A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been going out for 11 months already (14 of this month, which has just passed), and I truly and deeply love her to death. 5 months into our relationship, I moved from Daly City, CA to Tracy, CA and here's where the problem comes in: Lemme just say first off, she is my first gf and I really plan to keep it that way. Well here it is, she doesn't want me talking to girls.. at ALL. I already know how wrong that is, but I really want to make it work. She's already told me of her past experiences and how she just doesn't want to get hurt again, so she doesn't trust me. She thinks I'll end up cheating on her and that I'll automatically start liking the girl I talk to, which is not true by any means. I keep trying to reassure her that I'm not that type of person.. but she doesn't believe me! What am I supposed to do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2008): Wow Man, I totaly feel your pain. My girlfriend is the same way, And I've even tried being completly honest with her and it still doesn't work. I will tell her every single thing about my day down to who said hi to me at work or who came and sat down next to me at lunch and she still doesn't trust me. Yet it's ok for her to have like 50 guy friends and call them and talk to them anytime she wants to. But forget it for me. I can't talk to anyone. And when I tell her I'm having a problem with a girl at my work that is flirting with me and I had to be polite to her and tell her I'm not interested and that I am going to be getting married in a few months she still flips out. She thinks I am going to cheat on her and then second guesses weather or not we should get married. I guess you can't win with girls that are that inscure. Maybe one day she will realizie that I am not going to cheat on her ever and that I never have since I've known her. I guess only time will help. The longer you guys are together the more she will realize that your not going anywhere. Good Luck.
A
male
reader, somewhat_anonymous +, writes (18 August 2007):
You've got a lot of good advice here, however one thing that I think I would like to add is that the more she tries to keep you on this emotional leash, the more she will end up pushing you away. She must understand this. You will suffocate from her jealousy and it will be bound to explode. Before you moved, was it really a problem if you talked to another girl? I'm saying talking, not flirting. If not, it shouldn't change now. What would her reaction be if you tried to impose the same limit on her talking to guys?
Good luck with the distance thing, that is hard enough by itself. She should know that, and know that it is unfair for you to suffer because of another person's actions.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (18 August 2007):
 I guess I can see your point.
I don't think that there is a single thing wrong with having a good cry once in a while, but don't indulge yourself too much - in the grand scheme of things, you are generally pretty lucky - yours is one of distance and lonliness, not health or poverty. I know what you are getting at, that old stereotype about boys not crying is still hanging on isn't it, but if you need a cry every once in a while, it can help - and it releases seratonin - so it does make you feel better. Just as long as you are not moping and isolating yourself because you are missing your girlfriend. You would know if you were depressed? It doesn't sound like you are, you just sound upset and lonely. Do your parents know how much you and your girlfriend miss each other? How far apart are you in distance? Would it be possible to take a train one weekend a month and visit each other? Do you have a camera to be able to see her on-line? Are you getting involved with things at your new school? Are your grades keeping up? I'm probably starting to sound like a parent now, so I'll sign off.
You sound like a very intelligent, emotionally mature young man and I think your girlfriend has very good taste. I'm sorry that it is a tough slog right now and I hope things get better for you in the near future. Take care and let us know how things are going. XXX
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know about the body-language thing.. I've always known about it, and ever since I've moved it has always pained me how I cannot see her body language and make eye contact when talking. I cry at times because of how much I can't take being so far away and not seeing her as often, honestly I could care less what people say about boys and crying, because what they say is bull----. Sometimes the burden feels too great and I wonder if I can even stay strong, my gf often cries because she believes she isn't strong but I keep telling her she is.. she doesn't know that I think this of myself because I hide it from her. And I don't know about letting her see this.. she doesn't know about it and she would think that I think there's something seriously wrong with this relationship, when I don't think that at all. If she saw my question on her she might think a lot of the wrong things like: the problem was so serious that I had to seek help on a website or something.. i don't know if i really should or not because of what she might think about this.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (18 August 2007):
You are brave to take on a long distance thing at your age! The hard thing with texting and phone calls is that you are missing half of the conversation, the body language and eye contact, and you will run into problems with her because of this. Sorry not to have read and missed the locals of you both when I wrote the first time. My husband was in China for the first part of this week and is in now in Canada for the weekend. He has always travelled constantly. We have spent 35 years working, raising kids and living in different countries, and not always the same country at the same time. I should have picked it out in your letter, but I missed it. You should really ask her to read everything that you have written here. You sound like THE most sincere young man. I have to tell you that it will not be easy to say in love in a long distance relationship, but it is possible. After all these years and miles, there is no one that I want to talk to more, everyday, than the man I met when I was 17. You can feel free to contact me if you run into problems, but I will repeat what I said in my first reply.
Get her to read this column. Your words are very sincere and what you have written speaks volumes!
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A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (18 August 2007):
 Its even worse if you're at school???? how the hell are you suppose to not talk to girls.
And the distance thing wasnt too clear to us in the Uk hehe.
But when you say you cant get through to her that you wouldnt hurt her, this is where you need to understand, this girl is extremely insecure & you can say it til you are blue in the face, it wont go in mate.
She needs to get some help with that insecurity, and it wont come from you unfortunately.
This goes back to way before she met you.
Its still not normal & its not a feasable ask. Especially when you are surrounder by females!
C xxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the advice.. I REALLY appreciate it. But did anyone fail to notice that she's far away? She thinks that by talking to other girls casually at school, that I'll get to know them more than I should (according to her), and that I'll automatically start being attracted to them! I love my girlfriend with all my heart, and I would NEVER hurt her in a million years. And it hurts and confuses me that she won't take my word when I say that nothing will happen between me and another girl I happen to be talking to during the day (because we can't see each other during the week because of long distance + school). And I communicate with her TONS, sometimes to the point where I believe it's excessive.. and I reassure her as much as possible, yet she keeps insisting "but I don't wanna get hurt, I don't wanna get hurt". and I completely understand that, and I keep telling her that I would never do such a thing, yet she believes that because of what happened with her previous boyfriends, she can't trust me fully for that reason. and even if I did talk to a girl, it would be only during school time, it isn't as if I'm giving them phone calls, chatting with them for long hours, or anything else like that! And the party thing.. I don't go to parties, I'm not a party person. I think those parties are a waste of time and just trouble waiting to happen. Even If I did go to one, I would never talk to another girl in that way, I'd be there WITH my girlfriend anyways.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2007): It is normal depending on the circumstances. Is she refering to you not talking to a cashier at wal*mart, to say thank you? Or is she refering to say if you're at a beach, you talking to girls on the beach? I wouldn't want my b.f. talking to girls in a way that would make them think he was interested in them, so even if you're at a party, and you start a conversation with another girl, I wouldn't like that if I were her either. And I doubt you'd like it if she were at a party and were talking to other guys, would you? There's not much you can do really, except keep reassuring her. If it gets to the point where it's too much on you, you'll have to tell her you can't deal with her insecurity anymore. But to an extent I think this is normal.
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A
female
reader, Skeez +, writes (17 August 2007):
 Hey hun.
I am exactly the same with my boyfriend. I very much dislike him talking to any other girl..purely becuase Im insecure too just like your girlfriend.
Her past has affected her. whether she was cheated on or whatever. But I still reckon you should be aloweed to talk to girls. Just reasure her that your not going to run off with any other girl that u speak to. Im insecure and every girl my bf talks to I think the exact same thing.
If your around her at the same time you talk to othr girls, put your arm around her and make sure you keep your attention to her at some points. Dont ignore her or otherwise she will get uncomfatable and start worrying again. Tell her that its controlling to tell you what to do. If she doesnt get a grip of herself then maybe you should leave, because you shouldnt be controlled liek that.
Ive learned to accept that my bf talks to other girls. I dnt stop thinking what I do but I do realise tht I cant ever change the fct he tallks to them. and some days im pure fine with it.
But just talk to her even more. giv her attention everytime u talk to anther girl. dont make her feel s thouh shes just a person at the side. Involve her in the convo and im sure she will get better.
good luck
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (17 August 2007):
Hi,
It sounds like you really adore your girlfriend. She sounds very insecure. Having an unreasonable, jealous partner can be extremely hurtful to a man. Most men feel that their word is their bond, and are wounded if they are taken to task and questioned about their sense of loyalty.
Has she gone out with someone else before who broke her heart, or has some man in her life disappointed her? In any case, this entirely about her own self-esteem and has nothing to do with you. You can't fix other people's problems for them, she has to take this one on herself. She is being unreasonable, true, but I'm sure that her it is insecurity that drives her and obviously, she loves you and is scared of losing you. But, no one can expect you to go through life without talking to people of the opposite sex, otherwise the only job that she can expect you to do, eventually, is become a monk. Have you sat her down, in a quiet place with no distractions and plenty of time infront of you, and tried to get to the root of her insecurity? It would be a good place to start. Some tips that you can do that might help? Women are verbal, guys - not so much! You might assume that she knows how you feel, but she needs to hear it. Tell her how you feel about her all the time (until she tells you to knock it off, and she probably won't!). If you do talk to some other girl, don't hide it! She is already suspicious, so don't let her insecurity change your behaviour. If you are with a girl who flirts with you, smile and say wonderful things about your girlfriend - it's important for her to see (or hear second-hand) how you behave in the presence of tempatation. My son is extremely cute and has girls flirting with him all the time - sometimes he shrugs, laughs and walks away and sometimes, if they interrupt, he points out - "Did you happen to notice that I am with my girlfriend here?". His girlfriend does notice how he reacts to the other girls advances (hey, we can be territorial too!), so she appreciates seeing him handle the situation by declaring that they're together. Make grand gestures and talk about your girlfriend to your friends, if she gets positive feedback from other people, she might start to question her own thinking process on this. If you react negatively to this (yelling, telling her she's wrong, stupid), you can count on this spiraling out of control. Don't get me wrong, her behaviour shouldn't control you either, but give out more positive reinforcement instead. If she is as smart as she sounds, she will pick up ALL the messages that your sending at start relaxing. Finally, if she can't get a grip on her jealousy after you have tried talking and demonstrating to her how much you care, you should encourage her to get counceling (there might be some issue you don't know about that you can't help with). I'm sure you be able to know if the relationship is working for you or not by how happy you are in it. I hope things work out for you both.
Consider showing her what you wrote - perhaps she doesn't realize just how unhappy this makes you?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2007): I did the same thing with my boyfriend (now ex), she is very insecure about herself, so try complimenting her about something every now and again (hair, eyes, whatever makes you feel attracted to her). Then sit her down, and tell her that it's not humanly possible and that if she wants the relationship to work she has to trust you. If she refuses, saying she cant be in any relationship, also try communicating with her more, it'll help her out a lot. I told my boyfriend the same, he dealt with it for almost 2 years, but after a while he started losing his love, and respect for himself and me. And broke it off recently. I now know what I had, now that it's too late. If she loves you, she wont let it end over something silly like that. Good luck to you both.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (17 August 2007):
 I'm fully with hlskitten. What if you asked her not to talk to boys, ever?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2007): dump her. seriously. she is insecure, its her problem. do you really think you can go through life without talking to a single girl? think aGAIN
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (17 August 2007):
Hi
This is way too controlling. You have to be able to breathe! Its not fair to judge you on her past guys.
Dont let someone dictate to you who you can and cant talk to. Get a back bone & stand up for yourself.
Its not possible to go through life not talking to any girls ever. And what happens when one of those innocent unavoidable times occur when you speak to a female?
You need to encourage her to get some counselling if you really want this relationship to work without you being locked in the house for the next x number of years.
Your girlfriend needs a blind mute boyfriend. Its not normal.
Good luck.
C xxxxx
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