A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:[Moderator's Note: 2 questions from the same poster have been merged together]Sexually my girlfriend and i are having considerable problems due to lack of experience on both our parts and she also has vaginismus (which she is currently seeking help for) so no penetration can take place. We have been together for coming up to 11 months. In the early stages of our relationship we were slightly active in terms of using hands and attempting more but eventually she outright told me she didn't want to do anything until she was sorted. So here we are 11 months down the line. I understand her predicament completely and am more than happy to wait and am ready to be as patient as needs be. We recently had a convo as she won't even kiss me properly (a peck here and there) and she literally doesn't instigate anything and i just needed to know that she still cared for me as it feels more and more like friends but she just told me that she was nervous and worried it would lead to more and she would be hurt and uncomfortable. Still i understood so we agreed to slowly set goals and work up. Until this point i figured it was all her. She has had 5 partners since she was sixteen (now in mid twenties) and she is my first. I thought we were on a similar wavelength however as she couldn't do any more with partners than me and i am shy and probably like a young teen trying to learn the sexual ways of the world (and therefore i am very nervous). i thought we were on a same sexual level and it would be something we'd overcome together. But today, she tells me that she is a very horny person and masturbates sometimes 3 times per day and that even though she cannot use them penetratively she has dildo's and vibrators (some of which she describes as being what i consider to be inhumanly big...in my world anyway) which she uses regularly and has been all her adult life. She then tells me that she doesn't specifically imagine specific people (hmmmmm....?) (also she always sees men on tv and specifically turns to me and says...."wow, he's hot" but not in a jokey way...in an i want him way...whats she trying to achieve with that...it makes me feel bad enough!) but just imagines they are real men's body parts as she masturbates and that a vibrator is better than any hand could ever be (she also told me that all her female work colleagues tell her that they are better than men in general). I'm shocked and even though i underdstand a woman has needs i thought we were both the little inexperienced ones that would find our pleasure together and now i feel redundant.I asked her if she was so horny all the time why couldn't we masturbate each other (it's been 8 months since she outright refused to do anything with me and i assumed she just wasn't ready to be a sexual person and so am waiting) but she tells me "oh, i'm not ready for that yet" which means she can lay by herself and no doubt imagine other people doing things to her but she doesn't want me to be part of that.Not only do i feel hurt and redundant, i feel incredibly intimidated. The way she described things she has completely changed as a person in my mind and i feel almost that our relationship has been a lie. that i've been patiently and eagerly waiting for this new part of our life, while she's been happily satisfying herself without me or any need for me to even become part of that.I feel completely disheartened and disillusioned with sex and especially female sexuality (i was scared of it before but now i'm terrified). Especially once she overcomes her vaginismus and her massive dildos and vibrators really come into play and theres little unexperienced me hammering away for 5 seconds while she's dreaming of mr rabbit or mr oscillating 10 inches!I really don't know what to do. I have phychological problems and intimidations sexually anyway- now i they are completely shattered and my ideas of becoming sexually active are gone...i don't even ever want sex anymore!I'm hurt and don't know where to go. And i've just realised i have a massive complex against this formidable female world of sex and anne summers parties (yup- she's apparently been to them too) and i feel mislead about the sexual bonding experience we were going to embark on together...and now i feel like a useless pointless, sexless misfit with a girl that assures me she loves me and wants to be with me and yet would prefer to imagine another mans body pleasuring her.What can i do? please any comments would be greatly appreciated! many thanks!Question 2:Do nearly all women use vibrators and dildos? my girlfriend of 11 months has only just informed me that she uses them and that they are better than any manual stimulation could be and yet we are not sexually active together in anyway due to her having problems and being shy. This new found information has left me feeling very insecure and intimidated...please help?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2009): Sounds like she just really doesn't care about you . Its a one way love affair . She for some reason wants you arround ,but thats it . Been there and did that . No matter what you do , its going to go no where till you get over it . Please ,don't waste your time . Just maybe , maybe ,maybe if you leave ,she will have a different opinion . But you need to find out why you are there for . If she is honest and not playing you with the answers . Go from there .Do not let her play you anymore . You can love her ,but you have to love your self . Which your showing her you don't.What ever you decide , good luck !!
A
female
reader, Happy_To_Help...=] +, writes (24 September 2009):
![Happy_To_Help...=] agony aunt](/avatars/9bf7d07b-f6ff-43d6-9f58-1940fefc0a78.png) Hey, don't worry about her using vibes and thinking of other mens members, we all do it, (whether we admit it or not) most women and men fantasise about being with other people and other people touching us other than our lovers while will stimulate ourselves to climax.
My advice to you is to get an anal vibrator and also comment on hot females on the telly, this will let her know how it feels to be unsure of where she stands in your mind and she will realise how you have been feeling.
If this doesn't work then it might be better to consider going elsewhere for your sexual needs and just coming back to your current girlfriend in the evening for your emotional needs and love between the two of you, after having already satisfied your other needs with your sexual partner.
If you lack the confidence to find a seperate sexual partner with whom you have not also developed close bonds with first, then it may be wise to consider using the services of an escort untill you are confident enough with sex to be able to have a partner on the side for the sole purpose of sex.
If your not comfortable with having two partners for different needs, then you will have to seriously consider ending your relationship with your current partner and finding someone who better apreciates a mans needs.
I hope this advice has been helpfull hunni and good luck =] xxx
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (24 September 2009):
 You seem to have a number of issues, but a lot of it is being hurt by her own insensitivity to your sexuality.
The first thing you need to do is be more secure in yourself as a man. Period. Absent that, she's going to wittingly or unwittingly run over you and not even realize the damage she's doing.
The fact of the matter is that she's imminently satisfied with sex toys. There's no question about this. Her dildos and vibrators basically serve the function and role of a lover that requires the mere effort of replacing batteries and using them in a way proper that gives her pleasure.
Meanwhile, because she's satisfied in her own world, her vaginismus aside, if she wants intimacy, even if its limited sexual contact, she has to open up to you and try and consider you as a man, not just some guy standing there.
Your statement puts the lie to the assertion that she cares about you, when you write:
"I feel almost that our relationship has been a lie. that i've been patiently and eagerly waiting for this new part of our life, while she's been happily satisfying herself without me or any need for me to even become part of that."
The very fact that she does not want you to participate in her sex life, despite it being private to her, and she does not want to at least participate in your own masturbatory fantasies, tells me that you need to move on to someone who cares enough to satisfy you as well as herself.
A woman like this is searching for a male cuckhold. You appear to be the exact opposite of that.
As far as feeling insecure about your own masculinity, I think she's created that insecurity, or made it worse, and so this is hurting you outright.
The only solution to this problem in your case is to sit down with her in person and tell her that you feel left out. That you're not being treated as a sexual being, yet she treats herself that way. Its one-sided and unfair.
There are plenty of other ways to be sexually intimate between two partners outside of coital sex, and you're willing to try and she's ignoring you.
If that's the case, then she's not paying attention to you, she's taking you for granted and yes you're a redundancy in her life.
That's sad. You're better than that and she knows you deserve better. If she's not willing to make the efforts to see to it that you're satisfied in this relationship, then she will soon become a redundancy in your life.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (24 September 2009):
It sounds like this girl is using you because you're a good king guy. However, she might be shy about being with you. Whatever happens, you need to speak to her about it. If she can't give a decent explanation, dump her. It'll hurt, but there are other women out there who know how to treat decent guys and you'd be better of finding one of them instead.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2009): I think your girl is stringing you along--do not fall for it. I have had issues where sex was not possible for weeks at a time, but I made sure my husband was taken care of in that area. Women can be cruel and hurtful when they do not want someone--it sounds like to me you are not the man she wants. You sound like a patient, wonderful guy do not let this woman take advantage of you and ruin you for all others. You are still very young so I say put her to the side and get a woman who can appreciate you and treat you like a man needs to be treated.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2009): Your girlfriend may have vaginismus, however I don't understand why that precludes her from even kissing you. Having a sexual relationship is not all about penetrative sex. There are loads of other things you could do together to pleasure each. I can see why she might be worried that one thing mught lead to another, however she has to be able to trust you, otherwise the relationship is not really going anywhere. I'm afraid that I agree with the other answer so far- I think this girl is stringing you along. Intimacy is an important part of a relationship, even if you don't have full sex. She needs to understand this. I also think she is being very immature if she just goes along with what her workmates say about a dildo being better than a real hand- she has either had poor experiences in the past or just none at all. I think your girlfriend is being unfair on you and selfish. Perhaps you should think about separating, perhaps until your girlfriend has got over her problems. 11 months is enough time to start at least exploring things together that you are both happy with. You sound very unhappy whereas your girlfriend is quite happy pleasure herself. I too would feel cheated if I were you. I think you need to move on and find someone you are more compatible with.
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A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (24 September 2009):
 It's perfectly normal for a girl in her 20s to masturbate, just as it's perfectly normal for a guy to. I don't know how often you do, but I assume she wouldn't be upset to find out that you take care of yourself while waiting for her. Maybe you picture her, or maybe you fantasize about celebrities, or maybe you watch some porn, but overall masturbating isn't really a big issue generally.
But it IS vastly more personal than bringing in someone else. Masturbating is private, safe, and requires no trust. Sex with a boyfriend is intimate and vulnerable in a completely different way, and she very well may not be ready for someone else to see her naked and trusting like that yet. Exploring her own body is not the same as exploring her sexuality in a relationship.
Actually, this is good for you. The more she learns how to use her own body, the better she will be able to guide you to her sensitive spots and teach you how to please her. Most women that have difficulty climaxing simply don't know what they want and expect men to be psychic. The advice is always: women need to masturbate and learn what they want, then tell their men.
The bigger problem that I see is the kissing. That needn't be sexual at all, just tender and loving. If she doesn't even kiss you much or well, she may simply not be very into physical affection of any form, in which case you have to make a decision about whether you can live like that. If it's been a year of dating and she can't kiss you, she almost certainly never will (or at least never as much as you want). If you're ok with that, fine, but be aware of it. Don't expect her to magically change.
She may open up sexually, and may turn into a real tiger in bed, but it seems like she's going to remain rather reserved and private, for a while if not forever. So decide what's important to you. My last GF was virtually asexual, and I proposed to her anyway, but it caused more drama and pain than I thought it would and we never made it to the wedding.
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A
female
reader, obsticalfree +, writes (24 September 2009):
Wow do you have a brother? LOL Seriously you have been incredibly patient. I want to say that she is being selfish. No not all women use stimulation devices in fact I would say it is the minority.People have different attitudes towards sex. Personally I believe that when it within a relationship as your it is an expression of love. And both partners should be interested in pleasing and satisfying the other person. The fact that she is interested in stimulating herself and not you is well... not a good sign in my opinion. The fact that she explicitly told you that she was enjoying self-stimulation but hasn't allowed intimacy with you is cruel. In my experience when there have been times that I or a partner was unable to have sex we attempted to please the other person in what ever ways we could. When there is a medical condition like this penetration may be impossible but you can please each other in many ways. I can understand that she would be reluctant but the fact that she was more intimate and now not at all isn't good. Worse in my opinion is whilst you have wanted to work it out and have agreed to be patient she seems to expect to control all without a giving attitude. I hope for your sake this is a temporary thing because being married to someone who is non-affectionate with their partner would be miserable. By the way, don't be intimidated by not being experienced I dated a man who was older than you that did not have experience and he turned out to be an amazing lover because he took his time and enjoyed everything and made me feel like a queen. When someone has had a lot of partners I can gurantee that most of them were probably focused on their own gratification which =casual sex. Making Love with someone or having sex along with the actually connection and emotional feelings wins handsdown everytime ").
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A
male
reader, Heartbroken in love +, writes (24 September 2009):
buddy u been patient enough with ur girl. get out while you are still young. there are plenty of girl out there that prefer the real thing. bottom line is u aren't satisfied. tell her she can either become comfortable with you in that way or you are gonna go elsewhere. you shouldn't have to beg for intimacy so don't. I'm with you my friend.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2009): Hey Dude,
I can understand where your coming from. Sexuality is a very complex and personal thing and not something to be afraid about.
With sex you should have a partner not someone who will one day give you some. You shouldnt have to beg for it . I think your girl is stringing you along. I think she is telling you lies and I dont think she wants to have sex for whatever reason. thats my gut feeling based on your post.
I think you need to let her know that you love her and care about her and that kissing, touching, stroking her are all things you want to do and that you want her to do for you. Because sex should be a physical expression of an emotional state. If she feels she wants no sexual contact then Im sorry to say it but that could mean you guys are not compatible, in which case its time to move on. I might sound harsh but ive been there and spent ages waiting to be wanted sexually and trust me it isnt worth it.
PS dont get me wrong Im not saying a relationship is all about sex, it is not but in a proper normal health relationship sex is a small but significant part. In a relationship where sex isnt happening but where its desired then sex becomes a proportionately bigger and more worrisome part.
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