A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my girlfriend for almost three years now. I'm almost 28 and have two kids, 6-8 from a previous marriage.What is preventing our relationship from progressing is that I have had a vasectomy and am not really sure if I'm going to want to have it reversed. I'm worn out taking care of just two kids (I have them 50% of the time), let alone the financial burden, and just can't imagine adding more to my plate.She had been undecided on wanting children in the past, but is now really leaning towards wanting to have children. Since I'm really not sure if I want to have more, we're looking at breaking up.I know my reasons for not wanting to have more kids are selfish, but I just can't seem to get myself excited about having more kids when I'm worn out already. I also value the time we have in-between weeks with the kids, where we can do what we want without worry. Having a child means losing that and becoming even more worn down.I really love my kids and I really love my girlfriend. She's great with my kids and we share a great many common interests. We hardly ever argue about anything, but this situation is driving a wedge in our relationship. I've rarely ever ask for advice from anyone for anything... But I need help. Can anyone shed some light on what I should do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2009): one more kid is not much more work. trust me. my mother had 9. 2 passed away in the infant stage.
be realistic. you are lucky she is open with you and that she has discussed her needs with you. she just did not trap you. then you would feel pressure.
for most people kids complete us. you have experienced fatherhood. she gets on well with your kids. do not rob her of the joy of having a kid. seems to me you want her to play step mum to your kids without returning the favour.
A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (7 October 2009):
 Sorry - didn't mean to say that all women want kids. I know some don't. I just have such an incredibly strong drive to have kids that I can't quite believe it's true that some don't. But I know I'm wrong.
As for the girlfriend changing her mind - I know lots of women who through out their 20s and early 30s protested that they would never ever want kids, then when they all hit 34 they suddenly had 3 kids each and now are the driving force behind every playgroup in the county ... it happens. Always.
So lets not blame anyone here. She wants kids. That's normal and legitimate. He doesn't. That's also ok but it is a particular choice and will cut him off from quite a lot of women. Period.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): Another way to put this is and the bottom line is, if you really love this woman and you want to marry her and you want her to be happy, you are going to have to get the reversal and try to have a child. If it doesn't work, then you can go through all the trials of IVF and the expense, but she really wants a child with you and that is a pretty natural thing for a woman in love and a lot of women want children and they have a clock ticking that men don't have to deal with. So to be fair to her, let her go if you can't see this possibility of another child.
Personally, I am a different from your girlfriend and there are a lot of women like me believe it or not, just not as many as the ones who want children. I always put love and relationship first with the man I am with, if kids weren't in the cards because of his situation, if he had his own kids, that is cool I can love them too, I don't have a major yearnining to bear children, never did, I just wanted to be happy with a man however that picture looked. Weird, I know. But there is a woman out there who thinks like I do, knows you can't give her a kid, don't want one, you got fixed and has two kids of his own...it is two bad she didn't know what she wanted when she met you, because if she did she would have taken a pass.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): Thank you everyone so far, especially natasia and Confuzzled012 and the anonymous reader in the same boat. I'm usually pretty good at analyzing myself, but it appears that in this instance, my personal experience is clouding my ability to apply pure objectivity.
My first marriage was a disaster waiting to happen (read, young and very, very stupid), and my own parents got divorced when I was young, so I've really never known what it is to have children with someone you actually really love. I've always related kids more to responsibility than to fulfillment... which again, is due to personal circumstance.
Anyways, thank you all so far... I'm reading each and every reply. Thank you!
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female
reader, HonningKanin  +, writes (7 October 2009):
 I agree with rhythmanablues on pretty much the everything she had stated apart from the marriage side of it. I knw there are some couples out there that are far better and loving a family without being married than a married couple.
I think you have really thought about this and I think you already know already you need to let her go if breeding is what she desires and you don't. It would be so inappropriate for you to get this woman pregnant. You dnt want any more children for very valid reasons. You should not bit off more than you can handle and you should never bring a child into this world with feeling of doubt or resentment. A child should be brought into this world by people who love and want it. It is a selfish thing to do bringing a child into this world.
However if you change your mind, a compromise could possibly be adoption. This would skirt the issue of reversals and may give you and she more time to prepare for the child. My elder brother had a reversal by the way, which didn't work and did cost him his marriage. Not all reversals are successful and could mean you essentially could never plant the seed she wants from you. You should really talk to her about this as it is a very painful procedure you would have to go through for a very minimal chance of procreation. Take her to doctors consultations as even he will tell you and her this.
If she still is unsatisfied with this compromise and she still wants a child, you will need to let her go.
I hope things work out for you and she.
HonningKanin
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female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (7 October 2009):
 This is one of those things that just can't be worked out. If you DO have kids with her, you'll perhaps resent her and the kids and if she DOESN'T have kids, she'll end up resenting you. This is just a messy situation either way.
I agree with all the advice here, all though I do think that there are women out there who are perfectly content not to have children. One of my friends is one of these women who is having the same problem as you - finding a man who isn't interested in creating a family. There's no shame in saying that's not something you're interested, and all though she's great - as rhythmandblues2 says - this is a deal breaker.
Sorry, and good luck!
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (7 October 2009):
ps and as for being tired out - talk to her about that (without putting a damper on things) - plan how life would look, and plan in some time for yourselves. It IS possible. I have an 18-month-old and I do pretty much all the looking after (well, yes, all of it). Her daddy also has 2 kids from a previous marriage - 5 and 8. He also feels worn down, emotionally torn, tired out, and as if he only works to pay for everyone and has no freedom and no time for himself. (Frankly, if I analyse his days, that isn't entirely true - spends all evening watching telly and looking up cars on eBay, so not that badly off) - anyhow, the point is, there are practical ways to make sure you still do get some time together. And if your girlfriend so wants a baby, I'm sure she'll be more than happy to take more than her share of the looking after, so in reality you'll get off reasonably lightly, I should think.
I am always pretty strict about bedtime. It's crucial, so that you get some time of your own in the evening. Exhaust them in the day. Has to be done.
And anyhow, as you are not with the mother of your other children, you might find (as I have) a new joy, possibly never even known, of feeling truly close to the person you've created another life with. There is no more peaceful or joyful feeling than the three of you lying together, in each other's arms. Well, that's what I have found.
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (7 October 2009):
I understand why you value the peaceful time you have with your girlfriend, but yes, you do need to think about how good it feels to hug your children, and how whatever it costs, or however tired you are, you still would never be without them.
What your girlfriend wants is only natural. She wants what you have, and millions of others have. She wants to be part of the human race. And she wants to do it with you. That in itself is very special.
I think that with the pressures of your life, you are losing sight of the real picture a bit. You're not exactly being selfish, but you sound a bit depressed and worn down, and that's why the time with your girl seems so precious, because it is your me time.
I think you might actually find having a child with her, and building a family, including your other kids, to be reassuring and fulfilling. And as everyone says, it is your choice. You can be a single dad always on your own or with a girlfriend only for as long as it takes for her to want kids with you. Or you can take the next step with the woman you love.
\
And don't kid yourself that if you end it with her, you'll find a great warm loving woman who doesn't want kids. Pretty much all warm loving women want a family at some point. It is the natural progression of falling in love, to want to be so close that your two spirits, and bodies, become one. Isn't it? I guess I'm getting sentimental in my old age : ) Forgive me. But hey, you either love her or not. And imagine how much more she would love you if you said 'ok, come on - what star sign shall our baby be?'
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female
reader, HereAreMyTwoCents +, writes (7 October 2009):
 Unfortunately disagreement about having kids is a common dealbreaker in relationships. It would not be fair to deprive her of her own child. But if you love each other enough, you can make it through just about anything, and having a child together is certainly not a tragedy, just a lifestyle changer. Only you know whether or not you are devoted enough to her to give her the child she wants. If you are not ready for a child with her, you are not wrong... it just means that you will have to break up.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): I would not have more kids without being married first. The problem is that both of us don't want to get married until this issue is settled, one way of the other.
I know if we had kids, that she would be an excellent mother and I know I'd love the kids I'd have with her every bit as much as my two boys now. But since I'm already worn out with two kids, I can't get excited about the idea of having more kids and thus just can't give her the solid "yes" we need to continue our relationship and eventually get married.
I just want to know, from someone else's standpoint, whether or not I should stand my ground on my choice, or whether I'm being selfish and unreasonable and should re-evaluate my position on having more kids?
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (7 October 2009):
 This is a biggie really. If she wants kids and you dont, then its not really going to work out is it in the long run. x
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male
reader, Confuzzled012 +, writes (7 October 2009):
 Having a family is one of our purposes of life. We reproduce to keep our race alive and in order to accomplish that, we have to be filled with a desire to do so. So it's instinct for people to want to have kids. It's not really fair for her to never get that because her boyfriend already had them before she came along. It could end up destroying her. Imagine her lyeing alone in her old age, wishing desperately that she had carried on her family, knowing there is nothing more she can do about it. It's sad.. a very sad thing.
If she wants kids, it's part of her life that has to be fullfilled or it will eat at her for the rest of her life. She may even end up resenting you for it, if she gives that part of her up to stay with you.
So what has to be done is either one of you makes the sacrifice, or you break up if neither of you are willing to do that.
But it's very, very important that whoever makes the sacrifice, be that your decision, that person must come to absolute terms with that decision. If that person is not 100% positive that they can do it for the other person, there will be anger, resentment, guilt, etc..
I know you feel like you have your kids and so having another will take away all the special time you have with her. But in reality, having a baby with her can potentially bring you much, much closer together. You will have that child to share to hold with her, and you will have the honour of knowing that it came from you and her. You can take care of it together, and raise it in the image of you and her. Think this through very carefuly. Make a pro-con list if you want.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): You should never ever have kids if you aren't married first.
She wants children, you don't. It's a deal breaker.
It seems you want someone on here to tell you that you are right for not wanting to have more kids. Ok, I am telling you that you are right and your reasons are valid and having a child is a selfish thing, not having them is not being selfish. Why else would you bring a child into the world unless you really want them here? I can't think of anything more selfish, but there is nothing wrong with that, nothing wrong with having a child for selfish reasons.
So no one can make this decision for you, it is a tough one, but many a relationship has broken up over this very issue.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): i am going through exactly the same as this. My boyfriend has 3 children already and doesn't want any more. I want my own child with him and it has driven a massive wedge between us and now we are not even talking. All I can say is that this situation is not going to go away and the more time that goes on the more obsessive about this she is going to become. My boyfriend says much the same as you, that he values the time we have together and for us the fact that I am quite old to have a child but I can't accept any of his reasons. Be very careful that she doesn't start to resent you and your existing kids. This has happened with me and now I refuse to spend any time with his existing children as I don't see why I should bother with them when he won't give me my own child. i advise you to tread very very carefully here and if you really can't give in then let her go as soon as possible before it drags out and she becomes more and more annoyed at what she would see as the unfairness of it all.
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