A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone.I've been with my boyfriend for a little under 3 years (I'm 25 and he's 28) and things haven't been too good of late. I say of late, probably about a year..!From the moment we met he made it clear to me that settling down and starting a family in time was important to him. He had a pretty bad upbringing as a child, his mother was into drugs and his father in and out of prison. He has little contact with them now and I don't blame him because they never made the effort to get themselves sorted and care for him properly when he was a child, so why should he make the effort with them now? He had a miserable childhood because of the two people who were supposed to love and care for him the most were too interested in committing crime!Because of his poor childhood, I can understand why starting a family of his own is important to him, but me on the other hand.. I had a fantastic childhood, great parents and grandparents who loved and adored me, who would do absolutely anything for me. My parents have a nice home and I don't want for anything. They aren't rich, they have "comfortable" money, but they worked damn hard all their lives to provide for me when I was a child, and to pay for the nice things they have, so when I tell my partner that starting a family is not that important to me yet, he gets pissed off. I'm not the most maternal woman out there, and right now I feel like I am not mentally ready to have a baby. He has been nagging me for a little over a year now to get my contraceptive implant removed so we can start trying but I simply do not want to. When I tell him how I feel, he says that he's waited long enough for me to get my head around having a baby and he's not waiting anymore and if I don't get my contraception removed soon, then he is going to leave me. I don't know if I love my partner anymore. When he says he is going to leave me, I break down and cry and beg him not to and I ask him for more time to get my head around having a baby, although I don't want a baby anytime soon. I think I am with him out of habit more than love. I love him, but am not IN love with him, if that makes sense. I don't feel nothing when we kiss, in fact, I don't like to kiss him. I hardly want to have sex with him and if I do have sex with him, its to stop him moaning at me for not getting any. I don't feel a spark when we have sex and I never have. I'm quite inexperienced when it comes to sex, having only had 3 sexual partners, who were my long term boyfriends at the time, all my life, so I don't really know what amazing sex is.. If you ask me, its over rated, but maybe I'm not doing it right?!I am really sorry that this is a long post, but I suppose my actual question that I would like advice on is this :- if me and my boyfriend split up, how will I get over him? I realise I have said that I'm not in love with him but I have been with him almost 3 years. My life will completely change without him in it. I will have to start all over again. I feel a little too old to start dating someone again, and also I worry about my lack of sexual experience if I were to meet someone else. I feel totally comfortable with myself in front of my partner but I don't know if I will feel like that with anyone else? I know he's going to bring up the subject of starting a family again soon and sometimes I think maybe we should try for a baby together, as I don't want to be really old when I become a mother, but should I have one with him even though I feel the way I do about him? Should I wait and try to find someone else in time to become a family with? I am so confused right now. I realise my post may not make a lot of sense to some, but I have been needing to get this off my chest for a while so its just sort of come out in one big blob! I will greatly appreciate any advice that is given to me.Thank you x
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drugs, money, spark, split up, want a baby Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2013): Its a bad idea for him to create a family of his own as a way to heal his childhood pain from not having had a family growing up. It will not work because his lack of resolution to his pain will cause him to mess up his own family when he makes one. He needs to heal his pain and resolve his issues on his own first, with the help of a therapist if need be, before he is emotionally ready to be responsible for imprinting the minds of vulnerable babies and children. I mean think about it. He is pressuring you against your will to have a baby for him. He is using emotional blackmail. Do you think this is how happy normal families are created? As a result of threats and blackmail? These are all highly toxic relationship killers and he is doing them. This shows what kind of family member he is going to be!! Someone like this is going to make the family be dysfunctional. It only takes one dysfunctional person to make the entire family dysfunctional as they react to him. Just as you are becoming dysfunctional too. You already have a glimpse into what being a family with him is going to look like, by how he is behaving today.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (29 August 2013):
 GO home tonight and say
"I am 25 I am NOT ready to have a baby. PUSHING me will not help it only makes it worse. Let me help you pack"
then get the suitcase out of the closet and start putting his clothes in it.
He SAID he was leaving if you didn't have a baby...
just help him be a man of his word.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 August 2013):
 Wow, do not under any circumstances have a child if you do not feel ready or willing. I get it that he want a happy little family of his own, since he didn't have that growing up.
You NEED to end it and walk away, because no one should feel pressured to have a baby in order to stay in a relationship. That is just wrong in every way.
Not wanting a baby doesn't mean you don't love him, but I DO think that him constantly pressuring you erodes anything you might feel for him.
You are only 25 I don't see the big hurry.
And "holding" on to this guy because you aren't sure you will met someone else to start a family with? That is plain wrong.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (29 August 2013):
 Everyone has given you good advice.
I can only add to it by saying you should end it with this man without further delay. He's trying to blackmail you into having a baby, just because he wants one.
Heck, if he's so anxious to have a baby, let him adopt one and he can become a single father! - but I doubt he'd like that option either.
And, hey - he wants you to have a baby with him - where's his proposal to marry you? THAT should come first - get married THEN get pregnant! NOT that I'm recommending it - absolutely not - it would be a disaster with this man!!
And, what's this about being too old to date again? What on earth are you talking about? You're only what, 25? Of course you're not too old to start dating other men - hopefully you'll meet someone you really click with.
You MIGHT miss the current one to begin with, at least a little, but I think once you make the break you'll get over him surprisingly quickly!
To summarize: Show him the front door and tell him not to come back! Good luck!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 August 2013):
 Oh gosh , this is going to sound so bitchy... I have it on the tip of my tongue... I can't hold it in... OK, I'll say it :
for someone who apparently had such an happy , idillic upbringing, you sure exhibit quite a bit of abandonment isues and anxious attachment modality .
I mean, with such a secure upbringing, how is it even possible such a level of insecurity to make you even consider making a bay with this guy ?
You don't want a baby . At least, not now. You don't particularly like the guy, you are not in love with him, he does not attract you sexually. You- I suppose - realize that if he needs to mend his childhood wounds by making a baby, that 's sad but these are HIS wounds, not yours, you are not his therapist trained and paid for medicating him. You basically can't see yourself as happy with him in the long run.
Yet, you'd accept to make this baby with him ( FOR him ).. otherwise he leaves. And let him leave ! You are with him only because of habit, and insecurity, and FEAR. Fear , at 25 !,.. that you are too old for dating !!, won't find anybody else, can't get anything better... I'd say, you are so basically unenthusiastic about this guy that most anybody else will be better and will elicit some more emotion out of you.
The thing about not being able to connect with somebody because you are too sexually unexperienced is absurd- you are not unexperienced, you had 3 partners. That none of them rocked your world sexually,- you know, it takes time and patience and a bit of luck to find your sexual helf apple. Most of all, it takes that you are VERY physically attracted to them to begin with and you are somewhat aware of your sexual wants and needs . Which I suspect it's not the case, you may have ended up with them, as you did with this guy, because they showed you affection, or they needed YOUR affection, or they felt safe and reliable .... which is all super nice, of course, but it's only half of the equation : you need someone you feel STRONG mutual physical attraction with. In general, AND if you have to make babies weith them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2013): please do not give in and have a baby to please him. pregnancy, childbirth&motherhood changes your life forever, and if you're not ready, it's not fair on you or the baby. you're not ready for children, listen to your head. no man who truly cared for you would emotionally blackmail you about contraception like this man is doing. you are right that his childhood issues make him want his own family, but that should be with the right person at the right time, otherwise the mother (you!) pressured into it will not be happy, may grow resentful of him and possibly the child, arguments and possible splitting up follows...not fair on the child, and means he repeats the bad family experience he had as a child. Don't do it to the child or yourself. This man needs help from a therapist to deal with his childhood issues before thinking of starting a family himself. Please consider leaving him asap. The pressure he is putting on you is unacceptable. Leave him to work on himself and find someone who wants the same as him at the same time. You're young, intelligent, lots going for you...go and enjoy life as a single girl with no childcare responsibilities. There will be plenty of other guys! And one day, you'll be with the right man and it'll be the right time to have kids (although you may find you never want them, which is ok too!). The best thing for everyone is splitting up now. Be strong.x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2013): There is such thing as an amazing sex. unfortunatelly, men who know what they are doing are a rare find.
Though there is such thing as good sex keep in mind that after the first couple years feeling goes away, and passion that you felt in a beginning almost always diminishes.
If you are looking for everlasting passion, I am affraid it's not going to happen. But if you don't feel anything toward your boyfriend and never did that could be trouble.
Anyway, the way he is pressuring you is not good. Plus you are still very young,women nowadays don't even want to think about kids until they are 30
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2013): You should break up with him and for goodness sake don't even think of having a baby with him!
You need to get out of this relationship now before you completely lose all perspective. You're actually considering having a baby you dont want, with a guy you don't like. This is nuts! It sounds like you will go to any lengths to avoid being alone and single. This is very unhealthy. You need to break up with him now before he wears you down even more to where you lose the last shred of perspective you still have.
How will you get over him? You don't even like him, so it will not be too devastating. You just give yourself time and don't worry about the future. You were only with him for 3 years, that's not a long time. People have left their relationships and marriages after 25 years. I know many friends who divorced after 20 years marriage and "started over " in their 40s and 50s and went on to meet new people and marry again. So don't think you're too old, you have decades of life ahead of you. Since you don't even like him all that much this is more about your insecurities about meeting new people than about missing him as a person, so I think you will get over him just fine.
Don't conpromise your entire future just because you don't want to endure a temporary discomfort and unease in the present.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 August 2013):
 He is not the one. Read your post over again in a day ir two, and you will see. Staying with him will be a mistake.
PS. You are not inexperienced just because you only had three partners. PPS. And, there is such a thing as great sex, but you havent had the right chemistry/emotions for neither of these partners.
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A
male
reader, anonymus2012  +, writes (29 August 2013):
im sorry but if you dont love him to spend the rest of your life with him then you have to let him go. he wants to settle down, you are not ready yet. so dont waste your time and his time and stop it and have a clean break with no hard feelings.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (29 August 2013):
 Definitely, DEFINITELY do not have a baby with a guy that you feel this lackluster about! You're young, there's no need to rush into having a kid and there's no need to just 'settle' for some guy that you aren't excited about. If you stay with this guy, you will just be settling and you'll regret it down the road - always wondering what if, and wondering what being with a guy who you have real passion and chemistry with is like... you don't want that. At least, I certainly don't want that for you!
My other question - if this guy is so desperate to have kids, where's the ring? It seems he's more excited about children than YOU.
You shouldn't have a child if you don't feel ready. And you definitely shouldn't have a kid just to placate your nagging boyfriend, like you do with your sex life with him. But having sex to shut him up is one thing - having a baby is entirely another. It's not fair to you and it's CERTAINLY not fair to a baby!
If you have a baby, you'll be trapped. Don't do this to yourself. You are too young to be stuck with someone who you're not in love with. Though it will be painful to leave the comfort, familiarity and security of your relationship, you will be so much happier down the line.
Only have a baby when you're excited about having a baby, and when you're with someone who you are excited about being tied to for the rest of your life.
You can do better than this. Good luck, sweet!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (29 August 2013):
 If a boyfriend forces me to change my contraceptive methods, I will fall out of love too. You have opposites backgrounds and maybe that's why he's attracted to you but you shouldn't have to complete change your life to suit his.
You have listed things that made you want to stay. I look at them and I think to myself you are not going to stay. You are not having amazing sex because you had never clicked with anyone. Having obligatory sex is miserable, way more miserable than single life. Okay maybe you don't need screaming orgasms every time, but at least do it with someone you are in love with.
You are not crazy about him so getting over him should be easier than most. You are still very young. There is time to start over again. What you have to deal with is the adjustment, and your reactive mind to the fear of the unknown.
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