A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I had my daughter when I was 15 years old. I'm now 25 and she is a beautiful ten year old who is now in the sixth grade (she skipped a grade because she's a smart cookie!).Her father, unfortunately, decided not to be part of her life (or mine, for that matter) and moved to his university just three months after I got pregnant. He was 18 at the time of her birth. We had been together for six months.I haven't heard from him since he moved and his family doesn't realize that he has a responsibility that he's been ignoring the last decade! After a while, I just stopped caring and accepted my fate as a single teenage mom.But I've since gotten married to the love of my life and had another child who is now five years old. I'm currently pregnant with my third and possibly last child.Trouble is, my baby daddy has come back from the dead. Apparently he graduated from two universities with a PhD to be a doctor and just finished his intern year. He recently got engaged to a woman he met during his intern year.But now he wants to see his daughter. I'm really not sure how I feel about this. He literally abandoned me when I was only three months pregnant to pursue his own selfish goals while I've had to get my GED and just NOW am going to college!I needed to support me and my daughter with limited help from my family because they were too disappointed in almost all the decisions I've made up until I was 23! And yes, I've told my daughter about her dad and what he did to me and to her.She said she doesn't want to meet him. She's actually been more vehement about it than I have! So, in the end, I still don't exactly know what to do.Help... please...
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female
reader, RennieGeek +, writes (7 November 2010):
Well, it sounds like you may have villanized him to her eyes. While I don't agree with him walking out on you as it takes two people to make a baby, just by you saying he walked away to pursue his selfish goals gives me the impression you have made him look horrible to her eyes.
So, if you've ever talked bad about him to her, my guess is that is why she doesn't want to see him. You have to remember how young you both were, and that kids, as you were, make mistakes.
On that note, it is her choice or the judge. He may pursue this legally and I will not be surprised if he does so, so I'd be prepared for that mentally but if you resist badly it will only put more stress on your daughter and that is the last thing you want. As a product of divorce, when both parents fight, and then badmouth each other, you learn to not trust what either of them say and you end up not being able to believe either one. Do you want your daughter to lose trust in you?
Also, why keep her from his family? Why did you not ever tell them? I am sure they would love to know they had a granddaughter and while it's his family they had a right to know about her too.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2010): Your daughter wins. Tell Mr. Dad that if he wants to start making the amends necessary to get her to grow to a point of forgiveness that he best start manning up. Starting a college fund, and remembering every holiday is a good start. He's got at least 8 years of child support (moving forward) is also a good idea.
She needs to see him NOT abandoning you too... even if you don't want anything to do with him, she needs to see that he's changed through some kind of (remote) action. He needs to understand that for the last 10 years she's formed an opinion of him, and that he's going to have to work hard to change it. It may take several years for her to even agree to see him.
You'll need to make sure that any thing that she get's doesn't create a barrier between your daughter and her siblings. If she's showered with gifts, it could create tension and bad feelings with the other kids.
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A
female
reader, AuntieSnap  +, writes (7 November 2010):
Hi sweets,
First of all, well done you on coping with all of this at such a young age and doing such a great job with your daughter against some terrible odds. You should should be very proud of all you have achieved so far.
Your daughter, given time may decide to make conact at some point in her life, however that is very much her choice and NOT his. He chose to have nothing to do with her until now which for his part is utterly reprehensible. He cannot expect to swan into her life and be a Dad to her after ten years. What happens if things do not go as expected or the novelty for him wears off? He may be her father biologically but he certainly is not emotionally.
Explain to him clearly the situation with your daughter and for him to respect her feelings. He sounds a rather selfish induvidual who wants his own way in everything and to hell with anyone else. If he truly has any regard or love for his daughter he will leave things until she is ready for contact, if at all. Has he apologised at all for his behaviour? What a nasty little coward to run away and leave you when you needed support the most.
I have to say, I have nothing but admiration for you. It is difficult enough raising kids in a stable relationship but to go it alone and manage at 15 is utterly amazing. Your daughter sounds a lovely well balanced, intelligent little girl and against all the odds you have achieved this.
I really hope everything works out for the best.
God Bless.
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A
male
reader, HotGeek  +, writes (7 November 2010):
Keep him away from your daughter. He is a stranger after all.
You know what happened to the biological father? He realized his mistake. I must say it was rather early, I have a friend who came back when the child was 17 (and demanded contact), but still, if your present husband accepts your first daughter, keep that "original inseminator" away. It will do your daughter more bad than good.
And let me remind you something: your daughter is not your friend. You shouldn't have told her what your boyfriend had done to you, it's not her business. What did you expect, recognition from a 10-year-old? Why do you stress her with that?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 November 2010):
 Don't force her. "Father " is just an empty word if it's not backed up by the actions which make a father : caring. Loving. Providing. Protecting. Being present.
In lack of that , the father is just really a sperm donor and I can understand why some people would not have any curiosity or interest in meeting their biological father.
If growing up she changes her mind, she can contact him. Right now, he has no moral right to demand or expect a reunion.
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A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (7 November 2010):
I think you should listen to your daughter.
Although I am older than her, I can understand this question as my biological father has recently tracked me down and he wants me to get in touch with him. He left my mum to bring me up on her own and completely absolved himself of any responsibility whatsoever. I have virtually no recollection of him.
I now have a completely wonderful father who has brought me up since I was 3, and HE is my dad. I don't miss whoever this other man might have been, and I also have two siblings whom I adore from my mum and this great guy who as been my dad for so long. We are a family and I don't feel the need for anyone else. I'm sure your daughter has similar feelings; if she is part of a loving family, then she probably has no interest in whoever this guy is. Beyond that, from my experience I know I would have found it very disruptive to have some new person in my life telling me they were my dad. At that age, children are very sensitive and don't want to feel in any way different, ie. for example, from their siblings.
I was, to be honest, rather annoyed when my bio father got in touch. As far as I am concerned, he lost his rights as my father when he decided to up and leave all those years ago. He cannot, I'm afraid, just decide to swan back in now, just as it suits him. It doesn't work like that in my book.
Just tell this man that your daughter is not interested in seeing him, that she is part of a great family, and she doesn't want anything to do with him. Now he is older he should be able to understand what he has done and how it has affected you all, and understand your daughter's decision. Maybe in 10 years she will change her mind, who knows, but it's not for this man to try and push her and change her mind. He didn't want to know back then. Just because he has lots of degrees it doesn't make him a better person.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (7 November 2010):
 You daughter doesnt want to meet him, I think in the circumstances you need to respect this, so tell him the truth, that she isnt interested in meeting him at this stage in her life. Leave the door open, explain to him she isnt ready but if he wishes to keep you abreast of his movements from now on, when she is ready to meet him, he will be the first to know.
He is an arsehat anyway, regardless of his two degrees, regardless of his recent engagement and regardless of his being a doctor. It sounds like he hasnt even sent you his loose change over the past ten years .... and its a case of too little too late.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2010): Don't do it. This man abandoned you when you really needed him. Listen to your daughter, she's 10 years old now, it seems like she's able think for herself and she seems pretty smart too, so respect your daughter's decision and stick with it. You clearly don't need this man in your life again, so let it go. You should not care about it anymore.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (7 November 2010):
 Honour your daughter's wishes. This man has no relevance to her life, and it would be horribly wrong for him to force his way into her life against her wishes. She knows who he is, she knows that he's interested in meeting her, so she has the option of meeting him in the future if she changes her mind. Make it very clear to him that he needs to stay the hell away if he wants any chance of ever knowing her. He's nothing more than a sperm donor -- he deserves nothing after leaving you holding the bag for all those tough years.
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