A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together 3/4 years, on and off. I'm pretty sure were in love and have been living together for the last year. Thing is we argue all the time because of the past! I'm so upset by it, frustrated with how he claims that it's all my fault and I'm miserable because I don't want to lose him. We have both made mistakes in the past; he cheated and I punched him when i found out. Even though I believe he hasn't slept with anyone since, I do know he has had flirty contact with other women on texts and Facebook, nothing sexual. he also totally checks women out when I'm with him, he'll deny it and make out I'm paranoid and we argue about this massively all the time, neither of us backs down. So yeah I don't trust him 100%It doesn't help that he works in the gym where his previous 'women' workout and I hate the fact that they'll even be in the same room doing a class! - he doesn't seem to grasp why that would bother me, he says he's moved on and that I should too but I feel he's being really insensitive especially when he checks out other women!Even after a row, I'm always the one who has to apologise because he'll sulk in another room - and I refuse this time! Thanks xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2011): Your boyfriend may not be having sex with other women anymore but clearly he hasn't changed. He hasn't removed temptation from his life and flirting IS sexual even if it isn't explicit.
His sulking is a smoke screen. He wants you to pay attention to how he feels and not what he does.
The reason you don't trust him is because he is untrustworthy and no amount of heart to heart talks is going to change that. You'll have to decide for yourself if this is what you want from life. If not then it's up to YOU to put a stop to it by ditching him and moving on.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2011): Sometimes, letting go of someone is really hard to do. You fight to keep them and work so hard at trying to forgive and move on. But it doesnt always work and it takes wisdom to know when its time to let go. Are you really happy? I dont mean WERE you really happy before he cheated because im sure you were. But do you honestly think you can ever be really happy with him again? Because unless you can totally forgive him for cheating, things will never change.
He was wrong to cheat on you. The fact that he still sees his 'previous' women at work will be difficult for you to deal with. He would have to change his job for you to feel any peace of mind with that situation. Is there any chance he would consider doing that? He has a wandering eye for other women. Thats not going to make you feel secure at all. Scoping them out and watching them is his way of showing that hes finding them sexually attractive. You know that and it wont make you feel secure. If he cant or doesnt want to stop doing that in your company, then there will be rows. Calling you paranoid is a selfish way of dealing with the problem. He shouldnt be doing that or trying to make you feel its you thats the problem when its cearly him and his inability to behave with any sensitivity towards you. Telling you hes moved on is a strange thing to say. Moved on from what? No one cheated on him, so what does he have to move on from? He really isnt getting the big picture and how much he hurt you and i doubt he ever will. Trying to make him understand will just drive you nutty. So is it worth all the trouble and unhappiness?
Im glad you no longer rush to make make things right when he sulks. He has a lot of growing up to do. It sounds as if he is in his own little bubble at the gym with his women and hes totally unaware of the hurt he is and has caused. He might grow up eventually but have you the time and patience to wait? And the faith to trust he doesnt cheat again, while you are waiting? Its hard to be stuck on someone whos not making you happy, you need to decide if he is really worth the effort x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2011): Once trust is gone. It's impossible to get it back. You can try..but things will never be the same..
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A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (1 April 2011):
 Trust is earned. If the trust in your relationship was like money, he's currently in serious debt to you and still buying sports cars. This guy is not trustworthy sounding, so why should you trust him? If during a rocky patch he runs out and cheats, what happens the next time you hit a rocky patch? And if he was serious about earning your trust back, he would be apologizing and groveling, not trying to flip the blame onto you. As well, he wouldn't be flirting with other women, and he would make a show out of cutting the woman he cheated with out of his life.
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A
female
reader, peace143 +, writes (1 April 2011):
its soooooooooooooooooo hard to try to trust again. im in the same boat.... life is short. if u dont have kids move on. its not worth putting yourself through this. wondering, checking, emails facebook, etc... i hear theres good men out there. im working on my next step too.... not marriage material. good luck
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