A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupids,I'm at a major crossroads.. I was seeing a guy for 10 years..We broke up and remained friends..Great friends..No bad feelings.. I adore him and our friendship. He was an emotional boyfriend-always saying he loved me etc,still makes me laugh out loud and we both still care about each other alot. We broke up for a number of reasons- mainly because he loved to party too much and wasn't there for me in my darkest hour (I was diagnosed with depression and social anxiety 5 years ago) and his partying meant that I spent a lot of time alone.. I began seeing someone else sometime after we broke up, who 'funnily' enough is quiet similar..We (I feel) haven't connected on a deep and meaningful level..He doesn't like "emotional" conversation..I'm hoping that comes in time! I'm the first person he's ever told he loved.I adore this new guy..despite his fear of commitment, want to travel and at times his selfish behaviour. We haven't been 'together' for the last 4 months as he's been travelling. We both felt it would be better to break up.(I was heartbroken)I haven't been with anyone. He says he hasn't either.. He comes home in 2 weeks and I'm excited/nervous/scared about seeing him. we've had our ups and downs too... Sometimes I feel like it's pointless trying to work on this relationship as he has "no interest in settling down right now" and the lack of emotions sometimes leaves me empty, in a state of insecurity and uncertain as to his intentionsMy ex (of 10 years) called me tonight, to tell me he wants me back, He'll do anything. Realizes his mistakes and wants a second chance. He wanted everything..marraige..babies..and all with me..(and still does) It's completely thrown me...my head is awash with doubt. There are massive pros and cons for both men..I know ultimately I need to make a decision, but I'm so not sure what to do. Has anyone here had this problem and can advise... thank you so much for reading..love and happiness x
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (29 August 2013):
 OP you said: “.He doesn't like "emotional" conversation..I'm hoping that comes in time!”
Usually in the beginning what you see is the BEST you ar going to get… if he’s not into emotional conversations early on, then it probably won’t get better in time
He has a fear of commitment, he wants to travel and at times he’s selfish… and for four months he’s been absent from your life
New guy is not for serious work.. he’s fun and games and he’s made that clear.
OLD guy… wants a second chance…
My take… if you still have those types of feelings for the old guy you could “start from scratch” and let him court you and see how it goes… but do not commit to anything yet,.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your responses... I really appreciate the advice!
I will take all opinions on board for sure.
I wish you all love and happiness x
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 August 2013):
 Not being emotionally invested, I can't say I see any massive pros in either guy.
Funnily enough- to quote you- you had to break up with the first guy because he was always partying, leaving you alone a lot, and not being there for you when you needed him ( and it must have been BAD if you reokved to do that after 10 years !)... and right after you end up with someone quite similar : this time it will be travelling rather than partying, but he too is / will ber leaving you alobe a lot and most of all is not emotionally there for you and not fulfilling your needs for emotional intimacy - just like the other guy.
I'd say that's time to go for some all different kind of guy !
Anyway, the newer one is off the race, he is not looking for a committe relationship, and there is nothing to work on, or to fix, he is simply not interested in the same type of relationship you'd like.
The first one, on paper, shows more potential. It's just to be seen if he HAS actually changed so radically to be compaatible with your wants and needs. HAS changed already, on his own, because " I will change for you " are among the most overused and less realistic world being uttered . I suppose that , if you proceed with caution, you could give him the chance he has become different... but keep your expectations reasonable. And do not forget that exes are exes for a reason...
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (29 August 2013):
What's wrong with dating both?
However it sounds to me that the new guy is just not a good fit. If you question the relationship now, imagine how you'll feel after 10 years of marriage (or 20!). One of the reasons marriages fail so much is people don't consider the fact that marriage can be very difficult and you don't only need love, you need a good deal of compatibility to have a shot at a lifetime of happiness.
If the new guy leaves you feeling empty I don't see the point in continuing.
On to your previous ex: date him and take it slow. Don't jump into bed. Don't jump into his arms, don't move in together too soon, etc. Let the relationship naturally re establish itself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2013): The one man is telling you he does not want a commitment. He is being honest. I would give the ex a chance to work on the relationship, communication etc.most guys do not like to discuss emotions. You have a better chance of a good future with the one who wants to get back together. Hopefully, he will follow up with action.
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