A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My 16 year old son is in love with a woman 24 years older than hisself, he met her when he was in a Subway with friends, he's told me theyve been secretly dating for over a month now and that the relationships not based on sex but proper love. She's a counsellor but not at his college though. The woman has no kids and an ex-hubby who moved over to Florida and disappeared into obscurity.He's told me that in 3 years he wants to try for a baby with her, and she agrees with him, but Im worried for him as hes just a kid himself.They do have common interests its not just olderwoman-youngerman wants sex thing as you see in soaps.Ive not met her yet, but hes asked for us to meet her in 3 weeks time.I need advice, its the first real age gap problem our family has had.Its not that I disapprove, i mean i hardly know the woman, its just concern over the age gap. I mean, my husbands only 3 years older than me which is hardly a huge age gap compared to my son.What advice would you give to help me?thanks Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (4 December 2012):
 Your son's 16 and in the UK, he can date and have sex with anyone he likes. There is nothing you can do. Even if you throw him out, I'm sure she will take him in. You need to be calm, supportive and understanding.
I'm not too crazy about it either, the age gap is very big, and at his age it could be abusive. It could retard his natural development.
Great idea for you to meet her, who knows, she is probably a sensible woman. Speak to her honestly about your feelings, she probably knows and feels uncomfortable too.
Make sure that your son is using protection, at all times. Remind her at his age he is not fatherly material.
Then sit back, cross your fingers and hope. Three years is a long time. Little boys grow up and get bored. She's got more to risk than him, and she knows it. Waiting 3 years before kids sounds like two people acting sensibly.
Just tell them your concerns, but not together, talk to them each privately. Together they is too strong and will support each other.
They know the risks, they know what they are doing is dangerous and has large emotional consequences. But there is nothing you can do about it, her behaviour may be seen as immoral, his behaviour childish and ignorant, but they are breaking no laws.
You need to become more than the best mother in law, you need to become her best friend. Because it's always best to keep your enemies very close, it'll be easier to convince her to go if she trusts and likes you and believes that your only desire is to see your son safe. Parents who interfere in "true love" often get hated and blamed.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2012): The age gap alone sets up this relationship to be one of a abusive/controlling dynamic.So when he decides to leave and she feels she can't lure in another young man - she'll snap and harm this young man?I say MOM, do your duty and tell your sons you do not approve and get you and son into PROFESSIONAL therapy ASAP.
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female
reader, oldbag +, writes (3 December 2012):
 Hi
Have a xmas party, invite your sons friends,male n female and him,also your family, and his woman. Let him see how much older she really is, you and your friends can chat to her about old tv programmes,music , fashions,etc and your son will be aware how she is more like you than his friends.
You don't have to ban him from seeing her,he will decide that for himself soon enough. This woman has problems not him,he could be younger than her children and he is a child himself.He just has a bad case of raging hormones.
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (3 December 2012):
As others have said, in three years, there is no chance they will be together. The biggest risk is them having a child, in which case they will never be rid of each other.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (3 December 2012):
 OP you cant stop your son or this women from doing what they want but you can make it pretty darn miserable for them if YOU want. The ball is in your court. Don't take any drastic steps as of now, trust your son and hope that his upbringing will prevent him from doing anything drastic and silly. Worst case scenario, if you feel that she's seriously out to have a full blown affair with your son, then don't hesitate to report her. That might not stop them but it will be an obstacle all the same. I've said it before and I'll say it again, this woman is really creepy. How do you even know she wont try and get pregnant anytime soon just to keep your son hooked? Seriously any 40 year old woman who is having an affair with a 16 year old kid is scary and fucked up!You have to be very careful about how you deal with her and your son. Talk to other family members and deal with this issue gently without over-reacting. Please keep us updated.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (3 December 2012):
 Living in the UK, and living with my teacher boyfriend I am fairly up to speed on what is considered right and wrong in the eyes of the law when it comes to schools. I have already said that 16 is the age of consent so your son is ok in that sense, she can have sex with him and she isnt breaking any laws.
However the grey area here is that she is in a position of responsibility in a school, and schools will deem anyone a 'child' who is 18 or under and still at school. Therefore if your son is still at school, and he is aged 18 or under - then that creates the problem.
I cant go into detail about this as it is an ongoing situation at my partner's school however one teaching assistant has recently been suspended (and the school are looking into further action) because she, despite being elderly now, started a relationship many years ago with a girl who was 17 at the time (said girl is obviously much older now). This has only just come to the school's attention, but they are taking it very seriously. This 17 year old was at a different school to the teaching assistant, and I dont think the teaching assistant was even a teaching asisstant at the time.
So what this shows is how seriously schools take issues surrounding any children under the age of 18 and anyone who has contact with children.
But as I keep saying, it is a grey area and no-one on this site knows the right answer, we can only speculate and give our opinions. Call some helplines and take their advice over ours, but it is clear she is not a mentally stable person. I think that is one thing we can all agree on.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (3 December 2012):
 Why does he feel the need for affection from a woman who is the age of his mother? I think he needs some counseling.
FA
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2012): OP you can't report her and you know it. He's the legal of consent, you have no proof of abuse of position or anything thing like that.
I think it's too drastic an action for now that could have even worse implications for your family. Imagine how your son would feel if he knew you did that? Imagine what her losing her job could to do to her and make your son feel even more protective and like a white knight. If she's this weird now do you really want to fuck with her head that much and put her over an edge when she hasn't technically done anything wrong?
OP it seems people don't get that 16 is not only the age of consent but it's the age of responsibility, he has a lot of wide ranging rights now http://www.rbkc.gov.uk/subsites/kccentral/yourvoice/yourrights/yourrightsat16.aspx
16 isn't considered a child in the UK.
I say trust your son for now OP. You know him better than any of us, is he really a vulnerable, shrinking violet? I don't get that impression as you don't seem to be up in arms about this.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 December 2012):
 I'm sorry, if the genders were reversed we would all call him a PREDATOR. SHE IS A predator in my book.
WHAT the heck does a 40+ year old woman have in common with a 16 year old BOY? Not a thing, unless she is EXTREMELY immature.
Now if you son was 25+ the age gap would not seem so wrong. But honestly at 40 she has had a LOT of living and experience where as at 16, you son has had NONE (in comparison).
I would however, not tell him he can't see her, because that would make it much harder for the family, but I would be VERY VERY adamant about him NOT having sex with her til he turns 18. He is 16, and 2 years is a LONG LONG time to wait.
It's really skeevy to me. I have friends with 16 and 18 year old sons and I would NEVER IN my LIFE consider them as potential mates or dates.. Just really skeevy.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (3 December 2012):
Just following on from what Anonymous123 said, reporting her to the school isnt about ruining her professionally, it is about protecting children. As Anonymous123 said, chances are this isnt the first child she is messing around with and wont be the last. Unless someone reports her.
You dont know this woman, you owe her nothing and reporting her to her place of work is the decent thing to do, to protect other children. Even if she lost her job and got in trouble over this, it doesnt mean she would end the relationship with your son, she would be unemployed but that does give her more time to see your son! The key thing it does is stop her from hurting any more children, and when your son finds out what has happened it will then enable him to question her as a long term partner. If he finds out the woman he loves has been fired because she is unsuitable around children and her mental health has been called into question, he is going to question their relationship and what she really wanted out of it.
I know its a tricky situation, someone has to be the first to be brave and report her. But as I said, call those helplines, maybe even ring child protection services and see what they would advise you do. This is a grey area, he is over legal age of consent and isnt at her school, however she is in a position of great responsibility at her school and it raises questions about her professionally and personally.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 December 2012):
 UGH... I hate it when i have to dis an age gap with an older woman younger man... we get enough grief as it is... BUT in this case... OH NO...
he's 16
she's 40 and she's just crazy creepy... I'm sorry he's a BOY she's supposedly (at least chronologically) an adult, but it sounds like she has major emotional issues.
I have mixed feelings about this however.... your responsibility is to your child to keep him safe and healthy and happy and whole...and sometimes we have to do things to make them hate us but in this case I'm thinking that letting him play this out in your home is a good plan.
He's 16 what he wants now will be very different from when he goes off to college (UNI)... which I hope he still plans.
I would consider practicing reverse psychology here. Kids often do things to shock their parents and test them... this may be a subconscious test of his... he may not even know he's testing. And he may want you to say no... but he would blow a fit if you did so... my take:
Agree that there is to be NOTHING serious till he is 19. WELCOME her into your home... TREAT her like you would a 16 yr old girl he brings home that you like.... do NOT forbid this relationship.
Help the "young couple" start planning... treat them both like teens...
1. how do you plan to support yourselves?
2. what are your schooling plans?
3. son, how much will a baby cost? how will you pay for it? etc... have them put it all in writing.
4. what about marriage? etc.
In fact, I would say "great, let's start planning the wedding" and do so. Since they are planning a baby, they better be getting married first...
sit down with the "man of the household" and help him write that budget and figure out exactly how he is going to support his wife and child. let him start saving now...
school and work that's all he should have time for if he wants a wedding and a baby in three years....
go ahead and give him a taste of adulthood. her too.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (3 December 2012):
 Wow. This is a seriously screwed up lady. She is 40 and not only she is fucking a CHILD ( I don't care if he is of age legally or physically. Emotionally and intellectually he is a child ) but she also want to meet the parents . what for, discussing the floral arrangements for the wedding ?
Look, I am ex cougar myself, and an unrepentant one. Cradlerobbing is fun. But at least we were all adults, not only in terms of law , but , most importantly, in terms of maturity, experience , ethics, jobs, finances and all that jazz. It was a matter of having less or more, of being at different points of the same path. But this is not even the same continent for now, forget about the path !
Dificult situation. I guess you could always bare your teeth and MAKE them break up. Your son is a minor, albeit of legal age for sex, he lives in your home and he is financially supported by you. So what you say goes, or at least counts.
But, probably this would be the right way to make a teen infatuation grow into a " love of my life I'll fight for " kind of thing.
While in fact, hopefully and probably, if you just ignore it it will go away on his own, and sooner than you think. Refuse to get involved, refuse to play happy family with your " daughter in law ", make very clear that you are surprised and displeased ( and maybe a tad disgusted ) by his choice, but out of your love and respect for him you won't break them apart as you could very possible do. In other words, leave him to his own devices, there are very good chances that , waned the first high of hormonal rush, he 'll come back to planet earth, also due to the hearty laughs of his peers behind his back ( or in his face ).
Young passions are strong but rarely long lasting.
My best ( male )friend at 16 was crazily in love with Mick Jagger - not just a fan crush, he was IN LOVE , could not think of anything else. A few months and ... he was not even gay as he had thought he was, in fact ,forgotten Mick Jagger, he went on to become quite a ladies's man. Not the same thing as your son.. but, all in all, basically the same : this is a dream, a fantasy. A forbidden fruit. And as it happens with forbidden fruits, he may prettu soon find it rather indigest .
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female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (3 December 2012):
I would be extremely cautious of this woman. A 40 year old woman messing around with a 16 year old boy is really, really creepy. What kind of a counsellor is she?
All I can say is don't be rash with your kid because if you forbid him to see this woman, then he will do it anyway but behind your back and you cant stop him in any way. Meet her and see what she says. Maybe hopefully it wont last, who knows? You can ruin her professionally if you want but that is entirely up to you. Meanwhile keep talking to your son, explain the absurdity of the situation to him and if there is anyone in the family who he is close to, ask them to talk to him as well. He needs to be gently guided out of this. How do you even know if this is the first 16 year old this woman is messing with? She sounds seriously crazy!!
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (3 December 2012):
I think there is only one real option here:
Report her to the school she works at (you will be protected in terms of the school wont be able to tell her who told them about it). After all she works at a college, and she would never be able to go near any of the kids there (even if they are over 16) because she is in a position of responsiblity. I think the school will be very interested to hear about this, she sounds like a liability around children and not many schools would be pleased to find out their 40 year old counsellor (someone who is supposed to guide the children on moral and personal issues) is having sex and planning on having a baby with a 16 year old. She doesnt sound morally responsible, in fact she sounds a bit mentally unhinged herself.
Actually the more I think about it the more I think you should report her to the school, she shouldnt be around children if she is capable of this. And there is no way it can come back to you, she will never find out it was you.
She is 40, first she should know that this relationship could put her career at risk - if she is willing to risk her career like this it suggests there are mental health issues. Secondly she must realise that in 3 years time she will be 43 and having children (health wise on her part) is going to be a challenge to say the least. Thirdly she should understand from working with teenagers that they are incapable of comitting to much at the age of 16 and she is pinning all her hopes on a boy who has no where near reached full maturity. All of this suggests to me that she is not very well and needs help from a doctor and physchologist. Chances are she would never accept this because she works in the profession herself, but she sounds like a worrying character and I wouldnt want her around my son if I were you.
However you can never tell your son about this, if you try telling him she is mentally unwell he will get upset with you because he loves her and he will want to stand up for her.
I'm so sorry you are going through this, you are in a very tricky situation and there is no right answer in this case. I'd call a few helplines to see what they think, if she werent working with children I dont think this would be such a big issue but she is and it calls into question the state of her mental health. Some links are as follows:
http://www.youngminds.org.uk/for_parents
http://familylives.org.uk/
http://www.parenthelpline.org/phl/home.aspx
Try and go along with it in the mean time, dont raise an issue with your son and agree to meet her (for now anyway) in 3 weeks time. Keep encouraging him in all other areas of his life as you normally would - make sure he stays on track with school work and doesnt slack off to see her. Make sure he still sees his friends and doesnt isolate himself from other teenagers his own age. Make sure he keeps up his hobbies too. This could easily be a bit of an obsession for him and he will feel cool in front of his mates because he has an older woman - but the longer it goes on the more likely he is to want to spend time with her and not friends etc.
As the other answers have said, 3 years is a long time and I'd be surprised if they were still together by then. But knowing her age, an 'accidental' pregnancy ("oh my pill must have failed" type story) wouldnt be a surprise either, we are already questioning her mental state so something like this wouldnt be out of the question even within the next few months.
Again, sorry you are going through this, it must be very difficult for you. I hope it all turns out ok.
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female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (3 December 2012):
 HI
I can only Imagine your anguish, and understandably your very concerned. I would meet with her and try your hardest to Imagine she is not a grown woman, if you act as if it's not too much of a big deal the chance of your son ending it and finding a girl his own age will be high. He is just infactuated by it all right now, his hormones are all over the place. This wont last. In the rare cases of a relationship like this lasting it still normally ends within a couple of years. This woman is taking advantage of your son, I cant see how she can be a counsellor and think it's perfectly ok to be dating a young 16 year old boy! it's not normal, and clearly she needs counselling herself. But that being said if you try to fight it, or stop it, it will only push them closer together. I would definately pull her to one side and ask her what SHE is playing at . And let her know that if she is to have a relationship with your son, she is to make SURE she is taking the pill, or has a coil fitted. His a child himself so if any accidents were to happen how would she like to be raising two kids, because he may feel and seem like an adult now , but if reality sunk in with her being pregnant he will definately want his mummy then!!
Good luck and stay strong
Mandy x
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2012): Hi, I would act all supportive and tell him that you will support what makes him happy. I would then ensure I encourage his friendship with girls closer to his age. If you go hard on him he will rebel and even runaway.
I would invite this woman and act all nice, I would also invite a friend and let her be the one to make side comments about her age and looks, so you look good and your son gets a little embarassed by her comments. Its being manipulative , but I would protect my son at any cost. You need to be seen to be supportive and what he does not know will not hurt.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2012): You know when it comes to boys and older women I'd actually feel far more comfortable if it was just about the sex. I know that may sound like a double standard in the sense if it was 16 year old girl and older guy being used for sex would be the worst thought. The reason I think this is worse than if it was just sex is because I remember what it's like to be a teenage boy, casual sex and casual relationships are fine, the real difficulties are emotional relationships the disparity there is too great. teenage boys don't have the same weakness to sex that girls have, they can't get pregnant for one and they don't attach the same significance to sex as girls seem to at that age.
OP this isn't just an age gap relationship. Sure if she was 50 and he was 26 then there'd be no problem but he's not an adult and that is a problem.
I'm sorry OP but this woman sounds like a fucking nutcase. In 3 years time they want to try for a baby and she agrees? They're only dating a month and this is about love too, only after a month? She's a seriously twisted fucker if you ask me OP. A 40 year old counsellor talking that kind of shit with a 16 year old? She sounds like one desperate, lonely, warped person OP.
You need to thread very carefully here OP the last thing you want is your son to feel telling you was a bad idea and no longer opening up to you but you need to keep a close eye on this freak of a woman. You need to talk to him more about her, just ask about her and listen, don't speak badly of her, criticise him etc. Just get to the stage where he feels comfortable telling you about her and what they do and what they talk about etc.
When you meet her be nice, play nice and try and get to know her too. In this situation you can't make any moves or do anything that might alienate your son or make them go underground with this. Accept it for now, you can deal with situations when they arise. Hopefully this will be a fleeting thing, so wait it out. But be ready to pounce on anything that may fuck up his future. I mean kids in three years, fine, let him have his teenage fantasy but if they mention pushing that forward of they might start trying then it's time to step in.
Look in an ideal world you could get her to piss off and I'm sure there are plenty her who will advise that but he's 16, he may rebel, he may ignore you and he may even do something drastic like run off with her. She's playing a dangerous game here OP but you have to be smart and be one step ahead of her. Legally you can't do anything as he's 16 and old enough now. But professionally you could destroy her if needs be but hopefully it won't come to that.
Most of all though OP trust your son, keep the door open for him to tell you everything and feel that he can do so. Stay open minded about her for now, she sounds like a sick woman but she may actually be harmless for your son and this may be like any other teenage relationship he might have. So be wary, cautious and alert but don't step in just yet. Chances are high this will be a fleeting thing and if your son is generally smart and open with you then you can trust him. but make it clear to him the only condition you set is that 3 year rule on kids. You do not want your son having kids of his own until he's an adult and can provide for them, that's that. That way there'll be no long term consequences for him.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 December 2012):
 Is your son allowed to consent to sex? If so, then I think you should just see how this unfolds. Up until he is 18 he is still your responsibility though, so you can restrict how often they meet/when he can move out of home.
3 years is a long time when it comes to teenagers. I would not worry too much about the baby plans, if they actually are still together after 3 years then maybe they actually have a chance. Anyway, in 3 years, he'll be legally an adult, and can do what he wants to. But, maybe it would be a good idea for you to sit down with him and discuss the baby plans seriously, calculate what a baby will cost, and how it will interfere with his education. A baby is long term, so if he wants a baby he also needs to have long term plans when it comes to other things as well, such as education, work, maybe marriage. Talk about these things and prepare him.
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male
reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (3 December 2012):
 I'm not a fan of cross generational relationships but I think this is out of your control. whether their relationship lasts or not is one issue but thats not your problem. how does it affect the rest of his life is the question. it may be ok. look at it from their point of view. she want a baby. its her last chance. he wants something similar. let it roll. I guess 16 is young for fatherhood. that is the only issue.
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