A
female
age
30-35,
*twinklex
writes:Having read so many posts from blokes complaining about their girlfriends, wives etc never initiating sexual acts (be it oral, full intercourse or whatever) I realized I'm one of these women. I read one post that struck a chord - my boyfriend initiating sex makes me feel desirable and wanted so why shouldn't that work both ways.See, I would love to initiate sexual acts. But, and I wonder if I'm not the only woman thinking this, how do I do it? What do I do?At least for me I can pinpoint two main fears. Being rejected and being seen as masculine.So lovely men of Dearcupid, input please :) Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): This is a common issue with young women who are still a little insecure or unsure of themselves. I comend you for recognizing that this is important, it shows a lot of maturity on your part. I think your partner is a lucky man to have you. As a previous poster said, rejection is a risk, but it is for him also. That is why it is a loving act to initiate sex. He will know that you took a chance and left your comfort zone. It is a wonderful feeling and exciting to be on either side. you should both be able to experience both sides. Equality is so important in a relationship.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): If you're in a relationship, I don't think you can really come on too strong. On afirst date, yes. But if you've been with a guy a while, just jump on his lap or rub his crotch. Only guys I know who would object are married or gay. So, move in a little, wait for a response. If there is no rejection or negative response, go a bit further....i.e. hand on crotch of jeans. then squeeze it a bit. Then rub it up and down a bit. Or, if you feel he is more tender, kiss his lips, then maybe massage his nipple or kiss his chest and head south slowly.
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A
male
reader, firstlovelastlove  +, writes (28 February 2011):
 "if I love the way him initiating sex makes me feel... then surely me initiating sex would give him a similar feeling." Yes, it sure would.
"I guess I just worry about being to forward." It's not being too forward. "like all things in a relationship equality is most important." Yes it is. And this is a good example of that "equality".
"I didn't want over the top graphic, just the kind of thing that is sexual enough yet not blokey to lead to sex etc." Ok, maybe you would feel ok doing this. The next time you are 'in the mood' while the two of you are having a conversation about something ordinary (the weather, sports, anything non-sexual) just stop talking and stare at him. Wait for him to say something like 'what? why aren't you talking' then still don't say anything and get close enough to him to give him a long, hard kiss. This way you will have "initiated" anything that follows. I wish you all the best!
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A
female
reader, xtwinklex +, writes (27 February 2011):
xtwinklex is verified as being by the original poster of the question"my boyfriend initiating sex makes me feel desirable and wanted so why shouldn't that work both ways" Just to be clear -- do you desire and want your boyfriend?"
Yes of course! I've not wanted and desired someone as much as I do him. What I was getting at was, if I love the way him initiating sex makes me feel... then surely me initiating sex would give him a similar feeling.
I guess I just worry about being to forward. Things tend to be seen that men have sex with women...not so much the other way around if you see what I mean. I don't agree at all, hence the question, and think that like all things in a relationship equality is most important.
I didn't want over the top graphic, just the kind of thing that is sexual enough yet not blokey to lead to sex etc. I've always been more 'reply to him coming on to me' and it'd never occured to me to at least try being forward enough to initiate things myself.
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A
female
reader, xtwinklex +, writes (27 February 2011):
xtwinklex is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell that's what I realised - I don't think many women think of it like that.
I guess you assume that to initiate means to lead/dominate... I don't want to come on too strong etc, but I do want to show just how much I want him :)
Thanks for your input :) do carry on!
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A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (27 February 2011):
 If you never initiate it leaves us feeling unwanted. Just think how you'd feel if your man never wanted to have sex with you, or at least it seemed that way.
Like Odds said, there's really no secret. You just start with some contact. Hell, telling him how horny you are will make most men perk right up. It's definitely not masculine, it's sexy.
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A
male
reader, LovelessAct1 +, writes (27 February 2011):
Don't worry about appearing masculine or being rejected. For one, guys won't usually turn down sex if its initiated correctly. (Saying, "Hey, want to do it?" won't really turn him on)Its all about your attitude. When you two are together, and you want to do physical things, simply start with making out. Do little things like use more tongue to show that you're into it and maybe nibble on his ear. After a little of this, to show that you're really into it, straddle him or something and remove your clothes for him. That actually makes a big difference. If you remove your clothes yourself, he'll know that its something you really want, rather than making him do it, in which he make think he's being forceful.Sometimes he may not be in the mood; but that happens. Its not so much rejection as it is being postponed. Just wait until another night and be all over him again. He likely won't be able to resist.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (27 February 2011):
 It's easier than you think. How to do it - start with any level of physical contact you like (whether that's holding his hand, shoving your tongue dfowwn his throat, or anywhere in between) and just escalate. Do something for a little while, then something a little more intense, and so on, until you're having sex.The risk of rejection exists, but it's part of life. Still, if you already have a sex life with a boyfriend, the only reason he would reject you is if he is really not in the mood - which has nothing to do with you. Rejection only really counts if it's due to you, not him or an external issue.As for appearing masculine, the thing that would create that feeling is not initiating sex, it's dominating and leading for the duration of the sex. Don't get me wrong, that can be fun sometimes, but if you initiate, then turn the lead of to him, he won't think of you that way.In any event, my compliments for your introspection and willingness to take steps for your boyfriend's happiness. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, firstlovelastlove +, writes (27 February 2011):
"my boyfriend initiating sex makes me feel desirable and wanted so why shouldn't that work both ways" Just to be clear -- do you desire and want your boyfriend?"At least for me I can pinpoint two main fears. Being rejected and being seen as masculine." I think I understand your fears. I'm just one man but when I kiss my baby girl I always leave it up to her to make 'the next move'. Either she says something or does something without saying a word. I don't think it matters what you say or do your boyfriend will not see you as being "masculine". A lot of the excitement for me is knowing she is doing what she wants to do with me and there is absolutely nothing masculine about this. Ya know that saying 'everyone has needs'? When you act and satisfy your needs with your boyfriend's body I am sure this will excite him even more. It doesn't hurt to tell him this from time to time too. I don't think you're asking for graphic details -- right?I wish you all the very best!
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