A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I need help.Just had a big fight with my boyfriend of 5 years. We are in a hotel room travelling to Memphis and we were enjoying a week long road trip. I've put on some weight since we met. But then so has he. He had once told me he would love me no matter what shape I was. But when I asked him if he preferred my curves or when I was thinner, he replied that he liked my thinner self.I was hurt by this. I was really surprised he would say that to me. I was very hurt by it because I am sensitive about my weight. I work out regularly and take pride in my appearance. And I always have.He went nuts on me and blamed me. He threatened to walk out of the hotel room and sleep in the car. Then he gave me the silent treatment and acted like a 2 year old after I told him how hurt I was. He was the one who said something hurtful yet turned around and blamed me for asking him something like that. Then he turned around in bed and fell asleep. This happened moments ago.What do I do now?Was I in the wrong here? He sure made me feel like I was! I cannot believe there was no empathy at all on his part or even an apology for making me feel bad.I have done everything I could to make him happy. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2018): I expect women to pile-on and attack your boyfriend, and that's what you wanted by writing your post. Now here's a male's point of view on something like this.
You baited your boyfriend in with a question about your body; knowing the wrong answer would upset you. Then asked why would he say something like that? Why would you ask him something like that if you knew choosing the slimmer you would upset you? You picked a fight in the middle of a vacation?!! That was sabotage. Now own your responsibility in this situation. He is right, you started it!
You couldn't let well enough alone. So, he gave you an honest answer. You would have felt better if he told you what you wanted to hear. Obviously, the weight was already on your mind, but you needed something to ruin your trip; so you pulled this number on your relationship and here you are.
If I ask my boyfriend a question, I want him to be honest with me. I don't pick at sores and I don't ask him questions that cause fights.
I trust people who are honest with me. Oh by the way, you didn't fail to mention he gained weight too!
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 April 2018):
 He acted like an ass and so did you. What did you expect?
If he had LIED to you and said, I like the curvier version better you wouldn't have liked that one bit either, because it's a lie.
It's a NO win question for him. He is damned if he is honest and damned if he lies.
I LIKE my skinnier body MUCH better than the one I have now (which is about 20lbs heavier than when we married) I don't know which my husband "prefers" because I'm not going to ask. If he liked the skinnier version, well that probably won't happen and then what? If he likes the bigger version, then good - I STILL DON'T! And I'm the one who has to live in my skin, not him.
If he didn't enjoy YOU AS YOU ARE now, he wouldn't BE with you. Doesn't mean that he can't think the "skinnier" version was what he FELL for back in the day.
I also think you owe him an apology for stating this argument.
YOU were fishing for compliments and you got honesty.
Not only that but you pull this stunt on a vacation? Great way to begin a little intimate trip!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2018): I look at your age ...by now your guy should know better..he is not twelve and you are not his first girlfriend are you?I don't know but I can be direct.I would have answered to him I used to think you were smart but now I know it was just an illusion.
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (24 April 2018):
While I agree that you should never ask a question like this if you can’t handle a negative answer, I also think your boyfriend has been massively tactless in his response.
Most people know that such questions are asked by people looking for reassurance that they are still desirable to their partner, and that the ‘correct’ response is a diplomatic one such as ‘I’ll love you no matter what size you are’. It’s like when a man asks if he has the biggest penis of the men you’ve been with. Even if they swear blind that they want 100% honesty, there’s NO WAY they would be happy with a negative answer and I think most people would agree that to answer such a question negatively would be a cruel thing to do.
I think his OTT reaction is him going on the offensive because he knows he’s hurt you. So he’s making you the bad guy. If I were you, I’d spell it out to him. Tell him you were looking for reassurance and the reason you’re sad is he effectively told you he finds you less attractive now. I’d also make it clear that a woman’s weight is as sensitive a topic as a man’s penis size, because I don’t think he gets that at the moment!
And finally, I don’t know how much weight you’ve put on, but if you’re healthy and happy with yourself, please don’t feel you need to change. I don’t see him rushing to lose the weight he’s put on, so he’s in no position to make you feel you can’t change your shape but he can.
All the best to you OP.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (24 April 2018):
 Loaded question...how could he win? A damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. I agree that he never said he didn't love you. You asked for the truth, he gave it and now you're not happy. Don't ask questions if you can't handle the truth. Men don't understand many times that women want a particular answer, they don't play games, they tell you straight out. Learn that now or you two may have many fights if you ask questions like the one you asked!
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (24 April 2018):
 Why, oh why oh why. Why ask such a loaded question, without first priming him for the correct answer.
Lets say he answered he liked your curvy now you better and you lost the weight again in a few months ... and you asked the same question and he said he liked the curves. Arghhh
Some people don't know how to answer a question without answering the question, he didn't know he wasn't supposed to answer that question but to declare his undying love instead, because YOU asked the question in such a way he could only answer "A" or "B"
You asked, he answered and you got all upset and claimed great hurt. I think you owe him an apology when he wakes up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2018): Hi hun. Of course he was too insensitive with that statement, and I agree that it hurts. I think this kind of statements is rather manipulative and abusive. Someone who loves you would love you for who you are, not for how you look like! You're a young beautiful princess, and you deserve to be with someone who treats you nicer. I say breakup with that jerk and find someone else worthy of you.
*Emily*
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 April 2018):
 One can love you to bits at any weight you happen to be, AND still like you better ( prefer you from an esthetic point of view ) at a certain weight or shape.
If you don't want to know his preference, then don't ask.
What's the point of asking " Do you prefer x or Y ? " when you already know there's only one answer that, in your eyes, is the right one ? And that you are going to kick a big fuss in case the " wrong " answer pops up ?
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A
female
reader, Ormskirk360 +, writes (24 April 2018):
 Yes, you were in the wrong. If you can't handle him telling the truth, then don't ask him a leading questing and get butthurt over his answer.
Preferring the skinnier you doesn't mean he doesn't love you.
You've caused the argument. Apologise.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2018): He never said he didn't love you, he answered a question that you asked???
Only you know how much weight you've put on, is it a lot so there is a clear difference?
Whether he has put on weight is regardless, he answered your question honestly, what would you prefer he be, a liar?
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