A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my bf and i have been together for 3 yrs now. I was with other men before we got together but i was his first. i love him very much and he says he feels the same but he wants to be with other women. he says that since i have been with other men he needs to be with other women. he tried explaining how he felt by saying that it felt as if i had "one upped him". i cant bare the thought of him with other women or even him thinking about other women(much having less a :( ). this is the only problem in our relationship and it has taken an emotional toll on us both. He doesn't want to break up but wants me to be ok with him sleeping with other women. i'm not sure how to handle this any more Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Emily20  +, writes (11 January 2012):
 Dats the most suprising thing i have ever had,what is that,gal just let that guy go,he is not whort it,if he claims to love u,he cant think of such,my dear just let it go,some people are not meant to be in your life,let them go,enyman that love you,will not even want to hurt your feelings,at all by mentioning such to you,so please,make your decision now,just make up your mind,your right man will come.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 January 2012):
 OP, you are afraid you'll lose him if you say yes. But you are also afraid you'll lose him if you say no .
Since you are going to be afraid either way, at least keep your dignity and say NO.
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (7 January 2012):
As said before, your past is none of his business, but clearly you told him stuff that has made it his business. Just as you expect him to understand you and your past you should have done the same with him. You have forgotten how significant the first sexual relationship can be. For him you are unique, for you he is the last in a line of guys, go figure.
Whatever you have said has created a sexual incompatibility between you that wont go away. For him to feel comfortable with you and the way you talk/have talked about past experiences he feels he needs to experience other women. If he doesnt do that it is very likely he will jump at the first opportunity when it arises, which it will.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess what i'm afraid off the most is that he will find out that there is someone better than me or fall in love with another woman
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female
reader, bunnyblueeyes  +, writes (22 December 2011):
 This may be the most classic case of a man wanting to have his cake and eat it!!
No matter how many men you have been with, if he loves you and is a decent human being then the thought of sleeping with anyone else would not have even entered his head.
Tell him you'd like to go on a break while he sows his wild oats so that you can do the same. I guarantee you'll find a real man and wonder what you ever saw in him.
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female
reader, SillyB +, writes (20 December 2011):
 Ask him how he would feel if you wanted to be with him while sleeping with other men??!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): I am going to somewhat disagree with the majority.I was a virgin when I met my wife. She was not. We were young and at first it didn't matter to me. However, as time went on and the relationship grew more serious I definitely felt like there was an imbalance. She'd sometimes mention an ex- in a sexual context nonchalantly and it would be like a dagger in my heart. She was much better off for having had those experiences in terms of knowing what she wanted. I really had no context.This weighed on me very much until at one point an opportunity arose and I cheated on her. Not cool, I know. However, it wasn't an emotional affair. It was just sex. Having that experience really changed my life. I realized that "it's just sex" and I didn't even really enjoy it all that much. However, it boosted my confidence in my choice of her as my mate and it made me appreciate what we had. I am not saying you owe your boyfriend a pass. However, I am saying that maybe he's the right guy at the wrong stage in his life. I think it would be wrong to deny him what you had. That might be the end of your relationship. On the other hand, it might make it stronger. It was very good for me to eliminate the curiosity and "get it out of my system" so that I could be a faithful husband, which I have been. I was a mental wreck prior to my experience with another woman and now I feel like a much more secure, confident man who adores his wife and never thinks of other women.
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male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (19 December 2011):
For some people, knowing his/her partner has had sex with other people is devastating. It usually isn't a matter of them being virgin or not. Your boyfriend is jealous of you having sex with other men. Even if it was before he knew you. It's only natural, but there is nothing to be done here. There is no way he can fix it. Chances are your relationship won't work unless he can resign himself to live with this.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011): He's telling you he doesn't want to be faithful and won't be faithful. Are you okay with that because that's what is in store for your relationship. If you want a monogomous boyfriend you will have to find someone else.
It really doesn't matter what the reason is to not be faithful, it's that he made a reason. The simple truth is he wants to have sex with other women and will but he wants it to be your fault.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011): No. He seriously wants to try to say that because he made the life choice to remain a virgin until he met you is now your problem because he wants to have sex with other people?He went into a relationship with you KNOWING FULL WELL he was who he was by his own accord and you were who you were, history and all and was FINE with it. Now he is trying to change the rules?I agree with the Poster who said, You go out and sleep around all you want.I'm going out to find a serious minded young man that wants a loving relationship.Why be with someone who holds higher getting off over being faithful, loving to you, your relationship and your friendship?HEs FULL OF CRAP! You can love him but don't have to like him or stand for his bs games.Let him go and MOVE ON.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011): sex is an intimate thing. if hes hurt from feeling that you had shared something so intimate with others and he hasn't, i understand. sex should only be special in my eyes, if its thrown around, its not special. i wouldn't have a girl that wasn't conservative like me. BUT he cant fool around while you love him.
Life was unfair on him for you having sex with others, not you. he shouldn't be unfair on you for being unfaithful. my first girlfriend was sexually explored by every angle when i had only had one kiss. it ruined me. it didnt work out. im with a girl who had sex with one other, same as me. for 2 years up until now its been sweet. its all relative to your feelings. if it hurts you, he shouldnt. if it hurts him, you shouldnt.
say you had sex with 3 guys before him, hes a virgin. if he goes off and sleeps with 4 girls, are you allowed to go off and sleep with one guy? you're even then. see how he feels about that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011): Meh, sorry for the double post I wasn't paying attention there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011): If he wants to act single then you have to make him single it's as simple as that.
OP this is not going to go away and he says he loves you but obviously not enough to not want other women. There is no way past this OP, you're not going to ever be okay with an open relationship, if you let him do that then you will slowly begin to resent him for it and even worse you will begin to resent yourself for allowing it. Now the simple fact of the matter here is allowing him do this will completely break you apart and he may well find another woman too.
His excuse for this is absolutely pathetic too, he feels you've one-upped him? That's low OP and it's a load of crap, he just wants his cake and eat it too.
Simple way to resolve this, you tell him that you will never be okay with him sleeping with other women and it's not up for discussion anymore. Never, ever will you be okay with it and that's that so he has to stop bringing it up. End of story. If he doesn't drop it OP then tell him if he wants to act single then it's better that he is single.
You know I used to have a friend that did this too, in his case though he'd already cheated on his girlfriend and just wanted her to say it would be okay for him to sleep around so he didn't have to feel too bad about it.
The thing is OP, you're afraid you will lose him if you say no, but you're more likely to lose him if you say yes because, and forgive me for being crude, but you giving him a free pass to go have lots of sex with different women and then have you at home to keep him supplied with emotional comfort and support then he's going to have it all and why would he want only one pussy when he can have lots of different ones and a backup one waiting for him in case he doesn't score.
This relationship is over no matter what happens, he is thinking about and wants other women. If you say no he'll keep emotionally blackmailing you if you say yes then you're technically not in a relationship anymore.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011): If he wants to act single then you have to make him single it's a as simple as that. He's acting childish, petty and thinks the grass is greener on the other side when it's clearly not.
OP this is not going to go away and he says he loves you but obviously not enough to not want other women. There is no way past this OP, you're not going to ever be okay with an open relationship, if you let him do that then you will slowly begin to resent him for it and even worse you will begin to resent yourself for allowing it. Now the simple fact of the matter here is allowing him do this will completely break you apart and he may well find another woman too.
His excuse for this is absolutely pathetic too, he feels you've one-upped him? That's low OP and it's a load of crap, he just wants his cake and eat it too.
Simple way to resolve this, you tell him that you will never be okay with him sleeping with other women and it's not up for discussion anymore, Never, ever will you be okay with it and that's that so he has to stop bringing it up. End of story. If he doesn't drop it OP then tell him if he wants to act single then it's better that he is single.
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (19 December 2011):
 Then you say: 'Fine, you're dumped, experience all the women you want' - sounds like he's trying to justify cheating.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (19 December 2011):
What he says is disrespectful- and silly.
Of course, you being a different individual from him, have lived different life- not just sexual - experiences. If he wants you to be even, then he must also get your menstrual cramps. Or the braces you wore in grade school. Any of your past hurts and sorrows. No, he only wants to be even in the " good " stuff.How very convenient.
This may be the only problem in your relationship, but it's a HUGE one. If you both have agreed upon having a monogamous relationship, then it has to be monogamous, no ifs and buts, no exceptions.
Handle it firmly. If you are not ok with him experimenting with other girls, tell him in no uncertain terms, and maybe tell him that if you ever catch him is over faster than he can say " I am a sneaky manipulative little scumbag ".
Well, maybe I am being too harsh with the guy, probably it's natural that at his age he feels this way and wonders how would it feel with another person. But, if he really cared about you, he should not have too much trouble in letting this remain an idle curiosity , and not having the check to ask your permission to cheat on you.
So, let him make up his mind about his priorities, and decide what counts more for him : your current relationship, or the chance of new experiences. He can't have both.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (19 December 2011):
What he says is disrespectful- and silly.
Of course, you being a different individual from him, have lived different life- not just sexual - experiences. If he wants you to be even, then he must also get your menstrual cramps. Or the braces you wore in grade school. Any of your past hurts and sorrows. No, he only wants to be even in the " good " stuff.How very convenient.
This may be the only problem in your relationship, but it's a HUGE one. If you both have agreed upon having a monogamous relationship, then it has to be monogamous, no ifs and buts, no exceptions.
Handle it firmly. If you are not ok with him experimenting with other girls, tell him in no uncertain terms, and maybe tell him that if you ever catch him is over faster than he can say " I am a sneaky manipulative little scumbag ".
Well, maybe I am being too harsh with the guy, probably it's natural that at his age he feels this way and wonders how would it feel with another person. But, if he really cared about you, he should not have too much trouble in letting this remain an idle curiosity , and not having the check to ask your permission to cheat on you.
So, let him make up his mind about his priorities, and decide what counts more for him : your current relationship, or the chance of new experiences. He can't have both.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011): You are young and its sounds as if he's not ready to limit his horizons. So perhaps he should make himself free to explore life a little. To be honest it is good to have lived a bit before settling down. So he is being honest. This is hard on you of course. Better for him to realise this now than when he is married with kids. For you, it may to best to let him go - maybe you can stay in touch and who knows what will happen in the future. But as things stand your relationship will come under increasing strain if he hankers after experiences he hasn't had.
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A
female
reader, bluecow +, writes (19 December 2011):
 he wants to have his cake and eat it.
Your past relationships are none of his business... but in my time of being on DC I have read so many letters of a similar vein written by the partner or by the person who is upset about their partners past.
What your boyfriend needs to understand is that YOU chose HIM. NOT one of the other men to be with.
However my gut feeling here is that he would like to play away. He is too curious about what it would be like to sleep with other women, and is going to act upon this regardless of your feelings. For some couples open relationships work, but your own feelings on this matter pre-clude this.
I give him an A for honesty, many other men would not be so open about their feelings. My only suggestion is that you are going to have to issue an ultimatum. He either accepts your past and understands that you chose him, OR the relationship ends and you both move on. He will then be free to experiment as much as he likes, and you will be free to find a man who accepts ALL of you.
HUGS x
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