A
female
age
30-35,
*ittleMissy
writes:What would you do if you were me?Hello. Some advice please.I come from a very close family and we are not religious at all. My sister however has decided to get my niece christened. When my boyfriend found out about this he was totally against it, he is a complete atheist and totally against religion. That is his choice I told him he didn't have to come but he was missing the point. Us being there was not about religion it would be because my family would be hurt if we were not. There will be lots of people there who are not necessarily religious but will come since they care. He then told me he didn't want me to go either and if I did he would break up with me. He is slightly controlling at times, and i have missed a lot of birthday parties etc. However these happen every year. A christening is a one time event and I know my family would be really upset.What would you do?On one hand, it is just a christening and i do love him, and it would be really hard for us to break up. On the other hand, i don't know how my family would take it. Also me not going because i don't want to is completely different to me not going cos I can't. Because I'm "not allowed".
View related questions:
atheist Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (26 June 2011):
 The first step that you have taken is a big one. At least you have admitted to the problem. From your first post of "slightly controlling", you have come a long way.OP, this boyfriend of yours is an abusive man. Emotional abuse is much more dangerous than physical abuse, because there will not be one single scar on your body to speak about; yet you will be trapped.This man has all the classic signs of an abuser.1.) He is blaming you for his anger. This has happened before as well, and now you have started questioning your actions so that you dont anger him.2.) He has stopped you from seeing your family and has isolated you from them. He has even come down to the "it's either me or them" tactics.3.)He blackmails you into staying in the relationship by constantly trying to remind you of the happier memories. This is his way of weakening you and getting you to put up with more and more. He has felt your pulse and he knows what makes you vulnerable.4.) He is making you feel guilty over something that is YOURS. He is now alienating you from your own family by telling you that you are choosing them over him. The Pity Card. Drawing your sympathy and pity to get you to stay, so he can assert even more power over you. In all possibility, he will also make you give in to his sexual demands to keep peace.OP I cannot say this enough...PLEASE get away from this man. He is a nightmare and people like him never get better. There is absolutely NO shame in admitting to your family that you want to go back to them; for all you know, they must hate this guy themselves but they haven't said anything to you just to make you happy. There is nothing to feel ashamed about. It can happen to anyone, but you have to deal with it in the right way. Sweeping it under the carpet will not work, it will only aggravate the problem and it will blow up later and be even more of a problem for you.Act now. Get away from this abuse. Grab your stuff, tell your family, and move out ASAP. Dont give in to any tantrums, tears or threats. Dont feel ashamed of anything. This is in no way your fault.All the best to you..
A
female
reader, sammy1986 +, writes (25 June 2011):
i would go. personally its your family. talk to your boyfriend and try make him see why you are going because its your family and you care.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 June 2011):
 Accusation : "You are chosing your family over me ". Answer " DUH. Why, what else ? ".
Look, OP, you know that these were only his manipulative tacticts, but even if you were really chosing your family OVER him, so what, it's the most normal thing to do, not a crime.
I am not much of a family type myself , actually, but this is just like, duh. Of course, having to chose in case of irresolvible conflict, one would chose her family that has known her loved her and cherished her from her birth date on, over a recent or semi-recent , and abusive, boyfriend ( BOYFRIEND , not husband, fiance', father of your kids ).
Just laugh hard in his face of sanctimonious atheist, pack your stuff and go home. I bet they'll be super happy to have you back . Don't worry :)
...............................
A
female
reader, LittleMissy +, writes (25 June 2011):
LittleMissy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice guys, you've all pretty much said what I already know. The thing is, this has happened before and when I tried breaking up with him he began to make me feel guilty, like I was choosing my family over him, like he was right all along that I didn't love him as much as I said I did. He began bringing up all our happy memories, the nice things hes done for me etc.. I was willing to give him another chance cos i do truly love him. But for me real love comes without conditions- I.e if you do that or go there and I can't love you etc etc.We now live in a different city, away from my family. This was supposedly a career move, and i was looking at studying here (I now am), but after he has actually said it was to get me away from my family. Breaking up is going to be so hard, and embarrassing I guess. I'll have to leave my job, my home and haul my self and all my possessions back over to my parents. The controlling thing is only one aspect and yes I am beginning to admit that I'm stuck in an abusive relationship and I just feel lost and alone and ashamed :( Argghh!
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (25 June 2011):
I wonder how long it will be until he tells you who your friends are, what you can wear and what you eat?
OP, run a mile away from this man. And go to the Christening too. 'Slightly' controlling isn't really doing justice to the nature of your boyfriend.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 June 2011):
Go to the christening, you can't choose such an arrogant prick over your sister !Your bf is free to express his disapproval for religions by not attending the ceremony , but not to impose his opinions either on you or your family. This is absolutely disrespectful. I am a non Christian too and I have attended a lot of weddings and christenings of friend and family, grateful that they had been so nice to want me there to share their joy and special moments. If he dumps you- good riddance. He's the kind of righteous control freak that sooner or later would end with telling you what you are allowed to read, or wear, or buy- only things he " approves " of course.
...............................
A
female
reader, MamaBear  +, writes (25 June 2011):
Grab your coat and hat and go to the church for the Christening. Leave the bf in the dust. You do not need this guy. Your family is very important over the course of a lifetime. Be grateful you have a close family. And, my suggestion is to find a new and less of a control freak!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2011): Go, and if he dumps you consider yourself lucky. He's forcing you to decide that it's him or family. That's WRONG!
...............................
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (25 June 2011):
 I would break up with the boyfriend. NO one but ME determines how I live my beliefs and convictions.
He does not OWN that part of you. Shame on him for not allowing you to. Disgusting.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2011): Dump the man. If he really liked/loved you he wouldn't be making you choose.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (25 June 2011):
So let me get this right. Your BF has made it clear to you that its my way or the highway. And you're still thinking about what to do?
This guy is DICTATING your choices to such an extent, that it now its coming between your personal choices. Who is he to come in the way of your family?If he doesn't want to go, let him not. How can he stop you from going for a family function, that too with this ultimatum?
Do whatever you think is right. GO. Because there's no reason why you shouldn't. If this is a deal breaker for him, then maybe its a good thing you're not with such an immature person. This man has no business telling you what to do and what not to do. You've already allowed him to assume that power over you by missing birthday parties,and now he thinks he can tell you whatever you want and you will obey him.
You say he's "slightly controlling"?? Sorry, but he's extremely, horribly controlling.
...............................
|
