A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband recently lost his job. I told my sister immediately. My husband is now angry at me and said I should have asked if he wants me to make it public. I told him he cannot control me and that I share everything with my sister and also that my sister will not tell other people. I told my sister my husband does not like me sharing information with her and she said it could be jealousy and that I should watch out for the warning signs. My husband now calls this a trust issue and says he cannot trust me. How do I make him understand that my sister is the most important person to me and that it will not harm him?
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male
reader, liddel  +, writes (20 February 2018):
You've embarrassed him and hurt his feelings. At the end of your post, you said, "How do I make him understand that my sister is the most important person to me". That probably hurts too.Do you ever remember replying to the affirmative to similar words such as these? "Will you have this woman/man to be your wife/husband, to live together in holy marriage? Will you love her/him, comfort her/him, honor, and keep her/him in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, be faithful to her/him as long as you both shall live?" Your husband should be the most important in your life, above all others. Instead of trying to justify what you did, apologize and tell him you won't tell his private information to anyone else. In case you don't know, you did make a mistake.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (17 February 2018):
 Sharing YOUR stuff with your sister is not bad. Sharing HIS stuff with your sister IS bad, unless you've ASKED him first.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (17 February 2018):
 Sharing with your sister is not bad, but it depends on what you're sharing.
Telling her intimate things about yourself is your choice, but violating the privacy of others is not. Your husband does not have the bond with your sister you do so if he's not comfortable telling her HIS business then it's not your place to do it either.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 February 2018):
 OP , his family or lack of one has got nothing to do with the issue. It IS bad sharing with your sister , or with anybody else in the world as for that, facts and informations concerning a person that does NOT want to share. Sharing personal stuff may not be a big deal in your view or in mine, yet sharing is not mandatory , it is totally optional - so always ask first. If you don't ask, it's bad.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (17 February 2018):
 Your update suggests that YOU don't understand that sharing with your sister IS bad. Don't stop because he doesn't like it, stop because it is the WRONG thing to do.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 February 2018):
 I would be angry with you as well. It was your husbands business that he lost his job, not yours to go and tell people. He is not controlling you he just wants to be able to talk to you about things and for you to be able to keep them between husband and wife. If you are unable to do that then maybe you should not have married him. You are married to your husband, he should be your partner your equal. Yes it is okay to be close to your sister, but never to close where it interferes with your marriage.
Of course this harms him, he is married to you, not your sister! I am with him, he cannot trust you, and a marriage is nothing without trust.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (16 February 2018):
He's right and I don't blame him for being angry.
Having a close bond with someone does not entitle you to violate the privacy of others. There are lots of things I know about people that I have not confided to anyone. not my husband, not my best friend whom I've known all my life.
Your sister is not the most important person to HIM. If and when he wants her to know HIS private business HE can tell her.
No one trusts a blabber mouth.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOP here: thanks all. I’ve been very selfish and I’ll make it up to him. I just think he’s someone who’s never had a real family and so doesn’t understand that sharing with my sister is not bad. But if he doesn’t like it, I won’t.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 February 2018):
 Sorry, OP
That is not OK. And your excuse is bogus.
ISSUES in your marriage is something you work through WITH your spouse, not your sister. If you and your husband can't work it out you can then ask advice outside of the marriage, thought family are rarely the right people to ask as they are very BIAS.
You can't tell your husband that it won't "harm" him because hat would be a lie. HE IS HURT by it. WHY else would be bring it up with you?
I think you are including your sister because YOU want to be the center of attention AT the cost of your husband.
Where is the trust here?
WHY would she need to know? you husband is trying to work through it and figure out his next move and you are already off gossiping?
THIS (your actions) is how you ruin trust in a marriage. And at some point, your NEED for sharing with your sister will be the catalyst for the break down of the marriage.
And no, he isn't jealous. HE is hurt. Both his pride and his self-respect.
Would you want HIM to tell his brother or best buddy all about YOUR short-comings? CONSTANTLY?
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (16 February 2018):
IMO your spouse comes first.
Period.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (16 February 2018):
Pardon my bluntness but if your sister is the most important person in your life, and so important that sharing things with her comes before keeping your husbadn's trust, caring about how he feels and respecting hsi right to privacy, then maybe you should not even be married , because your priorities are all skewed - and you should be living, and sharing your life, with your sister , not with a husband.
While, personally, I too think it's not such a terrible big deal if a sister -in-law comes to know that her BIL lost his job, because after all she is family and you don't need to put up a good front all the time with family and pretend that everything is absolutely perfect....then again this is not my decisison, or YOUR decisison, that's your husband 's decision ! and if he does not feel comfortable in sharing everything that goes on in HIS life with anybody outside of your couple, you should respect that, not challenge it.
I don't think this has got to do with jealousy ( although, like I said, if you put your sister 's wish to be involved in your business so obviously above your husband's wish to keep said business to himself, and be free to decide on his own what to share with whom and when,- then he would be justified in being jealous !), it has got to do with , as your husband says, trust. The trust that you have broken by sharing HIS personal info about HIS private business, without even thinking to ask him first if it was OK telling your sister.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (16 February 2018):
It IS a trust issue, do you discuss everything that happens in your marriage with your sister, effectively placing her right slap bang in the middle of it ... he married you, not her, and he deserves some respect and a right to privacy.
Jealous? Phht, no, I don't see jealousy from what you have written, I just see an wife who he cant tell anything in confidence.
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A
male
reader, mr toyboy  +, writes (16 February 2018):
My wife also does the same thing and it pisses me off. Her sister knows how much i earn, when we fight and stuff like that.
We just recently bought a home, her sister knew every single detail about the process, how much we paid for this and that.
I am a very private person who believe a marriage is between two people, i understand why is he upset with you.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (16 February 2018):
OP, no matter how important your sister is to you, him losing his job is not YOUR information to tell! You broke his trust and his pride. Losing a job can really damage someone's confidence and you ran to blurt it out to your sister - not even his family member; YOURS. It's none of her business.You deserve to know because he's your husband. She does NOT deserve to know until HE says you can tell her. ASK, OP, don't just tell your sister things that aren't YOURS to tell.Unless he's generally controlling or jealous, this is just about basic decency. God forbid he gets cancer - you run straight to your sister before he's ready to tell anyone? What if he gets a new job, but wants to see how it goes before telling anyone - are you still going to run to your sister?Some things are MEANT to be PRIVATE until the owner of said thing wants others to know. This isn't about YOU. Not everything is yours to share.Your sister SHOULD be important to you, but she should NOT be a part of your marriage in the way you're making her. Respect his privacy. Only share YOUR information, unless you've asked him first - the same way he should ask you before sharing something big about you to a close friend or family member of HIS.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (16 February 2018):
 I also wanted to add that a marriage is about two people OP. Let some things stay between the two of you. If you know that there are issues which he doesn't want others to know about then respect his wishes. That's the least that a partner can ask for. Don't involve anyone else in the marriage, no matter how well meaning they might be. No mothers, no sisters, no one. Share your own problems by all means but keep some things private.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (16 February 2018):
More than breaking his trust, you broke his ego. He's already down and out after losing his job and understandably doesn't want others to know lest they think badly of him. His reactions are normal OP, he's feeling let-down because you immediately ratted him out.
Your sister might be close to you but she's not close to him! You can't expect him to feel the same way about her as you do. And while you know she won't tell anyone, as far as he's concerned, SHE knows and that's bad enough for him. How would you feel if he reported everything that you do to his mother? That he told her of every weakness or failure of yours that you didn't want anyone to know about? Woudn't you feel betrayed?
This is not a control mechanism and neither is he jealous. Unless there's more to his behaviour otherwise, he's done nothing wrong. He's just asking for privacy at a difficult time.
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