I agree with pgissyd (funny name, that, but good advice!)
Phil
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A
female
reader, pgissyd +, writes (4 December 2007):
Sweet heart, its time to walk away. YOu so not have to leave the house. tell him to get out. get a divorce lawyer and make sure you get what you can from your sham of a marrage. You may love him, but he hasnt loved you for 12 years.
Get out now with some dignity, for the sake of your own health if nothing else.
If she means so much to him he can go live with her, tell him you want him out of YOUR house. You are married, its not his house it belongs to both of you, regardless of whos name is on the deeds.
Get him out of your life, get a fab lawyer, take time to grieve the loss of your marrage and then move on with your life. He is nothing special, just a user and abuser.
Please admit to yourself its been over for years, and get rid of him.
You have my love and my shoulder whenever you need it hunny, I have been there, I know how you are feeling and I know what you are going through and I know full well how hard this is going to be, so please, feel free to keep in touch, ask anything you want, let me know or any of the aunts know, how you are doing as often as you like. If you want I can even look into some good divorce lawyers in your area, this is going to be hard, but not as hard as if you keep kidding yourself it will all be fine in the end.
Take care, I hope to hear from you soon xxxx
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