A
female
age
41-50,
*orgives_all
writes:I've been married now for almost 10 years. My husband and I have what most people consider a great relationship. We don't argue or stupid things and when we do, the fights don't involve name calling, profanity, or low blows...and we make up quickly.Those things are what make the issue at hand so very hard for me. 5 months ago my husband got completely trashed on a whole bottle of rum while wallowing in depression over being unable to find a job. He doesn't drink much so he SHOULD have passed out after the first 1/4 bottle. But unfortunetely he didn't. Long story short... He became horribly abusive. He assaulted me physically and emotionally in every way he could to hurt me. Of course the next day he remembered nothing. I told him what he did and showed him the bruises I had. He was/is very apologetic about what he did, but doens't want to talk about it... gets uncomfortable when I want to talk about it. Because I love him I do forgive him...as I do everyone and everything. But, I can't seem to let it go. My self esteem is wrecked, my trust is faltering, my heart still hurts. I feel aggressive and resentful in ways I never have before and toward a person I can't stand being angry at.I know he didn't mean what he did or the things he said, but ican't seem to move past it. I tell myself it was one night in a thousand of a marriage. How do I move on? How would you feel?
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (28 October 2010):
 Everyone else acts as though alcohol is some fantastical truth serum. No, alcohol does not reveal truth. There is always the bigger picture. He hurt you but the answer as to why he did it is not so clear. It was not simple irritation and anger. So I agree with the others when they suggest counseling or talking to him about it but, one thing is for sure, he has to give up drinking which should not be too hard because as you said, he was not a heavy drinker in the first place.
He may not wish to talk about it because he feels ashamed and as appalled as anyone may be when I say this, you cannot deny that this is a real possibility. He may feel ashamed that he hurt you, it could be destroying him inside and all he wants is to see you happy again because he knows he betrayed your trust, he knows that where you used to feel safe with him, you are not sure, he knows that where you used to find love in his eyes, has been buried by the rejection and distrust of his actions.
Talk to him about it and make sure you get everything out in the open. Make sure this is the conclusion to each dramatical tragedy of your marriage and by which I mean every day and night you reflect on that horrid night. Ask him what you did to anger him and assure him that he can tell you anything and that you only want to know why he would hurt you. He might say nothing, he might insist that the conversation end and that is when you tell him that you cannot get past this and you need him right now to move on from it otherwise, there is little hope because every waking moment will bring you back to that night and you will never forget it, your marriage may face an end because of his reluctance to talk. Help him put his possible shame aside and ask him to tell you what you did to cause such anger. Then he may try to tell you that there was nothing, ask him if it was even the smallest little habits you may have kept, perhaps he never forgot those little arguments and that one night was where all his anger was unleashed.
Truth be told, there could be no reason whatsoever. Alcohol also increases aggressiveness and aggression in a person has no bias, it does not take into account whether or not you love someone, it will hurt everyone around you. So blame him for being so careless but try not to hate him. Do not let yourself be blinded by whatever resentful feelings you have. Instead, look at this and try to understand him and make sure he knows how hurt you are. Talk this through and perhaps you will find hope for this marriage.
I hope that helps.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): "drunken minds speak sober hearts".
Been In your position, it's easy for
People to take out all their problems on those closest to them. Don't put up with being anybodys emotional punch bag. Your self esteem will be in tatters and you'll be constantly wondering where you went wrong because he'll make you feel like everything is your fault.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): You are in the driver seat. Who cares if he doesn't want to talk about it. It's not up to him. He made a HUGE mistake. And if you find it possible in your heart to forgive him, he is a very lucky man. But you need to tell him you won't be able to move on until you discuss it. Calmly, collectively; and then decide after that if counseling is warranted. But he HAS to talk to you about it. Even if he just sits there and listens, YOU have to get it out. And now he has to be a man and take it.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (28 October 2010):
 I walked away from a 16 year marriage because my husband became an alcoholic. I have been where you are, and its hell. My loving sweet kind husband became a raging, abusive idiot when drunk and after 5 years of making threats to leave, I finally did. You tell yourself that they are drunk, they don't know what they are saying, but there has to be a part of them that has some idea of what they are saying, and I totally agree with the remark that they say what they really feel when drunk, because the liquor loosens their inhibitions and their tongue.
Only you can decide if this really was a one night thing (we were married for 12 years before my husband started drinking..and it it happened slowly), or something that wil happen again and again. Put your foot down RIGHT NOW and I mean RIGHT NOW and tell him you want to go to counselling, and you will NEVER tolerate that kind of behavior again. Don't be stupid like I was and walk around blind. If it happens once, it can happen again. And they get meaner and meaner, trust me on that one. I hope and pray for your sake that your husband really is a good guy and will never treat you this way again. I wish you well.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 October 2010):
 You need to be able to talk to your husband about it. You went through something traumatic, and how are you supposed to deal with it if he makes you hold it all inside? Supressing your feelings will not help you. You need to make him realise that this is important, and that you need to talk about it and work through it. He must stop acting like he can brush it aside because he doesn't remember it or feels bad about it. He needs to help you get over this.
I could suggest therapy as well, to find help in how to get through this. You are probably still in shock, and once something like this has happened you get scared of when the next time will be? So it leaves scars, deep scars, even if it only happened once. He was the one you trusted the most, so of course it hurt, so much more than just physically.
You need to talk your way through this, and work on how to deal with it.
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A
male
reader, mrvhappy  +, writes (27 October 2010):
I think that although this is a one off..when he was drunk.....perhaps you should go and see a therapist/councillor as it is pottentially outside the scope of this site.
They may give you more practical solutionsor one2one help
Sorry I couldnt be of more help
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A
male
reader, rolfen  +, writes (27 October 2010):
 Ask him if it was worth it to get in such a mood over his joblessness and to do these things and risk loosing you.I think I know how you feel. It is a shock and I have been on the receiving end too, and it is a terrible feeling. People can say what they want, it's just too hard to deal with it, at least it was for me. Just try not making excuses for him, being drunk doesn't justify anything.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (27 October 2010):
 I don't think you will be able to move on until you can get him to talk about what happened. I think what you're feeling is completely normal.
Tell him that you want to talk about it so that you can move on. You're locked into fear and doubt over what happened. Let him know his unwillingness to confront the issue is only making things worse. Let him know you forgive him, but you need closure on this issue.
If that doesn't work, then I would suggest some couple's counceling. There may have been a root cause for his behavior that he is unwilling to face. It will be hard to get to that if he can't open up.
I hope you can work past this!
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