A
female
age
30-35,
*nowie
writes:I was walking outside with my boyfriend of 6 months, when we got into a small disagreement. We were holding hands, when he suddenly flung me across his body and into the snow on the side of the road. I landed, unhurt, but shaken. He is much stronger than me, but he has never done anything at all to hurt me before. This was totally out of the blue. He says can't believe he did this, his emotions got away from him, and he didn't know what to do. Advice please? I would greatly appreciate it. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, snowie +, writes (14 February 2011):
snowie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie-
He actually was seriously freaked out by his own behavior. And, yes, he is talking to someone about it. Which is good. We also discussed it on multiple occasions.
CindyCares-
Your question "Do I still feel the same for this guy now that I know I am not 100% physically safe around him?"
Yeah I do. Which is strange. I would gauge my feelings as: I love him, sure, but I'm not in love with him. This is still the same way I felt prior to the incident. He is a great person in all aspects, though flawed. I'm going to give it a certain amount of time and see how things (mainly my feelings) progress.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 February 2011):
 No one can give you a probability of whether it will happen again or not, I think it's more LIKELY that something (violent/abusive) will happen again, then nothing will ever happen again.
Just remember this, YOU CAN NOT CHANGE HIM. No matter how much you love him, love is not a cure for abusive behavior, addiction, cheating, lying.. you name it. Now if HE seriously was freaked out by his own behavior maybe he should find someone (therapist) to talk to and make a CHANGE himself.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 February 2011):
 What can I say, darling... let's hope nothing similar will ever happen again. I would not be absolutely sure about it, though. Because once you break a taboo- and nothing happens in retribution- then it is very easy to break it again, given the right chance. That's why people do not just shoplift once, or get drunk once.
Anyway, you say that if anything else crops up- you are instantly out of there, so let's hope a) that nothing crops up and b) that if it does you'll stick to your decision.
Question : do you still feel the same for this guy now that you know you are not 100% physically safe around him ?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): The chances that he'll repeat are Very High. As in, the probability is 99% or higher. Look at it this way--you were walking along, holding hands (usually a loving thing to do), having a minor disagreement, when he maliciously threw you to the ground. You were, miraculously, unhurt. What if the snow hadn't been there? If this happened in the summer, would you have landed on a hard surface like a sidewalk, curb, or even in the street? You could've been seriously injured. Why? Because "his emotions got away from him" during a minor disagreement. If you two ever have a big fight he will lose control again and will probably injure you severely. Giving your boyfriend another chance is a really bad idea.I'd be willing to bet that most (if not all) of the Aunties who've answered you have seen abusive relationships up close and personal--either as victims ourselves or from observing men in our sisters' or friends' lives use them as punching bags. Trust us...the abuse always starts small and gets progressively worse as time goes on. Think about it--if this had happened to your best friend, and she asked for your advice, what would you tell her? I hope that you would tell her to run. For your sake, I hope you'll run as well.
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A
female
reader, snowie +, writes (11 February 2011):
snowie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know you're probably going to label me as a young girl making a potentially stupid decision, but I'm thinking of giving him one chance. If anything else crops up, no matter how small, it's over. I've made this crystal clear to him, and he understands. This way it won't become a cycle, though the slate is no longer clean. However, what you've said makes me wonder. I do have one additional question. Do you think it is possible that he will never do this again?
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A
male
reader, Snowshoe  +, writes (9 February 2011):
 I just wanted to say that I tend to agree with the other Aunties that it would probably be in your best interest to leave the relationship as it does look as though you are in for further abuse.
I did play devil's advocate on this for one reason. There are cases of abuse against men that do take place. It isn't common but it does happen. Often when the man then defends himself he becomes seen as the aggressor when in truth he was the victim.
However, after Snowies reply I don't believe that is the case here. I believe it is important if we as Aunties want to be of any real help to have further clarification sometimes.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (9 February 2011):
I read Snowshoe's post with much interest and an open mind, yet I am quite puzzled. What does it mean " most men are taught and learn naturally from a very early age to settle problems phisycally ? " That's way too general, in fact that's not my experience at all. I have a ( rather argumentative ) 21 y.o. son and he would not dream to attack a woman physically to end an argument or express his frustration ! But forget about my son- I have lived in 4 different countries and nowhere physical violence ,particularly against women, was socially and officially endorsed, approved or "taught". That society is becoming more and more violent, due to diffusion of alcohol and drugs, urban living stress, economical insecurity and who-knows-what, is sadly true , but that's another story, - and it does not change that all civilized societies still consider physical abuse against women a transgression of ethic and social codes, and, ultimately, a crime.
So I am frankly amazed by this "boys will be boys " attitude and I think , even if taken in a devil's advocate way,it is a very disquieting message. Who cares if the young man has not "developed yet the capacity to argue articulately
with his sweetheart "? He can go to elecution school , or join a debate society- he can do the heck he wants, but NOT push a girl to the ground. Never.No matter how annoying or whiny she may be.
As for our OP, my only advice is : stay miles away from this guy. It always starts like this. A shove, because he can't " articulate ". A slap, because he is just " so frustrated ". And so on and so forth... till the day you'll have to run to the E.R to get stitches, or a cast for a broken bone, or much worse. Of course, while you wait for your turn, you can always remind yourself that hey, that's the way most (?) boys are taught and naturally learn.
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A
female
reader, snowie +, writes (9 February 2011):
snowie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks very much for the advice so far..
Snowshoe- you asked how in his face I was? I was not in his face at all. Like I stated, we were walking outside and it was a minor disagreement. This is the whole story minus exact details.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (8 February 2011):
 True, he may mature out of this behavior, but I know I've never done anything like this, and I was once an overly hormonal teen boy. He'll never learn what he did was wrong if she stays with him. He'll actually learn the opposite, that it's acceptable because she accepted it. That's part of the reason why this behavior usually escilates.
The consequence of him pushing you should be him losing you. You don't need to ruin his life over this, but you definitely shouldn't stay with him OP.
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A
male
reader, Snowshoe +, writes (8 February 2011):
OK I want to play devil's advocate on this one against the other Agony Aunts. I don't necessarily disagree with you but I also think we have to do two things. A) Look at the age range and B) I not sure Snowie is giving us the full picture re. how in his face she was during the argument.
This may have been one of those instances where some extended badgering by Snowie took place. Women often forget that most young men are taught and learn naturally from a very early age to settle problems physically. He didn't strike her he didn't screamm and yell and carry on. He threw her in a snow bank. Not the best solution but this gets back to my first point age.
I am a firm believer in the axiom that as men we don't hit useful till after 30yrs. This is one such example of why. Despite what my more evolved Aunties may believe. He may not be violent he might just be a hormonal teen male who had had enough of listening to a one sided argument. It is also very likely he hasn't developed the capacity to argue articulately with his sweetheart.
While I agree he should probably have found a better way to articulate his feelings. I don't believe we are getting both sides of the coin in any kind of fair and rational way. Yes Snowie should probably exit stage left but her Fella like a decent wine may need time to fully realize himself.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 February 2011):
I'd run. The relationship would be over instantly. Sorry I would not tolerate any kind of abuse ot violence.
What's next? a broken nose? Heck no!
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (8 February 2011):
Well, this obviously wasn't done in a joking manner, so it is a very bad sign indeed. People who can't control their emotions can be very dangerous. Today it was a shove into the snowbank, next it will be a shove into the wall. Then an "accidental" slap... This is the kind of behavior that gets worse, not better.
He was set off by a small argument. Think of what would have happened if it had been a big one. You need to get away from this guy. Now.
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A
female
reader, ailemaaax  +, writes (8 February 2011):
If he's doing it now, he WILL do it again, and he WILL get worse. 6 months isn't that long... get out.
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