A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:A friend of mine recently got very angry with me, without me understanding why. I was wondering if you could help me with this.I had become quite sick, and wasn't getting any better. I was talking to my friend that Saturday, and she asked me how I was. I told her I might go to the emergency doctor, because it was the weekend, so couldn't go see my regular doctor. Waiting hours are looong at the emergency doctor, and she offered to come and keep me company. I thanked her, and told her I'd let her know if I was going the day after or not. During that evening and night I got worse, so Sunday morning I called the emergency doctors and asked if I should come see them. They told me to go to the emergency room at the hospital due to my illness. I texted my friend and told her where I was going to go, and asked if she would come too. She asked if I would meet her somewhere first, but I said I was too ill, and would just have to meet her there. I then asked if she could go to the shop for me to buy menstrual pads, some yoghurt and juice. I hadn't been able to go to the store, I hadn't even eaten in two days, because I was that ill. I had my period and diarrhea, so you can understand why I would need pads... I told her all of this, so she knew how my condition was. I had thrown up, I had a cold on top of everything too. Just saying, so you get the picture.She then texted that no stores were open at this hour, but that she'd see what she could do. I thanked her. I suggested a few stores-names I know that are open on Sundays. Don't know if this is why she got mad at me? I said "thank you" to her in every single text.When I arrived at the hospital I just got a text from her saying that she had decided not to come after all, because she was so pissed off at me for the way I treated her, and she wouldn't tolerate this behaviour from me. She wrote that she didn't want to sit there with me when she was so annoyed with me. I don't really know what to think of this? For the record, I had to stay at the hospital for three days due to my illness. She didn't text me to hear how I was doing, and I didn't feel like texting her either at the time... Now I'm doing better, I'm out of the hospital. A common friend of ours has asked us both to come to a party, so I am probably going to meet her again. I just don't know why she got that angry, and what should I do? I felt really hurt that she just ditched me like that, and would like to know if I missed something, or if she's the one with a problem.
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male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (25 May 2014):
 This is getting a little silly now. It seems the original point has been lost.
OP the only way to solve this issue it to talk to your friend after the exam and ask her calmly and respectfully why she was mad at you. Maybe then you can both learn form any mistakes and hopefully put this incident behind you.
Mark
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous poster, are you really blaming me for the nurse helping me? For your information the doctors at the hospital were the ones who suggested a nurse help me, and then I asked later on if it could be done and a nurse had time to do it so he went with me.
It doesn't concern the topic at all, yet you're so interested in this? I don't see why it matters. So nurses where you live can't do this without risking their jobs, but obviously it's not the same here, or he wouldn't have helped me. I don't know what else to tell you, and I don't think it's relevant to my original question at all.
" You were obviously quite able to REPLACE her at short notice. "
You can't have read the question... The nurse helped me when I was good to go out of the hospital, three days after my friend ditched me. How is that me replacing her at short notice?
Thanks to everyone for their answers, but I think I am done answering questions that are not relevant to my original question just so random people can sit and judge on whether I was sick enough or not to need help. When they placed me in hospital and had a nurse help me with shopping, it really should say it all on how my condition was. If you don't trust that the doctors know what they are doing then that's not my problem.
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reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (25 May 2014):
 The only thing you missed was having a true friend beside you in your hour of need… You thought you had friend, someone you could call and rely on…
At first she offered to come and keep you company, then revoked it as soon as you asked for a little bit more of her help! Obviously this tested her and I can only say; she is limited in her capacity as a friend to go and do the extras and take your condition into consideration to be compassionate or understanding…
I see no reason other than she is a ‘fair weather friend’ to begin with, to be pissed off on this occasion.
It is unfortunate that this had occurred in your time of need and that she didn’t find it in herself to call/text you to hear how you were going. That in itself is a selfish person not worth paining yourself over.
When you see her at the party, be sure to tell her you are better now for knowing who your true friends are.
Take Care – CAA
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2014): OP thanks for answering my questions about sharing a taxi etc, but the nurse shopping for you I don't get. When I nurse and see very ill old frail patients who are discharged to cold empty houses,no fresh food or milk for Tea because they have been in hospital for so long...and need an ambulance to take them home because they can not walk. I can not go shopping for or with them as much as I would love to. Sure they may have care set in place and the OT'S arrange home visits before discharge, but you a young lady who had a period and diarrhea NEEDS a nurse to go food shopping for you.How did you manage that and was'nt the nurse putting her job at risk handling a patients money?I will suggest that you could have had an online home delivery of groceries dropped at your door rather than asking a nurse to get shopping for you.Sorry but although some people are quick to blame the 'unworthy selfish friend' maybe she just had to for the very first time BE A LITTLE SELFISH. You were obviously quite able to REPLACE her at short notice. The conversation may sound silly to some that's because they only look at one side of the story and believe that only one side has feelings. If we are asked a question we need to consider all sides and not automaticly validate and confirm the belief system of somebody who already has their mind made up AND WHO MAY ACTUALLY HAVE FAULTS ASWELL.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2014): This answer was bang on! - you were just plain impudent "I don't think that she thought u were asking her for stuff you could get yourself I think it was more that after shed agreed to do it nad said "ill see what I can do" instead of thank you I really appreciate that you went straight on to pester her "ok u can get it there there and there" instead of being patient and kind about it. I know you were ill but manners are still important"
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlright, seems the questions about details wont ever stop. So here's to the anonymous poster:
"How did you KNOW that the hospital cafe was closed and what the vending machines stock contents were or were not?"
I know because I've worked at a hospital, and because I've been to an ER before. This particular one I hadn't been to before, so I didn't know what would be there, but it was extremely unlikely that they would have those things there.
In Norway, local stores are plentiful. My friend undoubtedly lives within walking distance of one store or two. She was going to see me anyway, I didn't think that dropping by a store would be a big deal. I didn't know she didn't have those stores nearby that are open on Sundays, and after she told me she didn't have them I didn't push the matter and just said thank you to her.
"If there are no vending machines and no cafe's open on a sunday what do the staff do for their lunch breaks, coffee breaks?" Normally they bring their own. Some times they steal food that's meant for patients (I worked at the hospital kitchen, thats how I know this). Only doctors who are on full day shifts (12 hours) get provided with food from the hospital kitchen. Of course patients get food from the hospital kitchen, but the rest of the staff need to bring their own from home.
"You say you even got a nurse to help you do some shopping? how?" I was in the hospital Sunday, Monday and on Tuesday evening I was allowed to go home. On Tuesdays the stores are open, and a nurse was kind enough to go to the nearby store with me (that is outside of the hospital, and this is the second hospital I was sent to, not the one where I was in the ER...)
"You say you did'nt expect to stay in hospital and thought they would send you home with medcine, so why on earth did you get your friend to go to all that bother and bring these items to the hospital. She could have got them later on and brought them to your house." Because that would have been a major inconvenience for her. First she would have had to meet me at the ER, and then wait with me there, and then waited until I was done with the doctors, and then follow me home, and then go shopping, and then go home to herself? It is much more convenient if she picked the items up on her way to meet me, and then when I went to see the doctor she could have just gone home.
Why didn't I share a taxi with her? Because she doesn't live near me, and the hospital is around midway of where we both live.
And to CindyCares, I appreciate your explanation, but you were putting words in my mouth, telling me that I expected her to show up with items that I thought I "should" have, for example. "The problem is , that you feel you SHOULD not have done without " That wasn't my problem. I didn't have such a problem. So that is twisting it around.
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reader, maisy1 +, writes (25 May 2014):
OP tell us about your friends exam you mentioned. Could they exam be the reason for your friend over reacting?
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 May 2014):
 What is getting ridicolous in this debate is also the smug self righteousness and misinformation of some responders.
(Btw, a parenthesis, just for interest - ask any doctor and they will tell you that orange juice is actually BAD for diarrhea, same as tomato or apple juice, Colas, coffee and alcohol. Ditto for yoghurt, which is excellent consumed AFTER an episode to rebalance the depleted bacterial flora, but DURING an episode could even make it worse, like all dairy products ).
Anyway, obviously my point wasn't, and isn't , WHAT the OP wanted . She is obviously free to chose whatever she would like to have with her in the E.R., from a carton of OJ to a pair of woollen socks to a mink stole.
My point was simply, once again, that once she is in an E.R. she has got everything she NEEDS for her health and safety during the few hours ( or minutes, like in her case ) before the visit. The same might not be true for all her WANTS - although, IMO, in most cases, when there's a will there is a way - and assuming that a friend will just bend over backwards to get your optional WANTS , may lead to disappointments and misunderstandings. Some will do it enthusiastically , some will do it unenthusiastically, and some will actually think that you are overstepping boundaries and being pushy.
" More importantly, YOU think she was petty and rude. That's all it matters here "
So, since apparently petty and rude is a personal, individual, unchallengeable definition,.. what about the other girl's definition ? What about if ( IF ) she felt the same ( although due to the limitations of text communication ) ? Or is it only the OP who has the right to think somebody is rude ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2014): I'm going to try to get the answers back on track!The problem that we face is that, as ever, we only have one side of the story. The only person who knows what was going through your friend's mind, is your friend. She is the only person who can help you resolve what happened. I would suggest that you take her up on the offer to talk and don't go in there with the attitude that I'm right and she's wrong. Find somewhere neutral and sit down and work this out, that's if you want to resolve this. It's hard to understand the tone of a text, even harder when it's been translated from its original into English. You don't know what was going on with your friend that night/morning. Has she got problems of her own, is she under a lot of stress? I take it that neither of you have your own transport and have to rely on buses/taxis? It sounds like the ER is quite a journey. Maybe your friend was hoping that you'd pick her up in your taxi. Maybe she's short of money. Maybe she had something else planned that day. What time did you text her on Sunday morning? What time did you stop texting her Saturday night?Try to imagine things from your friend's perspective. Try to see through her eyes. How demanding are you as a friend? You'd been ill for several days, had you been texting her throughout that period? I'm sorry to say that you do come across as quite demanding, but again that may just be me misinterpreting the tone of what you write. Your friend offered to go to hospital with you. She asked to meet up so that you could go together. You told her to make her own way there and could she do some shopping for you on her way? She replies that there are no shops open that early on a Sunday where she lives, you tell her there are and where to find them! When she text you to say that she wasn't coming, did you text back? Did you apologise for coming across as too demanding? Even now when she's offered to put it behind you and move on, you still want to rake it up and presumably want an apology from her!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2014): I completely agree that this discussion is getting ridiculous.
Most ER actually won't give you anything until you are seen as a patient in the er, due to liability issues, suppose they gave a woman who had her period a menstrual pad, or who thought she had her period, and she was actually bleeding for some other reason, they won't take that risk. No one wants to sit in the ER waiting room while they are very ill also worrying about menstrual blood seeping out, while they are vomiting and have diarrhea and so on. Many hospitals actually have no food available at night, no cafeteria open and only a bunch of inedible junk, such as soda and candy in vending machines which wouldn't have been suitable in your condition.
Look, it is VERY clear that this person is NOT a good friend and she is selfish and immature, that is evident from her first response before you asked her to get those items. She wanted you to meet her somewhere that would be more convenient for her. That is ridiculous. I wouldn't ask a friend going to the er, WHO I HAD FIRST OFFERED TO GO ALONG WITH, to meet me anywhere, I would be trying to help them get there in the way that was easiest for them. She was essentially saying: yes I will help you, but only if it is convenient for me. Although it's pretty clear she really didn't want to help you.
I believe someone said in one response that you didn't really need to go to an er, you were only going because the emergent care wasn't open. So now someone is making judgements about how sick you were and so on which is unfair and not accurate also. What I understood from what you wrote was that you were told to go the er because your condition had worsened and then you were admitted for 3 days due to dehydration, which is serious. I have been hospitalized twice in the past 3 years for life threatening events and in the er a few times and I know how stressful this is. People aren't waiting there to give you sanitary pads etc. and whatever you need even if it were normal policy.
You did absolutely nothing wrong here. Don't let anyone make you think you did. It's really up to you to decide how to handle this, if it were a long time friendship which you had invested a lot in and you wanted to salvage it, it might be worth talking to her about this, but if not it might not even be worth wasting any more time on her. As someone else said, she has showed you her true colors.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2014): This whole discussion is getting silly, with people focusing on whether or not there were vending machines in the emergency room rather than whether this girl's behaviour was unacceptable.
Listen, you don't have to justify your feelings or actions to anyone. You were not asking too much. She could have told you she didn't want to come, instead she acted like a selfish little brat and let you down at the last minute. Not cool. If she was a friend she would have gone out of her way for you and if it was such a massive problem for her, she could have brought it up with you tactfully at a more convenient time. She's selfish and a flake and not good enough as a friend.
It was totally fair enough of you to ask her to pick up menstrual pads. Every woman gets caught out at some point, and every woman who can help in that situation should do so. Being on your period and not having a pad or tampon feels horrible, especially if you know you're going to be in a taxi for a while or waiting for 3 hours in the ER. It's uncomfortable and there's a much bigger risk of soaking through if you're stuffing your pants with paper towels. Sometimes no amount of paper is enough. Also, if you're waiting in the emergency room, where all the staff are rushed off their feet, there's not going to be a nurse hanging around waiting to dish out sanitary pads to everyone who needs them.
As for the food. You hadn't eaten for 3 days. Seriously. No one I know would let a "friend" starve like that.
I think she was petty and rude. More importantly, YOU think she was petty and rude. That is all that matters here.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (24 May 2014):
I am not spinning anything. You asked " why ever will my friend have gotten pissed off with me ? " and told us how your convo went, and I offered my guess ,i.e. she got annoyed by your request, which she found inappropriate and demanding both in content and tone.
If you are the kind of person that when a friend asks for blue apples, does not judge if blue apples are necessary - that does not mean that SHE is the same kind of person. Particularly when SHE is the one who's being asked to find and deliver the blue apples.
Are you excluding that your texts may possibily have sounded demanding , therefore a bit annoying, both in content and tune , to anybody in general and to this girl in particular ? .. Fine ( shrug ), then it will surely be something else. Maybe she broke up with her boyfriend. Maybe she is bipolar. Go figure. In fact, do not figure- the only one that can give you the real answer is her, so, if you really want to know why she got mad , you'll have to ask her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question"The problem is , that you feel you SHOULD not have done without and pulled it trough, once you had a friend who could have helped you to get what you wanted. "
No, I don't feel like I "should" anything. But she was going to meet me, and I didn't think anyone would get offended if I asked them to help me get such items when they were going to meet me anyway. She offered to come with me, I didn't ask her. Then I took her up on the offer, still ASKING if she'd join me, not telling her to do so and so. I was always asking, and sending her thank you messages for it too.
If she wouldn't do it, I would have asked someone else to accompany me to the emergency. Simple as that. But she said, two hours in advance, that she would meet me. Then as I arrived at the hospital she sent me a message saying she didn't come after all.
All she would have to do was say "I'm sorry, I wont be able to come with you" and I could have called someone else and it wouldn't have ever been an issue.
Im not annoyed she couldn't get the items, Im surprised she got offended (apparently), and Im disappointed that she would just ditch me rather than tell me in advance so I could have known how she felt and called for someone else to join me, if I needed it. I wouldn't have called anyone to help me, but SHE offered. I was prepared to go alone, without any such items, because yes I do make it without. But when a person say they will help you out, and then just ditch you last minute, I don't think it's acceptable. It's about loyalty.
Im tired of you trying to spin it around as if I demanded anything or felt entitled to anything. I didn't. All she would have needed to do was say no. Going over and over about this with you has just made me more convinced what a petty person she is that couldn't just open her mouth and tell it like it is, rather than fake being a friend and being "supportive" and then ditch me. I gave her the option to say she couldn't make it that morning, because I told her I was going, and she was free to join me if she wanted. I asked... because she had offered. She told me to let her know if I was going!
Yes, there's always a solution for going without things, but it is completely besides the point. I told you why I asked for these items, because people seemed to want to know. Not because I think it is of any matter what I asked for. If a friend of mine is sick and ask me for blue apples, I don't sit there and judge whether or not I think the person is sick enough to need these items.
And when she said it was difficult to get the items and we should just go to the hospital, I didn't argue it, I said "yes, thank you so much". Is there a demand in that??
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (24 May 2014):
No, I understood ( I have been in Norway too, although never as a patient of a hospital ) . You went to the E.R. at the hospital - an E.R. which belongs to an hospital. You were not an in-patient, so they obviously won't have given you a hospital gown, sheets, your own bed and what have you.
But an E.R. is equipped, and committed, to help you in emergencies with what they have available. . If you need gauze , cotton, band aids, a towel , a paper sheet to wipe a wound, a glass of water , painkillers , tissues, etc.etc. even while you wait, .... you don't need to be an in- patient for that. You just ask . If they don't have sanitary pads at ready , and no nurses to go get them for you, sorry I do not believe that any E.R. in the world will refuse a big wad of cotton to a menstruating girl. Common practice , or uncommon practice . Nobody would do that. There's no shame in menstruating . And you pay hefty taxes for that big wad of cotton or sanitary pad - no matter what the "common policies " of the hospital say. You are not shy in asking friends, so don't be shy in asking for what you paid with your hard earned tax money.
Oh... so there IS a cafeteria. Good : I feel reassured, you never know I should end up in a Norwegian hospital :). As a matter of fact, I WOULD have two or three possible different solutions to the problem of how you could have git your food, but I'll skip them on purpose - I really don't want to get contentious or polemical, probably you would not approve my suggestions or think them feasible, and we'd drag on a tedious, pointless debate.
My point is simply : there's anyway ALWAYS a solution for when you want something but you have trouble getting it : you do WITHOUT. As you did, actually, with apparently no physical or psychological damage. You pulled it through somehow.
The problem is , that you feel you SHOULD not have done without and pulled it trough, once you had a friend who could have helped you to get what you wanted.
While your friend ( probably ,at least - remember, I don't really know, I am just guessing !) feels that her offer of help does not cover, and should not cover, also helping you have all you want when you want it , even when it's not necessary or urgent or mandatory; and / or be made responsible for what she may perceive as insufficient planning or poor organizational skills.
There are two different school of thoughts at play, concerning the meaning and the extent of " help " and " friendship " and " selfishness ", and what is legitimate, or less so , to ask or expect from friend.
I hope that you and your friend may find a common ground, - or simply agree to disagree. I suspect that it won't be that easy , and that you may need a kind of friend who's more in tune with your expectations . But I hope that if you decide you can't see eye to eye, you 'll terminate the friendship without anger , bitterness, or self-righteousness, because, as some posters have noticed, both positions have their own merits , validity and explanations rationally, and what one chooses it's just a matter of individual personality.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2014): 3RD time lucky.How did you KNOW that the hospital cafe was closed and what the vending machines stock contents were or were not?You asked your friend to get these items BEFORE going to the hospital so how could you know that they did NOT have these items?I work in a hospital in the uk and it is very well prepared for patients, visitors and staff regarding basic needs. If there are no vending machines and no cafe's open on a sunday what do the staff do for their lunch breaks, coffee breaks? and what about the night shift staff? what do patients do? You say you even got a nurse to help you do some shopping? how? online? going to the shop? buying from the canteen? even old people in our hospital don't get help with their shopping from nursing staff....strange hospital or should I say two strange hospitals.You say you did'nt expect to stay in hospital and thought they would send you home with medcine, so why on earth did you get your friend to go to all that bother and bring these items to the hospital. She could have got them later on and brought them to your house. Why did you not offer to share the taxi with her, so she never had to catch the bus?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCindyCares, there is a difference between being in the hospital and being in the emergency room. I need to stress this (I thought it was normal, but I guess I am wrong since you dont understand): the emergency room and the hospital are two different units. And appearing in the emergency room does not immediately make me a patient at the hospital. Of course for people who are in the hospital they have these things, and once I was in I got pads, trousers, toothbrush etc. I had to ask for all those things, they didn't just give it to me. I also went the first day without any toilet paper, because they repeatedly forgot to bring it to my room.
But when in the emergency room they do not provide people with these things. Just being at the emergency room doesn't mean I am a patient, I needed to get checked up by a doctor first. Maybe it is different in Italy? But just showing up at the doctors doesn't mean you're entitled to everything a patient who is placed in the hospital get.
And no, cafeterias are closed on Sundays, and even if they were open.. how would I get to it? I could barely walk. When I was allowed to go home I needed a nurse to help me do some shopping before I left, so that's how I managed.
And like I said, over and over, there were no vending machines in the emergency room, and even if there were, the only thing they keep in vending machines in Norway are sodas and chocolates. I couldn't eat that, I had problems with my digestion, I had diarrhea, I threw up. I had tried solid foods at home, it just made me worse. I wanted to try yogurt because it is liquid, and it was the only thing I could think of that might stay down.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (24 May 2014):
OP, hoping there is never ever a next time, but : next time, just ASK, they won't give you just one, they'll give you as many as you want and need. It's not uncommon practice, it's an hospital !- what do you think ,that when a female patient gets her period early morning, and visiting hours are in the evening , they just let her bleed 12 hours all over herself before she can ask somebody to come over with pads ?...
Ditto for the food, they may not have vending machines, but they must have made some sort of provisions or canteen or cafeteria or what not, I mean, a friend of mine years ago got sick in Yemen, of all places, they were selling food and drinks at the hospital there . It's just absurd they don't have some sort of structure that can provide a cup of tea and some cookies to , say, people waiting for a relative to come out of an 8- hour operation ? or for a woman who's having a baby and in labour since the day before ? ... maybe it just escaped your notice, you did not see it , did not think of ASKING " how do you get food around here " ? Wasn't on the same floor ? Was not INSIDE the hospital, but right next door ?...... Would that be possible ? ... Pardon the insistence, it has got nothing to do with your question, I am just curious, it's just that everybody always makes a song and a dance about how perfect and wonderful is the public health service in Scandinavian countries, ... and now it comes out that one has to bring food from home to the hospitals ? Amazing.
Anyway, now that I think of it ( slaps her forehead ), maybe unwillingly your friend did you a favour.
People generally do not eat at the E.R. before being visited. Because they may have to perform blood tests on you - if you have just eaten , or drank sugary drinks, that may affect the results, so they make you wait a couple of hours. Probably the reason why you got your blood test as soon as your turn came up was because you were on an empty stomach . So, there's a silver lining in the cloud, at least.
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reader, Mark1978 +, writes (24 May 2014):
OP If your friend has exams then maybe she was stressed about the exams and her studies and, in the nicest possible sense, your request for her help came at the wrong time. If she was studying hard and getting frustrated by being unable to fully understand some aspect of her studies for example, or feeling she had not left enough time to study fully, and you rang asking her to give up her time, she may have felt overwhelmed.
I agree with the comments that friends should help each other, but its often the way that a friend wants our help at the worst possible time. Maybe she felt, rightly or wrongly, that in the days before going to the emergency room that you should have been better prepared? She may have thought that as you had been ill for a few days, or at least the day before, that maybe it would have been a good idea to make up a bottle of something to drink and something to eat in preparation for the long wait you were expecting?
You say you don't know when her exams are but perhaps that's part of a bigger picture? She may well be up to her eyeballs with studies and facing a big, stressful, important exam but you are not aware of her situation. Perhaps she felt you were asking her to give up her time and efforts without thinking of the possible consequences for her? I appreciate you were going to hospital but perhaps she thought your condition was not one that really needed a trip to an emergency room and felt, rightly or wrongly, that you had over reacted?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess Norwegians aren't that crazy about vending machines? There wasn't any at the hospital. I used to work at a hospital as well, some years ago, and the only vending machine I ever saw there was one to buy sodas. I think there were three vending machines that sold sodas in that entire hospital, in a city with a population of 70 000.
I also thought they wouldn't put me in hospital, but just give me medicine or a prescription and send me back home. I guess I could have asked for a pad from the nurse, but I don't know if she'd have given me any. It's not common practice to do that. Besides, I needed more than one pad, I needed several, especially if I was going to be sent back home.
That friend (or former friend) texted me today. We haven't spoken in two weeks time. She asked to meet her and some other friend of ours, and that she wanted to put this whole thing behind us and be friends again. I said I would need to talk to her about why she acted the way she did, if she wants to be friends again. I would need an explanation. She said we can talk, but not now, because she has exams, so after her exam (don't know when that is). So I will just leave it at that and see if she contacts me again and hear what she has to say.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2014): The best time to address an issue you have with a friend? Any time that's NOT when that friend is so ill that they have to go to the emergency room.
She's unreliable and when you really needs her she's not there for you because SHE feels put out. What more do you need to know? She showed her true colours, and I would not go out of my way to speak to her. If you do run into her, you could try to tell her that you didn't mean to make her feel used but that you were hurt by her reaction. But like you say yourself, do you really want someone like that as a friend?
I personally have a few close friends who, I know without a shadow of a doubt, would drop everything and come with me even if I had something very minor and just wanted some company, and for them I would do the same. I would be in one of those shops buying pads and yogurt and flowers before they'd even had to ask.
Then I know other people who don't contact me unless they need something. If one of them asked me to come with them I would go, but I would be annoyed if they asked me to go out of my way to get them things. I would still do it though, without whinging or acting like I'd been wronged. Once I knew the person was going to be fine, I would cut them out of my life.
In your situation, I don't know what kind of friendship you had/have with this girl but either way there was no excuse for the way she replied. Even if she thought you were being totally unreasonable, she dealt with it in a horrible way at a horrible time. The people who are calling her selfish ARE right. She defines selfishness. She could have bought you what you wanted, gone there with you, waited until you were no longer ill and then told you that she felt that you were taking advantage of her.
By the way, what kind of hospital does not sell basic food items? Even the tiny hospital in my town of 6000 has vending machines.
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reader, llifton  +, writes (24 May 2014):
 I do see the perspective cindycares is coming from. I think she makes very valid points. However, I truthfully don't believe you've done anything wrong here. If a friend of mine is sick, and they ask me to run to the store for them to get things they need for their health because they're too sick to get it themselves, I can't imagine reacting the way your friend did. To me, that is the epitome of selfish. It's placing your own personal convenience over a friend in need of help. And I agree with you - she must have had a very poor view of you as a person if she believed you were just asking for things you didn't need. I agree with what youwish said - that it sounds as if she just offered to go to the hospital with you to seem like a good friend, not expecting you to actually take her up on the offer. And when you did, she didn't feel like being inconvenienced, and pawned the blame off on you for her not coming.
Friends don't/shouldn't treat each other like that. My friends would drop everything if I ever asked them for anything like that and they know good and well that I'd do the exact same thing for them. That's what friends are for! I don't believe you overstepped your bounds in any way. If someone believes that asking for juice and nourishment is too much when that person hasn't eaten or drank anything in days, then they don't have a clue what true friends are for. You were sick and needed help. Nothing wrong with that at all. If you can't rely on your friends when you need them, I say they aren't very good friends.
Anyway, glad you're feeling better.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (24 May 2014):
OP, not to be contentious, but, you don't need to BUY sanitary pads in a hospital ( Although they general have a pharmacy right by , or on the premises ). It's a hospital - You just ask the nurses !, they are fully prepared for this kind of needs. Worst case scenario, they've got packs of cotton aplenty !
As for the food, OP, are you telling me there's no possibility to get any refreshents in a Norway hospital ?! that's amazing. I can imagine that they may not have the specific juice that you want, or the specific food that you want,... but all the hospitals in Europe ( including not- so- rich countries like Hungary, Croatia and Greece ) have vending machines AND some sort of facilities , coffee shops or similar , to get " something " to eat and drink... it's very common that patients or visitors may need that, so it's planned for.
Anyway, again, the worst that could happen was that you had to skip your refreshemnts : maybe your friend did not think it would be such a hardship to bear. ( At least you would not have gone dehydrated, there's plenty of water fountains in hospitals ).
Sorry OP, it's not that I want your friend to be right, - personally if I had been your friend, I would have tried to bring you what you asked, ... plus something to read ( very useful for hospital's waiting rooms ). Just saying, do not assume that if a person volunteers to do X, then "naturally " they'll also take upon theirselves to do X plus more. For all you know, doing X already costs them quite some effort- it's up to them to decide if they are up to do something extra, it's nice if they do but it's OK if they don't. So if they get the impression you are taking the extra for granted, as your due, then there may be problems as it happened this time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2014): I don't think that she thought u were asking her for stuff you could get yourself I think it was more that after shed agreed to do it nad said "ill see what I can do" instead of thank you I really appreciate that you went straight on to pester her "ok u can get it there there and there" instead of being patient and kind about it. I know you were ill but manners are still important
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to tell you that these items can not be purchased at the hospital... Of course if I could have gotten them at the hospital why would I have needed to ask her to get them for me? It doesn't make sense.
I guess I can see how she misunderstood it, but in order to confuse me asking for help with me demanding she did my shopping.. well she'd need to have a very negative view on who I am as a person.
Typical waiting hours is around 3 hours. That's why I asked for the yogurt and juice, I thought I should try to eat something and drink something so I wouldn't pass out. As for the pads.. well, I was walking around with paper in my trousers. Its not like I would ask her to buy me things I didn't actually need, but I guess that's what she thought I did. And in that case, she must have a very poor view on me as a person.
Im not sure I want such a person as a friend. Thank you everyone for your help and clarifications!
Also, if anyone is interested, I was lucky and didn't have to wait 3 hours for the doctor. I got sent to a different emergency room with less people, and the doctor was efficient and has a blood test done quickly. This was also a sudden illness, not something chronically. I just had to wait for around 45 minutes before they sent me off to another hospital (they thought about sending me in an ambulance, but I said I could manage a taxi). Then very shortly after arriving at the second hospital I got fluids intravenously, and that helped a lot. I have now fully recovered, thank you.
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reader, Elydiese +, writes (24 May 2014):
I'm sorry but i have to agree with everything CindyCares wrote. Again i'd suggest actually talking to her, not through text but face to face to get it sorted but if i was going out of my way to go to the hospital as a friend in need and then got asked to do your shopping when all of those are readily available at the hospital i'd have been a bit pissed off too. I wouldnt have gone about it the way she did, i'd probably have called to say to you it wouldnt have been viable to pick up the items for you but would still come along to make sure you were ok. I think there was wrong on both parts.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (24 May 2014):
I think I understand the logic behind your friend's reaction, and before everybody hates me, note I did not say that I would do the same, or that she did right- just that I think I know where her stroppiness came from.
She felt like you were crossing boundaries - like she was offering a finger and you were trying to take an arm.
A bit like , say, a friend offering you to watch your kid for an hour or two, and you say " Great ,thanks- and in the menatime, since you are at it anyway, you can also clip his toenails,straighten up his room, and take him to the barber for a haircut ". The friend goes : oh really-... anything else please ?
Let's see. From her point of view : It's Sunday morning. Rather than sleeping in and taking her leisurely time to get dressed and everything, she is meeting you at the hospital, and for doing that she already has to catch a 9 .15 bus, so she needs to step on it compared to her usual schedule. Which is fine because she volunteered. But then, you also literally ask her to go out of her way to run errands for you. Maybe the shops you mention aren't just close to the bus stop, she'd have to take a detour and rush even more to catch the bus, and anyway by suggesting two different shops you imply that she NEEDS to show up with the requested items. Why ?!
Aren't you going to the hospital , .. and prepared to a longish wait ? Haven't they got vending machines at the hospital ?, or a caffetteria / snack bar or something ?, Can't you get your juice there ? Or, - if you really have to do without, - would that be so vital ? Is the focus on getting you checked up , and /or admitted to the hospital , or on letting you have your usual Sunday breakfast ?...
Remember , she knows you are feeling very sick, but she also knows that you are going to the E.R. because your regular doctors is closed, not because of a sudden accident, you are not bleeding, having a broken bone, suffocating. It's a sort of " planned emergency ", - you feel sick but, for all she knows, it does not sound fatal, drop-everything-you-are-doing serious. You are texting, calling a cab,the very fact you are worrying about comfort goods would sound like you are still in decent shape and the goodies you ask are a want, not a need.
She's fine with , say, leaving home at 8 pm on a Sunday morning to accompany you to the hospital ( important ), but not with leaving at 7 for getting you O.J. ( not important ).
Now, I would recommend the posters to go easy with " she's selfish, she is mean, she's a bitch " . Sure she does not sound like the type who would overextend herself or make cartwheels for a friend, - then again, one could easily argue that also wanting that somebody should run around town on a Sunday morning to get you O.J., is a bit selfish too. It's not an urgent medical supply, it's not painkillers for an intolerable pain, it's something that , for once, you can do without .
In other words,... a good friend is someone who is ready to inconvenience herself for her friends- but ,ALSO, a good friend is someone who would not inconvenience her friends if not strictly necessary.
She felt you acted entitled, and she resented that.
Now, you'll tell me that the other friend offered to bring you home stuff when you came back from the hospital- sure, but , first , SHE volunteered , it's not like she got stuck with a list of demands, second, I bet she is doing it in her own time and possibility, she won't be skipping work, or getting up at daylight to bring you groceries .
It's " normal " to help your friends ?- yes it's normal for most of us, but... it's a grey area , it depends from what " normal " means for us. For instance I am more generous and cooperative than your friend - I promise ! -, yet tbh I too would not find " normal " if I should have to make a mad dash to buy you sanitary pads when you can get as many you want from the hospital.
Anyway - I think this is mostly a misunderstanding due , once again, to communication via text. You could not convey how really sick you felt and really thirsty and in urgent NEED of those items, etc., and she could not covey that maybe she was already making an effort and overcommiting her time by coming with you to the hospital and she could not do more.... I think that if you had talked , this would not have happened, voice and verbal cues say a lot , without them the written word somehow has a way to get all twisted around.
Mind you, of course this is just my GUESS, like other posters have submitted other guesses, but this is just imagination, we can't really know for sure what went through her mind. The only one who knows for sure is your friend. So I too recommend you to speak with her when you feel better. If so far you have been good friends and tis is the first rift between you- why not just simply telling her " Look, you got mad when I got into the hospital, and for the life of me I can't see why. Would you please explain me, so , if apologies are in order, I'll offer them, - and viceversa, and we can clear the air once for all ".
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reader, llifton +, writes (24 May 2014):
Just from what you posted, I haven't the slightest clue what she could possibly be mad about? Of course, there are always two sides to every story. However, like I said, from your account, it sounds as though you did nothing wrong.
I would simply ask her why she was so upset and just hear what she has to say and try to take it into account. If she can't be adult enough to respond rationally and calmly, I'd just forget about it and let her be a big baby.
She doesn't sound like a very good friend. At least not from what you've stated here.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (24 May 2014):
 You know...
I read this at first and was scratching my head along with everyone else, and when I read your follow up, I think I might have figured out what happened. Mind you, this is my theory based on the info I see in front of me in the post and follow-up, and could change if there's more context or details I'm not seeing.
Here's what I think happened...
I think it was a smokescreen and she wasn't really that mad, but it was easier for her to manufacture some perceived outrage rather than simply own up to the fact that she didn't feel like helping you. In order for her to not look like the lazy a-hole, she's trying to turn it on you. I'm guessing that between the time you were in the hospital, she'll probably make up more details to make her sound like she's justified in simply not wanting to be bothered by helping a sick friend and spending hours of her weekend in an emergency room.
Either way, she's a crappy friend and not worth neither having, nor chasing after her to find out what you did wrong, because it doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. Sick people who spend days in a hospital aren't in any condition to fulfill social niceties. The very fact that you had another...BETTER...friend jump to your aid is proof of that.
I know that when I've had friends go into the hospital, I'd do anything for them, including spending hours cheering them up if they had the energy for it and wanted company. I've gotten up at 3am to do that when my college roommate collapsed in the shower with appendicitis. I would have chopped down a tree and MADE pads if that's what it took.
I know that if she were any kind of friend, even if there was an issue she was mad at you with, a real friend would have put it on hold until you were better, and then confronted you about it like a mature adult should who respected the friendship enough.
She was lazy and didn't want to be bothered by helping you, and she's a coward because she doesn't even have the guts to look like the jerk she is, but rather try to pin her disgusting behavior on you.
That's the way I see it. She isn't your friend. Do not speak to her and do not chase after her. Let her approach you, and then tell her that with friends like her, who needs enemies?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2014): I don't think you were in the wrong here. She comes across as narcissistic/selfish- her first reply about meeting her somewhere else first when you need to get to the er is the first clue, then abandoning you because she is angry is the next. She offered to help and then backed out in a very nasty way. It sounds like she wanted the situation to be about "her" not you.
Good friends will be there for you in whatever way they can if you need emergency treatment or need help. Obviously she had resentments building up for whatever reasons, real or imaginary. I don't think asking her to pick up a couple of items is asking too much and as she said she could have easily gotten them at the hospital or nearby.
If this is a close friendship that you want to salvage I would discuss it with her in private and see what she has to say but wait until you feel better, don't stress yourself over it. Realize that you have a good friend who was there for you and be there for her when she needs help. I would be inclined to just let it go.
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reader, cattycakes +, writes (24 May 2014):
She does not understand how ill you were, or could not cope. Some old people get treated like that just because they are old. Maybe other friends of hers have been dramatic, so she decided you were being a drama queen. Maybe she thought someone in your family should do this. It would normally be a parent or sibling (I don't know your situation, does she?). I would drop her a note thanking her or what she did do, letting her know what happened, explaining why you asked her in particular and apologising for making a mistake in asking her. Not that I think you did wrong, as I believe you would have helped her as well in return, if she needed you. I just don't think she wanted to have that kind of friendship. The kind where the friend is as close as family and steps in where a family member naturally would. That is you can what she didn't want. Perhaps she was being something else at the time that made it difficult for her and perhaps she felt you took her inconvenience too much for granted. Maybe she did not the responsibility of being your rescuer, just wanted to be a light kind of friend.You can clear it up before the party. No reason to fall out, she just isn't going to be a deep friend. So keep it shallow.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2014): Yeah, this is a strange one. I had something a bit similar happen to me and I am still left trying to figure out exactly what happened.Very generally speaking, I think it will a mix of the following:1. In terms of this incident just on its own a bit of misinterpretation on her part re. your texts ie. thinking you are selfish when you're not.2. Possibly somewhere along the line of your friendship so far, a couple of incidents when your illness has affected how you've behaved and she just hasn't "got it" at all - ie. she's the kind of person that just cannot empathise with the person who is ill - she can't 'go the extra distance' when it comes down to putting someone else's needs first3. Possibly you have actually been self-centred in the past ??? Even minimally??? It can sometimes happen that people who are ill don't realise when they are behaving selfishly.4. Something else entirely (as well as a bit of all of the above) eg. she's frustrated with something in her own life - wants a boyfriend, a better job, more friends, more respect from her family - something totally disconnected from you but which boils down to her wanting MORE of something. Without even realising it, she sees your illness/your needs as stopping her from getting whatever that MORE is. 5. She's just plain selfish.BUT even given that it's probably a mix of the above, I'd be very, very, very careful about how you handle it. If someone can behave like this to someone who is genuinely ill, then they are capable of other 'bad behaviour' eg. spreading rumours, twisting the situation to make it all seem your fault. Don't make the mistake of talking about her behind her back, however tempting, just do not do it. Also, do not make the mistake of being too "understanding" about what she's done because you fear what she may go on to do. Just keep a distance and, if any other friends ask you what happened, you just say "well, I just had to go to hospital and *insert name* found that she wasn't able to help me after all, that's all.But don't let this stop you from asking for help in future and don't allow this to make you feel like you can't assert your needs.At the end of the day, the WAY she's told you about what she thinks is cruel and immature. Even if you had really pissed her off big time, she still could have waited until you'd come out of hospital and then said to you "look, I helped you this time but I have a problem in doing so again because ...and then her explanation". The way that people handle a situation is often far more telling than the position they take, if you see what I mean - okay, so she wanted "out" for whatever reason, and in itself that is her choice, but her way of going about it sucks. Don't fall into the same trap of allowing your approach to match hers. Rise above it. Loyalties change over time, so if you gossip about it now with other friends, you stand to have that turned against you in future.And I hope you get well!!!
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 May 2014):
 I would wait to resolve this until you are feeling better enough to deal with negative feelings.
Her comment about being annoyed by your behavior and your demands suggests she has been forming an opinion about how you were handling things and she didn't tell you until things came to a crisis point for you.
If this was a friendship you wanted to salvage I would probably text back something like "I got your message about how you feel annoyed by my behavior and demands. I guess I don't understand what has happened to make you feel this way, but I would like to speak to you about it to clear things up. I am still recovering from my stay in the hospital though so it may be a bit before I feel strong enough to discuss whatever has upset you. I value our friendship and honestly don't understand what has happened to make you annoyed and upset, so I will just sign off with a request to have some patience and I hope we can get back to being friends very soon.
"With my very best wishes to you" (or however you normally sign off with her)
Perhaps she feels your illness was caused by your action or inaction and she was annoyed that it reached the level of emergency and she just couldn't let that go. Who knows? She does and you can decide for yourself or not if the friendship is worth your trying to communicate more effectively now that you are not ill or in crisis.
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo, this is an isolated incident where I asked her to buy me things. There's only been one other time where I asked her to bring me something, when another friend had borrowed my camera and didn't return it, and she offered (I didn't ask) to get it for me.
Another friend of mine texted me and called me and asked if I needed help, once I was out of the hospital. She offered to go to the store for me and everything, so I think it is normal to do that for your friends.
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reader, Mark1978 +, writes (23 May 2014):
Hi
Can you tell us, is this an isolated incident? By that I mean you visiting the hospital and asking her to get you things? Or is it a regular thing?
If this is an isolated occasion then i'm not sure why she would be so upset about it, but obviously if she feels you might be asking her too often for things then perhaps that could be it?
Mark
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThese are the texts, as directly translated as possible:
me: hi, I am going to the hospital today at 10am. Will you join me?
her: hi, of course, can we meet up somewhere?
me: we have to meet up there, I am not in a condition to take the bus, so I am taking a taxi directly there. Could you do me a favour as well? Buy me pads, yoghurt and juice?
her: I will try to find what you need. But it is Sunday, so I don't know, it is possible I wont find juice.
me: Thank you. I know -insert name of store- is open, some -insert another name, also.
her: I dont have those stores nearby, and no stores are open at this hour. I need to leave early about 9.15 to get to the other bus. I guess I'm awake now. I have pads, (that I had at home) We will have to try and find the rest there. I think the most important thing is to get to the hospital...?
me: yes, thank you so much :)
her: Hi -insert my name- now I have turned around and decided not to come to the hospital. I wont accept the way you treat me. It feels very uncomfortable. I also think it is very wrong to sit there with you, when I know that I am annoyed by your behaviour and your demands. Good luck
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reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (23 May 2014):
 She's the one with the problem. She sounds selfish. This happened to me once, a long time ago. I was sick, and had not eaten in days. I called my friend who lived a couple blocks away from me to see if she could bring me some medicine. She asked me to meet her half way. It was in the middle of winter. I had a high fever and was too weak to get out of bed. I told her I was too sick. She never brought me the medicine. She is no longer my friend. I called my sister, who lived an hour away. She took her boyfriend's car and drove to pick me up so she could bring me back to her home to take care of me.
A true friend does not think of inconveniences or minor irritations when there is an emergency. This person is not a true friend. Go to the party. Hang out with your other friends, and ignore her. You are better off without a selfish person like this in your life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2014): You should ask her to meet up for a coffee and chat and find out.
It wouldn't be good for us to speculate or take sides when we only know your side of the story. I mean it's possible there's part of this that you did kind of mess up but you haven't noticed and not mentioned here because of that.
Instead of the party being the first time you meet her it'd be better to clear the air first and see if there's a need to apologise or explain that she took your intentions and messages wrong or something.
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reader, RevMick +, writes (23 May 2014):
 Hi,
As with everything on this site, we only get one side of the story and based on this I would tend to think your texts possibly came across as a demand rather than 'could you do this as I'm sick.'
So, she saw: "Go to these stores, I know they're open and get me this stuff."
It could be that she didn't really want to see you in such a bad way. I know when relatives of mine have been in hospital it's heart-wrenching to see them look in a bad way.
I would not intentionally go over to your friend, let her come to you if she chooses to. Then you can gauge further.
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