A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My question is simple. This is something I'm trying so hard to move past, for around the last 6 months now. I feel like I have progressed, but in real baby steps! Is it really possible to forgive and continue a relationship with someone who cheated on you? Texts and a kiss on a night out, not sleeping together. I'm such an insecure person, and I have really struggled with the whole experience although I do believe we can fix it, and that he won't do it again. Sometimes I get these random thoughts that sends me spiralling down a self destructive thought pattern full of " what if's" and "but's", just as I feel like I'm moving past this. Does anyone have any suggestions how I can move past this? I have came so far, but I'm still not there. We've had lengthy conversations about it, I've expressed my feelings and I do feel as though I am building my trust with him. How to a mend my insecurities?Thanks :)
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male
reader, liddel  +, writes (20 February 2018):
I couldn't the first time a girl cheated on me. We tried to work it out but I was too hurt and the relationship was spoiled.The second time a girl did it, I got over it pretty well. I was more open sexually. Then almost exactly a year later, I came home and her stuff was gone. She had cheated again and went to live with the guy. I'm older and wiser now. One of my children is grown and married and the other a teen. During their lives, they've both been told by me, don't waste your time chasing after someone that doesn't want you. You're over 25 and really hurt. The sad truth is, unless there is divine intervention, cheaters cheat. You're not teens of kids. He made the decision to betray you and at his next opportunity, will again. He's more in love with himself than he is with you and that won't change.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 February 2018):
 It is possible to forgive, but you will NEVER forget it. That is just the nature of the beast.
He MIGHT never cheat again - but there are no guarantees, same goes for you. I think I have heard the words "I would never cheat, BUT..."
What they had was an emotional affair which quite often is 1. an indicator that their relationship is NOT quite working and 2. can be more devastating than a ONE night stand drunken hook up. Because? They got EMOTIONALLY attached to someone else.
Have you two discussed HOW and (according to him) WHY it happend? Because THAT is pretty important. Let's say he felt you were more busy with work and friends than him... well, was he right in that point (not that it EVER excuses cheating but it is always good to pinpoint WHAT went wrong what LEAD him down that garden path)
I think without fixing whatever lead UP to the event, it can easily happen again. You can only "sweep so much crap under the carpet before you get a big old lump that is impossible to ignore".
On how to rebuild trust. THAT is probably the hardest part. Sometime you just don't get back to the same level of trust with that person. EVER. And HE is actually the ONE who has to HELP rebuild the trust as he TORE it down. That isn't YOUR job alone.
You also have to ask yourself this, DO I still see myself with this guy in 1-2-3-5 years?
Personally, I would not continue to DATE someone who cheats. If you two were married I would be more inclined to say WORK it out. But again, that would come down to what degree it was.
But know that it IS OK to say, "I don't think I can forgive this any time soon." or a "I have to re-think he two of us".
It's EASY to say you forgive someone, but ACTUALLY forgiving them? MUCH much harder.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 February 2018):
 He has cheated once, why would he not cheat again?
Honestly OP if you are an insecure person this will never work. Trust takes years to build and seconds to crush it. You might never get the trust back.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2018): How long have you been with this guy?
I guess you have to take into consideration all his redeeming qualities, and the quality of the relationship before cheating became an issue between you.
When people damage your trust, it tends to spread outside the confines of that singular and particular relationship. It spills over the sides. You become weary of people, and a little cynical and spooked. It crushes your ego, weakens your self-esteem, and it makes you feel stupid for trusting. It's a struggle to get back on steady-footing and bring yourself around again. I know, I've been there.
If the feelings you have are as described:
"Sometimes I get these random thoughts that sends me spiralling down a self destructive thought pattern full of " what if's" and "but's", just as I feel like I'm moving past this."
The magnitude of his betrayal may be beyond your threshold of forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn't mean suppressing your angst about what somebody did to you, until it's too much to contain. It means you are willing to move forward. You are willing to let it go. It means you have come to terms with it. Followed by allowing them a chance to make it up to you.
Now let me stop you at this point. Forgiveness does not mean you have to remain with that person. It does not mean you have to keep that person in your life; and put yourself through hell trying to maintain a facade of trust, while all the while going totally nuts inside.
If you want to keep and maintain a relationship with that person, they have to earn your trust back. Not if you don't have it in you to forgive them fully. Saying you forgive him, just to keep him; only because you don't have the nuggets to let go. That doesn't cut it, sister. You'll only keep him and punish him; and put him through the grinder of your insecurities. He won't stand for that. He'll dump your ass! For good reason!
If you have trust issues, you work them out before you commit yourself into full-fledged adult relationships. Nobody is accountable for your issues and insecurities, but you. If you can't handle them, that's your problem; and you don't insert your baggage into the lives of others. Expecting them to tiptoe around your sensitivities. You take those problems and you learn to manage them. If they are likely to sabotage a good relationship, you're not ready. Never forget you also have to be forgiven for what you do wrong. Cheating isn't the only reason people breakup. Insecurities are at the top of the list! Insecurity kills relationships!
Talk to him and explain how serious this is. Stay strictly on the topic. The topic is how his betrayal has hurt you. All your emotional displays and tears don't make the point. Use your words. If you've got it in you to fully forgive, then do it. If you don't; then don't waste his time, or yours.
I'm sorry, if I seem harsh. It's not my intention. In order to educate; you have to be straight with the facts. I've been cheated on. It was five years into a committed-relationship. I was in my early 20's, and walked in on my partner having sex with some kid we met at a party. I was furious!!! I did forgive him. We were very young then. He more than made it up to me, but then again; he was a man of integrity, and I knew this was a moment of weakness. Our love and partnership survived another 23 years, until cancer took him from me. What I gave him, was strictly his. Now I'm older and wiser.
Now comes the disclaimer. Knowing what I know now. If it happened, he would be gone. I'd still forgive him, but move on. He wouldn't be given a second-chance; because he didn't value my trust. I've been tempted and almost gave-in, but I didn't do it. Now that I have a relationship, I've met someone who has been cheated on too many times in his past. He's so sweet and trusting. I'm surprised at how well he has put that all behind him. He knows the sting of betrayal better than anyone. It's just not in me to hurt this man!
If he did it to me, as much as I love him, he is gone. I've invested far too much of myself and fallen far too deeply to let it pass. We both have that understanding between us. Not that I can't forgive. I can. I just won't let my valuable trust and love be taken so lightly. That's just me. We are mature and experienced. We know actions have consequences.
Insecurity is purely a "personal-problem." It is the result of trauma, damaged self-esteem, and the loss of confidence. If you can heal of a gunshot-wound or a stabbing, you should be able to move on after heartbreak. The mind is slow to heal; so it is a matter of will and determination. In cases of psychological-abuse, sexual-abuse/assault, violence, and physical-trauma, it goes much much deeper. It's not the same as being cheated on. It is destruction that goes so deep some can't recover, that's so much more serious. However; I am proud to know survivors of all of those things. I commend them, and I love them. I admire them!
Heartbreak and betrayal get power and energy from feeding it our weakness. When we willingly submit to defeat.
We recover from it by putting our foot down and deciding we will not let other people hold that kind of power over us. We dig deep into our arsenal of weapons of self-preservation; and decide we want to survive. That's what these trials and challenges of life are for. Developing resilience, gaining muscle, and equipping us with tools for survival. We decide we rule over our faults and weaknesses, they don't rule over us. Wimps fall aside in self-defeat; and aren't equipped for real adult-relationships, that take stamina for endurance. Life ain't easy! It's survival of the fittest!
It takes strength, belief in yourself, and determination. Life is full of challenges, and some can take you down; then you've got to get back up. The point is living. Enjoying life, in spite of the pitfalls. Love is complicated, so you prepare to handle it. You're supposed to grow stronger through victory from surviving a downfall. You move forward by forgiving, which doesn't mean you have to keep that person in your life.
He had a choice before doing what he did. You know how valuable your trust is, and if he puts his dick before it; he's best on his way.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (16 February 2018):
I've never heard of a magic cure for this problem. However you handle this problem, it takes time to regain trust after a person has cheated. Trust may never be fully regained.
It is just in men's nature to experience sex with a variety of women. In all probability, he did not have an emotional connection with this woman...it was a matter of his hormones working on him. Whatever part of your distrust is based on him being in love with this woman, you can forget that.
There is much to be said and many ways to look at this problem. I suggest you read the many things available on the internet. You'll find nearly 14 million links by Googling "moving past cheating".
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