A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 20 and my girlfriend is 18, We have been dating since high school. I go to college in a town that is 4 hours away from our home town. Last April during our last week of school I invited (begged) her to come down and attend the last class bash with me. She came down and spent the whole week with me. I intorduced her to a few of my female friends and they hit it of right away. The night of the last party was in the dorm that I was living in, we spent some time together then she went to hang out with some girls and me with some of my friends. A few hours later I heard that there was a guy who had taken picturs of some chick that he had gotten drunk and had sex with and was spending text pictures on his phone. All of a sudden one of my buddies grabbed the phone and started yelling at me to go find my girlfriend. When I did she was in a room, half naked and passed out. We found out that the guy had slipped her the date rape drug and taken advanage of her.Once we got her to the hospital I had to call her parents and the police. As soon as her family arrived her father blamed me saying I should have been with her. Over the summer she has come to terms with what has happened, but I havn't. I still keep reliving the moment I found her over and over again. I feel like I should have been there for her. I have been on anti depressive meds since early June. I can't sleep, think and I can't look her in the face, let alone have sex with her. I love her more then anything in this world but everytime she wants to have sex I just keep thinking about that guy doing things to her. I have tried talking to a school councilor but it didnt help. How do I get past all of this before it distroys our relationship.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2009): You know, she was raped. Somewhere along the line instead of supporting her and making her feel like she is not 'damaged goods' as the poster says, you have made this your problem. Try thinking from her point of view. I can't imagine how she must feel that her boyfriend does not desire her. There is nothing more crushing than that in an intimate relationship. You may end up scarring her for life. This may also take your mind off your mind. I agree with lessonlearned - you're keeping it stirred. Have you tried talking to her about what you feel? And what she feels? Her father was just venting. You did not send her out with a bunch of guys. And, your friends were alert enough to tell you. And the guy is caught. And he'll pay for it for years to come. Now treat it like an injury and let it heal. Get a grip. The guy who did it was an idiot to ruin years of his life for five minutes of what he thought was fun. If you need to force yourself to heal, visit that room. Spray it or something. Or visit a rape crisis centre and make a donation. Each time you think of your gf in that room, think of the moron in a cell for years to come. Take your gf to your room or some nice place and make the gentlest possible love to her in the best possible way - perhaps with flower petals on the bed, maybe followed by a scented bath. I cannnot think of anything that can be more positive for you and for her. Hope this works. Don't become a statistic - most relationships in which a partner is raped end in break ups.
A
male
reader, LessonsLearned  +, writes (9 October 2009):
You need to understand some things. One, although talking to counselor seems like it makes things worse, its only keeping the shit stirred up so it doesn't settle in your brain and make you sick forever. You can't repress or minimize the pain and trauma your going through. The only way out is to deal with it and finding a way to emotionally live with it. You need to keep working to get rid of it. It's the only way to health.
If there's any way on earth possible, you need to move from where your at. You don't need constant reminders of what you went through. Your starting from scratch. You need to start fresh and start a new life. This only works if you maintain contact with family and friends and a counselor of some type. It's not a replacement for therapy and will do no good if you do it on it's own.
You need to put the relationship on hold. The most important thing is that you both get the help you need. Everything else needs to take second place because if you don't deal with this horror that visited your lives through no fault of your own. The rest of your lives will be ruined.
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A
male
reader, LessonsLearned +, writes (9 October 2009):
You need to understand some things. One, although talking to counselor seems like it makes things worse, its only keeping the shit stirred up so it doesn't settle in your brain and make you sick forever. You can't repress or minimize the pain and trauma your going through. The only way out is to deal with it and finding a way to emotionally live with it. You need to keep working to get rid of it. It's the only way to health.
If there's any way on earth possible, you need to move from where your at. You don't need constant reminders of what you went through. Your starting from scratch. You need to start fresh and start a new life. This only works if you maintain contact with family and friends and a counselor of some type. It's not a replacement for therapy and will do no good if you do it on it's own.
You need to put the relationship on hold. The most important thing is that you both get the help you need. Everything else needs to take second place because if you don't deal with this horror that visited your lives through no fault of your own. The rest of your lives will be ruined.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009): I am the guy who wrote this question.
I wanted to say that yes the guy who did this was caught and is due in court in novemeber. The police found a video that shows hima nd a buddy laughing about the faact that he had put druggs in her drink and over 20 pictures that he took of her once she was drugged. so hewill be punished for what he did. Don't worry I don;t paln on going afte tthe guy, I did think alot about that the first few months then I realized that if I was in jail then there would be no way I could protect Becca.
Its just so hard to get that nigth out of my head, if I close my eyes the first thing I see is her laying on a bed. Since coming back to school it has gotten worse. My room is 3 doors down from the room that she was rape din, I have to walk past the room everyday just leave the dorm. I literally walk out the front door and vomit every morning just from walking past a freakin' door. I can't wait for november to come but I dread the thought of having Becca have to hear so many details about that night. I hate the fact taht I am 4 hours away from her and onbly seen her every 3 or 4 weeks and when I do she her I am a freakin' zombie because I can't sleep and that I can't just look at he rthe way I always did. I tried talkign to the school councilor again today but it just seems to make thigns worse, I'm just sit there like a freakin' nut and cry. I just don't know what else to do
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (1 October 2009):
First of all, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! It isn't hers either. Her father was not helpful saying that, because it will make her feel bad and it's made you feel bad.
Get some counselling for yourself. Get all your feelings out into the air. Don't pressurize your girlfriend into sex at all at the moment as it will make her feel very bad. Be there for her, listen to her and reassure her. Most of all, remember that the one who raped her is the one responsible.
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A
female
reader, puds123  +, writes (1 October 2009):
ok something similar happened to me and my bf also felt the same as you!! after i came to terms with it he never did and he didnt tell me for a long time but i also knew it was like he had consent guilt in his eyes. But it wasnt his fault and ITS NOT YOURS either!! Its a horrible thing to go through but once you can come to terms with it you do learn to move one, you can have a shower without feeling disgusting, you can eat without throwing up etc. it might take time but it does happen, and it sounds like your gf is at this stage. I think your gf is probably feeling very loved and happy that you stuck by cause some guys wouldnt i personnally was afraid my bf would think i was damaged goods or something. I think what your gf needs from you is normality, go back to the way your relationship was befor all thiss happened let her know that you still love her no matter what but the guilt has been getting to you! She'll appreciate that you wanted to protect her but somethings are just immposible to stop!!! you couldnt have done anything that night nobody could have!!! Its not ur fault the only one persons fault it is is the guy who did it to her and thats not you!!DONT go and recover your manhood thats maddness that will just bring it all back for your gf!!! Stop blaming yourself because its not your fault, you had no idea what was going to happen and you couldnt have stopped her going off with the girls for a while shes a young girl who likes to hang out at parties its normal you cant be with her 24/7 that wouldnt help your relationship!!!i hope it everything works out for yous!
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A
male
reader, LessonsLearned +, writes (1 October 2009):
Don't go do something stupid to "recover your manhood". Christ, thats dumb advice. You'll end up getting caught and going to jail and throwing your life down the drain. For some reason the justice system targets vigilantes worse than they target rapists. Besides, you'd be doing it for yourself, not for her.
I'm going to say something that's painful but true. Most relationships that end with one of the partners getting raped end up breaking up. It's too much to deal with. Your not equipped to handle this. The faster you put this behind you the better. It's not your fault, don't waste your life thinking that.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (1 October 2009):
 No matter what her father says to you, you are not the man who drugged and raped your girlfriend.
What you're feeling is shame. Shame is one of the most self-destructive emotions in the panoply of human emotions. Its depressing you.
The anti-depressants will not relieve the suffering, only temper the symptoms.
You need to finally sit down with your girlfriend, and you need to open your hearts to each other. She has to know how deeply this has hurt you too. And you have to finally face up to the pain she's gone through. Even though she's come to terms with this crime against her; she wants desperately to be whole with you.
Both of you need to devote a great deal of love to each other to overcome this. The sooner you two spend the time to heal together, the easier it will be for you to come to terms with this despicable crime. But please understand this: this was not your crime, you did nothing more than legitimately trust that others at this party would respect your girlfriend and not victimize her.
She could've been drugged at a bar, at a restaurant, or at a school cafeteria.
What no one can legitimately do is blame you for hurting so deeply over this. You love her and she needs you too.
Try and find a way to be with her and give her what she needs, your love.
Finally, ignore the negative thoughts of another man taking advantage of her. She had nothing to do with that, and to continue doing this will only further victimize her and yourself.
You need to focus on her, and at the same time, focus on the two of you as a couple.
From everything you've written, it would be a terrible waste of two young lives to avoid overcoming this challenge together, and becoming stronger and better for it.
I wish the two of you only the best of luck, and warmest wishes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009): You have to realize you cant go back in time. You cant change anything. What happened was absolutely horrible and its not your fault. The person who should feel blame and guilt is the disgusting bastard who did that to her. You were with your friends, you left her in good hands, and this moron came and did an unspeakable act. You cant let this ruin your life and ruin your relationship. You need to be thankful it wasnt worse, you need to be thankful she wasnt spiked with some other drug and potentially died. You have another chance with her, you have a fresh start and you need to start utilizing it. Dont worry about the past, just learn from it to make your future even brighter. If you let these negative thoughts consume you, it will ruin your life. You need to stay strong, you need to stay positive, and you need to live your life to the fullest. You wont ever forget this, you wont ever change this, but you must get past it. Move on in this world and enjoy all it has to offer. Your girlfriend still loves you, wants to be with you, and rather than wasting your time worrying about things you cant change and putting yourself down, you need to pick yourself up and spend more time with her and have some fun. Just go out there and enjoy yourself and take your mind off things. It wont be easy, you will still struggle at times, but this wont ruin your life. You are strong and you will get through this and you will have an amazing future ahead.
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A
male
reader, Candleman +, writes (1 October 2009):
 I can sit here and rattle off all the reasons why you should not feel guilty. Other people will tell you why on this forum, so I'm gonna spare this. I personally feel you should not feel guilty, and I hope the guy that did this (the one who should feel guilty) gets a lot of time in prison.
Doesn't erase how you feel though.
Here's my advice.
While going to therapy and working on your healing...
Get involved with an organization that deals with this issue. Help raise money for non-profits that work either getting the message out there or actually helping victims.
If you can not find a non-profit, then start one.
Take this incredible amount of energy you have towards this subject and redirect it into something positive.
Just a suggestion.
Best Wishes
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (1 October 2009):
 Obviously you didn't do anything wrong and neither did your girlfriend but, psychologically this sick w@nker that raped your girlfriend has diminished your manhood by putting you in a position in which you couldn't protect the woman that you love. He has made the situation worse by making it so public within your college community. Your girlfriend's father hasn't helped with his attitude.
Did this guy get away with it or was he appropriately punished?
If he has not yet been punished then your mind needs you to retaliate and to humiliate him. How you do this depends on your physical capabilities: it might be a straightforward beating or it might be something more subtle but he needs to be defeated, publicly and he needs to know that you did this to him.
Don't expect your girlfriend to thank you for this. She will tell you that you are a stupid boy and that you don't need to BUT in your mind you will have reclaimed what was taken from you.
Each time that I post on this topic my post quickly deleted presumably on the basis that I'm encouraging you to do something illegal so I have to make it clear that I'm not saying that you should seriously injure this guy or do anything that could get you in trouble with the law but you do need a victory over him in order to recover your sense of manhood.
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