A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'll start by giving a little bit of detail about my girlfriend and I. We're both 22 years old, we have been dating very seriously for four years, and we are pretty much best friends. We have never had any big fights or rough spots in the relationship before all this started. It's like we've always just clicked, physically and emotionally. We're both huge techies and actually met online, through my good friend. We started talking online before I moved up here where she lives, and even just through our online conversations, we could really tell that we got along extremely well with the other and discussed the possibility of dating when I moved up. I actually came up to visit a few months before I moved and spend my first days with her face to face. We had an amazing time together, and at that point we knew we were together as a couple. We've been together since I moved up here and literally every single day we've spent has been incredible.Cut to more recently. During the last few months of last year, I began to notice that she was becoming somewhat distant. At first I just assumed it was because she had just gotten a new job after having not been working for some time and our separate work schedules actually kept us from seeing one another much more than just on the weekends. Well around late November and all throughout December she was constantly giving reasons as to why she could not or did not want to come over during any free time we had. Not only that, but she was barely focusing on any of the conversations we were having online, either not responding to anything I was saying or giving very dry responses that had little to no emotion involved. Needless to say, I was starting to get very worried and confused, and I finally addressed it with her. Like any guy, the very slight possibility that she was cheating on me was floating in my head, but I still refused to believe that it could be true. We had been so faithful to one another and so strong up until now, how could she possibly cheat? Still though, I asked her, "Are you receiving strong emotional gratification from another source that does not involve me or our relationship?" Her response was "Nope" and nothing beyond that. At this point, I was very frustrated. I haven't seen her in weeks and she was talking to me online like I'm a mere acquaintance, not a lover. On the morning of Christmas Eve I decided I absolutely need to go see her, face to face, as I had a flight later that day to go see my family in California for the holidays. I show up at her place in the morning, shortly before she had to leave for work, and she regards me in the same way that she had been regarding me online. "Sup?" she asks. I just sort of respond, "Not much? I just wanted to see you." She doesn't really say anything and continues to eat breakfast. At any other point in our relationship, she would be smothering me with affection after going weeks without seeing one another. Eventually she is leaving for work. She tells me to have a good time in California and waves goodbye. I have to be the one to kiss her, because she wasn't going to instigate it. I was feeling worse than ever about it at this point. Her parents had agreed to take me to the airport (they absolutely love me and are amazing people, which I am so grateful for), but my flight wasn't for a while, so they encouraged me to just use her computer or nap on her bed. Well, I got on her computer and my impulses, curiosity, and pain took over. I started searching her computer for any evidence of what was causing her to act the way she had been and eventually I stumbled upon two things: A picture she made in photoshop with a caption along the lines of "My boyfriend doesn't know that I am trying to raise $1200 to come see you in Brasil and finally feel your arms around me." I eventually learned that this was made to be sent to a 'secret' Live Journal community where you anonymously submit images that reveal something you're keeping secret. The second thing was a conversation she had with this other guy in mid December, which she must have felt particularly strongly about, since she saved it. The conversation consisted of her explaining to him that she was feeling lost in the world and didn't know where she wanted to go. All of his responses were made to look extremely sincere and helpful, stating things such as "You're so amazing, I know you can do whatever you want if you put your mind to it. You can do anything and go anywhere! You need to live your life and see the world!" The interesting thing is that he always managed to go back to hinting that she should start by going to see him in Rio, Brasil. Every little thing he said was met with such emotion filled responses from her. "You're making me cry...but it's a good cry. No one says things like that to me." You can imagine how much that hurt to read, when I tell you that throughout the entirety of our relationship I have been encouraging her to live her life and promising her that she is incredible and will do amazing things. Not to toot my own horn, but I feel that I have always had a very good grasp on the world and on the way people feel and think, for my age, at least. She has had quite a few points throughout our relationship where she has had serious issues with herself emotionally and I have always been there to assess what she is thinking and feeling and then talk her through everything to the point where she is stronger than ever. She has called me 'therapeutic' and it makes me so happy that I've understood her well enough to be able to help her come to terms with herself. What I think happened is that the emotional issues she began to experience were directly related to me, thus the reason why she didn't come to me for help. To my luck, someone else happened to be there to move in on that territory and she fell for it. First of all, I absolutely do not mean to offend anyone here, but the guy she has been talking to is Brazilian. Upon researching, I have found sources that say Brazilian men tend to have a strong interest in finding woman after woman, to the point where they can be very manipulative to gain the interest of the women they want. Yes, I know many men from many backgrounds can be like this, but that's beyond the point. From what I've seen, and what I know about him, he is extremely manipulative, and he has used any sort of indecision she has had about me and our relationship, or about her life in general, to burrow his way into her heart via the internet. Another fun fact: He was doing this exact same act with another woman before her, a young woman who was married. Just like right now, he was trying to convince this woman that she wanted more out of the world and that she would love to come visit Rio, Brasil some day. As far as I can tell, she fell for it for a while but eventually figured it all out and stopped talking to him. That is when he moved onto my girlfriend. When it was explained to her that the case with the woman before her should be enough proof that she is being controlled like a puppet, she simply responded "I'm not like the other girl. This is different." Mind you, I finally approached her at the end of last year and got everything I was feeling out. I eventually said "You need to choose. You can continue this ridiculous dream of going to Brasil and seeing a man you've been talking to online for about a year, or you can give up that idea and make this work with me." She said she needed time to think and we left it at that. The next night, she messaged me online in an explosion of emotion and she said "I choose you, okay!? I'm so sorry I've broken your heart, but please understand that I broke my own heart as well. You didn't break it, he didn't break it, I did. We need to work together to fix our hearts." I was thrilled and let her know how happy I was. I promised I would do what it takes to fix our hearts and our relationship. The next thing she said, however, did not make me so happy. "But please understand, he and I are rational people and we are definitely stepping back and asking ourselves how the hell we let it happen. He is still a good friend and I will not stop talking to him, I'm sorry if that upsets you." I said "Of course it upsets me, but as long as you promise you won't be talking to him like you were before, then I'm not going to be an asshole and tell you what to do here." Cut to today. It's been a month now and she has definitely been making an attempt for things to go back to normal with us. When she comes to see me, we always have a great time. We continue to share jokes and experiences, and we're very intimate. When she is at home and we talk online, however, she is still very distant. She seems incapable of being the one to say "I love you" and she seems to have a hard time understanding why I feel it's so important that we say 'goodnight' to one another before one of us resides. We used to feel so strongly about it, but now ever since this little situation happened, she doesn't seem to care either way. Her opinion is that "we're strong enough at this point to not need to say goodnight to know we still love each other." I don't really buy that, but I didn't give her a hard time about it.Basically, the mere thought that they are still talking, most likely every second she is not talking to me or spending time with me, has just been eating away at me. These last few weeks have been horrible, I can't think about anything else other than the fact that she's still talking to the man whom she emotionally cheated on me with, the reason why we almost fell apart. I finally brought it up the other day, letting her know that I am in so much pain at this point that I don't think I can continue being with her while she talks to him. Her response was "But the concept of never talking to him again breaks my heart." I said "That mere fact shatters mine, so I guess we're even." She is extremely bad when I confront her about this. She holes up and hardly responds to anything I say. I feel like I'm making a lot of sense, emotionally, but she will not let it in, she will not let it affect the way she is thinking or feeling. She just says "I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say." Am I jumping the gun here with talking to her more about what happened? Or should I just be waiting, while she casually talks to this man behind my back, in hopes that it will all sort itself out? There's always the possibility that she will finally come to terms with the fact that she was completely and utterly used by him, which is really the only thing that I think is necessary for us to even be able to work this out, but I'm not going to wait for that to happen, because there is a chance that it won't. I feel like there is a chance that she is only going to rekindle those feeling she had, and I am damn positive that he is going to keep talking to her in such a way that will make that happen. He has planted the seed, and he's going to continue to water it while I sit back and watch my relationship get destroyed. That is what I fear will happen. I absolutely need to know what I have to do or what I have to say to get through to her emotionally and make her realize that she is his puppet, even right now while they are 'being rational and just talking as friends now'. If I continue to try and tell her outright, she will close off and deny it. This is because he has implanted false feelings inside of her, and she is clinging to those and telling herself that they are real feelings and that his feelings for her are just as real.How could anyone take it seriously? When someone says something like "You need to get out and live your life. You can't be with him forever, it would be a crime to limit yourself like that. You need to see the world...why don't you start with Rio, Brasil? Don't let the fact that I live there change anything." It's pathetically obvious...how do I get her to see that? How do I help my side win in her mental/emotional battle? It's absolutely despicable of him to manipulate her while she's young and curious, but he dug the trap and she fell in. If she were feeling these things completely on her own, without his influence, that would be something I could sit back and understand. The fact that it is all influenced by him is what makes it disgusting. I love this woman and I absolutely must help her overcome it, because if I do choose to leave her now and later down the line she finally learns the truth about her 'relationship' with him, she will be destroyed and I will not be there for her. I will always have love in my heart for her and I do not want that to happen to her. I understand that she betrayed me with what she did, but I also am keeping rational and logical enough to understand how she could have let it happen, regardless of how emotional or hurt I also feel about the situation. How do I get through to her?Any helpful thoughts, concerns, or ideas would be extremely appreciated. If you feel like you need any more details from me to assess this correctly, feel free to ask and I will tell. Thank you so much for reading all of that.
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acne, best friend, cheated on me, christmas, her ex, met online, the internet Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Brandon3 +, writes (17 March 2009):
I recently experienced the same thing. I now know what i did wrong looking back on the whole situation. Because you are both in love you have to tke her by the hand and sit her down and say baby i really love you and what ur doing is really breaking my heart. Then give her an altermative, if you want me in your life you will stop this or else im leaving and ull never hear from me again. Give her a specific time and date. If she truly cares for you the thought of losing you forever will really scare her and even though shell be reluctant to she will cut off all contact with him.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2009): Man. I am there. I have the same situation going on in my life. Eventually I sat her down and told her what i wasnt happy with. Would you belive it she blamed me. She told me i should have put my foot down. Get angy . She didnt want to see a wimp. I didnt do that because i didnt want to be seen as the possesive type. But I realised now i should have stopped this earlier. I eventually got her to see me more often. Unfortuantly there comes a time that you have to draw a line. Shes either on your side , so you are together. Or she wants to continue to mess you about. As long as you let her she will continue. If she wont accept that you dont want her to see this guy. . . .The answer is simple. Walk away with your head high. You are better than her. You can be trusted. Get on with your life.
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A
female
reader, MommyOfOne +, writes (30 January 2009):
 I feel for you here. Most people wouldn't have stayed through this. But, I understand that you love her.You HAVE to put your foot down and say, you will not do this to me. If you don't, and you let her carry on with this bullsh*t, once she wakes up and realizes this guy isn't what she thought, she will move on to the next emotional affair. Why? Because you let her have her cake and eat it too with Brazil guy.Like the other guy said, you have to put your foot down. Yes, baby, its going to be hard and it very well may hurt to do, but it has to be done. Give her the time frame. If she can't do it, then tell her that she has made her choice, and stop contact. It doesn't have to be permanent, no. Don't tell her its not permanent. Let her come to you. Chances are, she will wake up and realize that dream boat is in brazil and more than likely will never work out. And no matter how hard you try, you can't have a long term, solid, real relationship...online. If she comes back, let her know that the only way you will be with her is if he is out of the picture.Honestly, I think you two need a break. Leave her alone for a while. A month. Maybe two. Come back and talk things over. She needs to be left alone in her mess. That's the only way she will wake up. But, in no way sir, do you sit back and let this happen. No. I understand that you want to BELIEVE this isn't her fault and that she was manipulated, but in all reality, she is a grown woman who is willingly participating in an affair. I know you don't want to face that fact, because its a bitter pill to swallow. But, she is just as much to blame as he is. Nobody put a gun to her head and told her to talk to this man. Nobody forced her to take these conversations where they went. She did it willingly. And now, she will not willingly stop communication. The writting on the wall is clear. But love has blinded you. I understand. My heart breaks for you. Be strong. Put your foot down. Shaking her world a little bit is the only way she will wake up.
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A
male
reader, Mr. Sensitive  +, writes (30 January 2009):
 I'm glad you had the opportunity to get some of this out into an open forum. And it's great you had the strength to talk clearly and openly to her about your feelings.I'm also not going to sugar coat it: you say you respect her choices, but then say she's being manipulated. I don't think those two go together. Either she's a grown woman who's making some very hurtful choices or she's not emotionally grown enough to be let out alone. You can't have it both ways. If you are truly respecting who she is, a grown adult with the ability to make real decisions, also respect who you are and your own needs to be loved. I'd say there is something about him that she needs, and something about you that she needs, and her indecision is ripping you apart and it's not making the relationship any better at all. I know you love her, but sometimes you can't have it all. No matter how sensitive you are (been there, trust me).Go to counseling. See if it helps. Set a time limit. If she won't go, start walking. Don't argue. Just start walking. If she does, and things don't turn around quickly, start walking. Do it before your love twists into something dark that might potentially damage you or her. Sometimes real love means leaving people to their choices.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, sparkleworks  +, writes (30 January 2009):
 I debated for a while whether or not to respond to this because my thoughts probably aren't what you want to hear, and your story is heartbreaking enough without adding them.From what you've written you mainly seem confused as to why she won't recognise that this guy is manipulating her, and you pin most of your evidence on the fact that he's encouraging her to come to Rio. Although I definitely agree with you on this, the truth is that she won't ever see this the way that you do because she feels emotionally connected to him and him wanting to see her is completely natural. That's what the 'secret' image you found was all about. So many people these days are having these "emotional affairs" on the internet, and of course it's because of the fantasy factor... you sound like you understand that so I won't elaborate. The problem is that even rational people lose sight of that when they get wrapped up in the 'perfect' person on the other side, and that's when thoughts change to "I'm different from that other girl" as you quoted your girlfriend as saying.I've almost been there myself... thankfully I caught myself before I got too wrapped up, but I see how easy it is to fall into the trap and a lot of people need to learn the hard way. I'm very sorry to have to say that your girlfriend may be one of them.I'm so sorry you had to go through what you did and find out the way you did. You obviously care about your girlfriend a lot and honestly, you've done all the right things. Unfortunately the rest is up to her... horse/water metaphor. I guess the real reason I responded is that I wanted to let you know that I read your story and I really felt for you, and despite the complete crappiness of the situation, I *really* hope it works out for you. You sound like a really good person.Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, cdjudd +, writes (30 January 2009):
Man, this is a definite bad situation. Obviously, there are trust issues, which more then likely will leave you as long as you date her. I have been there, trust me. The other fact is you don't know that she won't do this again. I mean she's flying to Brazil to see a guy, while dating you! I think I would walk away now so you can find someone with respect and tact. This isn't just a little issue, this one you won't fix. Best of luck.
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