A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend gets nasty and angry if I don't spend the night staying over with him every weekend and refuses to come over to see me and take me out for the day because I wont do what he wants which is stayover and have sex all night and day. the reason I don't like it is once I go there he doesn't seem to want to do anything else but stay in bed and it makes me feel awful to be honest. I don't know what to do anymore every weekend I feel pressure to do what he wants can someone give me some advice. I feel the relationship revolves around sex to him and its starting to get to me and feel unhealthy how forceful and nasty he is about it. now he doesn't want to see me tomorrow because I wont stay over at his house on the weekend. Im starting to feel like I am on a sex conveyor belt for him. I can never stay over and just relax its always about sex..is it me or him ? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2019): OP - well he says he loves me and misses me then goes mad because I wont stay over I say why cant we go out for the day and he don't want to know because he wont get sex. now he wants us to end it again.
I am reading the book why do men do that and it is very helpful thanks for suggesting and all the advice has helped me so much. I was always under the impression abusive men didn't realise what they were doing and I thought it was because they had an abusive life. but I realise now they know exactly what they are doing and feel entitled to treat women how they want badly. this is my second abusive relationship and I don't know why they seem to come to me for some reason as I grew up with an abusive father maybe that's a part of why I have stayed so long thinking its normal behaviour
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2019): OP - I deleted his number as he asked but he now is saying he still loves me and misses me after so much verbal abuse and being dumped I couldn't sleep at all and now he says that its hard to let me go. I feel so confused I don't understand myself why do I still love and miss him
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2019): You cant stop crying, not just because you feel that you have lost someone you thought was going to be someone great, but because you have just been through some horrible abuse from a horrible man. I know he must have seemed as if he was wonderful at first and there are things about him that you miss, but when you understand that even the nice part of him was just to get you hooked on him so that you would hang on and stay and hope for the best, so he could abuse you some more, hopefully you will start to see him for what he really is. This is about a lot more than just being with someone you are sexually incompatible with. If you end up in a relationship with someone you're sexually incompatible with, and you're with a nice, reasonable man, then you will both just deduce that you are not right for each other. It will not result in violence, coercion and threats. This man is 100% abusive. From the start. He's not a nice guy who just likes a lot of sex. He is ABUSIVE.Thank your lucky stars that you got out of there with no physical injuries. The injuries you are suffering from at the moment are psychological ones that come from being abused. You are crying all the time because your body knows what it has been through, even if you are not aware that you have been abused. Please read up on abuse, especially 'Why Does He Do That? by Professor Lundy Bancroft. He is an eminent psychologist who worked with men on a one to one basis when they were facing court for abuse to try to get them to mend their ways. After 15 years he came to the conclusion that this is RARELY possible and he came to learn all of their tactics of abuse (Sexual being one of them, such as you have just experienced) and he shares them with those who are interested or in need in this book. He writes brilliantly so please read it if you can. It will help you to realise that you have just escaped an awful situation and that nobody should be treated in this way.I have also been abused and have read a lot about it in order to help myself recover. I want to help others recover as well. Being coerced against your will to stay in a bedroom and have sex and then suffer violence and threats and feel scared and worried if you don't, is not a normal relationship. It is a dangerous and abusive one. I'm sorry that you feel so unhappy, but I hope that fairly soon you will realise what a lucky escape you have had and how much more you deserve than this horrible, horrible man.Good luck. Sending hugs xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2019): OP - well today he has dumped me and called me all the names he can think of and told me to never contact him again. problem is I cant stop crying
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (31 October 2019):
 Grabbing and throwing are abuse indicators. This has gone from annoying to dangerous. Get him into anger management. The rest of your follow up tells me you do need to work on the needs balance of the relationship. I still recommend that book. https://www.amazon.com/His-Needs-Her-Building-Affair-Proof/dp/0800719387/ref=sr_1_2?crid=242B5UUS41I3R&keywords=his+needs+her+needs+book&qid=1572537083&sprefix=his+%2Caps%2C194&sr=8-2
your partner need to take this seriously.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 October 2019):
 Have you TOLD him that you MISS how it used to be? Doing things together OUTSIDE of the bedroom?
I don't think it's EVER OK to bully someone into giving in or giving you what you want, THAT isn't LOVE, OP. That is SELFISH. HE is selfish.
And I get that you have a 3 year history with him and it USED to be mutually GOOD, not it's ALL about HIM and HIS needs. THAT isn't LOVE either, it's selfish.
Yes, if you broke up you would miss him. For a while. But you wouldn't MISS feeling "bullied" into sex or feeling like YOUR opinion/wants/needs don't matter.
He is not only being a bully he is turning ABUSIVE. THAT isn't love either, OP
YOU have to decide DO I want to stay with a man who TREATS me this way or not. WE can not "fix" him. YOU can not fix him. THIS is who he is or who he has CHOSEN to be. HE WILL NOT change. He is expecting YOU to do all the change. To conform and obey. That isn't LOVE either. That is a frigging dictatorship.
Are you willing to risk your health and life with someone who COULD turn on you, physically? Because he isn't getting his way?
Life is too darned short to keep such a person in your life! Good memories or not.
And the whole "I love him" - OK, you can love someone and NOT be with them because they aren't good FOR you or to you.
It's your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2019): OP-
I have been asked to explain why I wont let him go?
Well I have been seeing him for three years now every week and I feel still in love with him I do miss him when we are apart which must sound crazy.
I guess I am really physically attracted to him but find his personality impossible to deal with which is making me lose attraction for him.
I have many good memories too of going away together travelling with him but always seems his obsession with sex is draining our relationship dry to the point I don't know how to continue with it anymore. I feel sad about this as I do feel happy when I cuddle him like a complete feeling I have never felt with anyone and I do enjoy sex with him its just the amount is not really sustainable long term I don't think and I know he will always want this amount and more than the sex its how he gets so angry about it and has swore at me, physically grabbed me by my jacket when angry, threw a shoe at me which missed and often walks away from me in public
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (31 October 2019):
 I understand if you are afraid of leaving him because you won't find someone else but I think you need to accept that the two of you don't want the same things. Sometimes its better to be alone and happy than to be with someone who makes you unhappy.
He's treating you the way he is because you have been going along with it. He knows you'll give in so he runs with it. So stop playing the game. Get out. End it, block him and move on. If you want to be involved with someone, I'm sure you can do better. Good luck and don't think about what you are losing..think about what you could be gaining.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (30 October 2019):
I'm saving up for a vacation to the UK. I've got to find out what these forty plus men are taking so they can perform so much. I read these posts and I'm thinking 20-25, maybe 30, then I look and it's 41-50. All night and all day. The only thing my body can do that long is have muscle aches.
I agree with the majority opinion. You aren't compatible. Everyone has emotional needs. Sure sex is one of them, but your emotional needs are just as important to a successful relationship. You haven't really said what your needs are. Going out for a day sounds like Quality time. It could also be companionship. The old book His Needs, Her Needs is a good guide to this and would help you find a better match.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2019): The solution is simple. Dump him!
There is no advice we can offer you that will magically transform him into somebody he isn't. He treats you the way he is allowed to treat you. You permit him to.
Care to explain why you won't let him go?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2019): Nothing wrong with weekends spent in bed having sex every now and then but if that is all he wants to do he is using you end of. You resent how you are being treated, he doesn't care, time to get rid
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 October 2019):
Why not simply ACCEPT that you two are not a good fit?
YOU want company, do things together, get out of the house and DO what MOST couples do...
HE just wants you to deliver your vagina at his door so he can have sex on demand for the weekend.
He sounds like a selfish dick and I'd drop him and look for someone who is more in tune with what YOU would like to do on your days off, besides just sex. Sex is great, don't get me wrong, but that doesn't mean you can't go out for a meal, a movie, a walk, or cook together and watch a movie at home.
And I agree THIS IS ALL ON YOU.
When you give up and give in (because it's EASIER) then someone like him will WALK all over you and he does. He knows that he just has to treat you like shit and you will obey.
Are you that desperate to have a BF that you will ALLOW someone to treat you this way?
If you are NOT OK with it, then wish him well, block all contact and MOVE ON!
This will NOT change. HE will not change. Why would he? You cave in when he acts like a bully. Because he IS a bully.
Want more for yourself from a relationship then to be some dude's human blow up doll.
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A
female
reader, AnnieV1979 +, writes (30 October 2019):
 I think what you want here is validation and that's okay.
You deserve better! If he's your age-ish, he ought to be more mature than he's being, but he's not. What are you doing to be allow his treatment? Continuing to associate with him. Cut him off and consider it a blessing.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (30 October 2019):
It’s quite obvious from the way you have written this that you know that this man is just using you for sex. Why are you allowing this to happen? Why are you letting yourself be treated like that? Has he already chipped away at your self-esteem so much that you think that this relationship that makes you feel awful is better than no relationship at all?
He doesn’t care about you. He might tell you that he does but he doesn’t have a healthy attitude to relationships if he thinks it’s all about sex, or perhaps he just doesn’t have the interest in you to put in the hard slog that a good relationship needs. This will only get better if you walk away from him.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (30 October 2019):
 Is it you or him? It's YOU. YOU are allowing him to treat you this way. YOU keep going back for more, despite how he makes you feel. YOU are choosing to stay in this relationship. You can't change HIM but you CAN change YOU.
I can see what HE gets from this relationship. He gets free sex each week-end. What do YOU get from it? I ask because there is nothing good mentioned in your post. Why do you fear walking away? Do you think being with him is better than being on your own? Do you think you can't do better?
He is not forcing you to do anything. You do not HAVE to agree to his demands. I am guessing you do so to keep the peace and/or not lose him. Sweetheart, let me tell you, he does not sound like any great loss. You CAN do better.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (30 October 2019):
 I don't understand why you are even bothering, he has shown you quite clearly what he thinks of you. Take the weekend he is giving you to do something you actually enjoy, and then block his number and contact details on all your devices.
Just don't go back and don't have him in your life, you are still young enough to find somebody who will be the sort of boyfriend you want.
Just dump him, he sounds horrible.
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