A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid, I am writing with tears on my eyes 'cause devastated. I will try to make my story short. I met my bf while in college and while in college I acted a little crazy and mess around with a couple of guys. My bf and I were not together at the time, we were just friends. About 3 years ago we started a relationship together. He had always had a problem with my past. He says that I mess around too much and that I was not respected as a woman in college. I had tried everything you could possible do to make him belive that i am not that girl at all and that was just a period of my life that i was wild. (hey I was young). Now for the 100000's times he is giving a hard time about it again.He says that he can not see us in the future 'cause he does not see me as the woman to marry, etc... However, a day pass by and he changes his mind and he wants to be with me and try our relationship...Belive me we've gone through this crisis hundrends of times.. time is running and he stills feels like this. What do I do ...???? please... help.... I love him deeply, but do you think it time to let go...
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male
reader, Mr. Smith +, writes (17 July 2010):
Well allow me to tell you something... it is true the past is past and nothing can be done about it but when things do get serious like marriage and children it plays a really and I mean a really big part.My wife has a really "wild" past and I do not care for it but it has turned our marriage into a living hell regarding our daughter. Last year she came up to us and confessed that she was having an affair with a married man.. I discretely knowing that my wife had done the same just told my daughter that it was wrong and she had to stop this instantly...when my wife talked to her.. my daughter reply was: "what do you care, you were the first one that before marrying dad were sucking on a married guys dick"... it shocked me and hurt me because even though we did reprehend her, my wife had to SHUT UP, look down and just start to weep...So if the relationship is just for fun.. well, so be it but if it is turning into something that will later envolve having children... think about it twice!!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2008): My bf still does it to me even after 10 months. Now to me 10 months is a long time to pretend or act like you care or even love someone..To cut a long story short there are things in my past that he had a right to question purly for the fact that my past was a little colourful to say the least. My early past was sad and misrable so seeking a little happyness came in the form of sleeping around a little with folk i had no intrest in let alone let in my bed...i woke up to this when i meet bf or rather knew all along but didnt no was poss so never sout, so when i meet my bf i new there and then i loved him and woundnt cheat on or treat bad in anyway...Which i can hand on heart say i havent, and wouldnt because i love him so much.... But he on the other hand has behind my back had a vurtual convertations with woman on chat sites arranging to meet them ect...I still dont no if any of this came to light.. Now as far as i saw for a long time before, during and now after, i constantly have to account for every text, male friend(which i dont mind) past realationship every thing usually while ha is surfing porn or texting another lass who is a friend. Bit drunk but no and realise that this aint right.. It has to stop or end.. His para frame of mind has fuilled mine so when ever he is on line i think he is being fly purly because every time he accused me or got para about me it was at same time he aruged with me saying i was doing the stuff that he was doing ie speaking to web cam chicks on live messinger ect.. My advise to myself and anyone else in same boat would be to work it out now or end it.. Its no good to anyone and it clearly aint love.. I love him and somewhere i no and he no's he loves me but he wont change and my past wont change.. I changed because my old life, the past was a stupid cry for love that i still havent got but at same time i no i deserve, want and will get..So bye bye old lif again changes need to be made for future happyness..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2008): Hi there...I'm actually going through the same thing with my boyfriend. I lied about my real "number" when we first got together. He kept asking me over and over and over if that was my real number. Not thinking he had a right to know I kept lying. Well, then he started giving me guilt everyday and trying to pound it on me how important it is to be honest. So, I came out and told him the truth. He flipped. I guess somehow I understand his feelings but really, my past is my past. period. He is getting a bit better but if I even mention a guy, the first question is, 'did you sleep with him" were getting married in 2 months and I can feel myself really wondering if this will be a mistake. ahhhhhh!!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): He's just being a normal male for having these feelings. Deep down he probably wishes he could get rid of them but it's just nature at work.
But he doesn't have a right to treat you like this. If he had a pretty good idea of your past when he first started dated you, then needs to accept it 100% and shut up, or else break up with you.
For those people who complain about the "double standard" of this issue: It's only a double standard if the guy doing the complaining has had lots of casual sex himself. Just because some men are sluts doesn't mean they all are.
I'm a pretty good-looking confident non-religious guy, and I've never slept around at all. Just a few partners in my life. Sometimes if I say something negative about loose woman in a conversation then some female will totally jump on me & criticize me as a hypocrite. It never even occurs to most of them that I might possibly exercise any restraint in this area myself. Women usually don't even take me seriously when I start insisting that I do choose my partners carefully and always have in the past. They just think I'm claiming it to win the argument or something.
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A
male
reader, alexnds +, writes (21 March 2008):
My advice is to end the relationship. You didn't mention how old you are, but it sounds like you are still fairly young and so he is also. He sounds like he is using his own insecurities and making it your problem. In the end, it's not about having feelings from a loved one from the past, but ACTING on those feelings that is an act of betrayal or innonce. There is a great deal of difference between thought and action. Your ACTIONS have shown your loyalty and devotion to him. You are no longer the person you were, but matured and grew up. He didn't: he needs to get more mature and either accept you, and all that is part of the package, past and all, or forget the whole thing. I suggest you make up his mind for him. Separate for 1 year from him ,no matter how much it hurts, and have no contact of any kind. If in one year, he still finds you, it was meant to be. He'll mourn the loss of the relationship and you will as well, but if you do reunite your love, it was meant to be, and if you don't, it was not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2007): I am actually in the exact same situation you are at the moment. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. I was crazy during college and really don't regret a whole lot of it. I made mistakes and I learned from them. When my boyfriend started asking me questions about my past I answered them honestly. Little did I know that this would come back to haunt me later in life. We used to fight a LOT about the differences in my past versus his. In the end what really helped out relationship was giving an ultimatum. I told him if he did this again I would end it. He did and I ended it. Right then and there. It was probably the hardest thing I had ever done. I was in love and we had talked about marriage. He was in shock. He couldn't believe I had actually followed through. After about two weeks he came back and said that he wanted to try and out relationship again. Now, things aren't perfect. But I noticed he does really try to pick his words more carefully and not say things to intentionally hurt me. Even if he hadn't come back my life would have been better off because it is not healthy to go through that type of emotional abuse.
I wish you the best of luck! Don't let someone break you down like that you deserve better!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2007): It sounds to me that you have matured and are getting on with your life, he on the other hand has a hang up with your past, and like you said you were young then, as we all were at one point in time. Your boyfriend has no right to steady put you on trial for something that was in the past. Even in the legal system, a person cannot be tried over, and over for the same crime. I know that you love this guy, but you also need peace, and happiness in your life also, you shouldn't constantly be judged and made to feel bad about your past. I think you should tell him that if he constantly has a problem with it, that maybe the two of you should take a "break" until he feels that it's not a problem anymore, or maybe you should find someone else, who isn't familiar with your past, or can understand that the past is just that, the past. You'll be surprised when you move all negative things out of your life the joy and happiness that you will have.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (9 August 2007):
 With you last response I have to advise you cut bait and run. This relationship sounds way too shaky. Quite honestly he sounds like a jerk. If you don't move on you'll be going over this real estate time and time again. Bah! Life's too short for that crap. Good luck honey.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (9 August 2007):
 to the anonymous poster below who agrees with me.
The real reasons for this double standard are neither societal or rational. They are emotional, driven by genetics. And have an incredibly simple explanation.
Women carry a much higher 'risk' with sex because they get pregnant. Pregnancy is a huge investment in energy, time and resources. Men on the other hand have the option of cutting and running, hence making their side of the investment much less risky.
This 'risk' has lead (over millions of years of evolution) into women being naturally more selective in their sex partners than men. A 'promiscuous mating strategy' makes sense for men from a genetic / evolutionary perspective, but much less so for women. It is just basic biology.
This leads us to have natural emotions and intuitions that guide our opinions and values in this area. Evolution acts on our behaviour by creating programmed emotional reactions to specific stimuli.
In this case: men are programmed to react negatively to signs of promiscuity in a potential long term mate (although they are also programmed to act enthusiastically to it in a short-term sex partner, for obvious reasons). Hence the illusion of fidelity is important to maintain for women who want to attract a long term mate.
Females on the other hand are programmed to seek a provider-type male who will help them raise their children, whilst also looking for opportunistic sex with men who have better genes than their partner. It's much less important that a man demonstrates sexual fidelity, and much more important that he represents emotional fidelity and the ability to commit to a family.
This incidentally explains why men find sexual infidelity in their mate most disturbing, whilst women find emotional fidelity worse.
Note that these emotional reactions that our genes create are not rational. Modern inventions like contraception and paternal DNA testing have no effect. Despite the fact that 'we know' people use condoms and the pill etc, it doesn't diminish the emotional power of our ingrained behaviour.
This is why the double standard exists, and to a certain degree will always exist until we can change our genes (which may not be long).
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A
female
reader, elitzabeth +, writes (8 August 2007):
 I want to thank you all for your responses. !!!!!
THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!
I also wanted to answer some of the questions asked. Our realtionship had always been at risk for some reason or another. He had just gotten over his ex, to whom he still keeps in touch and talks to. We live 2&30 hours apart by air. We hadn't really had this "past" issue for a couple of months until now ( I would say about 3 months) which has been the longest. We used to have this issue discussed once, sometimes twice a month. But, he would mainly bring it up everytime i would claimed some of his lies. Such as looking at porn, still talking with his ex, calling sex escorts, etc..He would denied all of it, but I know for sure all of it being true. And, this he had done while being in a relationship with me; not before. It seems that everytime we fight about something that he is doing wrong, he brings my past to the table so that I feel guilty, then his free of guilt.
Honestly, my story goes much longer than this but I am just going to leave it like this for now. I just want to focus in the "past issue"...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2007): I have to respond to the previous comment. And in all of this, I have to agree with Yos. You can't expect other women to understand...they will say how its "unfair" and how your bf is being stupid. Rather, listen to guys like me who have gone through this same problem with their girlfriends.
Just a note to some of the women who think it is messed up that there is a double standard:
First off, women produce more estrogen, estradiol, estrone, estriol progesterone, and a hole slew of other hormones. They can't help it, they are women. That is how they were built. These chemicals are strong in women, and are often the reason why women get "attached" more readily and easily than men. A ONS hence, is much much more detrimental to a woman's emotional well being and self-esteem than for a man.
Secondly, in my experience, condoms break...and the pill doesn't always work. Trust me, I see it all the time.
Thirdly, it is much much easier for a woman to get HIV and other fluid based STDs from a man ejaculating in or near her vagina than it is for a man to get it from a women whom they enter. This is likewise the same from a man receiving fellatio. More ways for her to get something from him than vice a versa...and how often do women use condoms for that?
It all comes down to this. There is a much much greater risk physically and emotionally for women to act like "sluts" than men. Hence, while a man's actions may be stupid, it is not anywhere near equal in the risk faced by women acting the same way.
So yes, there is a double standard, BUT it is not wholly societal, rather, there is a rational basis.
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A
female
reader, TaylorChu +, writes (8 August 2007):
 Wow, that's sad. MANY men want a pure chaste wife but when it comes to them only having a few sexual experiences are okay. DAMN THE DOUBLE STANDARD!
GIVE HIM THE ULTIMATUM: This is the last time you down me for my past. You bring it up again and there will be no marriage. There will be no relationship. There will be no more us. Period.
He is holding that over your head with assumed images of you with other guys. He is going to have to get over it. No one in life is perfect even himself. If your past bothers him so much then he needs to leave and find the woman he is desiring to have. It is a shame that he can't forgive you for something he had nothing to do with, wasn't involved in and can clearly see you are not the same person. I'd tell him off and tell him exactly how it is going to be. You already forgave yourself and are able to live with your self so that is all the pain you have ever needed to deal with. Case closed. If he doesn't like what you are saying, show him the door. Good or bad experiences they have all lead up to who you are today. If he can't accept that then he doesnt deserve you or have the right to love every inch or trait of you.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (8 August 2007):
I've been in your boyfriends situation, its not uncommon. The emotions he is experiencing can be overpowering, hence his extreme reactions.
Understand that he's probably very conflicted about this. His rational mind is telling him to get over this, to stop hurting you, but then his emotions (insecurity, jealousy, anger, pride) well up and overwhelm his rational mind. The result: he snaps and says horrible things and acts in bad ways. It's quite accurate to consider this as temporary insanity when its happening: its almost certain that your boyfriend doesn't want to be acting like this but is out of control. When he's in that state he'll really believe what he is saying, and afterwands wonder how he could have thought those things. Think Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
For that reason just sitting and talking about it doesn't help. You or him are not going to be able to get out of this by rational discussion. It's also not possible for him to just 'let go' and 'get over it' as others here advise, as appealing as that sounds.
Assuming he does want to stop this, then he needs to get help. Therapy (I highly recommend a male therapist for this problem) is a good option. He'll need to work through his issues to get to the bottom of why this is happening: why his reaction is so strong. For this to work he'll need to accept his responsibility: his reaction belongs to him, not you, and is in a sense his 'fault'. You are not to blame, and you are certainly not in a position to do or change anything. This is his issue, and he is going to have to solve it.
My personal experience has been that after about 6 months of therapy the problem got MUCH better. It's still there, but in a form where its not damaging our relationship and where I know how to handle it (and so does my girlfriend).
If your boyfriend is unwilling to see this as his problem to overcome and not willing to get help such as therapy then you should seriously consider leaving him. It almost certainly won't improve without him taking these steps.
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A
female
reader, sexi  +, writes (8 August 2007):
 Hi,Everybody has a past or somethng abou t there past that they are not proud of. My bf has a past that is so bad that whenever i think about it (i try not to think about it very often) i cringe but i love him so much (with every part of me) that i have accepted it with him and i dont ppick on it. If this guy really loved you then he would not bring up your past all the time, he would accept it.If your bf cannot come to terms with your past now while yourll are in a relationship things would not be any better when you get married to him (he would constantly be picking on those things you did) If he cant forgive you for something that you did in your past, then you should find someone that would accept you whole-heartedly past and all.There is nothing you can do to chande what you have done - your bf needs to look forward so that he can move forward.Regards,mail me if you wanna talk
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (8 August 2007):
 What did you do in college that was so bad? I agree with the others. The next time he rubs your face in something you did when he was not in a relationship with you, leave. It's an old subject between the two of you and the is NOTHING you can do to turn back time. NOTHING. Once you understand that, you'll see that you can't be what he wants. At least it's not possible with him thinking as he's thinking now.
The next time he says..." I can't believe you did ???? (whatever it was)"......you should reply with........."Well, I did. We've been over that already I'm not discussing it or justifying my actions to you. We've had this discussion before and nothing has changed. I see you have opinions about me that can not be reversed. I won't let you badger me any more. I'm getting out of this relationship."
He'll be shocked when you actually leave. Up to this point, you've played this cat and mouse game with him. Since you never actually leave, he feels safe to come back to this subject.
I acted similarly once. I remember my wife telling me she would not let me badger her about something she was not guilty of. She also asked me why I was so intent on crucifying her. I remember now the look on her face when she said that to me. It seems like your guy may have some issues that he has not dealt with. Why does he continue to feel the need to torture himself?
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A
female
reader, LauraE  +, writes (8 August 2007):
Hi,
You overdid things at college – well hold the front page! That’s a new one isn’t it? I bet that loads of other students did things you never heard of because they were just more subtle about it. Is he STILL thinking about what people said in college?! I assume you mean you were at college at least 10 years ago. He really, really needs to grow up and move on doesn’t he? I have little doubt that the gossip in college was far worse than your actual behaviour, it always is. Even if every word of it was true, that was a long time ago. You, he, and everyone else changed out of all recognition between 18 and 30.
Does your boyfriend think that he is perfect in every way? Did he never, even once, behave in a way that he regrets? If he is perfect, then he is in a minority of one. The rest of us have all done things that we wish we hadn’t, especially when we were young.
His concern should be with how you behave now that you are with him. If you have been faithful and loving, then he should have no complaint. If he expects his girlfriend or wife to be perfect, then he is heading for a big let-down eventually, whether it’s you or someone else.
At the moment it’s all about him threatening you with ending it whenever it suits him to. Why is he doing this? Is it all to do with your past, or does he just enjoy the power of scaring you?
Can you seriously consider continuing to give your time and love to a man that doesn’t respect you because of your past? I mean, did you kill anyone? Are you a liar? A thief? An international master-criminal? People of your age have a past. The problem is in his head and nowhere else. He should be grateful that he has so little to worry about. I can see 2 choices with this. You could sit him down; tell him that he must accept you for who you are if he wants the relationship to continue. Or just leave him and let him get on with it. I am tempted to think the second choice would be a quicker route to the same inevitable end, because if he has been brought up with 19th century attitudes, he may never be able to drop them. You know him best though. Whatever you do, don’t continue to put up with the nasty remarks about not being a woman to marry. He should be so lucky!
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (8 August 2007):
 Ok you love him deeply? but he is mean to you and constantly reminds you of what a terrible person you are because you made a few mistakes along the way. Do you really think he is ever going to change his opinion? or are you just going to put up with being tortured by this guy everytime he has an attack of insecurity.
He either forgives you and never mentions it again (conducive to a happy union) or he continues to make you feel bad again and again and again (conducive to a bad union)
You cannot change his thought process, you have tried, it has not worked. If someone loves you they accept your mistakes, they forgive you and you both learn to respect eachother. If someone doesn't love you, they store up all the bad things you did and use them as weapons to make you feel unhappy or insecure. Take a deep breath and ask yourself if this is what you want?
Explain this to your boyfriend, lay it out. Either he promises to never mention it again...or you walk.
Don't let him treat you badly.
Aunty Em xx
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A
female
reader, lillady55 +, writes (8 August 2007):
 Hi, I think you need to sit your boyfriend down and tell him that your "past" has been and gone. Do not feel ashamed of it as it has made you the person you are today, and he must like the person you are.. to be with you. Tell him that if he cannot except you as you are now that you can no longer carry on with your relationship (even if you dont really want to split up). Be firm and say "if you cant see a future with me, you may as well find someone whom u can". Let him know you "RESPECT" yourself and do not put up with this anymore. Next time he brings it up just say "I cannot change my past so live with it or move on." Hope this helps. x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2007): he cant make you suffer for the past - a past he wasnt even part of especially! did he not have ex girlfriends?? everyone has a past, and no matter how wild, its history.
You don't deserve to keep suffering, how dare he say he cant marry you because of this.
I think you should talk to him one final time. let the tears flow and let him see how much he is hurting you and how much he means to you. If he still cant let it go, then maybe it is time to move on. You deserve to be happy, and it seems he is just dragging you down.
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A
male
reader, somewhat_anonymous +, writes (8 August 2007):
Here's the thing. If you've been together for three years and he knew about your past from the beginning and it bothered him, why did he start going out with you in the first place? Have you asked him that? Is he just holding this over your head to have power? Does it make him feel good that he can make you cry like this? And does he realize that what is in the past cannot be undone and he'll either have to deal with it or move on? Does he also realize that he's being really immature and abusive? You didn't cheat on him or give himan STD or anything so it is time for HIM to let go of YOUR past.
So how often do these outbursts happen and how is the rest of the relationship? Those are important things for you to analyze.
It is obvious though that you cannot go on like this. You have to decide right now if it is worth putting up with it any more. Ask him why he chose to be with you if your past bothers him so much and if this is why you aren't the "one" ask him why he's sticking around. Then make it clear that you're not about to stick around for this. And ask yourself if it is really love, or the comfort of what is known and routine, because there is comfort in that. A lot of times people, and for whatever reason it seems to be women more often, tend to be attracted to what is bad for them. Think about it, he's emotionally abusing you. You know those women people always say are insane for staying with guys that beat the crap out of them? He's doing that to you on the inside. Would you stay if instead of tears in your eyes, he gave you welts on your face?
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A
female
reader, tweetytoby11  +, writes (8 August 2007):
 Honestly, Its you past no one can change what they did in the past.He needs to realize that you are his now as present and that they way you were isn't how you are now or in the furture. It was a stage of your life you can't change that and him getting in this realtionship with you knew that from the begining.So he needs to just get over it and forget about it or sorry but it might be best to let him go.If he can't realize the person you are now you should find someone who can. Its not safe being in a rocky realtionship like that where one day he feels this way and the next day he doesn't. Let him know you cant change what happened now he needs to let it go or you might have to let him go..but this is only my advice..but i hope i help a little..if you need to talk im here..*India Amor*
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A
female
reader, edsbabygirl +, writes (8 August 2007):
 What he needs to realize is you are not out there right now messing around with other guys. He needs to be a little more understanding. He is trying to control you. This is the classic male. He will throw in your face all that you have done wrong just so that he knows that it will still work when he needs to lay the guilt trip down on you. This way it nevers gets old because it is recycled. Never left to long that guilt can't be used again, but not used to frequently. Anyway, what you need to do is tell him that if he can't get over your past than you can't see him in your future nagging on you with things that he had absolutely nothing to do with. If he can't realize the past is gone, than he needs to be part of your past. And just like your wild side, it will pass.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2007): Yes, its way past time for you to let go!
He cannot forget your past, despite your efforts to convince him you have learned from your past mistakes and matured.
Rather, he CHOOSES not to forget, in view of the fact that for the "thousandth time" he is raking you over the coals because of it. Besides, what's his problem? This all happened before you even knew him!
If he cannot see you as a woman to marry, maybe you should "make up his mind" for him and be the one to end it. He's obviously not going to change, and you're clearly not happy.
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