A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone! I’m gonna try to keep this as short as possible. I’m conflicted about how I should feel towards this situation and such. So here it is; A little backstory: I’m 20 years old and in my final year of university. It’s a stressful time now as it’s my final year so we don’t get any chances to repeat modules if we failed that module. It’s more of a do or die thing where you either leave with a degree or nothing at all. So recently, my parents and I took on the responsibility to take care of 6 month old nephew (we started caring for him back in August) because my brother is incapable to do so as my nephew suffered a serious injury, so being grandparents, they started taking care of my nephew. As for me, the responsibility sort of just got thrown to me. I’m no parent, I just second guess my way to taking care of him. I try my hardest to do whatever I can to care for my nephew. So anyways, I had a uni requirement to complete some community service over the weekend and my parents have been asking me to return home every Friday to care for my nephew which I’m okay with at the beginning of the academic year as there isn’t much to do yet. However, as the sem has progressed, my workload has increased obviously and I’ve been wanting to stay on Friday in uni to study and prepare for my Jan exams and to finish up coursework. But my parents are still asking me to come back home. The reason why I wanna stay on campus is to work in the library as I feel like there isn’t distractions there and I have a space to work in peace. If I go home, I know for a fact that I would end up doing nothing as I’ll end up just taking care of my nephew and running errands with them etc. I’m starting to get frustrated as they seem not to understand what is at stake here. Like I really wanna get good grades as I plan to further my studies to take a masters degree, so the grade is really important to me. The situation that has pushed me over the edge is that they expected me to drop what I need to do to settle some bank stuff which they can do easily without me. I got really upset because it’s been going on for weeks and every week I was home and they didn’t say anything about the bank issue until the very last day when it’s due to settle. I told them I wasn’t coming home cuz of that because I wanted to study. I have too much going on in uni for me to just drop everything and go home. It’s just a big no for me now. And it’s hard as well because when I get home, the baby will be thrown to me and I don’t get to do my uni work or study. And even though they said they won’t disturb me, I put it to the test the other day. At the end of it, my parents just left him to me and trying to get my dad to even watch him for a few mins so I could use the restroom was hard. And by the end of the day, I’ll be super exhausted from taking care of him that all I wanna do is rest at night. Sigh. I feel bad for telling my parents no this time round but I feel like it was the right thing to do for myself. For some reason, they’re not getting it that my studies are like my priority right now. I want to do well. They want me to do well, but they’re not doing anything to support/help me to do well. It’s the same thing, I go home, I end up doing nothing cuz I hve to care for my nephew and they’ll make me do errand with them and I get that they want to have a break from caring for my nephew but I’m just not in the position or mindset to do the caring now. Maybe because I’m asian chinese and saying no to parents is not really in my blood but now it’s like a point that I HAVE to say no. I’m super stressed, I need to study cuz there’s so much to study for exams. I’m freaking out and I have community service to do. It’s insane right now. And they don’t get it. And even if I try to tell them how much I have going on, they’ll compare me to my cousin who’s working and doing his masters and they’ll say if he can do it and he works, why can’t you? They don’t see how everyone’s different and how each person has different struggles. And it’s just infuriating and I just can’t say anything because of how they compare the situations. So now I just keep to myself.To add to the list, I actually do part time work in a retail store on every other weekend to earn some spending money for myself and I teach swimming in uni once a week for pocket money too. So yeah I do have extra things on my plate but I’m surviving. I just can’t keep dropping things for my parents. Cuz I prioritise my studies over other things right now. I used to work a lot more but I’ve cut down for my studies. And I work to gain experience and earn some money of my own etc. It’s for character building for myself (at least I feel that way). Is it normal/okay for me to feel like this? I might sound nasty maybe? I’m not sure to be honest. I just feel frustrated at the fact that they just want to drop my work for their stuff. ?? btw I’ve told them that I want to do work and they just turn like unhappy and went like okay and give me that classic asian Chinese disappointed okay. I know I can’t please them all the time but is it wrong to prioritise my work..? And it’s an ongoing thing, it’s NOT the first time this has happened. Other times I’ve say yes to going home and doing wtv they want. I really try to be a good chinese-asian daughter. If there’s any questions, I’ll try answer them!Thank you in advance...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2019): Adding to what WiseOwlE said, I would suggest you continually reinforce "No" to your parents BUT offer a time-frame around this as a way of negotiating a better deal.Negotiating better deals is something you will, I'm afraid, have to get used to doing as a female - no-one is going to offer you anything on a plate and, unfortunately, you are still likely to receive unequal treatment not just in your family but in the bigger world.Use this situation with your family as a practice model for negotiating. When people keep "knocking on your door" in the way that your parents are, then the best policy is to "let them in" but in the way that you want.So, you could look at your entire calendar for the next academic year and mark out every single day of your study and work and pencil in what they are asking of you on each Friday, up until the point when you do your exams. Add up these Fridays in terms of total days. Maybe it will come to something like 30 days work. Then, offer to do either all or a percentage of these days AFTER your exams are over. So, you could say "By June 28th, all my exams will be over and I can offer you 25 days of unpaid work looking after my cousin. At that time, you could even go on a short trip away for a weekend" Get them into the mindset of how THEY will benefit from having you look after your cousin for this amount of time after your exams are over. EVERYTHING in life is up for negotiation,. Even when people tell you there is no negotiation, there is ALWAYS a way to negotiate - either in ways that are solely for your benefit or which are for the benefit of all involved. Practice makes perfect and starting within the family may be a tough test, but it will be a good one that could set you up for life. Devise your strategy for what you will offer and stick to your guns, negotiate hard. As a female, people expect you to do childcare for free. I even had an electrician bring his kid with him when I asked him to do a paid electricity job for me - and he expected me to look after her for free, just because I was there and because I am a woman - would he have asked a man the same thing? No! Did I use his services - NO!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2019): Well, I guess your parents are deeply entrenched in their old traditional ways. If they're of an old-fashioned mindset that you'll likely marry a successful man, and push-out sons; they're not likely to encourage a westernized-attitude towards life. Tradition pushes the sons ahead of daughters; and if you're progressing ahead of your brother, and showing more ambition, it's likely they'll do everything they can to slow you down. It isn't fair, but it is what it is.
All you really can do is stand your ground from time to time; to allow them a chance to catch up with the fact that you're maturing. You're a strong woman, and it is likely you will always excel over your brother. Be it academically and/or professionally. No matter how traditional they may choose to be; and no matter how much they may try to supress your ambition, or micromanage your progress. Making you feel guilty is what parents do. You can never truly please them; unless you allow them to tell you how to breath, and direct every move you make!
I'm certain they're very proud of you; but they're also worried about how sorry you make your brother appear in comparison. I don't have to tell you about your culture, but in most cultures they push the sons ahead of the daughters. We can't say that isn't true in western culture as well.
Please be loving and compassionate towards the baby; regardless of any resentment you may harbor towards your brother. In many cultures, special needs children are seen as imperfect, an embarrassment, or an inconvenience. I hope you don't adopt these attitudes. No one is trying to make you a mother; but everyone pitches in to help, and offer the extra care a child of special needs requires. In some countries; children who have serious medical-issues, or disabilities, are abandoned or given-up to orphanages. Some are even murdered!
All anyone can do is encourage you, and allow you to vent your frustrations; but we have to be careful about offering advice that is contrary to your culture and tradition. Not only do you have to deal with what your parents demand of you; but you also have to deal with Chinese society and your government. They also set the standards and civil responsibilities expected of you; in spite of what may seem archaic, or a double-standard. What your parents can't control in you, society and social-critics will!
You may have observed less stringent parenting in other households; but you have to deal with YOUR parents. You're also a young-woman not entirely prepared to live independently; so your parents will enforce their traditional way of thinking until that day comes.
I want you to remember this. They are also protecting you from outsiders who are observing you, and spreading gossip and criticism of your family around your community. Yes, neighbors stick their noses in your family-business; and your parents are the ones who get ostracised for not keeping an eye on their "young daughter." It also shines a brighter-light on your brother's shortcomings; which would concern your parents when they face their own parents and elders in your family. You forget, as tradition has it, the elders of the family are also critical regarding how your parents should protect your honor and maintain family-order. Your family's reputation, and the image they project with Chinese society is the reason your parents are so strict and controlling. The worry about what people say. Many of whom will go so far as to confront you themselves; if they think you're too haughty!
The objective is to make sure you're marriage-material! Not become one of those lonely working old-maids, well into her 30's, with no husband!
You won't change them; you'll only bring them around to the fact that you're grown-up, and they won't always be able to boss you around. You may also prove to be much more successful than your brother. Destiny and your hard work will decide that, not your parents!
Trying to hold you back may be futile on the one-hand; and could be forcing you further away on the other. Give them time. You can't always please them. Hang-in there, sweetheart! If you're their youngest, or their only daughter, it will be harder to let-go! Make sure you get plenty of rest and sleep!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2019): From what I have read, you are an amazing young lady, with much love for your family and who has set realistic goals for achieving a successful future! When you must turn down your parents requests, keep you wording as you NEED to study, and not that you WANT to study! Your nephew is not your child. I know that you love him, but if your parents need a baby sitter or and errand runner, they can utilize your brother! If he does not know how to care for his son, he can be trained by your parents, to care for him properly and lovingly! You are not wrong to feel that you are being manipulated and then guilted by your parents! I understand that they want some time free from caring for your nephew, but they cannot gain that freedom at your expense! They agreed to house and care for their grandson, so the responsibility is theirs alone, as they have no right to volunteer your time and services! I know that you will help them when you are able to do so! If they compare you to a cousin, tell them to call him, for help!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2019): I think that you just have to be firm.This is your life and future career at stake here.Lighten up and watch some comedy to take your blues away.Try Ali Wong on YouTube if you want to laugh at everything that's unfair about life.Her favourite line now is : "I have suffered enough!" after giving birth to her own children. You don't need me to tell you that your study comes first.Let mum and dad find someone else to look after the baby.You are needing to complete your coursework and revise for your exams!Mum and dad will soon find a free babysitter in someone else.This isn't about not loving your family!It's about keeping up your grades at university so be very clear that you need extra time at the weekends to stay at university and study.It's a waste of your education if you don't pull out all the stops now to fulfil your study requirements and regularly revise for your exams.Unless of course you can buy degrees online but I wouldn't suggest doing that or you will never learn anything.
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