A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I had my boyfriend arrested for domestic violence after he pushed me while he was drunk. We have a no contact order until his court date at the end of April. We also have a 2 year old son.Although he is not supposed to contact me or our son, he posts things on Facebook that I know are meant towards me. He posts about going to AA everyday and Anger Management. He posts about how sorry he is and how he is glad he is finally sober and getting his life in order. My question is: Can an abusive alcoholic change? I love this man with all of my heart, and I now that he knows that he needs help. If he could truly change, I would take him back, but I don't know if he will change.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2011): If he truly changes, he will do it for the benefit of himself, knowing that his behavior is a propensity of hate and anger in a society already filled with too much of both. Be very very wary of just "words". Its time he shows action and he needs to prove that to you vehemently thru counseling without you in his life. He needs to focus on himself first and then a relationship. A relationship and counseling would be a lot of stress for both people and also with a child involved, yes, too much. If you see the good in him and just tell him you support his decision in correcting himself but will not get back together with him for obvious reasons, that should be enough to motivate him to see that he needs to better himself before he can care for those around him. I do believe in change and have seen it in some rather very amazing circumstances but it takes time and extreme patience, especially on your end. Best on this :)
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female
reader, catcher00 +, writes (1 April 2011):
You have not only your safety and well being to consider, but your son's as well. I realize you have the no contact order, but I would not even consider taking an abusive man back based solely on facebook posts. I would actually never take an abusive alcoholic back..but since you're considering it, I guess you are not as strongly against it as I am. So I would advise you to at the very least wait several months for him to rehabilitate and get his life in order. Then maybe try again if you want.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 April 2011):
 People can and do change. if he is in AA and working the 12 steps and has a sponser and can stay clean then I say go for it... but he has to stay clean...
I have a very dear friend just celebrated 15 years clean. getting clean is a life changing event.
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reader, Anonymous1996  +, writes (1 April 2011):
 No one can really tell.
And there is no way to be sure.
Maybe he can change, but then again, maybe he can't.
However you said he was drunk, so because of that, I personally think that you should give him a chance, because alcohol changes people, and if he wouldn't lay a hand on you while you he was sober, then well, that is ok.
But, both of you now need to watch how much he drinks, and maybe even try to have him drink rarely, especially if you may become endangered.
Also, it seems as thought he is really trying, and is making an effort to 'get better', change, and become a better man - all for you.
If you both love each other, i think he deserves a second chance
But, if he ever lays a hand on you again, do not stay with him, as every woman deserves a good man, not someone who abuses them
Hope this helped!!
-Kind regards, Jordyn
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2011): People can and do change all the time, for better or worse. He can too.
Only consider taking him back when he HAS changed, not while he IS changing. When he's been clean, sober and on track for a year or so, then you might want to revisit that decision, but not before. It's not just for yourself, but for your son who relies on you to provide a safe environment for him.
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reader, idoneitagain +, writes (1 April 2011):
It is tricky - on the one hand he has shown that he is serious about trying to overcome alcoholism by being sober for a year. That's not an easy thing to do, it takes a lot of guts and effort to do that. On the other hand, when the going gets tough and you guys start arguing, he has shown he doesn't have the will power under pressure not to stay off the alcohol, and that is a problem. At the moment, he is in jail and under threat of losing you, I am sure he is motivated so there is a good chance he will recover and manage to stay off the alcohol again, as he has done before. The problem will come in 6 months or a year down the line, when life is back to normal and problems start to arise again as they do, the temptation to turn back to alcohol will resurface as the pressures of life build, which they naturally will do from time to time. You need to decide now, whether you are prepared to go down that road again in the future, if it comes up. Neither you nor he can know in the future, if he will be able to succeed then where he has failed now. One thing though, if you take him back easily now, you will send him the message that he can get drunk and abuse you, and after a while you will just take him back. If you do decide to take him back, I wouldn't do it straight away. I would let him know that you can cope without him, and that if you take him back its not because you need him and its not out of weakness, that it is a choice you are making, and if he lets you down again, you can make a different choice in the future if you need to. Good luck.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (1 April 2011):
 Oh geeze. NO! Don't take him back! He's already tried to go sober and relapsed back into it. Three weeks is no kind of change. I'm talking at least a year, two years, three years, not three very short weeks.
Listen to me very carefully. You have a two year old son. Every thought and feeling you have ever had for anyone in the world should pale in comparison for the love you have for you son, and that means that you would rather die than expose him to anyone, and I mean ANYONE, including his abusive dad.
You have a duty to protect your son. You must care more about your son than this guy. End of story. Don't even waver on "Will he change" because his past has already shown that he won't. He tried to change. He fell back into it.
How many more chances, pushing, verbal abuse, screaming, and sheer trauma must your son have to watch before you rise up and protect your son if you can't protect yourself?
Your son is two. Your son should be your everything, not the abusive alcoholic. What if this guy pushes your son like he pushed you? What if during another drunken episode, he hits you in front of your son while your son is crying, screaming, and shrieking for his mom to not get hurt anymore?
Stop this toxic nonsense while there's still a chance to save your son. I would not be so adamant if this was the guy's first chance or second chance, but it is not. It's at least his third. Change is not three weeks. Apparantly, for him, change isn't even a year.
You said he pushed you? Think this won't escalate? You and he, screaming at each other, you throwing a present, him threatening to kidnap the son...all extremely unhealthy environment for your son.
You are all that stands between your son and this toxicity. I implore you to smash to bits any feelings you have for this guy. Any hope that he'll change. Any pining for him. Instead, think of the innocence that will be destroyed because your son is exposed to this.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 April 2011):
 People can change if they are really determined to change, but it does not happen overnight . And " I am changed " is very different from " I am changing ".
You also have a young child that ,I suppose, you don't want to be witness or- God forbid - victim of drunken violence.
You'd be wiser to not take him back .
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSweetSmoochy - He has never once even gotten angry at our son. I'd like to believe that he never would, but I can't say for sure. I'm sure he will relapse... I'm not an alcoholic but his father is, and I've saw him fall off the wagon. I guess I will give it some time and think on it. and if he shows me that he has changed and he is going to stick with it, then I may consider it. I've still got 27 days before we can even talk... provided he doesn't go to jail for violating his probation.
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reader, SweetSmoochy +, writes (1 April 2011):
 This is a tricky situation. While he has the excuse that he was drunk, alcohol removes a person's inhabitions. It doesn't change who they are, it just lets the "dog out" in most cases. While it would be wonderful to believe that he is a changed man, this is obviously not a perfect world, and he will spend the rest of his life battling with addiction. Even if he is fine sober, what if he should relapse? What if his anger explodes at your son the next time? Are you willing to take that risk?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionidoneitagain - He was drunk and he pushed me down. I did provoke him by throwing his birthday present outside. I went to the police because he was threatening to take our son. In my state, I have sole custody of our child because we are unmarried and only a judge can determine if he is the father. (If that makes sense.) Anyways, I went to the police to ask them to get him to leave the house until he sobered up. While talking to the officers, the officer noticed the bruises and scrapes on my arm. Unknown to me, in the state of TN, if an officer even suspects domestic abuse he will arrest the "aggressor" now matter what the "victim" says. I didn't feel that he needed to be arrested, but I had NO say in the matter. Even though the officers knew that I provoked him, they still arrested him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes it happened while he was intoxicated. Similar things have happened while he was drunk as well, not physical abuse, but verbal. It only happens while he is extremely intoxicated. I do believe that he can change and I believe he truly wants to change, but I feel as though people will look down on me if I do eventually let him into our lives. He is not the type of man to beg someone to stay in his life. If someone wants to leave him, he lets them go, but he sincerely begs me to let him come back after he has gotten help.He stayed sober for a year, and then we started arguing and he started drinking again. I'm just torn. It's already been 3 weeks of no contact, and it's still as hard as it was the day he went to jail.Thank you all for the advice. I appreciate it very much!
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reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (1 April 2011):
 An abusive person, especially one who is such under the influence of alcohol, can definitely change. But it requires intense dedication and commitment. He will fail before he succeeds. If he is truly a good man, he will regret it all deeply but that will not be enough to instill change. Change for someone like this is long and agonizing for him and for everyone around him.
If he is committed to ridding himself of the abusive cycle, then perhaps there is hope but, for you there is always going to be risk. He may or may not hurt you or even your child in the future. It is not impossible and it is up to you if you wish to forgive him or not. If the problem was caused purely because of alcohol, by all means, give him another chance as long as he never touches the drink but if there are moments in your relationship you look back on and think to yourself that you should have seen this coming, I would advise against taking him back.
I hope that helps.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (1 April 2011):
 If he's only abusive when he's drunk, then getting sober would mean stopping the abuse. However, he will probably relapse a few times, it's just the nature of addiction. You should give it a lot of time after he's been sober to really be sure if you want him back in your life. You're not required to let him back in after that, and it's understandable that you wouldn't want to risk going through that again.
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reader, idoneitagain +, writes (1 April 2011):
Whether he can change is one thing, and yes I do believe people can change. More important is, how can you be sure he has changed, and are you prepared to take the risk to take him back. Words are meaningless it is actions that count. Also, lasting change takes time, doesn't happen overnight. How long do you think it takes for deep change, 6 months, 12 months? depends on the individual. Change means not having had a drink for an extended period of time, going to meetings or counselling or similar, holding down a job and living a successful, healthy lifestyle. You deserve a parter that can do all of that, its no different from what we all deserve, when he gets to that point, you can decide if he has made the effort, and if its worth the risk. In my opinion. Lastly, if my partner got drunk and abusive and punched me in the face, I would dump her no questions asked, but pushed? What do you mean by pushed, if my partner pushed me I wouldn't be having her arrested, I can deal with that myself. I am not sure if there was more to the incident that you aren't telling us that you aren't admitting to, or maybe playing it down and not admitting it to yourself? Just a thought.Good luck.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (1 April 2011):
 He has to want to change for himself, and nobody else. His changing will take a lot of time and effort. It's probably your best choice to eliminate him from your life for good. The vast majority of the time people do not change. They may temporarily, but it doesn't last.Possible? Yes. Probable? No, not at all.It's good he's seeking treatment, and hopefully he continues. Maybe in a few years he can prove he's worthy of another shot, but hopefully by then you'll understand why he's not.
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