A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:the man i love recently (as in a few days back) got engaged to his girlfriend of about 3 years. i can't explain it how intensely i feel this, but i KNOW we are meant to be together. i feel it strongly enough to CONFIDENTLY say that we are MEANT to BE. i don't know what to do though now that they are engaged. i mean, i'm under 18, hes 13 years older and engaged to his bloody girlfriend, so what the hell can i do? well, i will NOT give up thats for sure. i have spent the past two years trying to get this man to like me, as much as it would be morally wrong. but i did it in a way to be more of friends, it wasnt anythign to get him in trouble. so giving up is not an option. but what to REALISTICALLY do, i don't know. i wont just sit here and let them get married. I CAN NOT!!!!! him and i are somewhat friends, but his older sister and i are closer. WHAT do i do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! they can't get married!!!!
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female
reader, bellasmommy +, writes (26 July 2008):
ok, CLEARLY he is using you for sex or comfort or whatever it is you do with him. Im not trying to be a hater, but you need to give it up... if he got ingaged WHILE being with you, he clearly has no feelings what so ever for you. Stop being needy. Your being used. i feel bad, dont let a guy ruin you. you can be with someone else closer to your age.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2008): umm first of all hes enganged he clearly loves his fiance, c`mon just let him go.
find a guy around youre age to like im sure its better to just move on :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): Ok, step back and take a reality check.
1: People do not, as a general rule, get engaged to people they do not love. This guy clearly loves his now fiance, which is why he is with her, and not you.
2: He is 13 years older than you. Although I know, from personal experience, that relationships with much older guys can work out, a lot of the time they don't. Also, a lot of older guys do not want to be involved with girls they regard as children.
3: You've been trying to worm your way into his affections for the last two years, and he hasn't taken any regard of it. Apart from that being a nasty, NASTY thing to do, considering he's already taken, he clearly isn't interested, as otherwise I'm sure you two wouldn't still be at the 'just friends' stage.
4: Sorry, but you strike me not only as immature, but also as a spoilt, horrible little girl. You need to do some serious growing up - you won't let them get married? How do you think they would feel about that? Splitting this guy up from his fiance isn't going to make him like you, you know. Quite the opposite, I imagine. Also, try imagining how YOU would feel if you were his fiance, and you had some little girl trying to destroy your relationship because she was too selfish to care that you were happy. I don't think you'd like it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): What you say in your post about the intensity of your feelings for an unavailable, older partner and your refusal to give up and your intention to interfere and stop his impending marriage concerns me greatly.
You do not have the insight to understand this, but you my dear are suffering from some debilitating psychological infirmities, and I hope that you will share these thoughts with your doctor and have him recommend a good therapist for you.
You suffer most likely from an anxiety disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder. I am not indicating that you are crazy, but you are delusional and you are doing things to harm yourself. By focusing your entire attentions on this man and his unavailability and what you are going to do to get him to like you, you are wasting your life, your time, but more importantly it serves a very important coping mechanism for you, it keeps you from feeling your own terror, your own anxiety about your own life. There are some good aspects to being obsessive compusive, it is a great survival mechanism that in the old days even helped our ancestors survive, sort of a survival of the fittest, but now, your personality disorder is not needed, you don't need it to survive and you are in overdrive with your obsessional thoughts, the intensity of your feelings and your determination and strong belief that this means that you are meant to have this thing you feel so strongly come to fruition, is the big tip off that this is not a regular crutch, it has become an obsession and is interfering with the quality of your life, and is causing you problems in your relationships with others.
Please seek some help for this, you will understand yourself better and there is medication that can help control these thoughts and anxiety, and give you your life back so that you can have a reciprocal relationship with someone who is available, age appropriate and whom returns your feelings, and not in an intense obsessive way.
Take care and don't do anything rash. Do not stalk this guy or you may get in trouble with the law. Leave him and his girlfriend well alone.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (8 July 2008):
Well apart from killing his girlfriend and keeping the guy prisoner in a remote cabin in the mountains, there is nothing you can do.
I think you need to focus on getting on with your own life. If you two really are DESTINED to be together then maybe she will get run over by a bus in a few years and he will fall in love with you instead.
But since that is about as likely as Mickey Mouse becoming the next leader of the UN, I suggest you throw your obsessions into something else like your career.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, O Connor  +, writes (8 July 2008):
 oh sweetheart dillusional doesnt begin to cover it. im sorry to sound harsh but you should really reread your question and tell me how many red flags you see.
you say you have been trying for 2 yrs to get this guy to like you - results?? he's engaged to someone else. not gonna happen hun.
you want realistically? you need to realise that this guy is about to get married to someone he loves very much, and you are not going to be with him, nor should you try. why try and destroy someone else's shot at happiness? you two are not meant to be together...i think 2yrs of failed attempts should be proof enough. he has been with her for 3yrs - not you.
no offence but you need to wake up and take a big whiff of the coffee.
never gonna happen, move on, and leave this man alone.
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A
female
reader, sexi  +, writes (8 July 2008):
 Hi
As harsh as this may sound, i think that you should try to leave him alone. He has just gotten engaged so i think he has made his intentions pretty much clear. Just go out and meet other people. You Mr. Right is out there waiting for you.
Regards
Mail me if you wanna chat
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (8 July 2008):
 You want advice on what you can REALISTICALLY do about his engagement? There is nothing. So I suggest you stay busy and try to focus on something else. Your relationship is totally one sided and will amount to nothing but a waste of your time.
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A
female
reader, stupid fool +, writes (8 July 2008):
hi ya. has this guy ever said that he wanted to be with you ? if he cared for you i dont thing he would have got emgaged to his girlfriend of 3 years . i think you should find yourself someone your own age . believe it or not you will look back at this and laugh . you might not think it now but you will. love is a very hard thing to understand and only with time and the right guy you will truely want it. good luck and go out and have fun life is to short to chase someone elses guy because thats what he is xoxo
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): Ask yourself why this guy is engaged to his girlfriend?! He proposed to her, why do you think he wanted to spend the rest of his life with this woman?!You answers, in my head, will probably vary. Not in a harsh way, but you are deluded, blinded by love. I know there, although there probably is, nothing I can say or do that will change your mind. I can't make you believe. I can't make you stop loving someone, or feeling something for him.I never had anything against age difference, and that still stands now. But because hes 13 years older, hes more mature, he wants more out of his life. Hes wiser, he knows what he wants. Your under 18, so 16 or 17. Thats barely older than me. We don't really know what the real world is. He has been through this era of time. Hes more experienced. What he will know is that if you care about someone, truly, you'd want them to be happy. Yeah I know full well a lot of people who are told that in yours and my situation would disagree. Trust me, I know what its like. Unrequited love is painful, excruitatingly painful.Your pretty stubborn too. Like me. You won't take no for an answer. You have in your head that you two are meant to be together, nothing will stop you. Your not giving up on hope either.How many people get what they want by clinging onto hope. Going through all that pain after one thing. Not many. I clung onto hope too. 3 years this September. Its painful. Its drags you through places you wouldn't want to be. Its destroyed my life, don't let it destroy yours either.Giving up is not an option to you. Obviously. Giving up is the ONLY option. Do you want to destroy his life?! Do you want him to be unhappy. Blunt as it is, he doesn't like you. You want to stop them getting married, but when your slightly older - bit half-hearted coming from me but - you will realize that marriage is the happiest thing thats meant to happen to you. You don't love him. Your infatuated. Your obsessed.Yes my answer and reply is very scatty. To the point, you need to cut the contact. It is hard, but trust me it works. Don't think about talking to him again. Don't talk to his sister for a while either.I can't see you doing anything anyone recommends to you. I can't convince you anything, or feel anything.I know even through all this you will probably do something to stop that wedding. I implore you to read other peoples advice, as well as my own, because if you do something your likely to destroy his life. What about his girlfriend?!They both feel the luckiest people on Earth. The happiest. Why destroy their happiness and replace it with anger. He will never be with you. You will be with someone else you will love, and he will love you too, and you will understand then what it feels like to be engaged to someone. To be with someone. For the rest of your life.
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