A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am really in need of some advice. I recently came out of (8months ago) a 5 year on a off relationship with a man that I believe was a narcissist. I think I was somewhat mentally abused but not exactly certain, I am certain that the relationship took a toll on my heart and emotions. I knew I wanted to start dating again and feel a bit of pressure because of my age. I am also aware that I need to focus on choosing a better mate for the long term and someone that treats me with respect. I met a gentleman in early February of 2013 that I started dating. He is very different then the other men I have dated. We dated very casually and have always kept it simple. We see each other about once a week and go out on fun dates and dinner. He is kind hearted, somewhat quiet, thoughtful, responsible, physically attractive and treats me like a pure gentleman. He is ready to settle down, have a family as am I. The problem is I am not really really excited about him. There is something lacking (possibly chemistry) that I can't figure out. If I had to write down all of the qualities that I am looking for in a mate, he meets them all but there is something not quite there. I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt him and keep hoping something will change. We have been dating for almost 6 months and have only kissed (kind of strange). Can chemistry develop? I have decided to go on a vacation with him for the weekend and I am hoping to get some clarity. Any suggestions? He almost seems awkward around me at times...at first I thought he was nervous but it's been so long now. I don't want to waste mine or his time, we are getting older. Help! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2013): Chemistry only develops if the people are still unknown to each other and learning more about each other and discovering things they like about each other. If you've been dating exclusively for 6 months then you know him pretty well. If you don't feel chemistry now it is unlikely you ever will. Don't settle for him, he wont be happy either. Just consider this a good transition out of your previous horrible relationship. Better to hurt him now at 6 months than further down the road after he has invested even more into the relationship. Just tell him you have realized you still are not ready for another relationship but would like to be friends.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): Love is hit or miss. It's both simple and yet complicated.
You appreciate this gentlemen for his attractiveness and good qualities. He is everything you want in a man, yet you feel nothing for him. That means he is a great catch; but maybe not the one for you. However; there is no rush. Take your time to introspect.
Just remember, people aren't a commodity that you hold on to, with the hope at some point it will gain some value to you. Either you care for him, or you don't. Leading him on is both unfair and selfish. So be very mindful of his feelings.
You might be keeping him from finding someone who may care for him for all the right reasons and in the right way. So give this some very serious thought and consideration. You are screwing around with someone's heart.
You're sitting around waiting for yourself to feel something for him. Really???
I always recommend people to slow down to see what develops over time; so they don't get ahead of their feelings. Sometimes we feel a fondness, but it isn't love.
In your case, you feel nothing. Not even a twinge?
Perhaps that means he's only a great date. He's likeable, but you don't feel any romantic, or sexual, attraction for the man?
Trust me, you'd know by now. The danger is, he may be developing feelings and you're not.
There has to be an emotional foundation to build upon. You should have been attracted to him from the start. It would have grown to something by now. Having the attributes you like doesn't make you fall in love with him.
Are you really that mechanical in your approach to love?
I'll venture this. Maybe your feelings are arrested out of fear. Maybe you're just not quite over your previous relationship, and feeling that characteristic "numbness;" because to fall in love again, means to take the risks that could lead to being hurt again. You may not be totally over your ex; and subconsciously feel it's cheating to allow yourself to care for another man.
When my partner passed away, I waited a year before I started dating. I met a lot of interesting and very attractive men. They did everything they could to impress me, and to get some emotional response; or interest out of me.
I didn't feel anything. I liked them. I had a good time. We had wonderful sex. I just needed someone to fill in the loneliness; but I wouldn't allow myself to reciprocate affection. I just couldn't make an emotional connection.
Can you relate to this?
It may be too soon for you. So, you must let him know that you care for him; but you're not sure at this point how.
My advice is to let go of your ex. Let down your shields and defenses, allow yourself to heal. Let him in(the new guy). You have to take a risk.
Love is a risk, but you'll never find it if you shut yourself off. Your ex doesn't own your heart. He only took a little piece that will grow back. Maybe you found someone who can fill that little hole he left; if you would only give yourself a chance.
Think about what I've said and tell me what you think.
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