A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need help! I don't understand why my boyfriend has 2 look at porn!! I'm beautiful why can't I be enough? He says I wouldn't understand. We have been together 6yrs an he's hid it the whole time until I cought him! I told him 2 make me understand an h said he don't know whatb to say. So will men please tell me why you have to look at porn?? He says he don't jerk off to it... is that a lie??
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female
reader, Amourrouge +, writes (16 July 2011):
Im having the same problem right now. I had already caught my husband watching porn and told him I hated it and then he did it again. He makes scenes about the clothes i wear and tells me they are revealing so I tried to accomodate and wear different things to go out and then he doesn't listen to me and watches porn.
A
female
reader, cmarieky +, writes (14 July 2011):
It's normal to enjoy porn. I'm female and I absolutely love it. And I'm damn beautiful. There isn't a place that I can go and not get a guy trying to date me. Porn is sexual entertainment. It's also a way to relieve tension and stress. Porn can also be useful for the both of you to try different new and spicy things. Porn is also a private matter. Pretty much like masterbation, its only the person who engages in it business. It's a wonderful and accepting feeling when in a relationship and you are accepted by your partner knowing they know your sexual likes. No have inhibitions bc it closes up the relationship and kills communication. No one likes to be judged or feel judged for something theyre doing that's harmless and doesn't involve physical cheating with another body. I say this precious, embrace your man. Learn and accept him, so long as he isn't planning to meet other ppl for sex don't worry. Porn is taboo for many conservative woman. I don't consider myself wild. But every person in the world would rather have a beautiful woman watch porn then physically emotionally or sexually cheat with a person. Ask yourself why do you hate porn?
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (29 June 2011):
 Cerberus, another aunt said that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): I agree with the others, what is the point in watching porn if you're not going to jerk off to it? It's like buying chocolate and not eating it.
He doesn't have to, he likes to. It's not about you being beautiful or otherwise, it's actually nothing to do with you at all.
person12345 I think you jumped the gun a bit. At no point has the OP said he threatened her with anything or told her to tolerate it.
OP there's only two things I can say to you.
1. In the 6 years you have known him has he been a good lover and boyfriend? How does knowing he watches porn change that? For the past 6 years he's been watching it, through all your good times and your bad he's watched porn has it made him a bad boyfriend?
2. You have to decide whether this is a deal breaker for you. Because everyone will tell you staying in a relationship just for the sake of the kids is the biggest mistake anyone can make if they're not happy in that relationship. What's more important is whether you love him and whether you can find a way to make this work or not.
It's okay to hate porn but is it worth losing him over? That's what you have to decide, regardless of what anyone else thinks these are the things you must ask yourself and you must decide. There are plenty of people that hate porn and there are plenty of people that don't but it's up to you to decide what's best for you in your situation.
Now it's very easy for us to sit here and give you our views, I personally have watched it since I first discovered how to masturbate, I've used it in all my relationships and it's never, ever been a reflection the girl I'm dating. It's never had a negative on any of my relationships and I'm happy with that.
OP the greatest relationships I've had were ones that we could both compromise, you'll never meet a person who doesn't do something you don't like. So a compromise is always the best way to approach things. You can tell him never to use it again, you can ban him, you can control him or you can try and find a way of making you both happy with the solution. If the only solution you want is for him to stop and never do it again, that;s asking a hell of a lot of guy who was able to keep it hidden for 6 years and if you want my honest opinion I don't think he will stop, he'll just hide it better and it'll be another 6 years before you catch him again.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (28 June 2011):
Don't let people tell you that you don't understand and that if you did you wouldn't mind or that you're strange. The majority of women hate it (around 55%) and a large portion of women who allow it in their relationships still feel hurt.He is just as capable of self control as you are and threatening that you either tolerate it or you'll wind up alone is both false and cruel. If this is something you hate then do not tolerate it. At least 25% of men don't use porn and if more women stopped allowing themselves to be treated like second class citizens who don't have a say in their own relationships then that number will increase.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJuliet I'm so glad I have someone to relate too!! I thought I was the only girl who didn't like porn. Me an my boyfriend are trying to work it out we have been dealing with this issue for a while now an it hurts that after 6yrs I find out the truth I probally would of never had kids with him I hate porn an I'm going to try an work it out with him for the kids...
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responces ! But I guess I will just never understand :( but I know my boyfriend has a good heart an he's a great dad....guess I just have to find a way to get over it...
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (27 June 2011):
 human beings are not by nature monogamous. looking at porn helps them to cope with having only one partner in life.
i don't believe he doesn't jerk off with it, i think he only said this to spare your feelings. just try not to take it personally, porn helps men to deal with their natural instinct that tells them to spread their seed into as many woman as possible. as long as he is not out sleeping around then i think you will agree porn is not so much of a problem.
if you dump him and look for a man who never looks at porn then i am sorry but i doubt you will find one. it does not mean you are not beautiful. if you find a mans porn use is getting in the way of a fulfilling sex life though is a different matter. if a guy PREFERS porn to you then he is not the right man for you
x
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2011): Us guys look at porn because we're never fully satisfied. Where ever in this world, there is always going to be one better - just with anything else material, including those of the opposite sex.
I'm not trying to knock you down, as I'm sure you are a lovely person, it's just that's the way it is. Records are meant to be broken as is the ultimate value of 'things'. Sound familiar? "Got a new cell phone last month, it's awesome!...hey look, another one with this or that feature just came out! Damn that thing is awesomER!"
Guys look at porn the same way they look at cars. While we may cherish and truly love our own individual cars, even if they're an old beaten jalopy, we can't help but notice a brand new glistening Ferrari go streaming by. But hey...at the end of the day, we're still driving our beloved cars! So don't worry about it!
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female
reader, desirewhitefire  +, writes (27 June 2011):
 Porn used to bug me when I was younger. Now that I'm older and more seasoned, it doesn't bother me at all if my other half is watching it. Just as long as it's in moderation and not completely out of control, like he can't function without beating off to it everyday.
I've dated men on both ends of the spectrum when it came to porn usage. This one guy I was seeing was addicted to it. It was a shame too because he was really good in bed and was nicely equipped. He loved having sex with me, but a lot of the time when we would get together he would have already jacked off a couple times and had a lot of trouble getting it up for me. I would have to catch him in the morning to have a good round of sex and that got irritating.
Another guy I was dating never watched porn because he wasn't really interested in it and he never jacked off. Sex with him was so so, it wasn't exciting and took forever. He was very sensual and liked lots of touching and kissing, but sometimes you just wanna screw and go to sleep, you know.
The best sexual relationship I've had with someone is the guy I'm with now. he enjoys looking at dirty magazines sometimes and has a couple DVDs to pop in on nights where he's bored. He's not a fanatic about porn but he likes seeing a couple naked women rolling around in bed with some toys and giggling. I'm not offended by it and it doesn't bug me because I'm still a warm body and he cares about me. He told me he used to really like porn when he was a teenager and that's how he learned so much, and you'll never hear me complaining about the quality of sex he gives me.
If it makes you feel any better, there was a poll done once and it asked guys what they paid most attention to while watching porn. The number one answer was the face of the woman. Men like watching women get off. I get really excited from watching my boyfriend touch himself, so whenever I've seen porn of men masturbating I'm very aroused. Doesn't mean I want that guy more or that I think he's more attractive or that I want to have sex with him. I get excited from seeing that, and nothing more.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2011): I have a boyfriend who watches porn, and although I don't like it myself, I personally don't mind him watching it as long as He is faithful to me. The fact is men are different to women and they have different needs. His watching porn does not reflect on you in any way at all. The problem is that he lied and hid it from you, that is the problem. My boyfriend and I have worked out our issues. He can watch it as long as he doesn't try to get me to watch it, he respects that I don't like it and I respect the fact that he does. You have a right to feel the way you do and to not like it, but he also has a right to feel the way he does and to like it. I wish you the best of luck.
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male
reader, bruce lee  +, writes (27 June 2011):
 Ah, I think a lot of guys (including myself) like porn because it's just part of nature. I get a bit horny when I see nude women on the computer or TV. And I have had to force myself to stop watching it. Once a guy gets started, he can't stop.
It's like asking why to women eat a lot of chocolate? It's just the way it is.
I hope that answers your question. If you have more questions, you can do a follow-up.
Enjoy the day.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2011): The lying is the biggest problem here. that is the biggest mistake a guy makes, they lie about it. If men would just be upfront about it, it would make it seem less like "the other woman". We feel betrayed because you hid it from us and it is sexual. Then we start wondering what else we don't know about you sexually. You led us to believe that we were enough to find out we weren't. but if we know going into it, then it isn't the big "shocker". Second is the porn. How do you feel about it? and no, he doesn't "need" it. He needs water, food and air. He WANTS porn. He can live fine without it. there is a difference. And it is difficult to believe he is watching it and not masterbating, why else would he watch it? yeah, my boyfriend tried that. he told me he didn't masterbate while watching it either when I found out he watched it and hid it. he later confessed that he did when I just decided talking to him was ridiculous if he was gonna sit and lie to my face some more. So decide where you stand on it, then talk to him. No sense in talking to him about it, until you decide how you feel. Is this a deal breaker? Is porn unacceptable in your relationship? Me and my boyfriend have been working on this. So far so good. But I told him porn isn't the deal breaker, but lying is. He says he doesn't watch it anymore, he says he doesn't want it in his life. If he did, I was willing to try to adjust. But that isn't what he chose. So if I catch him lying about it again, I am gone.
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male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (27 June 2011):
 First off I don't see why you would watch porn and not masturbate. It's not like it's exactly quality acting. The thing to note is that he is not using it to replace you, it is just something for his personal time. Men tend to be more visual oriented which is why they are also more likely to want to leave the lights on during sex. This means that a video is pretty much the best thing to satisfy this visual need.
Porn does not mean he loves you less or isn't interested in you sexually. There is a complete separation from his personal time and your relationship. He shouldn't hide it and you shouldn't be hurt by it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2011): It's not only men, and they don't need it. I'm a girl, I have a boyfriend, and I watch porn! I do it because I used to watch porn a lot when I was single and it's just a habit. My boyfriend doesn't mind it and neither should you. The lying and hiding of it should be the problem. You guys should be open about your sexual desires, it could strengthen your relationship. Porn could make an evening alone very interesting for the both of you. He could learn from porn and make you feel better in bed! Don't see watching porn as a bad thing, it's just some people having sex.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2011): I'm damn near 100 percent sure that he's lying about not beating off to it.
No man watches porn to watch it. Its simply a quick and easy way to get aroused and rub one out when we need to.
The male sex drive, most of the time, far outstrips that of our female counterparts. So we tend to want sex far more often then any woman can reasonably be expected to agree to.
So the good man, in order to keep that drive in check, has to masturbate (plus it's a great stress reliever when our other halves are not around or aren't in the mood). As most of us males are visual creatures, we generally find it easier and more satisfying to have the images and sounds relating to sexuality (and we all have our favourite types and these differ wildly from man to man) to help us get ourselves over the line (because our imagination sucks arse).
It is not, at least for the healthy porn watcher, a judgement on our feelings towards our women, or on their ability to sexually arouse us. Even men who have a porn star for a wife, who would give it up whenever we wanted, would find time to beat one off to some internet porn (which we generally don't have to pay for and which caters for even the most outwardly grotesque of our darkest desires).
Trust me, most women cannot understand how completely harmless men find porn. Those images are not full of love, they aren't going to marry us or be there for us when we need them. No, they are simple images and sounds designed to elicit sexual arouse and quick release in men.
There should only be an issue if he is neglecting your love life together because of his porn use, as can sometimes happen if a man doesn't learn control.
He tried to keep it discreet, this shows some amount of thinking about you because porn and masturbation for most men is a private act, even in a healthy relationship.
Besides... I wouldn't try de-programming him of his porn use, most of us have been jacking off to porn since we were 11-12 years old.
Flynn 24
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (27 June 2011):
 I can't tell you why "men", nearly half the world's population, need porn. The individual answers will vary. I can speculate that he used to watch porn and now he finds it difficult to drop the habit.
I don't think it has anything at all to do with you, and I don't think he finds you any less gorgeous because of it.
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female
reader, Juliet  +, writes (27 June 2011):
Hi,
Wow! I can so relate to your question right now!
I was wondering the same question just yesterday and it was driving me mad!
I have been with my boyfriend for years iswell (over three) and am good looking enough I feel to wonder why I cant be enough too.
I asked my boyfriend to help me understand why he looks at it and EVENTUALLY I got some insight. Hope this helps!
Men is seems, look at porn, largely because the notion comes into their heads on occasion.
Sex or something sexual comes into their heads and they feel the need to act on it. Now whether thats with us girlfriends or by using porn is up to them apparently.
They take into account whats going on (say on that day - such as, are you available etc) and decide on the best way to proceed.
And sadly, yes, sometimes the conclusion they come too is that porn is the primary answer.
So, it has taken me until my 25th year (I am 25) to come to the understanding that men consider their options when they want something.
They decide what they want - sex, anal, blowjob, or to see or do a particular position (etc) and then consider can they get it. Then they decide that if we, are their girlfriends aren't going to 'produce' what they want... they turn to porn.
Does that make sense?
EXAMPLE: Boyfriend wants to have, lets say, some semi-rough sexual fun... but realises that either I'm not in the mood for that type of sex or for sex at all at that moment and so turns to the next best thing - porn to watch it.
EXAMPLE2:Boyfriend wants something we can't or won't give them - sex with two women, anal, or whatever and so again goes to the next best thing... the fantasy/semi-reality version or seeing it online or in a dvd/pictures in a lads mag.
I really hope this has helped.
Whether he jerks off to it or not is another question - one that is based on whether you think he is lying or not about saying that and therefore on ultimately how much you trust and are willing to believe him and what he says.
I think what you, and I - if I'm honest, really need to do, is look at the bigger issue. It's not so much about 'why do they watch porn?' as it is about 'Am I comfortable being with someone who watches porn? And what am I going to do about it if I'm not comfortable with it?'.
What happened with us: My boyfriend and I talked, as I said, and reached the conclusion that we (both) will try and talk more about what we (both) want sexually and try more to give the other person what they want. Oh, and that, with regards to porn, he will stop looking at it - to the best of his ability which should be completely... but... that if he does do it - he will tell me about it soon after when he has and why he did it so I can learn more about him and we can take it from there.
Best wishes.
Please do let me know how it goes.
x
Just today I havd the same thing on my mind about my boyfriend of three years.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (27 June 2011):
No one needs porn. He wants porn. I doubt he was watching and didn't masturbate to it, but it's always possible. But at this point, does that really matter? It's the lying and hiding that I assume is the problem. I always recommend to couples struggling with this that they read The Porn Trap. It's written by a couples counselor who has seen this a lot in her practice. It's only helpful if the COUPLE reads it. It will help you understand his relationship with it (why it's so powerful but why it truly is not a result of anything you've done) and will help him understand where you're coming from (how seriously awful this deceit feels and how it can impact your feelings).
Don't let anyone tell you your feelings on this aren't valid or that you're controlling or irrational. Most women hate porn in their relationships and there's no reason you should have to tolerate it simply because guys like it if it makes you feel horrible.
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