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age
36-40,
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writes: My best friend and girlfriend left me?I cheated on her several times. And thought she would never find out but after a while my bf and her started talking and they got very close he realized what a asshole I have been to her he fell in love with her and confessed to her that i had been cheating on her for along time and how i conned her. I have lost everything is this my bad karma..........I want them back they are getting married one day i will have to live with my mistakes for a long time...my friend only blew everything she didnt have to know...I threatened the made them remember the good times but they have lost respect for meHow do I get over this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni wanted sex she didnt and shewent to him because he didnt care much for those things he just wanted love......i just dont no where my life is headed now
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthe worst part is my ex wanted to be a virgin till she was married which means my friend doesnt care about sex only the love they share........how can this happen have they found true love.........i feel like drinking my sorrows awayyyyyy i tried talking to them but they dont care much
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female
reader, tjazzy  +, writes (12 February 2010):
Bad karma. You can't eat your cake and have it. You did not deserve wither of them because from your own description you are a very selfish and uncaring person. She's not a toe rag to hang around and take your rubbish for ever. The solution to your problem is to clean up your dirty cheating and bullying ways, then your friends will love you and your girlfriends will appreciate you. But not before then. I wish them both well and you should too.
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female
reader, Tigerlily  +, writes (12 February 2010):
Darlin I know it hurts. It's easy to want to lash out and blame others for one's pain, and it's really hard to accept that you yourself are responsible for your own fate. You ask for more answers but you have a ton... you don't' want to accept them. You ask for more answers because you want to someone to support you in blaming your friend for what happened.
But there is only one answer here and that is that you have to take responsibility for your own actions. That's hard, but if you can do that we will all be very proud of you. You can do it, you can find the strength inside yourself to take responsibility and accept that you messed up and now you have to start over, wiser for what you have learned. That is how you make the pain go away. My father said to me to say people only learn and change when it hurts enough.
It may seem like the answer is to lash out at your friend and blame him, but that would just be making the same mistake again. Just like your cheating, it will bring you only a moments satisfaction, then the deeper pain of lasting consequences will hit. You need to change your ways to make the pain stop. Up until now your selfish ways have made you a force of destruction. Your actions damaged your relationship with your girl, your best friend... and now they are hurting you. More selfish indulgence will only do more damage, which in the end will hurt you most.
Don't make the same mistake again. You need to choose to be a force of good, then you can find pride in yourself for being a good man. And that will attract new friends and a new woman.
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (12 February 2010):
 I think you need to seek help from a therapist - wanting to kill someone is not normal and you may have some mental issues here that really need to be dealt with by a medical professional. Please go to see your doctor before you hurt anyone and make a serious mistake.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010): you need professional help before you hurt someone. Not on here but a therapist.
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female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (12 February 2010):
 You need to get over this.
Your friend has done nothing to you. The only thing he has done was be truthful about YOUR OWN lies for the betterment of your ex-girlfriend. He obviously cares much more about her than you ever did. They must be happy togther. Leave them be.
If you can't leave them alone, they may end up calling the police and filing a restraining order against you. And if they don't, it honestly seems like you want blood on your hands..
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionplease i want more answers i want to destroy him and scar him for life please i need more answers
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female
reader, Accountable +, writes (11 February 2010):
 I dont think what your friend did is low at all, no. Maybe if it had been lies and you hadnt cheated on her - but you did, and werent man enough to tell her yourself, so he stepped up to the plate. Your ex could easily have directed her anger at him (shoot the messenger syndrome and all that) but she didnt, and I'm guessing its because he's a good guy and she knew she'd be better off with him than with you.
The sooner you realise that, and stop shifting the blame, the sooner you can begin to move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010): pick yourself up, dust yourself off.
Accept two truths: You do not want her, your jelous that she is with him. Thats all it is.
Your friend doesnt want to be your friend anymore.
Heres what you do, Wish them well in their life (mean it), learn from your mistake and never repeat it. And let them go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBut my friend did it cause he loved her and wanted to be with her!!!!!!!!i hate him they love each other so much it hurts me isn't it low what he did to me.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010): he loved her ENOUGH TO TELL HER THE TRUTH. NUT UP OR SHUT UP.
i mean when are you going to grow up and take responsibility for you own actions. you aren't man enough to be in a relationship and now your having your own personal pity party... poor me, someone pushed me on top of all those other women... and while i was busy banging them... my best friend found what i always took for granted. Its about time a**holes finish last.
before you can make mends with other people which is what this is not about.. its about you having your way. you have to fix you.. you respect no one not even your self, you don't care about feelings and have no morals.. so in good conscience i cant even tell you to take it with a spoon full of sugar... i think you should have to take the whole dam bottle. maybe when your done taking your medicine like a big boy you will be able to look back like a man and see your errors.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want your thoughts Kassi (Nova) my friend loves her you think otherwise he may have secured her but he loves so much he sacriced everything for her please what do i do.........
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female
reader, Accountable +, writes (11 February 2010):
You deal with your pain by reading back over everything youve writted here and recognising that you cant blame what happened on other people - it was your own fault. How could you possibly have thought it was acceptable to lie and cheat on the girl you supposedly loved for a year and a half?
Once youve come to terms with it being your fault, you can start taking productive steps to make your future seem a little brighter. The aunts have given you good advice - try to figure out why you did what you did, and resolve to not behave that way again in the future. You can approach your friend and ex for forgiveness - they are under no obligation to forgive you, but apologising is far more productive and cathartic than threatening to kill them. I would advise seeing a therapist to help your anger problems if your need to hurt them persists. Then you occupy yourself with anything that takes your mind off them - focus on your job, or find something to take up your spare time.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010): So hang on... you threatened to kill your friend for outing all your lies? He tried to get you to do the right thing for a year and 1/2 and still you wouldn't listen. You are like a little boy who wants to do whatever he wants and not get caught and doesn't care who he hurts in the process until it impacts HIM... then he selfishly cries oh poor me.
I think this is a great chance for you to grow up and be a man. A man cares about those he loves and takes care of them. A man is loyal and he does the right thing. A man wants what's best for those he cares about, even if it means he has to sacrifice. This may hurt, but it's a lesson you should take to heart. If you want love and loyalty you have to give it too. Your friend is good to your ex-girl, you should be happy that she has someone honest who is good to her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPlease i need more answers..........a part of me wants to tear them apart and my friend may have done it for his benefit or whatever but he loves her like crazy totally over the moon for her.......how do i deal with this pain...
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionno i never told him he adviced me alot and told me to treat her like.......he hasnt cheated on anyone doesnt drink or smoke...i hid it from her for 1 and a half years my friend asked me to tell her i didnt but i continued cheating.They wanted to be with each other.....she loved him but stayed with me my friend loved her....he may have done that but he is a good guy hates hanky panky stuff he might have done it to get her but still he loves her loves i threatened to kill him i took his friends but he still stood by her side........
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female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (11 February 2010):
Wow. Yeah I'd say that's karma. I'm not sure how you get over it, I guess maybe just try to learn the lesson that if you love something and it's special and valuable to you then you need to take care of it, treat it well, be true to it and not take it for granted.
Take this as an opportunity to go inside yourself and figure out why you would cheat on your GF. Also you said your friend blew everything, she didn't have to know. It's not your friends job to be your partner in crime and cover up your bad deeds. A good place to start would be to take responsibility for your own actions. Own the things you did. Once you own them the next step is to understand why they happened. Whatever the cause, work on that part of yourself. After you understand whatever is wounded within you that made you do this, then you can begin to forgive yourself and vow to change your ways in the future.
You must have some good in you to have brought these two people into your life in the first place. That good will attract new friends and girlfriends and you will know how to treat those people with care now.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (11 February 2010):
If there is such thing as Karma then yes, it has come back to bite you on the ass!
You were a terrible boyfriend to this girl and you cannot expect to get away with such bad behaviour. Cheating is never going to be acceptable, and the person you are cheating on will always find out at some point.
So yes, you will have to live with your mistakes, and I hope you learn from it! Learn this one very important lesson - cheating will only leave YOU lonely and without a good thing in your life (i.e. your ex-girlfriend), whereas the person who has been cheated on will move on and be happy with someone else. The cheater always ends up alone and unhappy.....so if you can at least learn this lesson then one day maybe you can find happiness again and learn to treat people right.
What your friend did was not what "blew" it - you "blew it" yourself by cheating on her several times! If you loved your girlfriend, cared about her and wanted to be with her then you would have never cheated on her. Simple as that! So regardless of who told her about your cheating, YOU were the one that cheated therefore YOU are the one to blame.
You need to accept that because of your behaviour you have lost your girlfriend and your best friend, and you will never get them back. At least now your girlfriend is happy, and has a boyfriend who will treat her right instead of cheating on her, so you need to let her go and just allow her to be happy.
There is no way to make this hurt less or for you to suddenly get over this - as you said yourself you will have to live with your mistakes for a very long time. And parting of living with your mistakes involves feeling as bad as you do right now - the way you behaved has consequences and it just so happens it has meant you have lost both your girlfriend and your best friend.
I think what you need to do now is just leave them alone to get on with their lives, and you move on and get on with your life. Hopefully you will learn from this experience and will treat any new people you meet in the future with care and respect, because you know the pain of losing people that meant something to you.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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female
reader, Accountable +, writes (11 February 2010):
I think your friend did the right thing and she deserves somebody like him, to be honest. Your friend didnt blow everything - YOU did. The fact you think she "didnt have to know" that you were lying to her and cheating on her speaks volumes about the level of respect you have for women.
Sounds like theres nothing you can do to get her back - you completely destroyed that relationship singlehandedly. Firstly by cheating, and secondly by "threatening" them both?? Are you genuinely surprised that they have lost their respect for you? I am not saying that to be harsh; its just realistic, and you need to recognise that and move on; leave them alone to be happy with each other. Learn from it - don't make these mistakes with another woman. Treat the next one well. Alternatively, if you carry on being a cheater, realise that you are never going to have a real, lasting relationship - no girl should have to put up with you if you carry on like that. Or stick to open relationships, where your girlfriend can sleep with whoever she likes aswell.
I hope you find a way to move on from your ex-girlfriend and best friend, so they can be together in peace. Apologising to them both sincerely might help you; you do at least see where you went wrong, right? Then just focus on your own life - maybe find another girl, maybe just be happy alone for a while (and i would suggest staying alone unless you plan to be respectful of the next woman).
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010): Awwwwwww, first of all, I am sending you good thoughts and hugs. This is a very tough situation to find yourself in, and the fact that it is largely of your making must exacerbate your sense of loss.
We all make mistakes. Clearly, in your case, this was a very big one. You did something terrible to your ex-girlfriend, something that will have hurt her dreadfully, and damaged her confidence. By doing that, you showed how little you deserved her, and how little you loved her (people who are deeply in love do not cheat, period).
Your friend will be dealing with the fallout from this, and coping with the aftermath of the hurt you have caused. It's not surprising that he feels angry and offended with you. It is unfair of you to blame him for telling your ex-girlfriend what you were doing - she had a right to know. If you hadn't cheated, there would have been no big secret to hide.
The only thing you can do in this situation is to express contrition. Apologize - and keep apologizing. Tell them that you made a colossal error of judgement, that you understand that you hurt them both, but that you miss them both terribly. Ask for their forgiveness - but make it clear that you understand that this is a request, not a demand. There is no reason why they should forgive you, and as for forgetting what you did, I suspect it will take a long time for either of them to trust you fully again. All you can do is to work, on a day-to-day basis, on restoring their respect and re-establishing their trust, by being someone who is entirely upright, honest, and worthy of being their friend.
Of course, your relationship with both of them can never be the same again. But that doesn't mean it's entirely broken. You may be able to work towards a new friendship with them. But it will take time - maybe years - to do that. In the meantime, all you can do is to be patient, to work on yourself, and to avoid making the same mistake again. Good luck.
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female
reader, Kassi (Nova)  +, writes (11 February 2010):
 Ouch. I feel for you.
First of all, part of me wants to tell you you're getting what you deserve. You hurt her, and now you're hurting. Karma tends to bite people in the ass when they screw up.
At the same time, did your friend call you on it? What was his opinion? Has HE ever cheated on someone? He betrayed your trust and used what he knew (and what you told him in confidence) to secure your ex girlfriend so she'd never go back to you. That's pretty low, too.
Honestly, despite your feelings for your ex, I think if you cheated on her a lot, she wasn't 'the one' and you'll be fine. And even though it hurts, and even though he seems like a white knight to her, he also only told her when he wanted to be with her. He's no better, so you know what? No big loss there. I feel bad for your ex.
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