A
male
age
51-59,
*topDigging
writes:I've got myself into an awkward position. I am married 12 years with two children, very happy and wouldn't change that for the world. I love my wife dearly. However, there was a similarly aged lady at work who I thought was quite attractive, she is also married, no children. Partially out of boredom and also out of vanity and ego I set out to see if I could get here interested in me. Huge mistake, because after a few months of subtle approaches, it now looks like she is on the hook bigtime. I don't think I ever thought it would happen or would go this far, and I am very sorry for it. I know I've done a bad thing and it is wrong to mess with people. I think its been the manifestation of a mid life crisis for me. But I want to get out of the situation without hurting anyone. She is a very nice lady, she is married to a great guy. She doesn't deserve to be messed around. I will happily take the hit if I can do it without hurting anyone else. Any ideas?
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (29 October 2010):
 Well, to be honest, if you have refused to meet outside of work and refused to enter into email/text/phone flirtation then you have already given her pretty clear boundaries and strong signals that you will not go beyond a certain point.
Only you can decide whether it will work best/be kindest to cut her out yet further, or to have a discussion with her about this. Probably the best (although still v painful for her) would be a discussion. Tell her you are sorry, you feel like you might have lead her on, but you meant nothing by it and nothing will come of it. Harsh, but sort of fair.
You sound rather attached to her, though, or at least v concerned for her. Only you know what conversations you have had with her. And you know that if you have indeed made her fall in love with you, then nothing will really help - you might want to save her the pain, but it's too late. If she loves you but never has you, it will always hurt, and she will never forget you.
A
male
reader, StopDigging +, writes (28 October 2010):
StopDigging is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSome good useful answers here, kind of reaffirming what I have been thinking. One or two have got the wrong idea. There is no emotional affair, I've been playing a (irresponsible and regrettable) game. I've done no more than be friendly, attentive and a good listener. And when I said "bored" I meant bored at work.
I can't avoid her at work, because when I do she comes looking for me. I have refused all offers of meeting outside the office and declined to correspond by email or phone/text. My ideal aim is for her feelings never to be hurt and for us to have a normal friends relationship.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (28 October 2010):
I don't understand - is the last anon female the actual woman in this story, or another in a similar one?
Either way, the man has to withdraw and the woman has to live with it. So yes, he has harmed her, and her marriage. But this way he harms one person, rather that the two innocent spouses and the children, so damage limitation dictates that she must suffer for the greater good.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): I'm in a slightly similar situation. I'm the woman who has been flirting/flirted with. Even though nothing has happened physically, plenty has emotionally. When I first read your post, tears came to my eyes because I thought "is it possible that this is him?". If you have gone to the point where you and her have spoken about the attraction, then you must tell her. If not quite that far, try to slowly distance yourself from her. I hope that you have grown up now and realized what you've done
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): I have to agree with the anon male who hit it on the head : boundaries have been crossed.
You are/were involved in an emotional affair.
You should not be alone with her, even in disguised friendship
Mr. You already cheated, just bec you chicken out at Fing her, you crossed that line.
Happily married you said - well I ask for how long? How long until the next bout of boredom, how long until your vanity re surfaces -basically how long until u mess up again. See in your minds eye your wife out of your life, in your minds eye your kids disappear from your life, an impending divorce and in the end just a lonely existence of a weak man who targets other married women.
.You have been a pig for actively trying to destroy 2 Marriages.actively trying to Fup a persons marriage What the hell were you thinking?
How do u face your wife, your kids, this other woman, her husband.one spoilt Brat who wanted to prove. He still got it to destroy 2 marriages without a moments thought!!!!
Congrats man, I think you just succeeded. Happy now?
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (27 October 2010):
I think you should just change the signals, in a very definite way, to this lady. She will get the message. However, it will be easier on her if you take a moment to explain to her something along the lines of:
I am sorry. I have to apologise to you because I like you a lot and have been leading you on, but actually I would never do anything to hurt my family, and I feel bad that I have behaved like this. From now on I will just be a friendly colleague, and hope you can forgive me.
End of.
As for your wife, whoever suggested telling her - sorry - I totally disagree. You haven't actually done anything apart from flirt a bit - it would be verging on madness to tell your poor wife, I think. Why on earth does she need to know? What will be gained by that? No, I think this bit of nonsense (which is, thankfully, all it is - nothing has gone any further) is something that you need to live with, and that your wife should never be touched by.
Trust is hard won, but very easily lost. Be careful how you deal with this.
But also, I think, good on you for recognising your folly and stopping this before anybody is really hurt. I'm sure you don't need to prove to anyone that you are still attractive. Really. And if you ever feel the urge, maybe just keep it to making eye contact with random strangers in public places? Much safer!
: )
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2010): Don't kid yourself that no line was crossed, this was an emotional affair.
This is how the sexual lines get crossed, and she wants that line crossed, or she wouldn't be doing this either.
You wanted to cross that line as well, but pulled back.
Keep that in mind, you should not be alone with her.
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A
male
reader, StopDigging +, writes (27 October 2010):
StopDigging is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell thankyou for those quick replies. No line has been crossed, I won't ever do that. I think I really wanted to know that I still could attract someone. Yes, I am completely to blame.
I guess I need to face up.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 October 2010):
 You silly silly man, never play with fire as you will always get burnt. Mind you she has a husband as well so she shouldnt be looking. Just tell her that you are sorry for leading her on but that you love your children and your wife and you never meant to hurt her or lead her on. Tell her there is no way you would ever be unfaithful to your wife and stop this flirting right now.
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A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (27 October 2010):
 Tell her that while you think (because you do) she's a very nice, attractive woman, You have come to the realization that it was very wrong to get involved with her, considering she is married, and you are too, and you value your marriage just as she values hers.......
You can place the blame for it squarely on your own shoulders - even though some of it accrues to her also because she allowed herself to pay attention to you.
Emphasize that you are very sorry and regret your behavior, but that because you respect and honor her and recognize both your position as a married man, and hers as a married woman with a great guy of a husband it is important and necessary to take a huge step back, as you don't want her or your spouses to get hurt.
I suppose the alternative would be to simply withdraw and say nothing whatsoever. But then she might well be wondering what in the hell happened.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (27 October 2010):
 Well, you could start being cold toward her. I'm assuming you didn't do anything physical with her, so neither of you have crossed that line hopefully. Switch your signals. Either that, or tell her the truth and apologize. It all depends on how much you want to confront the situation.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2010): Tell your wife first, that you started falling into the "affair trap" or whatever you want, but don't disparage the other woman.
Let her know that you were having a mid life crisis, realized it, stopped it before anything happened, and need help in sorting this all out because you realize that it was "all you" and nobody else at fault. As to go to counseling with her to help you understand how you got to that point in your thinking, so you can make sure you don't ever do it again.
Then tell the other woman and work on your marriage.
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A
female
reader, happy24birthday +, writes (27 October 2010):
 You can't get out of this without hurting anyone. Apologize to her and explain that you want to remain happily married. End whatever is between you and tell her it cannot continue. Be frank and definitive. DO NOT just avoid her and the situation. That will confuse and hurt her more than just telling her like it is.
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