A
female
age
36-40,
*orngirl
writes:My boyfriend of over 2 and a half years has slept with someone else.He came to mine on Saturday, we had great sex, then went to the fair then for a lovely meal. He then went to a friend in London's housewarming party, coming back the next day.I came home from a race to find him in tears. He said he'd done something really stupid and had slept with someone. I couldn't believe it. I never thought he would ever do anything like this. I felt so numb and couldn't really take it in.What I don't understand is things were good between us. If we hadn't been together for months, or had been arguing for ages, it wouldn't be ok, but I could understand it more.He says he doesn't know why he did it, the only things he could say were to feel that other people found him attractive and that he was drunk and wasn't thinking. I probably give him 10 compliments for every 1 he gives me, and I managed to establish that I did cross his mind at the time, but he carried on regardless of thinking it felt odd and wrong, that at the time he didn't care...Lovely. If he had said he was drunk and kissed someone and instantly regretted it, I would be hurt, but I could kind of get that it was a stupid mistake. I'd want to know why he was tempted if he loves me as he says he does... but this?We've been planning to move in together in 6 months (once I finish my current job basically) and then been looking at uni's together in order to go to the same one to do PhD's. He was everything I wanted and more - I thought. I just can't understand why this has happened. I'm very into honesty so I'm glad he told me, but...that doesn't make it any better. The idea of him having sex with someone else is horrible and makes me feel sick. But what's worse is that he would want to if he loves me - while on rare occasions I might feel attracted to someone else (and feel guilty) I'd honestly never want to be with someone else. It would just be weird, and wrong. Having asked him the gory details, it went on for some time, and he enjoyed it. How could he do this if he loves me? I haven't blown up about it - partly cos I can't quite process it - and just asked him to figure out what it was all about - what was not so good about us/him/me. He can't identify anything. How did the man I loved do this? Now he says he loves me, badly wants me back, can't believe what he's destroyed... I don't want to lose him and us but I just wonder what he or us were. Either he can't feel that for me, or if he does...what is there to look forward to if this is what he does when things are good and he is 'perfectly happy' with me, to quote.Help? Any insights? I just want to make some kind of sense of this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2009): i wish you well going forward. i have not walked in your shoes but i know so many women who have gone through what you are going through. torngirl ,you should not feel ashamed that you want ot try and salvage this relationship. just make sure he is the right one and that he knows what he almost lost. he is lucky you have given him a second chance.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2009): my boyfriend also cheated on me.. and it was just out of the blue. i found out by seeing a old mate in town and he turned round introduced me to some othergirl and she was like hii im ... im goin out with your ex! i was like ex? so i said what conor? and she said no James ..(who was my current boyfriend) i imideatly rang him.. i was like you tell me you love me and want to marry me and plan to have a future and family etc. and he was like i dont love her i love you ive done it to piss you off so i ended it with him when i did this though i was goin through a really rough patch because i could of been pregnant so i sent hima nasty text saying i will punch my stomach or get someone to push me down the stairs if i am because this baby would be yours and i dont want it after what ive heard you done! after a week went to see him.. then on the second week i got back together with him, the day after he ended it with this other girl but then we was goin so well till i got told he has had sex with her i was so upset i just cried my eyes out, then when it came to us haveing the first time sleeping together after the insident it was sooo wierd and didnt feel right this all happened in august and ive been back with him since then its now october and it still doesnt feel right with him! when we have arguements its gets brought up and the last time we argued he said he felt great cheating and would do it again.. but i still took him back becuase i love him, but now i cant trust him ONE LITTLE BIT.. hes just made it alot worse and its alot more harder now!
its is very hard.. am i would say listen to your heart!! and i hope whatever choice you make goes well for you hunny x
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A
female
reader, torngirl +, writes (19 October 2009):
torngirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell-update-if anyone's still bothered as you probably think i'm a bit of a fool! Initially i spoke to him a lot and tried to make things work. We have started couples counselling. Some things are coming out that he was less happy about with the relationship, the main thing that he didnt like that i didnt fully trust him. I nearly did fully but he lied to my face about something a few months ago (said he couldnt remember when hed last watched porn when he;d watched it the night before- a site came up in his address bar when i started typing in another site and so then checked his history and found out. While not thrilled about porn it was the lie that got to me...)
Anyway...we had some nice times still but at the back of my mind i was thinking about what had happened and didnt feel too healthy to be ignoring it without understanding it. Also bugged me that he got to be happy cos he was back with me and i got all the pain still when he was the one who did this! Anyway this morning said i needed a break, will still go the couples counselling with him but thats all. However...theres something about him and us thats so much more than any other guy. And ok I could not be with anyone. But if we can figure it out i probably will give it another go because of how we are normally and the things we do. They mean a lot and maybe he really is really sorry. All the same i need this time apart to check he still feels the same in a few weeks and its not just that hes got used to being with me as opposed to really truly wanting to be with me. Also need to understand it to truly move on and now sure how/if thats going to happen because he doesnt seem to understand it.
The one thing i've learnt from this is that it's easy to say what you would do if this situation arose, but it's so much harder when you're actually in it, you love the person but at the same time you need to know if they are the person you thought, and how and why this could happen and also almost get over your pride etc - to try to make it work even though it wasnt your fault (sure there may be problems in the rel that are your fault but youd not done this...) I feel I could go on and not take him back. And it would prob be fine in many ways eg see friends more often, have more time for me, spend more time on writing music and painting and things like that that seem to fall to the wayside. But then would I be always wondering what if?/Was I right to let him go?/Were things I wasn't so great at partly to blame/Could we have gone on to have everything if I'd had tried? Similarly I'm taking this break now as I just kept thinking am i still with him just to have someone to go on nice days trips with/have cosy nights in with, and does he truly value me (since his actions contradict that!). I guess time will tell.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2009): torngirl, i know you are afraid of being alone and not having someone (anyone) to love. but consider this- he knew what he did was wrong. he did it anyway. he still had the audacity to spend time with her the morning after the sex. speaks volumes of the type of guy he is really. he cared nothing of your feeling. he has not spared your feelings at all. he did the wrong. cannot explain it and he expects you to just move on –males urges, my foot!
You do not want to throw away 2.5 years but what would you say to throwing away the rest of your life . you are so fearful. You cling on to this relationship as though your life depends on it. The fear of loneliness is a real one. Have you heard of the saying- better to be alone and happy or with someone and unhappy. In your case, this fear is crippling you to such an extent that you are willing to put up with anything he does just so that you are not alone. Although I can understand it, I can also see it was very unhealthy.
Mourning the end of a relationship takes time. You will be reminded about the good times, times you spent together and the places you have been. Your heart will feel as though it is breaking in two. But with time, comes the healing. With time, you can make a conscious decision to move on. Having him in your life is a comfort, I know. But when his next male urges want to be satisfied do you walk this horrible path again? You have identified that he has a lack of respect for you and your feelings. Look at this closely. Would a man who loved you, respected you, cherished you do this to you . you know the answer.
I sister took her bf back after he cheated. Is she happier now. I don’t know. She doesn’t open up and she doesn’t talk about her feelings. What I do know is this- she is lacking in self esteem. She is insecure. She comes across as perhaps fearful that he will leave her. She laughs off anything said in jest, but she checks up on him. Where he has been and with whom. This is not the ideal life. You see my sister does not want to give up 14 years. She is so afraid. She mentioned that it is so hard. She doesn’t want to throw away her life over her bf’s cheating. She is holding on to the scraps in her life and we need to ask ourselves is this what our lives have amounted to that we just accept the pittance being thrown at us? in doing so my sis is actually cheating herself. Just like you are now doing. You see cheaters do not change. They just change their modus operandi.
If you cannot afford counselling then talk to a religious leader who has experience in relationship infidelity. mourning the end of this relationship if you can. it will take time but in the end you will survive. others have done it and have made it through all the pain and devastation.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2009): Is this the man whose children you want to have? What if he comes home late from work one day? What if you suddenly discover a new female friend of his? Are you going to believe what he tells you after all this? Trust, honey, is like glass. Once it's broken it can never return to it's original state. There will always be that seed of doubt, that creeping fear that something is not right. Can you live with that feeling? I understand your fear to abandon 2 and a half years of your life but if you don't you may waste even more time on someone who doesn't deserve it.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, torngirl +, writes (8 October 2009):
torngirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your considered replies, i really appreciate it!
I'm in a dilemma over it really - it's odd because it's the things that I can take in more that hurt the most. Like i found out he kissed her goodbye in the morning because he 'felt it would be rude not to'...so what about being rude to me? That cut straight to me whereas it's almost like my mind is blocking out the pain of their sex to protect me or something!
Part of me wants to try and put it behind us. The couples counselling idea is a great one thanks, albeit a bit pricey. We've been speaking a lot on the phone about it and i've been asking him to try and figure out what it was all about, suggesting ideas, and asking what he really thinks of me etc. No progress there, so maybe someone experienced can ask the right questions in the right ways, or pick up on underlying dynamics between us.
Having initially ended it between us (still are split up), I found the most upsetting thing to be the idea of being without him. The thought of losing someone who I loved so much really hurt, and when he seems so remorseful for what he's done and continues to claim to feel pain over it, I think why put myself through the pain of losing him only to maybe always wonder whether we could have put it behind us...
...On the other hand, if I really meant so much to him, then why would he do that-why would he do something he knew would be so hurtful, and risk losing me? He says he knew it was wrong but didn't think it through fully i.e. that he could/would lose me, and 'now knows' how hurtful it is. I pointed out you don't have to be a genius to figure out it's going to feel pretty horrible to be cheated on or what you're risking...
It's silly but things we had planned together now won't seem as good alone.. for example we were both going to a reunion this saturday, and now I'm dreading it - people will ask why he's not there and even if I give a vague response I'll feel all wobbly! We had a posh hotel room booked and were looking forward to the night out and exploring the city the next day...now I think I'll probably get all upset when out with others since we'd planned it all together! It's things like this that are gonna be hard.
I really don't know... Part of me thinks that I would really miss him if we split up, is it worth it? Maybe I should give it a try, but be more conscious of putting my friends first etc, and not to change my life for him - e.g. I was going to put uni on hold for a year so we could go together as he has to finish training in his current job first, but now don't think it's worth doing that...
Less to do with him in some ways is that i've just moved to a new city for new job (we were in different cities for 8 months before this, too) and hardly know people (am trying to get to know ppl but it's a slow process!), and while i love seeing my old friends we dont get to meet up so often because its a bit further away and theyre all in relationships too. So my weekends would seem pretty empty without him - plus his travelling to see me and spending most weekends with me adds to feeling valued...
...Then again, when we've spoken on the phone, I've felt angry with myself for it. I do feel I'd be a bit of a laughing stock if I took him back after it, and feel pathetic that I've not sent him packing and never looked back. It's one of those things I've read about and thought how awful it is and how silly people are for taking people back. I've guessed people feel more that they 'should' if they're married with kids, yet i don't have these ties but am considering it! I guess it's partly because nothings stopping me from leaving him should i meet 'Mr Right' - then again i'd probably pass him by as you don't think of other people in that way when committed... But then is that just sad to be with him so as not to be alone? He is a great support and I feel so comforted when we speak, I love the times we share and I don't know if i can pass that up...but he was prepared to and can't identify why...and having asked him whether he's had the opportunity to before he said no, so has he just not cheated before because he hadn't had the chance?
I'm not sure that he told me because I would have found out from others, the party was with just friends of his and while apparently a friend's girlfriend was evidently unimpressed with his actions, i dont think she or others know me well enough to tell me - I've met them in the past but since uni and people moving away I've not seen them much. He has also vowed to give up alcohol (he brought it up), it's something he's tried to give up in the past but failed - not that he's a heavy drinker usually, but when he goes out with those friends he tends to drink far too much and always regrets it, though he'll often be the first to stop after a glass or two with me. That said, i don't think that's the main issue - i wonder if it's an underlying lack of respect for me/what he have? He made a silly comment about it being 'male urges' - i said that at the start of the relationship i was tempted plenty of times but didn't because i didn't want to hurt him, but now i love him thats rare almost nonexistant. Plus does that mean everytime a half decent girl finds him attractive he'll a) want her and b) act on it?
Argh... I'd always thought this kind of thing to be a horrible, hard time but with a clear result. Now i'm seeing it's not so easy! Obviously any more feedback extremely welcome!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2009): i don't know why he cheated. but what i am surpprised about is this" you both had sex the same day he cheated. in a matter of hours he had sex with someone he (didn't) know.
Lazyguy I am so glad you have REALISTICALLY captured the essence of what this guy has done. he f*cked someone else BECAUSE HE WANTED TO. he knew what he was doing and yet he continued. no one forced him. he choose and he opens the waterworks and hey presto, he is forgiven. works like a charm for women when the floodgates open, so why wouldn't it work for a man. he quickly confessed because he knew others knew that he did the dirty deed with someone else. he quickly did DAMMAGE control so that you would think, i have such an honest bf, he is telling me the truth. he knew he was going to be busted and decided to confess first instead of someone else rating him out to you.
this was not a out of the blue sex thing. this was premeditated. he choose the actions. he indulged and to hell with the consequences. don't be too naive to forgive and forget. once he gets off scout free then, he knows hes landed in the cream. he will then know your reaction and what you will accept.
think very very carefully or else you will have to deal with this much much later. don't set a precedent. do your homework. appearing remorseful or not doesn't condone his betrayal. he WANTED to have sex. keep this in mind.
moving in together in 6 months time - re think this. all this is just too much to comprehend right now but soon you will have to make a big decision about your future.
(side note- someone alerted my sis that her boyfriend of almost 14 years was cheating. the bf opened the floodworks, swore that HE WOULD NEVER ever do something like that to my sis. this went on for weeks, more tears , wanted to kill himself over the "lies", more emotional outbursts and so forth, until there were photos to prove otherwise. jewellery he gave the other woman. and sadly it was revealed that he was cheating for over 2 years. moral of the story - floodworks are mere crocodile tears. it is the actions , not the mere words, that speak volumes)
good luck, please post an update when you can.
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A
male
reader, Illithid  +, writes (5 October 2009):
 My first instinct is to say that cheating is always unforgivable and a deal breaker, but in this case... I don't know. He told you about it immediately when he saw you next. He was in tears and upset about it. He's honest, repentant, feels horrible about it, and trying to make it up to you.
The real question is why would he do this when drunk. I would advise a good couple's counselor, get to the bottom of his self esteem issue (which is not your fault, or something compliments will fix) and the relationship problem. In the meanwhile, he has to stop drinking unless you're there with him. And he has to cut off contact with this girl (completely) and possibly even this group of friends that let this happen. If he wants to stay with you, he won't have a problem with these rules.
It IS possible this is a one time mistake, and would be something he would never ever do again, but you're right: the trust will have to be rebuilt slowly, and he's going to NEED counseling, either with you or even just for himself to make sure he's past whatever problem led to this.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (5 October 2009):
 A note of caution, men can cry on command as well and no woman believes this so it is infinitely more effective.
He had sex because he wanted to. If he didn't want to, he wouldn't have done so. BUT once it was done, he knew there was a good chance you would find out about it, so why no pre-empty your outrage by a conffesion and some tears.
You yourself can testify that it worked.
Just consider one thing. He wanted sex and had it. Now he trying to get away with it. if you forgive him, then what has changed? Only one thing, now he KNOWS he can get away with it, if he opens up the waterworks.
That is often the most lethal thing about cheating in a relationship, it lowers the barrier.
He probably means what he is saying... but he also meant what he (I presume) said BEFORE the affair. didn't he promise to be faithful before? So what makes his words NOW worth more then the words before? A vow broken is supposed to be mended by another vow?
Why did he do it? Because he wanted to, because right then the risk of losing you didn't outweigh the desire for a fuck.
If you believe that he was out of control because he was drunk, and want to forgive him because of this, then that is your choice. Just make sure he stays away from alcohol for the rest of his life, of his OWN free will. If he opens a single beer, then obviously he doesn't mind loosing control again.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (5 October 2009):
He made a mistake and instantly regretted it. You don't need a reason to make a mistake sometimes. Now you need to sit down and think carefully as to whether you want to give him another chance or whether you want to move on. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Summer1951 +, writes (5 October 2009):
He sounds very upset about what he has done. You either forgive him and forget about it and dont thow it in his face at the slightest little argument or you break it off. Be sure though before you move forward that he is genuinly sorry and it will not happen again!
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A
female
reader, Lilly Rose +, writes (5 October 2009):
 You don't have to have a reason to cheat...some people just do it...doesnt mean there is anything wrong with you....its his mistake not yours.....the hardest part now is will you ever be able to trust him again? I have a friend going through the same thing and she is torn between what is the best thing to do and what her heart is telling her.....you must ask theys questions to yourself...can you trust him now? will you ever feel he loves you the same way you love him becoz of what hes done? Will he be likey to do it again?
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