A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please help! I dont know what to do. My partner and i love each other very much, we have a beautiful little girl together and when we are together life is just perfect. The problem is the past 1 out of our 4 years together has been long distance. I cant move to be with him, it would be impossible and he says he cant move to be with me because he has two other children he sees every other weekend where he is now.I've offered to get a job so we could afford to travel to see his children, I've suggested that during his off season working he stays with me (would be about 4-5 months of the year) but he says it wouldn't work. I've really tried to accept the distance but i don't feel like i cope well. I also suffer from a emotional disorder that makes things a million times worse as i cannot regulate my emotions like normal people can. I tend to really suffer in the months between visits and i often emotionally shut down which is obviously not nice for him. I am in therapy but i wont ever have a quick fix for how i am. I get incredibly upset that our little girl misses out on having her father about and as much as i hate to admit it its very noticeable he favours his other children. Has told me so on one occasion too which made me very sad.I'm beginning to feel like our relationship is very unfulfilling. We do talk on webcam but he is out most nights and i feel like i spend most of my time waiting about for a conversation. When we are together things are great, we are able to talk about our issues reasonably. I find when we are apart we do argue a lot and its mainly because i can be so withdrawn and i also am prone to really angry outbursts which in all fairness he deals with very well. Im not sure what to do now as as a rule i guess people in unhappy relationships and who feel unfulfilled should leave them but i only feel like this when we are apart. I love him very much and cant really imagine life without him but at the same time i cant imagine living my life like this. I've always had the dreams of getting married and bringing up a family together with someone i love but i don't feel like its possible in my situation but i cant see myself feeling the same way about another person as i do my partner. Do long distance relationships get easier? Is there ways to cope with them? This is a subject i have tried to speak to him about a few times but he either agrees that he cant fill my needs or end up not speaking for days and then he accuses me of playing games with him so I'm too worried to bring it up again. :SAnybody have experience being away from their partner as a permanent thing? How do you learn to cope with it?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (13 July 2011):
Hi there. LDR's are very lonely situations to be in.
There's more time apart than there is togetherness. You both miss out on so much because of this.
It doesn't get easier, it's quite the opposite - as you are already seeing for yourself.
Nobody can make this decision for you, so it's going to come down to being totally honest with yourself and how you feel about it.
I think at some level you have already made up your mind, or very close to it as you can see for yourself firsthand, how difficult it is becoming, as every week goes by.
You can't move to be with him - and likewise for him. He has children where he lives, and that's mainly why.
Plus, and don't forget this - he emphasised the importance of his own children, over yours and his.
It seems like an untenable situation, and one which isn't going to change any time soon. Well realistically, probably never.
The mental condition you have, sounds like a type of depression. Your present situation isn't helping that either.
Once you do make a decision about this LDR, then you can get your depression sorted out more satisfactorily.
However, whichever way you look at it, a decision does need to be made now. Don't delay it any longer.
The longer you leave it to make a final decision, the worse it's going to get. Keeping in mind that you are very unhappy about everything now! And that's definitely going to get worse - NOT better.
Let your heart be your guide. Listen to what it is telling you - don't ignore it.
You will know what feels right.
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