A
female
age
36-40,
*oldie22
writes:My friends from school (lets call them sarah and matt to make it easier) have been with eachother for 9 years and from what I can see, their relationship is on the rocks. ? sarah confided in me last night that she has stopped taking her contaceptive because she thinks that if she becomes pregnant it will stop matt from leaving her. I told her that I thought she was being selfish and irresponsible to matt and any future child that she would be bringing into a troubled partnership. She's not speaking to me now and matt wants to no why, surprise surprise..... my problem... do I tell him????! i am as close to matt as I am to sarah and I dont no what to do!!! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, answerfromtheheart  +, writes (2 August 2013):
 Hi,
I think it's very important for you to get involved. Doing the right thing is always the right thing, even if it results in loss of a friendship.
This kind of a friend is not worth keeping. True friendship is when your best friend will tell you the painful truth to your face and you love her/him for it. Not get angry and stop talking. That's not friendship.
So you still owe it to your FRIEND Matt, for him to know that he is being batted like a fish with a warm on a hook. Looks sweet until you bite.
Please tell Matt.
Don't hesitate.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2013): Your friend is not speaking to you, so what have you go to lose if you tell Matt? On the long term she will probably be thankful that her baby plan didn't work.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2013): YES you must tell him!! The stakes are so high - his life could be ruined!! And if a child results, that kid's life will be so compromised. Please don't waste another minute, you must tel him.Yes your friend sarah will probably hate you, but it's more important that someone's (her bf's) life doesn't get permanently altered forever. Besides, you are standing up for what's right. tell her, has she ever heard of single moms? yeah right, like getting pregnant NEVER stops a guy from leaving, right? tell her that if her relationship is on the rocks, tricking him into fatherhood is going to be the thing that definitely makes him leave her. or if he stays with her out of obligation, he will hate her and probably end up cheating on her further down the line because of the hate and resentment he feels towards her for ruining his life. Is that what she wants - to "get" the guy but have him be cheating on her because he hates her because he was forced to stay??
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A
male
reader, LivingWithBadDecisions +, writes (31 July 2013):
 tell him NOW before shes like 'hey Im pregnant now deal with it. you were too late!!'
you will probably lose sarah but shes too selfish to be a good mum if shes trying to get pregnant to trap her bf.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2013): Some people here seem to think this is complicated- I 100% agree with the people who say Sarah's ruining 3 lives here- herself, that innocent child with a very unstable and selfish mother, and matt's. Who is that kid going to lean on their whole life? I think your friend has deep seated issues if she's doing this to stop someone leaving her, and that kid is guna have a seriously hard time... So like someone suggested "f*** being politically correct" and tell matt.
He needs to know - by any means possible, and I think the fail safe method is to tell him yourself.
Good luck! X :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): "she thinks that if she becomes pregnant it will stop matt from leaving her."Worst possible reason to conceive a child. Every child deserves to by planned and wanted by BOTH parents. Children are not bargaining chips, possessions, trophies, dolls or weapons, they are human beings. If Sarah is so desperate to hang on to a man that she is willing to stoop so low as to deceive Matt into getting her pregnant by lying (by omission) to him, then she would not be a suitable parent. "do I tell him????! i am as close to matt as I am to sarah and I dont no what to do!!!"Yes, by all means tell Matt ASAP. He deserves the opportunity to control HIS fertility by putting a cap on it or better yet abstaining until he dumps her. No guy should be tricked into fatherhood. Whatever the consequences, you will have saved an innocent child a dysfunctional childhood at the hands of a self-absorbed, irresponsible, manipulative, controlling mother.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (30 July 2013):
One addition (sorry, dear cupid won't let us edit our posts).
- If you threaten Sarah to tell him, there's no way you can trust her to keep her word if she tells you she'll take the pill.
- if you do it in a roundabout way (by telling one of Matt's friends and hoping they'll tell Matt) you have no way of knowing if it'll be effective.
So in short, there is no painless way to do this. Like they say: go big or go home.
As for the person who said it's Matt's responsibility to wear a condom, no it isn't. Not in this case. They both agreed on which contraception to use (the pill in this case) and Sarah is breaking his trust by stopping it without letting him know. She's probably not going to let him know she's pregnant on time for an abortion to be an option either. That's not his fault. If you can't trust your girlfriend on something like this, that's not a relationship at all.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (30 July 2013):
In this case I definitely think you should do something.
Ask yourself what you could live with:
- Keeping your friend's secret and watching the relationship blow up and 3 lives get ruined (including the child)
- Preventing all that and maybe losing said friend.
My best friend was born in a situation like this and her childhood and adolescence have been extremely hard because of it. The relationship between her father and mother never recovered. Her father tried 'doing the right thing' by sticking around but in the end he and the mom couldn't tolerate each other to make it work and he left her. Her mom is bipolar and impulsive as hell and basically messed up her life after the break up.
My friend basically had to raise herself and she had to go to special camps and for a while child services considered putting her in a foster family. Now, this is obviously a worst case scenario, but trust me when I say the mom never thought it would end up like this either.
So yes, fuck being politically correct and tell Matt. In your shoes I wouldn't mind losing a friend like Sarah if she's willing to take away someone's future like that to suit her own selfish, misguided desires. I don't want people like that in my life. And if she hates you for it, so be it. At least you prevented a complete tragedy.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (30 July 2013):
 what about telling your friend sarah that you're contemplating telling matt if she doesn't stop doing that? but that if she stops, you'll never speak a word of it ever again, like it never happened. that way, you're not actually betraying her trust. you're giving her the chance to do what's right without direct interference. and this way, you're still doing right by both of your friends. you're looking out for matt and you're giving her a chance to do what's right without throwing her under the bus.
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female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (30 July 2013):
 Do you know any of Matt's friends? If so, I would broach the subject with one of his friends so that they can have a man-to-man/friend-to-friend conversation about it. Matt definitely needs to know, but I understand you not feeling comfortable telling him directly.
In the meantime, I also suggest getting another female friend or even a relative of Sarah's to talk to her about her choice.
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A
male
reader, mathguy +, writes (30 July 2013):
Don't forget to consider that there are the interests of possibly _three_ other people to consider in this situation. The well-being of a potential child brought into this rocky situation far outweighs the right to privacy of your friend Sarah. Children deserve to born to parents who _both_ want them and can care for them.
You absolutely must tell your friend Matt as soon as you possibly can.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): I wouldn't tell him directly because that is something she told you in confidence. Perhaps you may want to put a so called 'bug in his ear' by having a conversation about men being deceted during sex and you feel how important condoms are. Perhaps you have a brother, friend or cousIn that you could use as an example.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): As a friend in the middle you are best to mind your own business.
Matt has placed the responsibility of contraception on Sarah. So that's his bad. If he has no intention of marrying a woman, and he doesn't want to be a father; or contract an STD, then Matt should be vigilant not to take such risks with any woman.
Sarah has devoted nine years of her life. She knew many years along the way, that Matt never planned to marry her. She probably allowed him to walk all over her.
Women as desperate as she is, often hang on to men; even when there is evidence that he is cheating. So by subtle manipulation, she does whatever it takes to keep a man.
Sarah isn't very smart. She has delayed everything she ever wanted to make Matt happy. Matt has had his fill. He now wants to move on, after he has used her up.
Sarah will learn the hard way, that having babies to keep men doesn't work. Maybe back in the early 19th-20th century when there were shot-gun weddings. You can barely keep a husband; even when he has fathered several children.
Sarah is only fooling herself. In fact, it may only be a dramatization for your benefit. She knows you'll probably warn him. If she wants a baby, she gets all the responsibilities that come with it.
Apparently, having unprotected sex is a risk that Matt is willing to take.
You are best to stay out of it. Keep a neutral-stance; because choosing sides may come back to bite you in the ass.
A good friend keeps her nose out of her best friend's business. Your best position is "to warn Sarah" of the mistake she is making by using motherhood as a way to keep a man. It will not make him love her, nor stay with her. He could disappear and never be seen again.
Just be a good friend and use your influence to stop her from making the mistake. Not turning some guy against her.
In fact, it may already be too late; and you could be giving him a head-start at evading responsibility.
If he plants his seed, he owns the sprout.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): I STRONGLY disagree with Chigirl about "Matt's responsibility to wear a condom". Contraceptive is both parties responsibility but that does not mean it gives one side the right to lie to the other when they are supposed to be in agreement.
Lots of couples AGREE that they BOTH prefer to go without a condom!
I guess if Matt was secretly wanting to get pregnant and making up a story about having had a vasectomy, that would be his GF's problem? She should just mistrust is word anyway because he is a man and its normal to expect him to lie, is that it?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 July 2013):
 This is a hard one. I would tell him that you two had a disagreement about bith-control and leave it at that.
I would honestly find it impossible NOT to tell him. What she is doing isn't right.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (30 July 2013):
that's a really sticky situation. your friend IS being extremely irresponsible, you're absolutely right. you told her the truth - that what she's doing is unfair to matt and to the potential child. and not only that, but to herself. because having a baby together will NOT make him stay. if anything, it may make him leave faster, and then she'll be stuck with a baby and be completely alone. not exactly where she seems to want to be. it will only backfire in her face. good for you for being honest with her.
as for what to do - i'm actually in a fairly similar situation right now, myself, and i've been having a moral dilemma internally about what to do about it. two of my close friends have been together for a long time and one of my friends confided in me that she's been cheating on my other friend. i hate cheating and think it's absolutely dispicable, but my friend choose to trust in me to talk about this. at the same time, i think my other friend absolutely deserves to know. so do i betray my friend who confided in me? or do i betray my other friend who would want to know the truth?
only thing i can say in this situation, is that what would you hope for if the roles were reversed? if you were matt, you would certainly want to know, wouldn't you? i'm not saying one way or the other what you should do. but that's how i'm looking at my situation and that's probably how i'm going to go about it. i'm probably going to tell my friend. it may blow up in my face and i will probably lose at least one of my friends from it. but i believe honesty is the best policy. and if i were in my friends shoes, i certainly would want to know. and i can only hope my friends would do the same for me, too, if that time ever came.
best of luck. let me know how you choose to go about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): If you were Matt, would you want to know?
If Sarah stopped speaking to you because you didn't agree with manipulation SHE CHOSE to share with you, I don't think she's much of a friend anyway. I'd tell him in two seconds, and I'd reconsider friendship with Sarah at all because it's clear she'll go to any length to serve her own interests. What makes you think that personality trait of hers extends only to romantic relationships?
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 July 2013):
 Dont get involved. It is Matts respomsibility to wear a condom. If you want to get involved (and lose a friend), then tell him. But honestly.. This is between them. Id stay out of it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): I think this is quite complex .. Lets begin by saying that 9 years is a long time relationship wise and their sure to have their ups and downs.. As a friend, your there to support listen give your advice to a certain extent but not to interfere .. The last part is extremely difficult ..By saying to matt what Sarah has said might led to an argument and breakup or makeup with you sitting out on the cold .. As you have heard the saying ' don't shot the messenger?' I just want you to realise what could possible happen if you did but by saying that I think the best advice would be to say to Sarah that she needs to say to him as I can agree that pregnancy should be a wanted, not used as emotional leverage .. And if she doesn't I would knowing me have to say something if she wasn't forth coming .. That the best advice I can give .. X
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