A
female
age
41-50,
*hiannon3
writes:So here I am. I took him back after dumping him for emotional abuse. This time he told me that things were going to change. A week later he was back to his same verbal abuse. This time tho I stood up to him. His five year old daughter was screaming in my face most of the day. He had done nothing. She was shoving my 13 month old baby around. He said she was just expressing her anger when she screamed at us. I didn’t agree. Finally when she was being dramatic about the baby hitting her foot in the walker I told her she was fine. He told me a little compassion please. I said she is being dramatic. He then told the 5 year old I was being a piece of crap. That he was sorry she got hurt. The thing is this kid knows how to play her Dad. I don’t fall for it. Also our baby is not met with the same compassion as he shows he 5 year old. After he said I was being a piece of crap. I said I was leaving. The 5 year old said good I want you to. I said sarcastically yes we are. He looked at me and said get the F out. I said no that we need to talk about things. The way he said things would change. How we couldn’t have a future like this. He came at me and then almost broke my arm while I was holding my 13 month old. He then said “nothing in this house would change”. My question is why did he say all this and try to get back with me and then escalate to physical. I am done now tho.
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female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (17 December 2019):
 It was unrealistic of you to think that things would change this time. He is abusive and that will not change over night, if ever. Do yourself a favour and leave... For good this time. A single you is better than a dead you.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (1 November 2019):
 Why did he do it? Because he's an abuser. You knew that when you took him back. You have a 13 month old. Why be with anyone who is a danger to them?
You shouldn't be telling a 5 year old that they are being dramatic. It hurt her, so you should have compassion. You appear to have resentment for her, which isn't fair - she's a child and doesn't deserve it. She is abused by him too, you know.
Leave him for good. Cut contact. Stop blaming his daughter for things. Don't go back to abusers. Chalk it up to a lesson learned. Please get help if you struggle with the effects of abuse.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2019): He's an abuser. He gets off on humiliation and control and he will never, ever change.
His daughter is a victim of his abuse as much as you are. Try not to channel your frustration at her. She's a child who is only learning what she's seeing.
You need to get out of this relationship as soon as it is safe to do so. And you should really contact a social worker about his behaviour as it is not safe for his child.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2019): Abusers don't change. As you've discovered. Despite what they say to the contrary. He only talked about change to get you back as you now know. Abusive people have no compunction about the fact that they said they would change and then don't. ALL they care about is getting the person they've set their sights on, back into their control and then to carry on exactly as before, because abusive people don't know any other way to behave. They know what they are doing is wrong and unfair but they don't care. They care about control only. So, he got you back and then carried on with the same old behaviour because he was lying when he said things would change, he is incapable of change and abusive people usually have personality disorders which make them incapable of behaving in a way that is beneficial to anyone but themselves.
When you say the five year old knows how to play her Dad, don't forget that her Dad will be using the five year old to further his desire to weaken and control you. Abusive people often use the children to 'gang up' on the person they are trying to abuse. For example to get the child to insult and ridicule the abused person. You KNOW you are with an abusive person when they enrole innocent children in their filthy behaviour, because again, they don't care about anyone or anything other than their wish to dominate, weaken and break you. Abuse often if not always escalates to the physical.
Well done for leaving him. Please stay away. Look upon him as dangerous, as he proved to be when you tried to stand up to him. Read books about abuse too, to help you to spot any abusive man approaching you in the future, because as I know only too well, if you are attracted to this kind of man, they will target you again and again.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (30 October 2019):
 He is acting in the way that controlling abusive men act. They act all sweet and nice to get you to do what they want but they can't hold up the facade for long and before you know it they are back to being what they truly are.
I know..I was married to a man like your partner. Often verbally abusive men become physically abusive as this man has done. I left when my husband (ex) broke my arm. Do NOT go back to him again. Its only a matter of time until he will hurt you terribly or worse yet your child!
Run...run....run
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 October 2019):
 Don't blame the 5 year old, she is reacting to the drama around her. The dram YOU and your "hopefully ex" have created.
KIDS are little sponges that soak it all up and understand VERY little of what is going on except DADDY is mad at this woman so I should hate her too.
5 year old's do NOT understand sarcasm, neither do a lot of grown people. Don't be PETTY to a 5 year old.
Get out of there and take your baby with you. This isn't good for ANYONE. Especially the kids.
And learn from this. Someone telling you "I will change" might mean it in the moment, but it doesn't MEAN they will actually change. Someone who is verbally/emotionally abusive will NEVER change overnight. Same for anyone who is physically abusive.
They can FAKE it for a while but will go back to how they used to be.
YOUR "hopefully ex" couldn't even last faking it past a week!
HE will not change, you can not "TALK" about it or FIX it. HE is who he is. And that is someone YOU don't want to be around or have a baby around.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (30 October 2019):
He’s an abusive bully. He told you things would change because he knew that you’d come back to him. He probably thinks that you will come back over and over again, because that what people in abusive relationships do. The pattern is so familiar: the tears, the apologies, the begging and pleading for forgiveness and the promises of change. And guess what? You’re right back where they want you and they know they don’t have to change at all.
The only way to prove him wrong is to leave and, no matter what he says or does, never go back. Surely you want better than this for your baby? I pity his daughter. That poor child is getting a terrible example from her father about how to treat other people. No wonder she is already so angry. But you need to put you and your baby first. Get out, don’t go back, and don’t persuade yourself that he will change. It’s much too late.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (30 October 2019):
 MY question to YOU is, why did you think things would be any different this time? It is like re-reading a book and expecting a different ending. Just ridiculous and completely unrealistic.
He has now shown you that he is capable of physical as well as verbal abuse. I am not sure I believe your last statement that you are done with the relationship. If you were really ready to leave it, you would not even be bothering asking the question you have asked. You would just write him off as the scumbag he is and move on. The opposite of love is not hate, it is INDIFFERENCE.
I do find it very sad that the children are caught up in the middle of your fights. This could scar them for life. I also sense that there is a lot of resentment on your part towards his daughter, who sounds like she is being a typical 5 year old, caught up in the middle of her mum and dad not being together and trying to get attention/sympathy any way she can. She is FIVE YEARS OLD, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. What do you expect from her? Adult behaviour? For the sake of both children involved, you and their father need to stay apart.
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