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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi all,Please, I need some advice. I have been in a relationship for 12 years, and am now 28. It has been a mistake from the start, but I did love him. He has spent alot of time critisizing me, bad mouthing my family friends, my ways, and trying to make me something I'm just not. As a result of this, I have seen loads of councellors. He has really knocked my confidence and trust in people, and I'm not sure where my heads at. Over the years, I've cried and begged him to see what he's done to me, but he never did, until a few months ago, when I plucked up the courage to try and finish it. I feel much stronger and am finally making friends and getting a life of my own, as I had only one friend and no job before. But now hes being really nic,e and will not let me end it. This happens alot, when I try to call time on it. He sees I'm hurting him, and I feel guilty that now he's trying. I've become a cold person, and I can't show him any feelings. Do you think the feelings will come back? Please help xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): Sounds like a case of 'too little too late'! He is supposed to try all the time, not just in an emergency ie when you are leaving. You have nothing to feel guilty about. As for whether or not your feelings for him will ever rekindle I don't know. Perhaps you should speak to a relationship therapist to help you come to the right final decision for you and for support when you do decide what to do. The fact that he is trying now that you have said you wanted to leave suggests that whatever he does, he does it for himself. You were so young when you met him and it sounds as though you have put up with a lot. If you feel cold towards him that is a big sign that you have had enough and are ready for a different sort of life with someone who respects and cares for you consistently. Is he likely to change after all this time? Also, he met you when you were a girl and now you have become a woman who sees through him, so he won't ever be able to manipulate you the same as he did when you were 16 (this happened to me actually so I am speaking from experience) and once this transition takes place it does not bode well for the relationship because a man like him won't be able to accept this new lack of control he has over you. What you could do if you cannot leave outright is to suggest a break whilst you go for counselling. Do what YOU want to do though and if you really want to leave then don't let him guilt trip you into staying. Has he actually DONE anything to show that he has changed and will treat you properly? ie like going for counselling or showing that he is genuinely sorry? I suspect not! You could try stepping outside the situation, reading your own question objectively and think about what answer you would give a close friends or sister etc that you really cared about if they were in the situation. Good luck and remember that you do not deserve to be treated badly.
A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (13 February 2008):
 Look at it this way, you have been with him so long, controlling you, you dont know what its like being with someone that you really enjoy spending your time with.
Definately think you need some help with this one, professional help. To give you the strength to stand up to him and stick to it.
Good luck.
C xxxxx
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A
male
reader, Namatjira +, writes (13 February 2008):
Hi,
While he sounds like he is not worth your time, clearly there was a time when you felt he was.
A book that helped me a great deal is called "Emotional Blackmail" by Dr Susan Forward (I think). Look it up on Amazon and you will find it. At the very least it will help you to see and understand the dynamics in the relationship and to recognise how you can change your own point of view and perhaps encourage him to change or to recognise and accept when it is time to get out.
It is a hard decision to end a relationship but one that sometimes must be done to maintain your own health. We cannot tell you precisely what to do but do get and read the book and it should help you to work out your own answers that you can live with.
All the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): hi all, its me, i hope you can be strong and leave, i understand tho its not always that easy and no matter how many people on the outside looking in tell you that the situation is abusive you never seem to see it for yourself, its took 10 years for me to get this far and have to admit am very scared the thing is im not scared of being alone or supporting myself. ur replys have helped me alot thanx xxxxx
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A
female
reader, didapoo  +, writes (13 February 2008):
 I agree about the "living dead". I used to say that i was just an existence, waiting for time to pass. Im done with that now and I am looking for my way out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): I am in the same situation and I describe it as 'living dead' (sorry as this sounds horrible) but you know what I mean - you live with them but you feel dead on the inside. All the care, the bother is gone. They suggest a meal out (on one of the days they are trying harder and are not controlling you or putting your down) and you can no longer be bothered whereas once you would have been delighted to and looked forward to it. There is a reason you no longer have the feelings - because finally you know that it is not acceptable for YOU to go on like this and it is natures way of making you decide to leave. There is happiness out there - make some small steps to go - save financially, research places to stay etc to get confident and then tell him you want a break. Be strong.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (13 February 2008):
 You have fought, struggled and suffered so much heartbreaks and heartaches to to break free from that abusive lifestyle and today you can stand proud of who you are.
Do you want to go back to that hyena's cave?
An abusive man may try to change your mind about your leaving.He will make you feel so guilty that you cannot leave.He makes you think that he has changed into a better person.
Even if you go back to him , in time his real self may manifest again. There is this strong probability .
If he is young, he may learn from his mistakes.But if he is old, he is too warped to change his ways.Like those gnarled roots which cannot be straightened.
Your feelings will not come back for him because nothing will ever grow on that soil again.
The only feelings that won't go away are those wretched memories of what he inflicted on you.
You are the one who really knows him and you will have to decide if you want to give him another kiss of life .
Do you still love him?
Maybe , you may try to separate from him for sometime to see if you can get over him .
Take your time to ponder long and hard.
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A
female
reader, didapoo +, writes (13 February 2008):
WOW! You have just hit it on the head! That is kind of the same situation I have recently found myself in. Like yours, my husband has suddenly tried to make it work, and like you, I have no compassion, I dont look at him the same, I dont have the want to comfort, hold, or show him that I care. After so long of trying and begging him to be in love with me, not who he wants me to be, I am not in love with him anymore. I am getting ready to leave, just waiting on some money for me to go back home where I belong. A friend told me that once you have given up on love with someone, you have lost whatever spark that can fix love. Kinda made me start thinking. He had a point. Hope this helps! Just dont spend your life with someone and lonely, K?Dida
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A
female
reader, sugar_sugar +, writes (13 February 2008):
 What is it you love, if it has been a mistake from the beginning it does not sound like it's worth salvaging.He can say the kind words and do the right things now that he is faced with the dilemma of being alone, but if he really loved you he wouldn't have mistreated you all along.He just wants to control you, and currently sweet talk is the only thing that will allow him to continue doing so.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): hi thanks so much for takin the time to reply, the problem i have is he has spent so much time talking me out of decisions then saying well i thawt ud decided what u were doin that i now am completely incapable of making any decisions at all i feel like a child where do i find the strength to make a decision and know its the rite one? xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): He says that your hurting him????? What about what he has done to you over the last few years?? At last you are listening to you head and not your heart!!Your doing the right thing by finishing with him now. You've already admitted that he has knocked your confidence, that you have only one friend and if you stayed wiht him for much more you would have no one only him - where would you be then!?!?! You haven't become a cold person, your feelings for him have changed thats all and its all for the best even if you don't think so at the moment. You have also changed and matured into a strongeperson and moved on from what you were when you first met. Its not bad - its all good! Look at what you have now compared to what you had when you were with him - you have new friends, job, independance.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (13 February 2008):
Hi
Maybe, maybe not. I was about your age when i fell out of love with my kids dad, had been with him 9 years. But he was a good bloke, so i did try the counselling because i wanted the feelings back again. But the counsellor helped me realise that it wasnt mendable. That was 7 years ago now, and he is settled with someone and happy and we havent looked back. Kids are happy with the way things are.
You need to decide once and for all if you want to stay with him. But all the time he is being manipulative, thats going to be harder. Ive not long come out of an argumentative relationship with a manipulative person that talks you out of decisions you have made, but nothing changes and the problems you have just keep arising. Turned me right off him in the end. I then listened to my mum (shes brilliant) and stuck to my final decision, we stayed mates for a few weeks, which he said he was cool with, but once he realised i wasnt budging and i had stressed i wouldnt get back together, within a week he lost interest. Surprise surprise.
So its decision time for you.
Good luck.
C xxxxx
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 February 2008):
 No I don't think the feelings will come back. He is still trying to manipulate and control you through guilt. Get rid, you'll be far happier. Don't waste anymore time on him.
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