A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend slept with a married woman about 14 years ago at work. He wants to forget about it but since he has told me, it practically broke up the relationship because it is something I would NEVER do (I've always thought people who do this are scumbags.)I've been with my bf for over a year now and he's practically perfect in a lot of ways. We laugh together, we communicate and we really go out of our way to think of one another. But this one thing!! We have talked about it and he said the moment he met her, he knew he was going to fu** her (he called it a fate thing). They deceived her husband and two kids and carried on an affair for three years; he even left the Company but went back and continued the affair. He told me she was loud and nosey and a big mouth; I asked him if he loved her and he told me he didn't, it was just sex. She was 42 at the time and he was 25. He said to begin with he didn't even fancy her. But equally he said she came on to him, telling him that her husband was horrible to her. I said that made it even worse that he could mess about with someone else's relationship just for sex. He wouldn't give me her surname which pi**ed me off, because I wanted to trace her and let her husband know exactly what kind of woman he was married to. My bf wouldn't tell me but did say he knew they had divorced some years later. I want to settle a score and I want to know her details, but he won't tell me. Problem is, I bring it up now and again, particularly as he has the ability to look at a women and say "I'm gonna fu** her". He told me she was the only one that has had that affect on him. I know I'm perhaps behaving irrationally, possibly jealous too, but I'm very black and white and do take the moral highground, and I feel this should be dealt with but I don't know how. If we don't resolve it I will have to finish with my practically perfect bf. We had a row last weekend and I brought it up; he nearly stormed out saying he just wanted to forget the whole thing, but then came back and said if I thought we should go for counselling, then he was willing to try anything. Why can't I let this one go. If our moral compasses are so very far apart, should we stay together anyway?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): I believe that if you asked him now, what are his current morals on his past situation, that he would not have the same views as before. Im sure that now being well into his 30's he does not think that it is o.k. to for someone to have an affair. Think back on your own life 14 yrs ago and think about some of the things you did, really think about it,----would you still make all of the same choiches now as you did back then???? Probably not, that should answer your ? about you BF
Best of Luck
A
female
reader, cupidhelper  +, writes (25 September 2007):
Stop at look at this rationally:
a. your almost perfect BF told you about something that happened 14 years ago over a YEAR into your relationship
b. he ocntinued the affair for 3 years
c. he said sleeping with her was fate & he knew immediately
d. he "left company" but continued to see her
if he was a she, you would say the Married Person, older by 15 years, stung a young lover along with promises to leave their Horrible spouce.
He's asking you if you're be with him dumba**. He's even offering to go to "counselling"!
You say you have a high moral compass yet you want to track down someone you've never met and give them Life-altering news. you're a creep.
I don't believe in cheating. My husband knows one mistake and I'm out the door--offending appendage in hand. But you don't know the facts: was her husband cheating on her, beating her, ignoring her. I know men that treat their wives like baby factories, they love the kids, but the eife is just there to pop them out. I know a man who ignored his wife so bad she took a lover. Husband even met lover and thought he was a great guy. He's not even angry because it "woke him up" and made him start trating his wife right.
have either of you been married? If the answer for hi is "no", she's the reason. If your answer is "no", you're have unstable thoughts and need the "couseling".
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2007): Thanks for all your responses, they are invaluable. I think however, the point has been missed. You all agree he did a rotten thing. My thoughts are that to judge someone on their past deeds shows wisdom, as you judge people on their actions and not what they say. So that is why I'm looking at his past and judging him. I didn't ask him to tell me and I question why he did to be honest. In fact, I spoke with his best friend about it and he admitted that whilst my bf stayed in their house, he worried desperately about leaving his gf alone with him. And that is his bf who has known him for 16 years. Again, why did he feel the need to tell his best friend about it too. Is he looking for some forgiveness which is why he keeps telling people about it, or dare I say it, could he be proud of the fact he did it. You are all telling me to leave the past in the past, then why does he tell people about it. Equally, I worry about the level of deception which went on for 3 years; if you mess up it's generally once and you learn from it. This went on for 3 years and shows that he is capable of great deception. He even said he met her husband at a work function and he was a nice guy!!!!!!!! I can't look at the man he is now and trust him because of his past - it wasn't a one off - he continued to do something which was horrible and shows that he is capable of being a truly horrible person.
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male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (23 September 2007):
 Hey - sorry to hear you've got hung up on an issue from the past that is going to affect your future. Would it have been better if he hadn't told you and then you wouldn't have this problem - but then he would be dishonest. Which would you have preferred?
Maybe this woman's new husband is having the same argument with her in reverse and he wants to settle a score, like you. He wants to contact you to let you know "exactly what kind of" man you are with. What do you think he might say to you when he phones out of the blue? What will your reply be?
You also raised an interesting point about morals and relationships. Do you think that a couple's morals should be identical in every way? There are many areas: abortion; unmarried sex; masturbation; adherance to laws; consumption of alcohol; forgiveness; betting; and more. When a difference of opinion is discovered - is it time to find a new partner? Or can it be resolved? As you say though, if it can't be resolved then you should finish with your practically perfect boyfriend and let someone else have him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2007): The fact that you want to interfere in his past worries me far, far more than any divergence of moral compasses with regard to fidelity - what do you think might be gained by telling her husband? It seems more about you 'punishing' - or controlling - your boyfriend than 'moral' concern over someone else. Your current attitude will discourage your boyfriend from any future honesty and inhibit the communication you seem to value.
Loosen up a bit, the past is just history.
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female
reader, On Cloud9 +, writes (23 September 2007):
 This is obvisouly something that is troubling you very much and in order for you to move forward you need to learn to forgive him. Sounds odd me saying that when he never directly did anything to you, but he has been punished enough about this and needs a break - as do you! there is nothing black and white about human emotion. If it were possible to always make the right choices and do the 'right' thing then why do we, as a race, continue to make some very bad decisions in life? You may not be able to understand why he felt the need to do this and it is this lack of understanding which is making you act so irrational about this. You have to try and accept that this is something that happened to him, not you. One thing I do worry about for you is, your bf told you this in confidence and the lesson he has learnt from your response COULD be not to tell you anything else in future - as he will worry that you will respond like this to everything. That has potential to be very destructive in its own meritsI sympathise for you because it is hell to be trapped in a never ending downward spiral of painful thoughts and words. Buts thats all it is and you could, if you wanted to, escape this hell. Stop punishing yourself and inflicting this pain on yourself. Try and reflect on why this is particularly getting to you, and why you feel the need to hold the moral high ground after all life is for living and, unfortunately some people need to fall off before learning to hold on. The safest way of doing this is through couple counselling. ALl you need is some perspective on this situation.p.s you may end up worse off if you contact this woman and her husband (or ex husband), you must consider the possible consequences and despite the fact you think you will get 'justice', you don't have any idea what mess you may end up making for your partner, whom you say you love and yourself.I sincerely wish you well with counselling, I just know it will do the trick - good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2007): hey, i can see how this is very hard for you. i can be quite possessive with my boyfriend and sometimes admit i overreact and judge him on his past. i have even a few times tried to make his ex relationships sound like there were nothing so that i would believe they meant nothing to him, and only i mean something. But the truth is the past our partners have make them who they are and are part of them. As the first poster said, he is how he is now probably due to what he has done in the past. And it wasnt last month, or last year, it was more than a decade ago. I completely understand that it is hard to deal with, as off course having an affair with a married woman is amoral, but he wasnt the one married, she did more wrong than he ever did. But remember that fate and destiny is not something you can control-this means that what you want to say to her husband will define their future...and who are you to do that?If the woman decided not to tell then its her decision.
It seems that your relationship is a strong one, you care for him, and you feel hes perfect for you. And he seems to care for you as 1st he was honest about his past and 2nd he is willing to work this out and go to counselling if you want to. If you truly feel thats what you need than go for it, i think counselling could do some good for you both. It hurts you that it was just sex but at least you know he probably never loved any one like he loves you.
Good luck and be strong.
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female
reader, Ssmit +, writes (22 September 2007):
I agree with rcn... You need to cut it loose. It 's 14 years ago and it has nothing to do with who he is now.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (22 September 2007):
 You are behaving irrationally. You need to cut it loose. As far as your moral compass, if he's almost perfect, they can't be that far off. This is 14 years ago, and his behavior at that time has nothing to do with you or who he is now or his moral beliefs he has now. Trying to take this into your hands to solve would be abnormal as well. He's has 13 years before meeting you to change, and from the sounds of how your relationship is, he's done just that.
I am a very strong Christian. I have extremely high morals, and beliefs. I'm now 36. Between 20 and 25 I was drunk almost every day. I was focusing my problems and issues in the wrong directions. Trying for a quick fix instead of fixing myself. I have since completely changed my life. So does what I did between 20 and 25 determine how you would view me today. I'm now told by a girl, I remind her of someone who'd dress in a suite on Sunday and go to church with grandma.
What happened that long ago needs to stay in the past. Not to be too personal, were you a virgin when you met? If not, apparently you've had sexual relationships with someone other than the partner you have now. He too shouldn't look at anything in your past and judge your relationship by it.
You need to recognize non of us were born who were are now. We develop who we become, and he sounds like he has really developed himself before you met him, or you wouldn't have as much in common as you do.
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reader, eddie  +, writes (22 September 2007):
 Yes, your boyfriend did a rotten thing. Now you want to do one too. It is NONE of your business to run around digging up skeletons in other people's closets. If your boyfriend did this as a young person with no idea how sacred marriage is, that might explain his actions. Your actions would simply be to cause pain and get revenge for something that happened long before your time. These people will think your crazy. You need to go for counseling more than anybody. Nobody can change the past, you want to try though, that is not realistic.
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female
reader, Cupcake +, writes (22 September 2007):
 Yah it sucks, but you know what its in the past.. You were not with him then and its done and over. We all do things sometimes we wish we didnt, and yes what he did is definatly far from moral, I dont agree with that at all. As it basically says "cheating is ok" but 14years ago is a long time, if your relationship is really as good as you say, just let it go. Hes with you and hes good to you right? well dont let his past ruien that. My boyfriend and I dont so much like each others pasts, but what matters is our current relationship.. People change. He clearly loves you. I definatly wouldnt advise you to leave, but to just move on from it.
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reader, Escalaya +, writes (22 September 2007):
 Well, I was in a very similar position in the past, and let me tell you. The lsat thing I wanted was to dig up more Drama with that girl, I felt bad with the way I did it, and the way I ended it (she threatened me with all kinds of jazz) and, the last thing I wanted was my jealous, pissed off girlfriend going to talk to her, and tell her all this shit, than have MORE drama drug up. Let what's in the past STAY in the past.
That's my motto.
good luck, take care.
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