A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:im pregnant and worried about by boyfriends anger. been to the doctor as he has hit me in the stomach and i am worried bout hurting my baby. my friends say i should leave him! i don't know what to do. please help Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): Thanks for updating us. Good decision you have made, and I wish you the best of luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou for your answers. i am on my way out so im leaving him. the baby isnt in suh good health but we will get through. im due in 2 weeks. thank you for all ur support and answers.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (8 February 2010):
 Fine, stay with the guy, I mean at least you have 5 days out of 7 that you don't have to fear for your and/or your baby's life. Who cares that he's wandering around knocking up other women? At least you know that when he there beating you up 2 days a week he isn't out screwing someone. Is that the answer you are looking for?
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female
reader, Unknown0311 +, writes (8 February 2010):
Goodness. I hate to say this, but you're asking for advice, and every time we say something you keep making excuses for him. And the excuses that you’re giving aren’t really helping your argument, they’re making it worse! We would all love to see you do the right thing for you and your child, but it doesn’t seem like you want to leave him. So I ask, and please don’t be offended, I understand this is hard for you, but if you aren’t willing or wanting to change things then why are you writing here? What is it you’re looking for? If you won’t leave him, won’t tell him to get counseling, you won’t get help for yourself since you don’t believe you have a situation or problem here, what is it that you are looking for from dearcupid.org? Give us the right questions so that we may help you. You can't expect change without doing some changing yourself, so how can we help you do that?
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female
reader, Ich_liebe_dich  +, writes (8 February 2010):
 God" Dear we are just trying to give our best advice to you here. And i have a feeling everybody has a diffirent writing but in the end i see that we are in the same thoughts. So its up to you now if you will take the advice or not. Everbody here is only concern to you and your coming baby. But what ever we do here if you think this Man still have a reason that you wont leave him then be it. Somebody say's it is US who made our own faith... So i wish you good luck....
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female
reader, Accountable +, writes (7 February 2010):
 Try to look at it this way - if your friend, or sister, or mother, was in a relationship with somebody who hit her and lied to her, you would want them to end that relationship, wouldnt you? Especially if they had children/were pregnant and were therefore risking a childs safety as well as their own. Plus you say he has a child who is one and you have been going out for three years, so you can add cheating to the list - why continue to put up with him?
I know its hard to distance yourself from your own situation, and you obviously have feelings for this man, but you have to look at things rationally, and think about the welfare of your baby. Should it have to grow up with an abusive father?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 February 2010):
 So let's do the math, 50 to 100 times a year, he goes off his head?
How many times does it take for him to potentially harm you or your baby?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe drinks like once or twice a week
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 February 2010):
So whenever he drinks he goes out of his head. So he is very likely to do something very bad while drunk, hurt you or the baby or worse, and it would be explained away, "oh, he was drunk." Is that okay with you? I don't think so, because you wrote in. Your friends, who love you and want the best for you, see that he is not good for you.
Most people when they get drunk, get stupid and fall down, after acting like goofy idiots. Violent people get angry and hit when they are drunk. Your guy is violent. This is not okay.
I expect he's not always the nicest guy when he's sober. Does he have a couple of drinks every evening or every other evening?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiontisha-1 he is not often drunk but when he does he is out of his head. but i get drunk (not when im pregnant of course) and i can get very drunk when i do.
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female
reader, ~Maureen +, writes (6 February 2010):
There you have it-by popular consensus. The guy is an evil loser. You already knew that. You just needed confirmation.Let us know if you are strong enough to save yourself and your baby. Pray for strength if you're not.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 February 2010):
I'm still waiting for an answer...
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female
reader, Accountable +, writes (6 February 2010):
How can you not recognise that this guy isnt good for you or your child? He's hit you and your baby, lied about something as huge as having other children (as you just found out), is clearly irresponsible and is manipulating you into staying with him by making false statements of love, but this is somehow acceptable behaviour because he only does it in violent moods/when hes drunk?
If he cared about you at all he would find a way to deal with his anger which couldnt result in him killing his baby, and would sober up. That is the truth of the matter. Dont let yourself be emotionally or physically abused anymore - take control, for the good of your baby's wellbeing, and your own.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2010): so he's the 'bestest person in the world' when he isn't drunk, but he drinks, right? and he also hit you and he has cheated on you and had another child with someone else, yet he is the 'bestest person in the world?'
you are not thinking for yourself. he is all of these things:
1)dangerous. it doesn't matter why or when. he is dangerous. he makes threats to your life when he is supposedly drunk. so, what if you leave him when he's sober and then he goes to kill you when he's drunk? have you thought about that, hmmmm?
2)violent. he has hit you while you are pregnant.
3)a cheater and a liar. he has had a kid with another woman while you are together.
please think for yourself and your baby. quit rationalizing how great he is when he isn't being a threatening monster. do you see that his bad side is also him? he is not just a half of himself. the good and the bad live in him. do get counseling. find a way to get away from him where he will never find you again, and your child will also be so better off. kids raised in the company of violent drunk men usually don't turn out that well. it's a very difficult life for a child to experience, especially when the mother justifies all of the monstrous and selfish things the father does. do you see what I'm saying, or are you going to realize this 10 or 20 years down the road when he has hurt you or possibly killed you, and your kid is so messed in the head they hate themselves, resent you for staying and defending such a type of man, and hate and fear their father who is abusive?
don't let fear force you to stay. get away and make sure he will never ever find out where you are. you will regret it sooner than later, and so will your child, if you don't. i'm being completely serious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 February 2010):
How often is he drunk?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionfanks. i dnt need a counslier now. he was drunk wen he said it, just found out !! y is every1 saying i should leave him beacuse he is the bestest person in the world wen he isnt drunk. should i still leave him. please be sympathetic as ive just foung out he has a child that is 1 that i didnt no about and we haf been going out for nearly 3 years now!! confused with life
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 February 2010):
Hi, I think you should talk to people who are experienced in helping people in your situation. You are feeling threatened and scared by this man and I think you should contact this organization right now, at this number: Womens Aid-The premier resource for domestic violence and sexual abuse against women and children in the UK. It hast a massive range of support services from “safe refuges” for those most at risk to just plain old sound advice. The site is awesome but friendly and welcoming so not surprising some victims feel more reassured just visiting it.
http://www.womensaid.org.uk
0808 2000 247 (Freephone)
Please contact them right now and let us know what they advise after you have spoken with a counselor there.
Good luck, and take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionim scared to dump him as he said he will kill me and the baby if i leave him. now wat should i do ???? please help me
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female
reader, stephanie,jayne +, writes (1 February 2010):
I understand that you probably love this man and your having his baby and that you would like to forgive and forget and hope that he doesnt do it again but the truth is that there is a 99.9% chance that he will hit you again, or worse!! It is your responsability to keep your unborn baby safe now and after it is born!! You need to find the courage to leave this man as soon as possible! Stay with a family member or a friend for the time being and make it completley clear to your boyfriend that you want nothing more to do with him and that under no circumstances will he be allowed to see your child unsupervised once its born! if he truly loved you he wouldnt harm a hair on your head! You will find a man who is worthy of you and your baby one day but untill then focus on yourself and the baby! Once you give birth and hold that baby in your arms so helpless and tiny, you wont need a looser like your ex!!! xx
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female
reader, lauraly +, writes (1 February 2010):
 tell him that he needs to go get some help first, and if he's truely sorry and really wants to be a good dad and a good man then he will do it. but if he says no, then don't back down! You have no choice now you have to be strong, your a mother now, and also if you'r having a girl? and you found out her boyfriend was hiting her even once you would probley kick his ass, at least i would being a parent! Good luck, and don't ever let him put his hands on you again, your worth more than that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2010): So, as long as he hits you when he's feeling violent, it's okay? A lot of people feel angry and violent from time to time, but most of them don't hit pregnant women in the stomachs! Most people know feeling violently/angry isn't an excuse to physically hurt someone! So what if he's nice? There are alot of nice people who also manage to actually control their actions when they feel anger. That is truly the definition of nice, but a dude who feels he has a right to hurt you when he feels bad inside isn't truly 'nice.' Ughhhhhhhhh! And the ADHD...still not an excuse for anything. So many people have disorders but still manage to control themselves when it really counts!!!!! This violence toward you and your baby is probably a tip of a huge violent and unpleasant iceberg. Stop your relationship with him now before he hurts you and the baby worse. His excuse is pathetic and is all the more reason to avoid him. The fact that you make excuses for him only will enable him to mistreat you even worse, as well as your child if he is around it alot. Seriously, he's sorry, but he was feeling violent, so he hit you, and therefore it's okay?!!!!? Just pure bullsh*t.
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female
reader, lauraly +, writes (31 January 2010):
i was in a relationship like that at one time, he strangled me, kicked me in the head back stomach whil ei was pregnate! he's not going to change and it will be worse when te baby is born, trust me i know from experince, i just left my ex and it took 4 years and a3 year old that has aggression problems and anger problems from watching his mom and dad fight, he also abused me when i was pregnate with my second son. All these people on here are giving you good advice and your just blowing what they say off, making excuses for him and his actions, well let me tell you something and you may not like wat i say but it true. if you stay with him you will hear a thoundsand sorrys, because you'll just keep forgiving him, and then tat day will come that either you get hurt badly, or your child gets hurt in the middle of it. like i said i know, then children service gets involved, police get called. it's a mess, and i can almost promiss these things will eventully happen. You want to be a good mom, well part of being a good mom is protecting your cild, even from dad if you have to. and you need to grow up and relize that its not a good sitution for you and your child, and stop giving him excuses, that makes him get away with it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe regrets hitting me now as he was in a violent mood. he wants to be a father to this baby and stay with me. what should i say?
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (31 January 2010):
Sweetie, I know you love him, but he punched you in the stomach and could have killed your baby. That doesn't make him a good father. That makes it that he almost killed your baby. I know you don't want to go, and I know you hope it will get better, but you need to leave, or you will be the one holding a dead baby in your hands feeling guilty that you didn't go when you had the chance.
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female
reader, Unknown0311 +, writes (31 January 2010):
He has anger issues and needs helps. That is the bottom line. You need to think of yourself and your baby. If you do not want to leave him and don't see it as an option then he needs to get help. Men DO NOT HIT PREGNANT WOMEN IN THE BELLY! He isn't a nice man if he does that. You can't be a nice person besides when you're angry. That is a side of him, a part of him. If you are too embarrassed to tell your family because you don't think you will leave him and don't want to create conflict in your family --- that is not logical thinking... Reverse this. What if this was happening to someone else in your family? Wouldn't you want to know? To help? Would you really support them staying with them? Anger Management or something! But your first priority is your safety and the safety of your child. Don't wait for him to do this again and really damage your child before you leave or get help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2010): It doesn't matter how nice he is when he's nice if he hits you. You have to walk away. I can't imagine what more he could do if he has actually hit your unborn baby. This behaviour is unnaccpetable and you are being irresponsible as a parent if you choose to stay with him. This is about the safety of your child now, not how much you like him. The baby is the priority.
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female
reader, ~Maureen +, writes (31 January 2010):
All the posters are correct dear girl. When a man is able to punch the person he claims to love, he has shown himself to be a liar. What kind of man hits women? A loser who will never to able to control his base nature. He has a baby with another woman, got you pregnant and you think you can trust him in your life with the baby?!?
You know what to do. Save yourself and your little boy or girl and get the hell away from him. Totally remove him from your life! File a police report. Get a restraining order of protection against. Tell your family.
Men who spread their seed around, fathering children to women who they don't marry are not "good fathers." They do qualify for being called sociopaths or malignant narcissists. That's upbringing deficiencies for ya! How can men like that be good fathers when they were obviously raised in a sick environment?
I hope you & your little innocent one are safe!
~Maureen
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male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (31 January 2010):
What, this guy is going around KNOCKING up women he's not married to and he's a 'good father' - are you totally insane? What the hell happened to people understanding the roles of parenthood? You need to seriously the consequences of all your actions, dating guys who already have kids by other single females, having sex, getting pregnant, and having kids...
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni want to do whats best but he is a good father. i know this as he has a son with another woman. you all say i should leave him but he is a very nice person when he isnt angry. still confused on what to do
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male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (31 January 2010):
 I know you love him, and you think he loves you, but it dosen't alter the fact that he hit you. He hit you in the stomach, deliberately trying to hurt you and the baby.
He might be the best man in the world, when he is being nice. You might even think that if you behave nicely all the time, and do what he wants, he will change.
Forget it.
Once he hits you, AND GETS AWAY WITH IT, you are in for a rough ride.
I dont fancy your chances with both him and a newborn baby.
Leave.
Now.
If you want you and your baby to be healthy, do it.
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female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (31 January 2010):
 Leave him. There are no other choices.
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female
reader, lauraly +, writes (31 January 2010):
The father of my son was hte same why, but he drank with it. wen i was pregnate he was drunk and chocked me on the staires, i almost died, but i bit his lip through in last desperation! And then came the sorrys days later or so, but it never stoped, i stayed with him, and had my son, and e continued to drink and break things punch holes in the walls, and even hit me, and i hit him back, and while all this was going on our son watced! and that is even worse, when i was pregnate with my second son he beat me and kicked me in the back ribs and head one night, beat me so bad i was vomitting. And i stayed with him, our first son is 3 and because he watched us fight for the first 3 years of his life he has anger problems. I left him finely, but the damge was done to david, and we've been apart for 7 mnts and davids still learnig how to handle problems without anger So my point is te chanch his anger will stop is rare, it will probley get worse after te baby is born, due to added stress, and you don't want your baby to see that, or get urt while he's mad and you two are fighting, because with children, anything can happen in secounds.
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (31 January 2010):
Still leave him and tell your family you're pregnant. Don't feel bad. You'll feel even worse if he hits you and kills your baby,
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2010): Honey, leave him. Now
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni feel bad about leaving him as he has adhd and no one in my family knows yet. what should i do??
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female
reader, Ich_liebe_dich +, writes (31 January 2010):
Run.... run as fast as you can.... Leave him........
You have a better life in the future together with your baby..... Angers problem is not an excuse for any matters.. if he cant stand the coming responsabilities infront of him. he must be honest to him self" and live alone with his drama thinking. not hurtting you physically and the baby......... Run... do it for your self and for your baby..... good luck
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (31 January 2010):
You need to leave him. A punch to the stomach can kill a baby, and the stress you feel around him will cause the baby to feel stress as well. You mist leave, even if it's just to go to a hostel.
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female
reader, Unknown0311 +, writes (31 January 2010):
Gina is right. And chances is are it will get worse. If he is having these problems now how is he going to react to the stresses of having a new born in the house?
I know this is really hard to do. If he's physically abusive I can only assume he's mentally abusive as well. Gina suggested Women aid or your family. I suggest both. Once you make this decision you can't go back..No matter how much he apologizes or promises to change. And that is the hardest part. Speak to a counselor or go to a group meeting for support as the best reminder that you are doing the right thing even when you start to doubt yourself. He needs to go to anger management and get help for himself before he is going to be able to help you or be a father to your child. Be strong and do what you know is the right thing to do.
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reader, greg290352 +, writes (31 January 2010):
 There is only one course of action to protect both yourself and the baby get out now!!! Have known bad things happen to girls who stayed in violent relationships. There is no excuse for what he did to you. Contact a refuge if you have nowhere to go. Good luck
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