A
female
age
41-50,
*ollykb
writes:I have discovered that my husband has been flirting with other women - but would like advice on whether he's going too far. I have been with him for 5 years, married for 2. Last night he came come late and drunk, about 3am. He fell asleep mid text, for some reason I read the message - it was to a woman. I confronted him - and this is the scenario:He went to a pub lock in with a mate, his mate went off with a women, so he started talking to her friend. They flirted, he took her number. She suggested getting a hotel - he then got a local hotel number from 118 and phoned the hotel. Nothing else came of it. Once home, he called her mob twice and sent a message ' Hey Lady, wish I had stayed out with you.' He has now admitted he flirts reguarly when out, but nothing has ever happened - I'm very confused. Is he going too far?Thanks
View related questions:
drunk, flirt, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2011): My husband does it too, with or with out me, then turns to me and tries to feed my ego with things like, "She's a goofy." or "They just don't know they can't take me away from you!" or (and I hate this one the most), "What are you looking like that for? Get off that jealous $#!+." I don't know what to do either and our quality time has dwindled so so much in the short 18 months we've been married. We used to laugh and walk together. I look at our old photos and wonder if I'll every get my loving, caring, patient husband back... that's why I stay. But to everyone else I'm a fool. How long is too long to wait? He's already looking for (and he's said this openly) my REPLACEMENT. I promised him I would leave him like his exes did. What do I do? I've prayed so much about this that. I love him so much for the times he had, and sometimes there are sparks of that old flame, but I'm feeling oppressed. And I'm more scared as of lately because I'm slowly starting not to care.
A
female
reader, Maria1980  +, writes (14 February 2011):
 Yes darling he is acting immature and selfish without any regards towards your feelings. You should tell him directly what's on your mind and what's bothering you and if he don't change you should let him go. That is disrespectful behavior, and I do have similar situation, except my husband doesn't go out at night, but rather flirt on work and in front of me. And even I have confronted him and told him how that make me look and feel, he still do that. So for some people there is no other way then to let go that person and have a happy thought on your mind that he will be miserable with whom ever he end up.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2010): Get out right away. I am married to one for 29 years. He never changed. I left him and remarried another flirt. I do not know what to do also. I need financial security.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2009): My husband does it constantly, too. It has just recently gotten really bad after 10 years of marriage. I know now why I'm his 4th wife. Just in the past two days, it was flirting with our old neighbor's daughter, who is in her late 20s with two kids after a divorce. My husband is 54 years old. I almost threw up. I felt so sick. My father always told me to save "Going to Town" money in case the person you're with cannot be trusted. (once you have the first good reason they shouldn't be trusted.) He was not a negative man or anything. He just really believed that each person has the right to happiness and the best of whatever they want. I recommend you listen to the Audiobook version of "The Secret" if you haven't already. It has changed so many people. Some very religious types aren't that crazy about it, but many of them embrace it as well. It helps you to create the life you want. Anyway, my story will continue here, as soon as I know more.Let's just say it involves driving over 4,000 miles to get away from him, and I'm going to do it. Be courageous...don't make excuses anymore...You can make your life happier. I'll report more here, after I know more...Much love and cheers to all of you in pain...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2008): I have dealt with a flirting husband for almost fifty years now. An episode happens in front of me about every three years. At first, I would think that he was doing something to "spite me." I thought I had hurt him and he was getting his "pay back." I used all kinds of excuses. Sometimes I would be out with him some- where and some gal would not know I was there right at first. One time this gal went up to the food court where he was getting food and massaged the top of his shoulder about ten times and the side of his arm about ten times. I went through so many stages that it is unbelievable. I blamed myself and for various reasons I found excuses to forgive him. I went into counseling and found I had an extreme case of "denial." It took the counselor a long time before I could face the truth in life. However, when I finally did...I felt such a "cleanness and clear- ness" in my thinking. I was like I was in a fog all those years. One's decisions are based on "reality" and each of us need to face reality as ugly as it is. Finally, I faced the truth and realize the problem is with him. He needs the chronic "fixes" to build his self esteem. He wants his cake and to eat it to. I have thought about it a lot and decided I didn't want the financial hardship that a single person goes through. I had a nice home, life, etc. except for this. There really wasn't anything he would not do for me. He just needed his chronic "fixes." One time, I even thought I might want someone else. I picked out someone who I thought was appealing and who I would choose and flirted with him. However, it never went past that point. It didn't take me long to find out that he would flirt with me and when I wasn't around he would be flirting with someone else. You might say...well, he had the right to do this. Yes, he definitely had the right but if he cared so much for me...why would he be flirting with someone else. I wasn't flirting with anyone else or sleeping with my husand. Long before his equipment broken, another reason he needed the "ego fixes." I finally "woke up" and realized that my husband had lacked "self esteem" and he needed his chronic fixes. I also realized that I would leave the "frying pan" and go into the "fire." I don't have enough time left in this world (I am now 71) to go through a real complete analysis. Obviously, there is some "hidden" reason why I choose men who would mistreat me. I have been married almost 50 years and I realize that in our own way, we love each other. I also realize that periodically, he needs a "self esteem" fix and he flirts with a waitress or some other gal. I have never found him to have gone into an affair during all these years although possibly he has. However, I have had varous gals every two or three years call the house - you know the someone on the line who doesn't answer, etc. I have caller ID. When these episodes happen, I do what is in my power to embarrass them and "wake them up." I have gone to one gal's husand and talked to him. He put a stop to her aggressiveness. One time I called the gal back and told her I didn't appreciate her calls to my house where she didn't answer. For her to stop being a fool. If my husband wanted her, he would be the one making the moves. One time I went to the gal's boss and tried to get her fired. At least she received a warning. That was the gal who was rubbing my husband's shoulder while other people were getting their food. I would advise you to go into counseling. You are getting all your self-esteem from your husband and are being devastated because he is not "respecting you enough" to treat you right. Decide if you want to leave him or stay the rest of your lives together because of children/grandchildren/economy...whatever. Regardless, get involved in something where YOUR esteem is built up. You are handing over all your power of self-esteem to this man. Bad move! His disrespect is only that of one in a million....stop giving him the power. Many wives are like "old news" to their husbands. There is no way they can recreate the atmosphere of "dating." Face it, the husband needs to be in counseling in order to have self esteem in himself and not finding women to build him up. Also, to stop being so self-centered, he doesn't care how much he hurts his wife. She has been and is too available. The challenge is no longer there and chances are without counseling she will pick the same sort of man. Find a good THERAPIST who will help you and send the bill to your husband! God Bless!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2007): I have been married for fourty years to a womaniser and a flirt. The first two years of our relationship was wonderful. But as soon as we were married the flirting started. At first I never realised what was going on. He started drinking, staying out late nights, twice never returned until morning. The third year of our marriage he started flirting with women in front of me. When he was 59 he started a relationship with an 18 year old girl that worked for him, and this carried on for ten years untill I stopped it. We both went for counselling and he promised he would never do such a thing again. But I lost all trust and respect for him. The flirting continued, staring at young girls' bodies have been going on for years. I try to speak to him about it, but he becomes arrogant and tells me that I imagine all this. My Mother died a year ago. The Priest phoned me at our home. Minutes after that we drove to a garage to collect a battery for my car. As we came around the building there was a young woman standing smoking (my husband works just accross from this garage), she is a very loos type of girl, and works in that office,
and he stopped the car and started flirting with her, it was awful. I just sat in that car and froze. I felt that he did not respect me and how I was hurting about my mother's death. The flirting carried on for at least 20 minutes. Now a year later, today, 12th October, I am so disturbed and really feel that I cannot carry on living with this man anymore. But I am an old lady now. I really need help because if things don't change (which I know they won't) I know I am just going to die from sadness and hurt.
...............................
A
male
reader, cmpbllkn +, writes (10 September 2007):
I am going through the same thing with MY WIFE at the moment, we have been married 16 years and she told me when i asked what she does when she is out, I cant remember i am drunk but i always get a kiss of the guys i dance with, she called me from a home address last week, at 5 in the morning saying she just woke in this stair can i come and get her it is an hours drive to this location so yep 2 hour round trip, since that day things have been getting worse there is no relationship there, she txts me from work with the usaul love you x, but she answers all her txts like that. I am not in the position to give any advise but i wish she would leave, She always shouts at the kids saying she cant handle them, she sleeps all day sat and most sun. she goes out with her mates most fridays after work where i tell my kids mum is working late, normally when i go to pick her up it is at a club in town where is takes me all of 10 - 15 mins to get there and back.
Yep it is heart wrenching and soul destroying. good luck with your choice.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (10 September 2007):
 That behavior has gone way too far.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007): Too far?? It is a bit (just a bit) of an understatement, isn't it???
His behavior is not so much disrespectful (to you) as it is pathetic!!
I never understood why people would bother getting married in the first place & making a commitment, when they can't even grasp the very concept of commitment, nor basic mutual respect.
The truth, dear, is that your husband won't like you any better for putting up with it. He knows that his behavior is unacceptable, and yet that you are willing to put up with it.
From my (limited)experience, men always try harder when they are trying to impress someone! (And it is not just about the females they just met in a bar.. ) They want to impress in general!!
The problem with being too lenient / patient/ or weak even (no offense.. but you have to stand up for yourself..), is that your husband will assume that anything goes.. It is the best way to ruin your relationship!! The best way also to send your husband the message that he does not need to impress you, since you'll be around, no matter what..
Be demanding, be strong and always push your partner for the better!!
If that's the best he can do (i.e hooking up in bars and pretend it is no big deal), dump him!!
Do NOT feel sorry for not dropping your standards / expectations at his level!!
Ps: Non native speaker here!! Sorry in advance for the mistakes ;)))!!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007): Too far?? It is a bit (just a bit) of an understatement, isn't it???
His behavior is not so much disrespectful (to you) as it is pathetic!!
I never understood why people would bother to get married in the first place, and make a commitment, when they can't even grasp the very concept of commitment, nor basic mutual respect.
The truth, dear, is that your husband won't like you any better for putting up with it. He knows that his behavior is unacceptable, and yet that you are willing to put up with it.
From my (limited)experience, men always try harder when they are trying to impress someone! (And it is not just about the females they just met in a bar.. ) They want to impress in general!!
The problem with being too lenient / patient/ or weak even (no offense.. but you have to stand up for yourself..), is that your husband will assume that anything goes.. It is the best way to ruin your relationship!! The best way also to send your husband the message that he does not need to impress you, since you'll be around, no matter what..
Be demanding, be strong and confident and always push your partner for the better!!
If that's the best he can do (i.e hooking up in bars and pretend it is no big deal), dump him!!
Do NOT feel sorry for not dropping your standards / expectations at his level!!
Ps: Non native speaker here!! Sorry in advance for the mistakes ;)))!!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2007): He most likely has cheated on you already. I don't agree that you need to threaten him, I think you need to leave him. He married you, and he should either divorce you or be an honorable husband which he is not. I mean what a slob, texting some whore he met at a pub who wanted to get a hotel with him, and he passes out mid-text saying he wishes he'd of screwed her (basically). This makes me mad hearing what a discusting person he is and treating his wife this way. Darlin' you're young, you need to GET OUT while you're still young and have no kids with this loser drunk. Trust me, men like this do not change. I assume he's an alcoholic too if not yet, I assume he will be. Change and ending a marriage is HARD but what's even harder is having kids with an alcoholic scum bag who stays out til 3 a.m., cheats on his wife, lies to his wife and is no good to have around. Then when you have his kids, you'll be stuck! Give yourself a chance at happiness while you still can.
...............................
A
female
reader, Hollykb +, writes (8 September 2007):
Hollykb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your advice and points of view. It is difficult when your in the middle of the situation to see things clearly so this has really helped me put things in perspective.I have some serious thinking to do over the next few days.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2007): Get rid of him - let someone else put up with that behaviour. C'mon you KNOW you're better than that and that you will never trust him again anyway.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2007): I would not put up with that!He rung a hotel and considered spending the night with her,whilst he knew you were sat at home waiting for him.I wouldn't care if he was drunk or not he should be thinking about you,not some sleazy woman at the pub.
I would say to him either stop flirting or I'm out of here,because I'm not putting up with this.
Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2007): Im sorry, but to me this sounds a bit like the type of man i had a bad relationship with. As far as im concerned he should be at home with you his wife, or you should be out with him. he is taking you for graunteed and doesnt realise it. Do you want to live the rest of youre life thinking he is out flirting with other women. You have no proof but i think you know yourself if he is admitting texting and flirting he cant have very good intentions for youre marriage. Just think is this how you expected married life to be? its a shame but true, its hard to trust anyone these days even when you thought he would be the last person in the world to hurt you, you do need to sit down and talk to him, this whole situation will get alot worse if you dont deal with it now (believe me). my advice would be to scare him and see how he reacts, by this i mean go to a friends or relatives for a few days and see what he does, dont answer his calls for at least 24hrs (if you do this, and dont contact him) he will come running. Then tell him how you feel about this situation and can you go to counselling, if he loves you he will go and if he has been unfaithful in the past and you want to forgive him, counselling will help. Dont ignore this problem, i feel for you honestly i do, im broken hearted myself due to infedilety, dont let it go that far. Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2007): He got another woman's number?? Called a hotel?? Texting other women?? And he says "nothing" happened?? Of course he is going too far. He's married! He shouldn't be doing that.
None of what he is doing is innocent and I am sure he knows this. I know it is hard for you to believe and accept because this is a shock to you and because it is coming from someone that you love and trust. But what he is doing is WAY out of line. There is nothing normal or "right" about this, so don't try to convince yourself otherwise. And he is not going to change. I promise you. It is only going to get worse. And not because he could possibly get any worse (his behavior is DESPICABLE enough) but because you are going to find out MORE and MORE and MORE as time goes on.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2007): Talk to him and explain just how you feel. I would be pretty annoyed and not very happy. How many times has this happened which you don't kow about? I'm sorry but i wouldn't be around to find out. You deserve better. Why does he goes out so much with his friend? Can those nights not be spent going out with you? Let him have it and don't hang back - life is too short.
take care
xx
...............................
A
male
reader, Christalmighty +, writes (8 September 2007):
 Woman,he's cheating on you.And not even paying the honor of being discreet.
...............................
A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (8 September 2007):
 Hi Hollykb. Yes he is going way, way too far. Maybe has already gone too far. You can either put up with it ! You might want to give him a final chance to stop. You could start behaving the same as him. Or you could start planning divorce.
...............................
A
female
reader, sharonbury +, writes (8 September 2007):
You have been married to this man for 5 years and he is treating you like this? Where is his respect for you? Approach him with this text you found and tell him if he trys anything like that again you will leave him, alternatively play him at his own game see how he likes it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Skeez +, writes (8 September 2007):
 Yes...I think he is going to far. He isnt respcting you as a wife or your lover. Hes flirtin with other woman and taking there numbers. Also phoning up a hotel for the two of them to stay at. I think that is very far enough. Im sorry to say that he sounds like a player. But you dont deserve this at all. Hes going to make you feel concsious, insecure and jealous and they will affect your later relationships. I have been in a situation where my boyfriend kissed a lot of guys at the same time infront of me, so naturally I feel those aspects right now and have done so for more than 9 months.
Set some ground rules. If he doesnt follow them, then kick him out becuase he really doesnt deserve what your giving to him. He deserves to play his silly games and ruin his chances of ever finding a perfect relationship. If he does fllow them, make him swear to them. Instead of telling him to stop flirting all together. Tll him you can flirt casually but no touching. Compromise with him, but if he doesnt follow this either. then kick him out seriously. I think you would be much better off. I know it will be hard at first to not have him around but you will realise one day that you did the rigth thing
goodluck hun
...............................
A
female
reader, bday121 +, writes (8 September 2007):
 He's definitely going too far. I don't doubt that he's already cheated on you. Sorry, but this man isn't trustworthy. If I were you I'd be furious.
...............................
A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (8 September 2007):
 Hi
Er yes. I wouldnt be sticking with him. Its only a matter of time before he takes it further. How do you know he hasnt already.
Probably booze fuelled but what use is that.
Good luck.
C xxxxx
...............................
|
