A
female
age
30-35,
*ilemaaax
writes:Hello there, agony aunts. (:I have had a relatively close male friend who I have known for several years. We went to high school together and have always gotten on great. Almost the whole time I knew him, I had been with my ex boyfriend (who I was recently dumped by).I had no idea, but last night this male friend texted me and told me, now that I'm single, that he has always liked me and thinks about me all the time.I had often thought, when my ex was being awful, what it would be like to date someone like my friend. He is sweet and kind and gentle, and I know he would be a very dedicated partner. He earns good money and is definitely easy on the eyes too! I would be interested in us going on a few dates, perhaps (after I am over my recent ex, of course), but there is just one problem...He is a dedicated Christian, attending church twice a week and hosting youth groups for teens. I am a firm believer in science, and don't think I could ever come to believe his views. He, like many Christians, is a firm believer in no sex before marriage, and is accordingly still a virgin -- in fact, I don't think he would have ever done anything more than kiss a girl. I, however, am not a virgin and consider myself quite a sexual person.I also have my doubts about dating a virgin because my previous boyfriend of 2 years was a virgin when we got together, and this ended up causing him to leave me because he felt like he had missed out and wanted to experience other girls.Do you think there is any point in us trying to date in a few months? Or will we just end up finding our beliefs clash too much and ruin a good friendship? And do you think there is a such thing as a compromise on the sex thing? Help!
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (9 February 2011):
 Then maybe it's better to 'just" stay friends, if you honestly don't think you can have a relationship without sex or that he can fully respect your beliefs. Maybe talk it over with him.
A
female
reader, ailemaaax +, writes (9 February 2011):
ailemaaax is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for all your helpful answers. (:
I believe that sex is at least 40-50% of a relationship, if not more! It is a beautiful and intimate thing, and I don't know if I would be able to wait til marriage -- not that I'm getting to carried away!
I was raised a christian so although I do not believe in God, I do share a lot of the same ideas and values. My ex boyfriend believed in God, although he did not attend church and was not a "hard-core christian", and we never had any problems. I could accept his beliefs and of course never try to change them, and would be willing to compromise, I'm just not sure if he would be willing to compromise too, or if he would try to change me!
Thank you again for your responses. (: You have given me a lot to mull over. (:
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 February 2011):
I agree with dirtball. If the two of you can agree to and respect each others views without wanting or expecting change you stand a pretty darn good chance.
From what you described hi mas he is worth a date or two to see how it goes.
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A
male
reader, shawncaff +, writes (8 February 2011):
 Although I am always a fan of Dirtball and greatly respect his advice on this site, I disagree with him here. "Agreeing to disagree" on such a pivotal issue as religion will be extremely difficult in the long term, particularly where marriage is involved. When you start talking about big issues--and it sounds like this guy would only be interested in a serious, marriage-minded relationship--you will have to do more than disagree. You both will have to compromise. Things like the nature of a marriage ceremony, how to raise kids, where to send them to school, what values you want your family to have...these all demand concrete decisions.
"Whoa, now!" I hear you say. "Who's talking marriage? I am just talking about a bloody date!"
I know, and I know you are young. But any serious relationship will eventually open up to the possibility of marriage. And it sounds like you only are talking about a serious relationship, not a casual fling.
Values are crucial in relationship. You want to feel like you and your partner are ont he same page. Dirtball is right about not going in to change the other person--that never works--but I think you should go in open to change for yourself. Because eventually you and he will have to compromise, and that is only possible if you are both open.
If you can do that--keep your values and beliefs in place while still be open to hearing opposing views--then, sure, there is a strong possibility of things working out. Just keep talking and listening.
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (8 February 2011):
Of course there is no way I can know how your relationship will result. And I agree with dirtball, mostly.
But, for Christian people virginity is big issue. As a result of Christian beliefs. And I think that you not being a virgin is an issue that will come out in the future, when he start thinking more sexually about you. If that happens you two will result severely hurt.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (8 February 2011):
 Such dramatically different beliefs can only survive in a relationship if you can agree to not try and change each other. The good ol' "agree to disagree" compromise. I'm agnostic (borderline athiest) and I haven't had problems with dating religious people, but I'm up front about the fact that if they try to change my beliefs, then we'll have a major problem. It is possible to be respectful of each other though.
My bigger concern here would be the sex. He no doubt knows about your past, and this hasn't deterred him. That's a good sign. I personally believe that sexual compatability is worth knowing before long term commitment. The reason is that sex is much more important to a relationship than some people think. It would be a horrible disservice to the institution of marriage to divorce right away because you find out that you two just aren't sexually compatable. Then again, some of the most reserved people on the outside, are also the most wild in the sack.
Ultimately, it might not hurt to go on a couple of dates. You would not need to take things beyond a nice dinner and conversation and maybe some kissing. This might give you a good indication of just what you both are feeling toward each other.
I think some of the best relationships come out of deep friendship, so I say give it a chance.
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A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (8 February 2011):
No, there is not much point in trying to date. Religion is a core belief that forms who people are. If he is a dedicated Christian and you are non-religious, your values are hugely different and you will never really understand each other. And if he is a dedicated Christian, there is no compromise about sex. Either he will not have sex and upset you, or he will have sex with you and go against his religious beliefs. Either way, it will cause stress and guilt on him and you.
I know how hard different religious beliefs can have on relationships. My grandparents raised me for part of my life, and they are very very religious Christians. Now, I am non-religious and have a very strained relationship with them. I'm not comfortable talking to them, as religion and God will always come into the conversation. They want to convert me and I can always tell that they are upset that I don't believe (since that means I am going to hell). They are my family, and I barely have a relationship with them anymore. They don't know that I live with my fiance. They don't know about my previous 2 boyfriends. And they would probably die of a heart attack if they knew I was not a virgin.
Religion is a very strong thing. It is unlikely that the relationship would go anywhere, unless one of you changed your religious beliefs to match the other's. And if it isn't going anywhere, and you can't agree to sex, and if your values and beliefs are so different, it would be best not to get involved. Just continue to cherish your friendship.
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