A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok so my situation is this. Im a married man and although I haven't always been happy in my marriage ive always wanted to make it work. Well I had or have this situation going on at work with a coworker or once thought of friend going on. So basically for a good 2 years atleast this female coworker and I would share lunches/txt messages/phone calls outside of work etc..This happened on a consistent basis and at first it was just a friend thing but soon I noticed that I started to develop feelings for her. It didn't help that people at work already assumed something was going on because of how close we were. I mean every day at work we would talk and when I look back on it she basically treated me as if we were in a relationship together at work by not really associating in front of me with other men or if she saw me talking to other women she would kinda give me a look etc..Well one day I made a horribly bad joke about her paying for me a flight to get away from my marital problems at the time. I had no idea the joke would pretty much stunt our friendship or whatever it was at this point. She became furious on the phone because when I asked about the plane ticket she said that she couldn't take any vacation right now. So I was so shocked by her comment that I quickly cleared it up by saying that I just needed 1 ticket and not 2. I know that was a terrible thing to say but im a pretty shy and laid back guy. I had never experienced this type of relationship with another female before outside of marriage so I guess my comments hurt her feelings. Well from then on our lunches and interactions decreased a ton. We would go weeks and sometimes months without going to lunch or a true phone call. I missed her friendship and I felt like I was being treated unfairly so I promised myself to just let things end friendship or not. Well I went out of my way to avoid her and even took assignments away from our normal work place. I was gaining more confidence in my ability to completely free myself from her when I started getting random phone calls from her or she would make sure she showed up where I was at work. I figured that it was a sign that we could become good friends again without the everyday lunches etc..Well as soon as my thinking changed to try and be more available to her she started to distance herself again. She took a few assignments away from our normal work place as well. I thought to myself this must be her way for freeing herself once and for all. Well I reached out a few times on a couple of her assignments and she seemed really happy that I did. I mean one time we video chatted at like 3am for a few hours and the other time we talked for a good 2 hours on the phone. So she is finally back at work now and I figured I would just play things by feel and see how close of a friendship we would have. Well this time when she returned there was a new lady who she started working closely with. Now when I would see her and this lady together it would be as if I was a complete stranger. My feelings were hurt because I was thinking everyone else knows we are good friends but its almost as if she was trying to hide that from the new lady. So again I went on about my way and started to withdraw from her completely. Of course after a few months I received a random phone call asking me why I never called or bothered to come over and talk anymore. I thought this was rather strange of her to ask because I felt like she knew completely why. Well both ladies decided to invite me out for lunch one day and we all had a good time. Im thinking to myself everything is on the up and up and we are all friends. Well not so much so because it went back to me being a complete stranger. If I called and the other lady was around then this lady would completely blow me off as if I was bothering her even if she started before the other lady appeared at her desk that she wasn't very busy. Time would go by and then I would get a random phone call from this lady wanting to talk to me for hours at a time. I played the game of just being her friend only when she wanted me too but eventually I got fed up. Even though I have not spoken with her in awhile now I know there is random phone call or txt message waiting to emerge. How should I handle this situation? I don't want to be rude or mean even though I feel like she has by treating me like she has. We work for a small company and we still have to work with and around each other from time to time. OAnother crazy thing is that other guys at the office approach me to talk about her as if her and I are in legit relationship. This whole thing has become irritating because everyone is under the impression that her and I are involved and its more so the vibe that she gives off when other guys try to approach her. What should I do?
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at work, co-worker, confidence, married man, shy Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (24 May 2014):
 I think your association with this colleague far exceeded the bounds of friendship so I agree that you should accept that it's over and just be professional, but pleasant with the woman.
It's best you not discuss marital issues with female friends and colleagues regardless of how benign your feelings toward them may be. As mentioned, and as you're seeing for yourself, it encourages inappropriate and unhelpful attachments, it undermines your wife's trust and it's often seen as grooming a woman for an affair.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2014): You are having an emotional affair not a friendship- are you aware of that? I would end anything with the "friend" except for necessary work contact, no phone calls, video chats, texts etc. Tell her you feel it's not appropriate and ask her not to call you and make it clear to everyone at work that you aren't in a relationship with her. You are going to ruin your marriage and your job with this behavior. Get some counseling and talk to your wife, that is the way to solve problems in the marriage, not by chasing another woman and crying to her about the problems in your marriage.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 May 2014):
 You are screwing up your marriage and being disloyal to your wife. What the hell are you thinking?? First of all, you have no business discussing the problems of your marriage to female co-workers, especially if you're developing feelings for them. That's the way husbands who want to cheat start out grooming other women, by vilifying and/or demonizing their wife or the condition of their marriage. Your co-workers aren't therapists, pastors, or guy friends.
You're alienating your affection from your wife by worrying about some co-worker's feelings getting hurt by some joke about plane tickets. You're being disloyal and cheating on her. Your wife's feelings should be miles ahead of your co-worker's.
Seriously, video chatting until 3am?! Talking for hours on the phone? What are you, 15??? What if your wife were doing that with another guy behind your back?? If your marriage truly is rocky, then get your head back in the game and deal with it.
You're screwing your career too with your adolescent behavior. Threatening your livelihood by actions that can get your sued for sexual harassment or fired for unprofessional behavior. If your work mates think you're having an affair on your wife, it's only a matter of time before someone observing the way you carry on gets pissed off and calls or writes your wife telling her you're sleeping around on her. And you're headed that way.
What should you do? WHAT SHOULD YOU DO???? Go home to your wife and take this mistress off of Skype is what you should do. You would be crushed if your wife said the things about you that you have about her. You'd be humiliated if she were spending all sorts of hours with a guy who listens to her. Your blood would boil if she were making eyes towards another man the way you are with this woman at work.
Get your head on straight and deal with your marriage and stop cheating on your wife emotionally. If your marriage is over, END IT and stop grooming this other woman in order to have sex with her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 May 2014):
 I don't think it was that ONE dumb comment that "ruined" the friendship. I think she realized that SHE may have wanted more and that YOU didn't.
So she did the SENSIBLE thing and pulled away. Since you two work together she couldn't do a complete no contact but she dd the best she could think of.
Why she would then start talking to you again is hard to say, maybe to see how she felt about you or because she missed the friendship/you.
In all this what did you wife think of this? I know you very clearly states that the co-worker was a friend, but... it seems you went a little further then friends, maybe not physically, but emotionally?
You treated her like an "office-wife". Which can be quite platonic for some, but not everyone are capable of being platonic with their "office spouse".
If anyone ASKS you about her and YOU - I would politely point out that you are coworkers and friends, nothing more. That you are married, but quite capable of having a female platonic friend.
MAYBE though, she is using YOU as an excuse to NOT date in the office, which I might add... is a smart thing.
As for your "former office wife" I think you need to leave her be, if she calls and want to hang out, chat, be buddy-buddy I'd suggest yo cut it short in a polite manner otherwise you two will go rounds and rounds with her wanting to talk and be friends and her being "mad" at you. Talk about work and that is it. SHE will get the hint.
Be professional above else.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 May 2014):
 I would assume that the friendship as you knew is now dead and that you will have to focus on maintaining a polite but formal work relationship with her.
You can easily handle the other guys in the office by clearing up the impression that you two are involved. She may give off the vibe that she's involved with you to keep other men at bay but that doesn't mean you have to participate in the charade. "Sally? You'll have to speak directly to her, we aren't close any longer. Why? The natural progression of an office friendship sometimes means people drift apart. No hard feelings on my part, it isn't as if we were romantically involved."
Unless of course, you WERE romantically involved with your colleague? In which case, just maintain that you are 'just friendly co-workers and nothing else.'
It's probably best to work out any marital issues you have with someone outside of work, say, a marriage counselor? Perhaps then you won't be so distressed by the natural end of a friendship that wasn't destined to go anywhere anyway?
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