A
female
age
26-29,
*antingOut
writes:In September I moved to a new area for work, shortly after I started my job i had a coworker that started flirting with me. He is really cute and sweet only problem is he is married. He like me moved to the area for work, his family is actually four hours away. He is older by 12 years. At first it was just flirting but it seemed like every thing work related we would partnered together. Shortly after Halloween we started dating. At first it was something we kept to ourselves. We would sneak around at work and after work , I guess you could say it was kind of thrilling. I liked him but kept telling myself he was married I didn’t except an actual relationship to form.About a month ago we were together at his apartment and he got a FaceTime call from his wife and daughter. I felt horrible listen to his daughter telling him how much she missed him and wished he was home for the weekend with her. Everything that had been going on for the past 6 months really hit me and I left telling him we couldn’t be together. I’m not a horrible person, I’ve never once cheated on a boy friend before and never in my wildest dreams did I think I wouldDate a married man.For the last two weeks he has been relentless , texting and calling . He has sent flowers to my apartment and to work. Telling me he loves me and misses me. Yesterday and work he had a meltdown in front of our coworker, telling her he never loved someone as much as he loves me and he doesn’t want to lose me. Last night he came by and we ended up having sex, afterwards he was asleep and st that moment I wasTempted to grab his phone and send a text to his wife , he has tons of pictures of us on his phone and I thought about which one I shouldSend. I didn’t do it and I hate myself for even thinking about it. How do I break Away from him with out hurting him or his family .
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female
reader, malvern  +, writes (26 April 2018):
 You are doing the right thing by asking to be transferred to a different project within your department. Do not encourage this man in any way. Do not weaken to his charms. Never be tempted to contact his poor innocent wife because there is no point in upsetting her and you will gain nothing from it. The best thing that can happen is for you to find a suitable boyfriend to take your mind off your married man. If you don't meet anybody soon then I suggest you fill your life with other interests and projects and start enjoying your life. Go out with your female friends and have a laugh and put this past experience behind you. Married men are full of empty promises and they never leave their wives and family. They are a complete waste of time !
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 April 2018):
 OP, we ALL make mistakes in life.
It's what you DO about it when you realize that it is a big ass mistake.
And yes, I can totally see how his family was "out of sight - out of mind" for you. After all YOU are not the one married. YOU are not the one betraying your spouse and kids. HE is.
BUT you are (or were) enabling him to do badly. He can do bad all by himself...
I hope it works out with you as far as the transfer and detaching yourself from this guy. He isn't good for you. Career-wise or personal either.
If you worked as hard as you say for this job, don't let some DICK ruin it for you.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (25 April 2018):
 Plain and simple the guy is a piece of shit. Cheating on his wife and betraying his family.
You can put a stop to this now, forget your feelings, that is not important right now, nothing will come of this. If he wanted to be with you he would of divorced his wife and gone about this in an amicable way. He’s bored in his marriage and wanted someone younger to spice things up.
You have the power to steer things towards a more positive outcome by telling him it’s over and blocking all his forms of contact to you. Do the right thing, draw a line under it and don’t do anything like this again.
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A
female
reader, WantingOut +, writes (25 April 2018):
WantingOut is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have a meeting after lunch with my supervisor to see if I can be transferred to another project within our department. I don’t want to get him in trouble work wise, he does he job well and I know that he has worked hard to get where he is with the company. So I just want to see if I can maybe not work so close to him on projects. I don’t want either one of us to have strikes against us work wise so I want to handle this professionally.I did know he married from the beginning and Yes I did do this to myself which I know is wrong on so many levels. I’m not sure if it’s because his situation makes it seem like he isn’t married, his family isn’t here so it was like a normal relationship there was no one to hide from, I could show up unannounced at his apartment without worrying that his wife we going to answer the door. I know that doesn’t make it any better or give me an excuse to do what I did. But I guess it just felt normal.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 April 2018):
Not saying you are a horrible person, I'm sure you are not.... But you DID make a HORRIBLE choice. Given your age group, mistakes will be made. It's WHAT you do with the situation once you KNOW it's a mistake that sets you apart from that "horrible" choice.
Sex doesn't JUST happen. There are always something leading UP to sex. Especially with a coworker (compared to a one night stand with a stranger). Which means at some point you MADE the choice to flirt back, participate in the steps leading up to BEING alone with him (at his/your place/hotel/motel) and the you made the choice to get naked, you made the choice to keep going and you MADE the choice to have sex.
YOU are responsible for your own actions. I am responsible for mine, your affair-buddy for his, etc. etc.
And while YOU are not the one who is married, the overall double standard in society is that women who CHOOSES to be involved with a married man is judged harder than a man who CHOOSES to have an affair with a married OR unmarried woman. Doesn't mean the double stand is right. But it does exist and you DO need to pay attention to that. Because? IT can ruin all that you have worked for.
Now I could have written a LONG ASS paragraph (or 5) on how disgusted I am with this OLDER MARRIED guy's actions. BUT he isn't the one asking for advice, YOU are.
I wouldn't be surprised if he is the "aggressor" in this, that he used his age and the fact that he has way more life and relationship experience so SEVERELY hoodwink you into this affair - but what it comes down to is that you KNEW he was married, and you STILL chose to take it further. THAT is on you.
Are you willing to toss this job/career move for this ONE major mistake?
If not, then you TELL him straight out it needs to stop. And HE needs to back off or YOU will go to HR.
If you don't HAVE to work with him in the day to day - you CAN block his number. If you DO have to work with him, you have to find ways of limiting the one-on-one time spend together. If he shows up at your place, don't let him in. If he sends flowers, refuse to accept them. And if he doesn't stop pursuing you - tell him you have chosen YOUR career over him and that you will take it to HR. (Human Resources, I presume your company has one of those). him having a "melt-down" is just a manipulation trick, and it worked. However, it might also show instability, so you really NEED to play this safe.
YOU are in control of your actions. And you ARE responsible for them too. So it might seem "unfair" that YOU now have to do all the work to "undo" the affair so you can focus on your career, but remember this is your life. Which means YOU (and no one else) should be making these choices for what happens next.
YOU can't trust this guy any further than you can toss him.
You CAN do it. Find things outside work to keep you busy, like the gym, hobbies, making friends.
Chin up, and make a choice for YOUR future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2018): No it's not easy to switch off emotions but do the right thing and leave him be, your conscience is telling you it's wrong. He doesn't care, he is getting the best of both worlds. Even if he left her you would never be able to trust him.
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A
female
reader, WantingOut +, writes (25 April 2018):
WantingOut is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFinding another job won’t be so easy, yes there are others jobs out there but this job was one I applied for a year in advance, had months worth of testing and interviews and moved several hours away for. This job opportunity isn’t one that I can easily replace.As for being judged you’re right I guess I will be judged , even in your response you guys are judging me. I’m not a horrible person who set out to hurt anyone. I didn’t plan to date him or sleep with him. This happened in the moment. And believe me when I say I regret it terribly. But it’s hard to just turn feelings off that you have for someone in an instant. Yes I know what I did was wrong and I should have never put myself in a situation where I was alone with him but i truly never thought anything would happen. As for sending his wife the picture I didn’t do it, I’m not even sure why I thought about doing it. I guess at that moment I wanted her to know that he was cheating on her.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (25 April 2018):
Why would you ever consider doing that?
Destroying an innocent woman’s life because YOU can’t control yourself? Get a grip woman. It really is not hard to drop someone from your life, the only way it’s not possible is when some DOESNT WANT TO.
Stop acting like the victim here, you’re a willing accomplice in someone cheating on their partner. You know it’s wrong yet continue to fuck the guy in question. He’s also letting slip to co workers how much of a sleaze he is. He doesn’t even care! In the meantime I’d be looking for another job.
BLOCK his number, keep Work chatter to relevant professional topics only and refuse any further gifts and apartment visits. It’s really that simple but let’s be honest, you don’t want out or you’d of figured this all on your own.
If his marriage is going down the pan, let it happen on its own. Don’t be that that side chick, you know you’re going to be the one that gets most of the flak if it all comes out. It’s also probably known throughout Work already that you’re some married mans fling.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 April 2018):
So your solution to all this drama and the affair is to RUB it in the wife's face? By sending a picture?
Wow!
How do you break away?
Well, 1. look for another job. Sure, not the easiest solution but being around him 8 hours a day might make it harder for you to NOT fall for his manipulation.
2. Start using your head. Him having a melt down in front of coworkers DO NOT help you in any way shape or form. All it does is SOLIDIFY what YOU are actually doing - having an affair. And trust me, the double standard is high when it comes to WOMEN judging other women - especially someone (like you) who CHOOSES to be a mistress. So... using you head and TELLING him straight up that you can not continue and that HE needs to back off. And then as much as you can, you STAY away from him.
Sending you flowers would be lovely.. if they didn't come from a married guy. I'd suggest if he tries THAT again that you REFUSE to accept the flowers (or anything else he gives you).
3. If you have any vacation time. TAKE it and get a breather from him. BLOCK his number while you are on vacation (even if you aren't leaving your house).
You HAVE to make a choice here, because HE isn't going to. Do you want to be the side-chick? The one that WILL get the "homewrecker" title at some point at work, whose reputation will be dragged through the mud? IS that what you want? IF not have some flipping BACK bone and tell him NO, NO, NO. It's OVER. and then you stick to it. You don't go jump in his bed or invite him into yours.
You CAN do it.
Just RECALL how you felt when his CHILD!!!! Facetimed him. Missing her daddy! That should help steel you to CHOOSE not to BE in an affair.
WANT more for yourself than fucking someone else's husband!
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