A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:This problem worries me A LOT and I really need your help, so please help!Apologies for the length... sorry!I'm a mother of two, been married to my husband for 20 years - my son's 19 and in university (living away from home), my daughter's 16 and starting college soon.Recently I found out off a good family friend that she's dating a 48-year-old man. I asked my daughter if this was true, and she admitted it was and said that it's fun. She said she's going to marry him, as he proposed in secret 2 weeks ago!!My husband seems to think so too. Our daughter's boyfriend has become his new drinking/golf buddy. If the bloke isn't spending time with our daughter, he's playing golf/drinking with my husband, and it makes me furious.I've met the boyfriend only once, and he seems like a nice guy (he's a car salesman), but the age gap between him and my daughter (32 years!) makes me feel sick. I feel upset thinking my beautiful daughter's throwing her life away.As it is, there's no history of age-gaps in our family (I'm 44, my husband's 46, but that's no big age-gap, is it??)I've grudgingly accepted it, but told her she's not going to marry him. However my husband doesn't mind the idea, saying "If it makes my girl happy, then she can go for it and marry him! It's all good..."I was furious with my husband for telling me this, but he insisted I was being silly. He said our daughter's doing what's best for herself, and if she makes a mistake, then she's made one, but he said he likes the guy.I've tried discussing it with my daughter, but she told me she WILL marry him - no matter what anyone says. She says she wants to have his babies, and said she'll still go through college and university and everything... and all the usual stuff, it's no big deal, she said.How can I get her to see sense and stop her making this huge lifestyle mistake??Anyone know what problems they'll face as a result of the age-gap?? or have you any experience relating to age-gap relationships?? I need this advice so I can help her.this site's a good site, I found it one day when looking up info relating to medical stuff. I've recommended it to friends and now I'm here asking for your help.concerned parent in Newcastle-upon-Tyne, England
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female
reader, blondie 12  +, writes (12 November 2007):
 wow that a freak'en big gap try telling her that when the kids are old enough to play foot ball with there old man hill be to frick'en old to play emagion how heart break'en that would be and tell her find some one her age instead of some one who going to be in a retirment home when shes 35 sorry for being so harsh i mean well
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2007): Ask your daughter what she thinks of the guys her own age who show interest in messing with girls several years younger than they are. Your daughter will undoubtedly respond with something like: "Oh my god, those boys are immature little perverts! Those boys just like impressing those little underage tramps because they're such losers and they can't get girls their own age!" Then bring up the idea that her 48yo boyfriend is just a much older and more extreme example of exactly the same thing. And SHE is the "underage tramp" this time, falling for it big-time.You'll probably have a hard time stopping this relationship (and it two years it'll be legal anyway), but you can at least force your daughter not to bullsh*t herself about what she's doing and what kind of guy her BF really is.
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A
female
reader, 15 and worried  +, writes (24 August 2007):
let me tell you about a relationship out of many that have worked out with a big age gap. I know the owner of a very famous spa who met her husband when she was 17 and do you know hold old he was...36!! that's 19 years and they have been married for 7 years and they are both so very happy
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female
reader, 15 and worried +, writes (24 August 2007):
hello I know where you're coming from but if they realy seem as they are in love then I think you should accept the fact that the soul in both of them found eachother. some people spend their whole lives searching for their soul mate be happy your daughter found hers I understand she's 16 and all but if she was 25 would that make a difference to your attitude? she just happened to find him when she was 16 thats all
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2007): okay...i am 13 year old dating a 18 year old....and your daughter is 16 dating a 48 year old??? okay please just end the relationship...and i dated a 21 year old one time and that okay at the time than i sat down at a point and was like "what am i doing to myself?" and i ended the relationship......and me and him are still friends....actually sorta like best friends.....but i dont see him cuz he got sent to jail for 30 years but thats besides the point.....end this relationship at all costs...your daughter will see that you are right....good luck....my heart goes out too you!!!
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female
reader, AskEve +, writes (20 August 2007):
 I really feel your pain here. We all want what is best for our kids and while it is a big age gap it might work, it might not, we can't play God and decide what is best for her, she needs to decide that for herself and no amount of TELLING her is going to work here.
If I were you I'd play her at her own game... reverse psychology. Say to her... "honey, I was just thinking, WHEN you have children and you are my age do you know your hubby will be 76!!! Imagine dad and I 76 just now with you the age you are?" Then laugh about it and say "never mind, that's hoping he is still alive at 76, I sure hope so." This is making HER THINK without you actually forbidding her to see him, it will make her think long after you've put it to her.
Encourage her and tell her to bring him over for dinner, also go out with them as a couple TOGETHER!!! She'll hate going out with her mum and dad but she might do it at first thinking "she's accepted him" but she'll soon tire of the different generation! ;o)
I can bet you a pound to a penny she'll end up coming to YOU and telling you it's not working any more. As long as you are so very up for it all then she'll be happy at first but will soon tire. Mark my words!
Eve
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A
female
reader, I'm So Over It22  +, writes (20 August 2007):
ok, first let me tell u that i am 22 and my bf is 36. that's a 15 yr age gap. we live together and we plan to get married someday. my dad did not want to accept it so i saw him behind his back. at the time when i met my bf i lived with my dad, i was 21. so my dad finally accepted him and i being together and i have to no longer hide or keep secrets from him. because i was going to be with him reguardless. my point to u is that, just sit back and relax. bc u will run her away by nagging about it and talking against her boyfriend will only push he and her closer together. she's only 16 at that age she doesnt know wut she wants. trust me, when she goes to college, he will be history. so if anything, stay on her about going to college. she will be like, "boyfriend who?" when i went to college i hasd a boyfriend that was 2 years older than me and i dumped him. i was in guy heaven. i didnt want to be tied down. and i fell like ur daughter wont want to be tied down either. so keep ur head up and be stress free. good luck
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2007): Ok listen, just forbidding it won´t work, think about it and set up strategies to make your daughter understand the mistake shes doing. Ask her if she will be fine that her kids won´t have a father and just another grandpa instead, that probably wont last long. Tell her she will miss to meet many nice guys from her age at college, tell her that many experiences that guy had she won´t have because she will spend her youngness in that freaky relationship. If she got self esteem issues try to help her with that also.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (18 August 2007):
 You are right to be concerned, and your husband is a twit for not being just as concerned.
I remember being 16. I knew everything that there was to know about a sheltered existence. And I thought that through my sheltered existence I would be equipped to make all the life decisions that I could think of. Except that there were so many life decisions I could not see for my sheltered existence.
While I am sure that you don't want to see your daughter's innocence torn away, that may be the only way for her to understand that she hasn't a clue about what is to come, and what she would be missing by getting married now.
For starters, ask your daughter HOW she would go through college / university when she has children. Ask her to write you a specific plan - accept nothing less! Better yet, ask her to ask her man to help fill out this plan as a joint project. Better still, invite him out for coffee and see if he has the balls to meet YOU.
Tell her that you will accept her as an adult if she can come up with an acceptable plan. Of course, once you get the plan, you should be able to drive a lorry through each of its gaping holes.
I feel your pain. Good luck and take care.
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male
reader, somewhat_anonymous +, writes (18 August 2007):
RJ is right that perhaps you should get to know him better, and while age gaps are not a huge thing in many circumstances to me, but here it is considering the maturity level of most 16 year olds as compared to most 48 year olds. By the time she's 25, she might be an entirely different person and he might not even recognize who she is any more and she might realize that it was a mistake. Either your daughter is REALLY mature or he is really immature. If he is really immature, by the age of 25, she'll be married to a 57 year old man with the mentality of a 16 year old, I doubt she would want that.
You have a right to be worried, and damn well should be. It would be nice to get your husband's support on this, but you may not. Has your daughter truly thought this out? How long has she been seeing him? She said she wants to have his kids, but has she considered his age by the time they get to be teenagers? Has she considered that he is OLDER than her own father?
I doubt there is anything you could really do to definitely put a stop to it, but you can definitely make a good case. College is not a time for many to get married. It is a time to get the immaturity out of your system and learn the skills and background for careers. She claims that she can get married and go to college, but perhaps you could convince her that if she is that sure about wanting to marry him, she doesn't have to do it now. She could wait until she is done with college so she could at least enjoy and appreciate the married life a bit more.
Please message me after you read this.
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A
female
reader, so sick +, writes (18 August 2007):
Ok first of all...I can honestly say you are taking this situation MUCH TOO LIGHTLY!!! Do you realize how sick and illegal this is!? He is a OLD MAN compared to your 16 year old young and vibrant daughter! I cannot even believe you have "met with" this man. The only damn thing I would be doing would be calling the damn police and getting his sick old ass thrown in jail. Its almost as if he is molesting your child...she is young and VERY open minded. This man can be telling her things that make her believe the relatinship is perfectly okay..and if he thinks he can propse...thats just the sickest thing I have ever heard. To me honestly it is a damn joke to him! He does not not love your CHILD!!! Can you image the things he is doing to her in bed...he is old and knows what he wants..and guess what..its probabl your daughter doing for him exactly what she wants. She should be doing that stuff with a amature just like herself...learning as she goes..not being told! This cannot be okay...he needs to go to jail! Please...do your daughter a favor and if you love her you will no matter how mad she thinks she is! You are her parent...not her best friend!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2007): Hello, mom. I can understand your worry for your daughter. I, personally, have a pretty enlightened view on age differences in dating, however, I don't have any children of my own to compare how I would feel if were my daughter. Perhaps you should get to know this man before telling your daughter she can't be with him. Maybe he won't be a bad guy after all. Your daughter and husband both seem to be fond of him. I'm not saying you're overreacting to this matter by any means, but telling your daughter she can't be with him will only make her rebel from you, especially at this age. I have seen in a lot of age-gap relationships that many times the older one in the relationship wants to begin settling down and having children and getting a life going with the younger one, while the younger in the relationship, on the other hand, wants to have fun and party and enjoy being young. I have seen that a lot of times the younger person in the relationship gets bored very quickly and moves on to someone that matches their energy level a little better. This could just be a phase for her. She could easily just get bored and move on. In the time that she's with him, though, I'm afraid you might be better off being supportive, so you don't push her away from you. I wish it was easier for you. I wish I could say, "do this, and all your problems will disappear," but, unfortunately, it's not that simple. I hope I have at least been of some help. I really wish you the best of luck with this.
-RJGirl
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