A
female
age
36-40,
*assi (Nova)
writes:I need some advice! My marriage is, for the most part, amazing! I am crazy in love with my husband, and he feels the same way for me.There is one thing I cannot seem to get over. He has a penchant for porn. When I don't think about him looking at it, it feels silly to have a problem with it. I've looked at porn (though never while I've been with him - I don't need it or feel like I need it) and I know most people do, even in relationships. But he prefers porn of women with grotesquely enormous breasts (the bigger the better- and weight is not a factor to him - only chest size). He swears that he isn't even aroused by it - just fascinated. But he's snuck out of bed to look at it and gone to extremes to keep and hide it from me. I feel insane spying on him.All of his previous partners have been rather overweight, and enormously chested. I, however, am really small chested, and the skinniest women he's ever been with (which he says he loves). I feel so self-conscious about my body because of it that his porn preferences drive me crazy! I don't want to make him feel bad about himself, because porn is healthy, but it hurts my feelings to know I can never fulfill his fantasies and expectations. I feel like I cannot please him and that I disappoint him. I am also really worried that he prefers those women to me.He agreed to stop looking at it and says he understands how I feel, and that he'd feel the same way if the tables were turned. But he has slipped up a few times and lied about it only to confess later. I see this being a recurring thing in the future, and if I can't stop it, I want to come to terms with it and find a way to cope. I feel like I'm being insane, but even though I know I'm self conscious and have made the effort to get over it, I can't. It breaks my heart and hurts my feelings. Any advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010): I understand too. It's very hard to believe them when they say that it's not that they would like you to have big boobs, but that they like looking at them. I have small breasts too and my boyfriend has a thing for huge boobs. It sucks, and it hurts. But I guess the only thing to do is just take a deep breath and understand that actions speak liuder than words: even though you're not exactly his physical type, you were still attractive enough to get him.
A
female
reader, Tigerlily  +, writes (11 February 2010):
Hi honey. Well I can understand you feeling insecure but I think you need to try to let go of that and broaden your view. First of all, your husband does not prefer those women to you. If he did, he would have married one of THEM. But he didn't - he married you.
We humans are very complex animals, and sexuality of what turns us on and why is hidden deep inside our complex psyches. Great big boobs turn your guy on. It's not the women... it's not their minds or hearts or the rest of their bodies. It's just his fascination with these huge boobs. Who knows where it came from, he could have had some experience with huge boobs when he was a kid and it imprinted on him. But if that's what turns him on he can't help it. Can you try to accept it? Also it's clearly not the ONLY thing that turns him on or you wouldn't have a sex life, right?
It doesn't have anything to do with the connection he feels for you, or the passion, or the 2,000 other things he's madly in love with about you. Holding yourself up to some standard that you have to be absolutely EVERYTHING to your man is something we women do... but it's unrealistic. You are turning this into a very black and white situation. it sounds like there is a voice in your head saying "if I don't have huge boobs then... I am not what he wants, I don't turn him on, I don't measure up". Is that true? I don't think so. It's like saying my husband loves baseball so if I can't hit one into the bleachers I'm useless as a wife. Its tunnel vision.
Clearly you have a lot your husband adores and that turns him on. Can you try to look at all the things he does love about you and find security in those? Maybe instead of being so scared of this thing he's got going... have some fun with it. Blow up some balloons and stick them under your sweater and say hey baby! And give him a big fat raspberry :-) Instead of fearing it, get involved with it. Accept it. Play with it. It's a little wacky piece of your man... embrace it and I guarantee he will just love you all the more.
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A
male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (11 February 2010):
 See, all you {and many like minded wife}, describe here is what you feel. It is feeling of insecurity, that causes jealousy, quite natural even with male also. So, jealousy is feeling, an automatic response towards some object,event or occasion that causes jealousy.
Such feeling, how correctly justified but create block in pursing sex pleasure with partner. Both male and female, in any relations, like married or out side marriage, have some amount of jealousy. It is good to control such feeling, with good communication. In sexual matter every one has some liking and some disliking, something like hobby, just to watch nude body. Here best policy is honesty. Accept each other in totality, no matter if cannot shared equally, but acceptance is desirable.
Such acceptance will help each other to have sex with love, and not have sex as if it is addiction. This is my ideas to suggest you to accept him and his some liking with generosity, no matter you cannot share his all liking, it is not necessary, but grant some freedom is vital.
There should not be a impression, that marriage relations has blocked freedom. I think, such policy will help good and sound and confidence relationship.
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