A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:my husband has caught me cheating for the third time. i really love my husband but i cheat regularly. often an attractive man hits on me and i just can't resist and i am in bed with him. i explained this to my husband and i told him that i can't/don't want to stop and often i am thinking of the next guy i might meet. i do love my husband and he is my emotional rock and i would be lost without him. i think an open marriage is the way to go for us and he is thinking about it. he says he loves me too much to loose me and admitted that he loves living with me and can't be without me. this time he was not so angry with me like the other two times. he said he is accepted that i can't be like other women and he thinks of me as a "free spirit". my girlfriend says that we might like swinging better. is there any advantage to that over an open marriage?? i know my husband will stay my lover, my rock but i want to stabilize the marriage routine so he feels more secure. for at least 10 years before i met my husband i had sex with whom ever i was attracted to and that was my life style and committing to one man sexually is just not for me. so what would be best: swinging or open relationship?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2011): Also, keep in mind, if you continue to cheat on your hubby, he will do the same thing you're doing. It's pure and simple, which is why men typically do it because the wife or girlfriend is cheating in the beginning with other men. They become even. In other words, if a woman cheats in the beginning, the man does the same thing she did to him. Why should a man waste his time blowing up at her for messing around with other men and then killing her and/or her lover? He could be charged with domestic violence and go to jail, even though the main reason for domestic violence is female infidelity in the beginning. It's obviously wrong.
A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (20 July 2009):
Once you re-build the trust in your relationship you can consider swinging. However, keep in mind, in swinging it's about you and your mate having fun w/ others together (usually). Couples that you'll be trying to hook up with can develop a strong 6th sense, and when things don't feel right, you'll likely not party. A few will bed anyone, but most are a bit more careful.
You'll have to have a SOLID reationship to survive swinging, it can tear apart folks who are not as rady as they should be when they dabble in it.
Proceed only after serious in-depth discussions.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2008): i think ratshead explained it pretty well (the female answer at top of the page) dont pay attention to all those narrow minded whitch burners, but unless your husband can be completely comftable with swinging then your got problems. the dishounousty you've showen him in the past could stop him from ever enjoying a swinging lifestlye . swinging can only work when both partners love and adore each other (which you do have) trust completely and share openess (which you may have destoyed) you need to do alot more bonding with your partner before you and him can move to that stage. - take care !
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A
female
reader, Ratshead  +, writes (23 July 2008):
If your husband really loves you he will thrilled watching you enjoy yourself. If he thinks rationally, there is a woman out there that will excite him in new ways.
Why not try this: Arrange a foursome with partners that you both find exciting. Aim to orgasm more or less at the same time as your husband, or a close to that as possible. Then immediately withdraw from your temp partners and embrace each other, entwine your bodies and let the aromas and fresh juices of the orgasms that each of have enjoyed mingle. Couple with each other as soon as you have gathered yourselves. You will find that you are engulfed in a newness. Your husband will find that immediately after another man has raised you to orgasm and withdrawn your vulva will take on a newness, it will be as if he is entering another woman.
We are living in an age that sex is no longer just an activity to breed. Contraception has taken care of that and made sex a fun sport.
Sex has nothing to do with love. It is strange that most men will happily accept their wives having a massage. What is the difference between a back rub or a clitero-vaginal rub? Of course the latter is far more satisfying!
Unfortunately we have been abused by thousands of years of judeo-christian-muslim narrow-mindedness.
It's time that humans started thinking for themselves.
It seems that you will not be able to stop having sex with any man that you fancy - and you should not have to. Your husband must accept, and enjoy, it - he will if he loves you. My husband and I have been swinging for over 20 years, he loves watching me copulate. I find it re-assuring and relaxing when he holds my legs spread wide apart, while I get deeply penetrated. Most important that you involve your husband in all you do, keep him informed with exactly whatever he wants to know and be honest.
Enjoy each other and enjoy each other enjoying others!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): "so what would be best: swinging or open relationship?"
Neither is the best answer. How about divorce and continuing with your lifestyle as a single or find a man who likes to cheat on his wife and marry him and be happy together.
It seems obvious that your and your husband's ideas of marriage are very different. It is difficult for a marriage to be a happy one and last with differences that great. Find someone who thinks as you do and allow him to do the same.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (8 July 2008):
 Hi,
well I wont judge you. Your story matches a story my friend told me about his boss. Once his wife had children she became insatiable and demanded that she be allowed to sleep with other men. Apparently since she's been going to swingers clubs their marriage works fine.
But I think this is a rarity, most marriages couldnt survive this as it is like the other posters say, a one way ticket. Only one partner is benefitting, I doubt your partner will be into the swinging thing as much as you and not only that but he will have to actually watch other men having sex with you. But at least you wont be going behind his back I guess.
You are at least being honest here, but did you tell your husband before you married that you had an insatiable sex appetite? It doesnt look like you did.
So really it is all for your benefit not his.
Maybe take the others advice and go see a counsellor together. But if you dont think you have a problem I'm not sure how much counselling with resolve.
good luck anyway.
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A
female
reader, HonningKanin  +, writes (8 July 2008):
 OK I am going to put this very bluntly. You are using your husbands understanding to continue a very destructive behaviour. You stated for 10 years you were able to sleep with whom ever you chosed, but the fact of the matter is you sign away those privilegdes the moment you got into a relationship with someone who didn't want a relationshp like that. If you were like that then you should have told him well before the marriage how you wanted things to be if you werent the type to be a one man woman. You are molesting your husbands feelings by this behaviour and you are crushing him. RCN is right in that you have put him in a lose lose position and you are takng advantage of the fact that he will put up with this type of behaviour even though you know rightly it hurts him to high heaven. That is beyond selfish. He deserves far better than what you are dishing out to him and I would say it will only be a matter of time before he snaps to find someone who will treat him the way he wants to be treated.If he is your emotional rock and you love him you have a funny way of showing it. If he even has to consider swinging or an open relationship than it shows he never wanted it to start with. This should have been a decision that was made also before any affairs or cheating started mutually.. not by force.Wise up and start treateing him with the respect and love that he wants. A relationship is based on compromise and if you love him he you should understand that what you do hurts him and therefore shouldn't do it. Learn some self control. Even though people want to do things if a partner will get hurt you should keep yourself from doing them. Its called consideration of someone elses feelings. I am sure he is considering your feelings and thats why he is making his best attempts to please you but you arent even giving him an inch. It seems very much all about you and what you cant and wont do for him. Thats very sad and pathetic.Talk to him and find out how he really feels about what you are doing. If he really doesn't like it, if he really is hurt by this you should think twice and learn to keep your legs closed for him.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (8 July 2008):
 The whole of your post sounds very selfish. Your poor husband. Have you honestly ever given much thought to how you would feel if he cheated on you? And what about the risks to all your sexual healths???
You say your husband will always be there as your rock.
I doubt it. Not realistically, even if he thinks he will at the moment. Unless he has a whole personality/morals transplant at some point. He will run into someone that treats him good. We all meet people like that all the time in life, but if we are in satisfying relatioships, we resist them emotionally. But he will be off. You must be either addicted to sex or extremely low in self asteem. Those are the only reasons casual sex would be so appealing.
Hope you get it sorted, maybe try counselling. For both your sakes.
C xxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): I am not here to judge you; or to tell you what to do or what not; the decision is yours; it is your life; I do believe there is some deep rooted issues within you causing this behaviour and I do believe that with the right help and assistance those issues can be resolved; I do believe it will be more approriate if you then decide how you want to continue your life;
However, I suggest you get proffesional counselling before you make any final decision;
It might also be good for your husband to attend some counselling with you, should you decide to stay married;
Personally I think it will be unfair to expect from your husband to stay on in a marriage without boundaries;
I believe the hurt will ultimately destroy him and the marraige anyway;
Thus, please do get counselling before you go ahead;
Best wishes
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A
female
reader, happytochat +, writes (8 July 2008):
Doing what you are doing and want to do goes against waht marriage is. So either you stick with your marriage and dont sleep around, or you leave the marriage. You cant have both.
And dont for one minute think that having an open marriage will solve your problems because it will not. Your husband may agree to it now, but deep down its geting at him so much!!!
In time, he wont be able to cope wiht it anymore. Love DOES NOT conquer all. So eventually he will get tired of being emotionally strung out...and will leave you despite all his love for you.
Its not respectful to him what you are doing. And without respect there is no true marriage.
If you truly do want to save your marriage then I suggest counselling.
If you honestly want to sleep around with any guy you see then leave the marriage. Dont force your husband into settling for less then what he deserves. If you loved him then you would let him go and have what he truly deserves and wants.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): Why don't you get divorced? Sure your husband will hurt, but it will be a one-time hurt and then he can find someone to love and cherish him proper (like you said you would).You would need counseling if you wanted to give up this life-style, which I don't think you want to....so you will continue doing it, that's is fine, but you should have told your husband BEFORE the weddding.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (8 July 2008):
 Depends on your husbands preference. Swinging involves him, open does not.
Reading this, I can imagine the knots in your husbands stomach. Pure pain twisting and tightening up. You say "we might like better". It's you might, your husband may go along with it just so he doesn't loose you. That doesn't mean you lifestyle won't continue emotionally destroying him while he makes you happy.
You said you can't and won't stop. That's the same as saying your marriage isn't worth the commitment. Being a free spirit is okay, but getting married to someone who honors commitment is not okay. Hurting your husband for your own satisfaction is not okay.
I feel sory for your husband. You placed him in a lose/lose position. Either he allows you to continue, or looses you. This should have been decided before saying "I do." You may think this is okay. From the past times he caught you and was really upset. Studdies show, men who catch their significant other receive the same level of mental trauma as a women who had just been raped. That's the love you have for your husband.
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A
female
reader, Honey Sweet +, writes (8 July 2008):
 I think swiging is a good idea because your doing things and u can trust each other at the same time. encourage him to do it with you .
hope this has helped
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